Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

I'd not continue your routines. It will get awkward & confusing. Try and separate gradually.

No Ive not waivered. I know 100% this is what I want.

DCs have been amazing, few little wobbles but otherwise grown up. I expect upset when he moves but will try be as gentle with them as we can.

Thank you, that's interesting. I don't think I'll wobble either but concerned I'm whacking on massively rose-tinted glasses about living alone.

I guess I'd compare it to when you look forward to DCs being out of the house and then they go and the house feels wrong, empty, quiet and weird until they come back.

The routines are tricky as we've agreed to counselling to see if there's anything there to salvage. I feel pretty certain there isn't but I can't be 100% sure until we've tried that route.

Then I'd only do these things if you feel it....not because it's toutine. My exh & I said "love you" every night but for the last year I just said it. I knew I did not feel it. Does that make sense?

How old are your DC? I'm used to mines being out & about now so I more feel relaxed when they are not here. Different when they were younger but as teens it's just become normal.

The flat thing is really interesting. I've mentioned before that where we live now has very low rent for the area so whoever moves out will struggle more. I'd actually love a flat, but can't help feel like a house is more of a "family" place, so it would feel like DS really lived with DH and only stayed with me, if I did that. (We'll probably do 50/50 custody)

I'm still trying to figure out when to have The Conversation. Sometimes feel like I can't stand things a moment longer, but realistically neither of us could afford to leave until early next year, so wouldn't it be better to wait until then to minimise the time we had to live together after it? Ugh I don't know. And we've had a million conversations where I've said how unhappy I am, said I can't continue like this (and he's refused to go to counselling) but I know it's still going to blindside him. He defines himself so much by us as his family.

I feel a home is where the people you love are, not about the size or type.

We had had many conversations over the years but he did nothing. I can't remember when we had the final conversation but something triggered it & it all came out. It was a huge relief to living a lie.

DCs are 6 and 4 so still pretty young. Must be amazing to have your own space and not have to answer to anyone any more, does it feel as good as I imagine it would?

Lego that's exactly how I feel. If it's encouraging, I've felt like having The Convo will absoltuely devastate my DH but atcually I feel like it's liberated him a bit an dopened up comms that weren't there before?

We've just had anohter chat and he's talking about all the things he imagunes doing if we're not together, how his life could be. Painful for both of us to talk like this but incredibly cathartc to discover we've been thinking the same way.

Where/how is OP? Ironneon?

I've retained the family home. It's my mortgage and mine technically hence I can afford it. It does feel good. But its taken a long time for me to sit in the lounge.

Alot resonates here. Living a lie. Yes definitely that. Our kids are ok although we wont have a full discussion until ex us in new rental and we will work to make it another home for them.

Hot lovely to hear your success story.!

Hi all
I feel such a coward. Why can't I make the move? Dh has been vile to me in the last few weeks despite his protestations that I should wait and work on things. I told him in May it was over, but agreed to wait and work on it, all it's done is made me more miserable in this half life. I called time beginning of this month and he thinks I should wait again and not rush into moving out.
Hot and Welsh and lost well done you. It's so good to hear from others. Janerain your words also resonate with me as I know if I don't split now I won't have the strength again and I'll only have myself to blame.
My mum, like you lost, thinks the world of dh and always makes the point of saying how amazing he is and how I should appreciate him more, while giving me no credit for doing 150% what he does. She's always been like this and in a way it's made me who I am, successful and independent, but it's never commented on. Recently she made comments of my character as being questionable above someone who she admires but who is shallow and dodgy, making out I could learn from her. It's really got to me.
She doesn't know about my impending split. I wanted to wait until I have somewhere to go to. But now I'm faltering under the thought of her disapproval. I know the people I care for will be there for me but when it's family it's my weak link.
Calling for strength.

Yes lost feels just as good. I have a great relationship with the kids. Still spend time with DD going shopping, cinema, baking, homework etc. DS & I watch certain programmes together and do chat quite a bit. I love this stage.

I'm lucky barn we have 2 rooms so don't ever sit together.

Shandy, honestly be true to yourself, your posts are all about how others will feel. They will get over it. You are important too & you cannot go on making yourself unhappy. I hit a horrible rock bottom at one stage, Inmay sound strong now but I wasn't & I scared myself but luckily at the last minute asked friends for help. We can all help you through it. Sending strength.

I didn't realise this thread was still going, must have dropped off my list.
I'm now a couple of months post separation and starting to struggle with loneliness in the evening, just miss having someone to share my day with etc.
I did try downloading tinder but gave up on that and elected pretty quickly, not sure how else I can go about meeting new people though.
Hope everyone else is well, I'm off to catch up on posts I've missed.

Shandy sounds just dreadful :( agree with PPs that it sounds like you're putting many others ahead of yourself. Do what you can to try to quiet the noise and listen to yourself. It's cheesy but true that your gut knows. I feel like mine has very patiently but very consistently been telling me this all along. It's far easier to quiet a rational voice in your head and give in to the mild hysterics and gloom.

Hot that all sounds blissful, your kids must love being around the new you. I've had this feeling lately that my own children don't really know me because they rarely see the real me. That's one of the most depressing thoughts in this whole sorry mess.

Knights I'm a bit scared about the evenings too but I also plan to build a 'strength' playlist,get an exercise bike or similar and work off this extra stone that's crept steadily on through my comfort eating over the past couple of years. And binge watch crap shows on Netflix without fear of anyone judging me. Do you have DCs and are you sharing the load there? Any free evenings to yourself?

Lost yeah XH takes the kids 2 nights per week (1 midweek and 1 w/e) they are 5 and 7.
I've managed to get out with friends etc the past couple of weekends, which has been great, it's really the lack of adult company I miss once DC are in bed.

I was talking in my post about my mother's disapproval not just anyone. I will get over what others think I was making the point that it's so hard when it's your mother.
The point of this thread is that these things are hard surely.

Sorry Shandy if I picked you up wrong. My relationship with my mum is very different so her disapproval although upsetting wouldn't have any bearing on me making decisions so hard to understand fully. Even if initially upset will she come round do you think?

Knights I think that's kind of what I'm looking forward to as well. I've felt like I have been trying to force things for so long, it'll be a relief to just have the evenings to myself. One of our biggest issues is that we're so different that we barely communicate any more. Hope you can continue to get out and about, still very early days for you I guess and bound to take some time.

Shandy - the relaionship with your mum does sound really difficult. As you say, everyone else's opinions are pretty easy to come to terms with but when it's your own family, that's a completely different story. I really hope they surprise you if you manage to find a way out.

Thanks lost and hot. I know everything with family can be complicated and obviously it's hard to describe mine here adequately, but regardless to say her opinion and criticism gets to me like no other and believe me it's mainly criticism from my Mum. Having said that she is my rock. Dh needless to say has already told me that me leaving will kill him and the kids in his opinion and that I'm being selfish. I am slowly dying inside and I know the kids will be ok and him come to think of it. And I know it's do or die like Janerain's situation if I don't plough on now. Things are against me though as I haven't had the house I wanted and there's nothing else currently suitable.
Hugs to all.

With my mum, it was eggshells station for my whole childhood. Led to me trying desperately to get approval all the time, so can sort of see where you're coming from with a tricky relationship. I"m praying that my DM will be supportive, but I think it'll be very rocky for a while.

I think you're absolutely right that the kids will definitely be okay (and probably even much better off through seeing their mum happier) and he will just have to be fine. If he's not, that will be very sad and extremely difficult but, happily, no longer really your problem beyond protecting his relationship with the DCs. Think he needs a mirror holding up to him so he can see that the selfishness is not coming from you.

Every encouraging element of this thread is far easier said than done. I feel pretty strong a lot of the time but then every now and then (like a couple of times an hour) it feels like my heart has stopped and I srtuggle to breathe.

Especially when I think about finances. I've just done my tax return for 15/16 and I'll be entitled to nothing if I leave. I have big expenses so my income is pretty mediocre, but gross (before tax) is quite big. Why do they calculate benefits on gross!? Anyone have any experience with this?

Ive had all that guilt stuff from my ex, it's awful, really awful but for me the longer I stuck to my guns the easier it became I did not waiver (in front of him, my RL friends kept me going) and slowly he stopped that, I knew I wouldn't change my mind & my friends kept saying giving him false hope was worse. When he said things like that I asked would he want to stay with someone who did not love him & because I felt sorry for him & in time he would be hapoier. I don't know what will work for you Shandy but it won't kill him. This is the hardest part but use here, friends, doctors, anyone to find that strength. If your mum is your rock she will be there for you. Hugs.

Sorry I don't lost. But I do payroll etc at work so let me have a wee look at all my stuff online for you. Could you call cab?

Thank you, that would be amazing! Calling CAB is a good idea. I'm nervous about benefits as we got stung once before when the DCs were babies and earnings were very low. Still paying back overpayments now and HMRC were very unhelpful.

Shandy. I think we are in a very (very) similar position. It has been a week since I witnessed how my OH really feels about me - pure anger and hatred. We also spoke earlier in the year and said we said we would work on it.
I am in a v unhappy place. I can't put on my 'happy face'. Just no idea what to do for the best! Grass is always greener and all that jazz. Wish I could switch on the "make it work" button.

Iron so sorry you're struggling so much, you must feel very alone :(

I think in a lot of cases, the grass is definitely greener. And requires a lot less relentless watering.

Lost, had a look & yes is based on gross but think if you phone cab they could help see if you can apply using a net figure or taxable figure?