Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Janerain, surely it's never too late. 61 is not old! You know over last few months I have come to doubt marriage is ever a good idea. I'm definitely so much more cynical nowadays.
One of his behavioural patterns seems to be his total inability to handle our 2eldest dds, resulting in huge fight/drama whenever I go out(work or socially)...so I get text from eldest asking me to come home asap, when I do get in its all tears, nger from him. Therefore a worry is that in event of a split, how can I send dds to him?! I would worry so much. Having said all that, I know its certainly not reason to stay together , just another thing to negotiate

Hurley I keep thinking I will never, ever get married/cohabit again if I divorce! It'd have to be someone pretty off-the-sale special to even get me thinking about dating. Shudder.

And you're right about Janerain - it's never too late. Can't remember if it was on this thread or another, but a 70ish-year-old lady posted who left her husband a few months (?) before. Cant remember the exact details but what an amazingly brave lady! Doesn't matter our age, we should always put our happiness first.

Having A Conversation tonight. Not The Conversation, but feels almost like a precursor. Counselling session booked. Slight progress.

And same with dealing with the kids. But then I think as women, we're able to see situations coming and anticipate them, even head them off. Especially with our own children. But I think a lot of men struggle to do that.

Always tears at bedtime here when it's his turn to sort them out!

It is too late for me due to health and financial reasons more than anything. I simply can't afford to move away and have any sort of meaningful life. I get my pleasure now in other ways so don't feel too bad for me. I have grandkids and they give me lots of joy so it's not all bad but emotional loneliness is not good. There are far worse off people in the world though so overall I have to be thankful for what I have. I made a bad choice at the start and have made bad choices since. I feel it is partly my fault. I find women are more caring, more worried about hurting feelings and more worried about breaking up families so always put our own needs last. It's not always the right thing to do though.

Good luck to everyone. Please find the strength that I didn't.

Janerain - I am glad you have wonderful gradnkids, I know what a source of happiness they can be and i hope you get to see them often.

I am trying to find the strength, just in that limbo state of not feleing like my situation is bad enough to blow everything apart.

Hello everyone
Welsh here ...I've been staying off mumsnet for a while and trying to address issues during our trial separation.

Ex has continued to try and bully me into submission; either guilting re the kids , minimising/ignoring my reasons; threatening suicide; attempting dad/ partner of the year.

As per our agreement I went on a couple of dates. None of these with any actual serious intent but just therapeutic.

Next thing ex has stalked me on tinder, on pof, is sending me messages and calling me a 'slut'. Meantime in.the counselling sessions painting himself as a hapless victim and owning none of the relationship breakdown.

I stupidly allowed him into the home with the kids bedtimes etc and went away on a couple of family excursions. However in his aspie mind thismeant the relationship has resumed. He kept on begging to tr6 again and be given a chance. Bearing in mind the last few years were a seriew if chances. FFS.

So last week I spelt it 8ut loud and clear once more. I was called a treacherous cunt and a coward. His harrassment escalated to the point that he told me he had hacked my facebook. And that i was 'disgusting' to go on dates. At this point after 40 msgs per day I had a complete breakdown. I'm signed off work but it has taken this for him to finally understand IT IS OVER. Any ambivalence on my part has been squashed by his bad behaviour and fucking lack of respect or validation of my position.

BUT...I m thinking... maybe this needed to happen things just had to go nuclear fir a but.

Because the limbo is over I feel clearer happier less stressed. I know this is the right decision and he will need to make his peace with it. I have taken practical steps and I'm pushing this forward.

So dear fellow limbo dwellers. Things can and WILL get better. It just may involve extreme acute emotional pain. But this I am sure will pass. We are 4 months post him moving out and I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Counselling. Tried joint counselling twice. First time great - but sticking plaster. Second time this time round was confirmation of my decision. Ex would not take ANY responsibility. So then i knew I had tried for one last time and we were fubared.

Iron stay strong

lostandlonely we are so similar

Guilt. Well you cant avoid that. Alternative for me was a slow dying inside. One day I'll make peace with this and so will you all.

Welsh good god that is so awful, subjecting you to all that verbal and emotional abuse. Sounds like you really have tried it all and the 'dying inside' comment resonaets with me so so much. I feel like little flames of 'give a f&&k' for life in general are being extinguished every day.

You're right about the guilt,too. I feel guilty already anyway, guilty that I havent' been completely honest with DH and guilty that he si so wonderful and doesn't deserve the total implosion that I fear is coming his way.

Well done for coming out the other side and I really hope he starts to come to terms with it all and calm down.

Wondering if a trial seaparation wold be the next logical step for us, after trying counselling.

Convo went as well as it could. He really is amzing and sees it all for what it is, mentiond a lot of things that made me feel a lot less alone - as he was feeling them too. He doesn't want it to end but equally sees that we're not making each other happy.

Really painful but we've decided to go to counseling together a few times over the coming weeks and see what that brings to light.

How is everyone else doing?

I haven't posted for ages but have been following. It's taken months & months (after years of unhappiness) to get to this stage. He has finally accepted it after at least 6 months of telling him. We have finally agreed for me to stay in house & him to move out after Christmas. It's been an awful few months with him being violent (smashing things), in my face angry at me, putting a phone in my car & tracking me amongst other things. Last few weeks been calm.

I also decided to try dating a few months back & met someone and although it's early days I'm in love, taken me by surprise, was not looking or expecting and neither was he but from the moment we met there was a spark.

Life is too short ladies, sometimes something wonderful is around the corner.

Don't get me wrong, it's still tough, I'm scared of change, how I will cope financially, will the kids be ok. But I could not have spent the rest of my life so so unhappy.

Lost & lonely that's great! Counselling wiol def hlo you work it through.

Just had a meal at mums. Ex there. We got on ok. He's hinted that he wull be fair re maintenance.

Hot! Absolutely delighted for you. You'v3 been through hell. I think we are about similar post convo.

I think I've fallen in love with someone I've yet to meet. Yes I know! But he is whisking me off my feet with a super fancy first date next Sunday. I'd be shocked if there wasnt chemistry when we meet put it that way.

Wow you two are an inspiration. Hotwater, think we conversed about this on a thread way back. So sorry you had to go through that trauma but so happy you're out the other side, and in love! I honestly can't imagine that ever happening for me (feel like I'm fundamentally unable to be happy in a relationship and feel resolute that I'll be single - and reasonably happy that way - for ages) but that does give me a slight glimmer of hope.

I feel so fortunate that I'm with someone so calm and understanding about all this - aware that could change but can't see that happening.

Already feel mildly checked out and have been looking at places. No idea how I'll cope but eligible for some small benefits which will help.

Welsh I hope your date goes with a swing! sounds highly promising!

Barn/Welsh that's how I felt, chatted for 6 weeks online & finally met and within minutes I had this feeling about him. Believe me I fought it. I was only looking for some dates to get out, chat, feel less lonely. He told me today I was everything he ever wanted & more. He is newly separated too. We both cannot believe we found this without looking. Please update us!

Lost did we? That's terrible I can't remember! Don't give up hope. I'm scared too financially but I think it will be ok.

I think so but on another thread, remember seeing a lot of similarities in our situations.

That is so warming to read. Really happy for you, well done for being brave and not settling for unhappiness. I'm just at the beginning and worried I'll lose my nerve. Kids and finances most concerning. Have already made peace with the fact that everyone will have their opinions. All i care about is the four of us.

I found it helpful to do practical things. I found out my entitlement to benefits, worked out outgoings, maintenance, asked my parents if they would help (temporarily) and they insisted but have agreed on them giving kids pocket money which means nothing much changes for them and it's help I feel ok to take. I've had the house valued (just incase), priced rentals. It all helps me feel in control.

Posting on here helped too a lot.

Oh & after initial worrying about what people think I've made peace with the fact the people who care & matter will still be here and they have been.

I'm self employed so I'm a bit confused about benefits but slowly gettin my head around it. Entitled to enough to cover half the rent. Absolutely in love with the idea of a cosy flat in the city near my office, and close to the water which I love (and close to nightlife that I can finally enjoy without feeling guilty and having to text my whereabouts all the time). Can finally string up all the fairy lights I like, which he's always considered stupid and unnecessary.

For some reason a house feels too 'family' to me at the moment and I can't bear staying in the family home. But worried a flat isn't best for the DCs. So many questions. Have a feeling this thread will be a lifeline for me, too!

I'm glad your parents are supporting you and the pocket money is a great idea. I'm worried my parents are just going to disown me..:

My first choice is not to stay here but the kids are almost 13 & 16, their school is walkable, their friends nearby. There is the dog too, she is like my third child & rentals with pets are almost non existent. I think it would be the wrong time to move. I'd be happy in a flat, do what is right for you.

Why do you think that about your parents?

Oh yes that's a lot to consider. At least I guess you have the option of selling up in a few years - the main thing is being free and happy in the meantime.

My parents absolutely adore him and they'll be blindsided by this, completely. Feel certain they'll think I'm making a big mistake and they'll be scared for the kids. It won't stop me but it does concern me, have a complex relationship with my parents and odd upbringing which results in this need I have to please everyone - most of al them and all to the detriment of my happiness.

But - perhaps they will surprise me! Have you been surprised by people's reactions?

My parents are the same with ex, they were devastated. My dad & ex & DD go to football all the time. They however have supported me & not tried to change my mind.

Some People have been taken aback but supportive. Lots have said they saw it coming! I've not had anyone be negative towards me. Not heard a word from his parents but they have always been quite distant so not surprised. My sis in law has been lovely.

Well that's reassuring. I do want them to stay close and intend to invite DH along to important events, he will always be part of the family.

It's really good to hear you've had pretty much all-round support. Di you find your relationship with your parents was strained for a while afterwards?

No, not strained at all. We have a nice relationship but are not really close. My mum is a worrier so I tend not to tell her too much as the worrying drives me mad.

Their words were no matter what they felt about exh I was their daughter & came first.

That's lovely, exactly what you need to hear at a time like that.

Thanks so much for sharing and for helping me see past the next few months. Think they're going to be a rough ride...

All I can say is no matter what the reaction the relief I felt by telling them was immense.

I am feeling a lot of relief right now. Feel lighter. At least he knows how I feel.

Just now we're doing the awkward dance of whether we carry on our usual routines of 'love you's and dry pecks.

Two other quick questions - Have you ever wobbled and doubted your decision? And how are your DCs coping?