Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Thank you Shandy. Safe to say it's been one of the worst weeks of my life. On my bday and our anniversary- he called me bipolar. He called me this last Christmas which is where my journey began, so seems I have gone full circle of hurt and pain. He has scabs all over both fists. I told him to move out until he was clean as I can't cope with the withdrawal, but he got extremely angry resulting in the hurtful bipolar comment.
I have confined in a few friends so that this is real. We scratched the surface last night agreeing that perhaps it has come to a natural end.
I was a broken woman on Monday and my birthday was the worst I have ever had. I don't really want to 'patch' it up this time. Although I have great cause to end it - I'm utterly confused as to next steps and how I feel emotionally. I don't want to make a huge mistake that changes the rest of all of our lives. Feels like a shambles and I have no idea what to do..

OK Iron, look at the situation in positive way...You've broached 'the conversation ' and scratched the surface... That is great!! It's progress in right direction, think of little steps. These circumstances take a while to develop.. It's reasonable to think it's going to take time to change too...but you are heading in right direction. Stick to your guns and tell him to move out, good luck

And ignore his insults re mental health... He's the one with scabs on fists, not you.

I am still making my way through this thread and I can't tell you how helpful it's been for me. So first off, thansk all for sharing your experienses so honestly.

Can I break down (pun intended) my situation here? Would be so keen to hear any thouhgts on whats going on in my life. I don't know what's right or wrong any more. 2 DDs, 6&4.

So pros:

DH is a wonderful man, though guilty of being a bit lazy in our relationship, not really noticing/'getting' me and being borderline PA sometimes
He's a good father and does take his 50% share of day-to-day responsibility
He's worked on himself so much recently (through counselling), used to be hopeless at doing anything without being nagged. He also used to have anger issues. This has all turned a significant corner in recent months - and it seems to have stuck which is wonderful for all of us

But now to the cons

I don't fancy him. I used to but have lost it over the years for many reasons, most of all him being a bit useless and needing mothering
We hardly ever have sex and frankly I wouldn't mind if we never did it again
We have completely different senses of humour and energy levels
Honestly? He is pretty boring and would pobably agree with that statement...
I can't imagine retirement with him. I can, however, imagine me travelling the world, being free and doing what I want to do once the kids have flown the nest
This one sounds petty but it grinds me every day - you can honestly hear him eating from a whole other room! We rarely eat together any more because I absolutely cannot stand it. The thought of putting up with that for the rest of my life...

We have a good house in which we have some decent equity. I have a great business which I built up myself, amazing friends and a burning lust for life that Ihave recently felt dying a little bit more every day. These days, I am only really happy when I'm not in my house. And that's the main reason that I've felt for about 18 months now - that my marriage is probably not going to last.

I don't have any heady ideas of being free to go dating. The idea of having a home that's ALL MINE and my DDs, the thought of having one/two nights free a week to do whatever I want is pure heaven. I never want to get married again if I do end up divorced.

So it's probably a pretty common situation I guess, but then that's where I find the rub. If there's nothing truly 'wrong' with my marriage, how can I possibly rip it apart and hurt the people I care about most in the world?

Sorry its a bit garbled. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

Lost and lonely. You sound extremely strong. What is stopping you?

Iron Same as most people I guess - the kids. And probably the fear of regretting the decision. I also worry I'm romanticising the idea of having my own little home with the kids and in reality I'll be even more lonely than I am now!

So sorry to read what you're going through. Sounds like, although our situations are quite different, our fears are the same.

Yes. The unknown. I am finding 'life' extremely 'difficult'

I really hope you can emerge from this and be happy. Sounds like you're in a slow whirlwind of ploddy misery. I feel very similar.

The unknown actually really excites me as I've got a pretty adventurous side. But I worry that I'm not being realistic and that actually, it'll be really hard.

If I had to split it, I'd say I was 80% excited by the unknown and 20% scared.

It's just too difficult :(

Lostandlonely, I totally identify with you. After years of having to treat husband like 4th child I no longer fancy or respect him. I do worry if I'm doing right thing by my girls but I also cannot imagine life with just me and him when they are grown up! I'd rather be own own with few cats! Difficult part is how to extract yourself from relationship... I want Dds to stay in family home, it's also got good equity...but I can't buy him out. Anyway, it's over, only matter of time to sort it out... I am also excited about future.. Not delusional but positive

iron you sound totally dejected. Do you have RL support? I saw above you have some friends you have confided in. Sounds like you need someone around for a bit of support.

hurley totally with you, though I'd probably go for a dog just to be awkward :P For me, our house has become so symbolic of my unhappiness that I crave the idea of finding somewhere for me and my girls, and building our own manageable sanctuary. Have been looking on RM. Would probably suggest DH stays here for a while and sells up so we can split the equity.

Life goes on. Nothing is addressed - major problem !

Iron, you do sound despondent... Hope you get good sleep tonight and feel stronger tomorrow.. Just being able to get discussion started is huge I know

Lostandlonely, I find thats when he's away for work /hobbies for few nights it's a different atmosphere in our house..we relax. He's not violent or obviously bullying but is so critical and resentful of having to do any 'chores'.. Because he works full time of course. I would love to work more hours as self employed, but find myself collecting his children from school at3pm most days...

hurley Same, though I feel like our house has been tainted by unhappiness now and I feel like, if we do split, I definitely need a fresh start (nearby of course).

I am also thinking about going for some counselling to get my thoughts straight. Has anyone tried that? Has it helped?

Still swinging wildly between thinking it'll all be okay and desperately wanting to be free.

Also hoping iron is feeling a little better today...?

I've not been down counselling route..but it would be interesting to have that neutral person to talk to.. Tbh mumsnet is like source of counselling! Before I found this and few other threads (incompetent husband thread was like being struck by lightning.. In a good way)I felt really muddled.. Knew I wasn't happy in marriage but was it me being mad cow? It's like putting light on in dark room and finding so many women are there, all saying very similar thing. It's huge help to me..
Iron, how are you today? Hope you are doing OK

I'm finding that too! Reading so many DIIING comments that sum up exactly how I'm feeling. And isn't that what counselling does really? Just gives you the words to express what's wrong? Wondering whether to splurge £100s on something I feel like I know already.

But then do I? And so the merry-go-round kicks off again...

I've tried couple counselling and individual and although it didn't work to get us back together or on the same page, it did clarify for me the gulf between us and made me consider my options and take action. I don't think that was the intention by anyone but talking about the barriers in my life made me stronger to dissect and break them down into bite size actions and look at the longer term realistic picture. And it wasn't as scary. Do quite a bit considering we/ I only had a couple of sessions. Having stopped the general lethargy is back though. So yes it is useful and worth the money overall but you can get there without but it might take longer. It has made me think a solicitor would be good if we do separate to hurry things along and to ensure dh is decent not mean.

Iron are you ok. I'm also worried about you. Please come say hi. Life will improve. Stronger together. X

Thanks for all of your encouragement. Still here. Finding it difficult to talk and raise anything. Complete guilt imagining breaking up family unit and feeling like I need to work on it. Guilt-laden really. Just have to try and get through the weekend..

Iron don't let guilt cloudy our judgement. If you had behaved even half what your H has done you would not be surprised if he left what if it was your friend or worse dc what would you advise them, what would you say if they said they felt too guilty?
He will do it again that's for sure.
You've spoken to him, you've talked about it being over. That's huge. Give yourself a break. Collect your thoughts and start planning. Big hugs. It's a rocky road but we're here for you.

Thank you Shandy.
It's all being 'patched up'. We have resumed 'normality' I think I just need to make a plan... !

I implore all of those of you who can afford to do something about it to find the strength. When you get to this stage of feeling it never comes back. I'm 61 now and have felt like you for 20 years. I stayed for the kids and worse still did not make myself financially independent so effectively got stuck married to a man who is cold as ice, controlling and who is not what I wanted in my life.

My kids have now all left home and I'm lucky if I see them once a fortnight. Your kids will not thank your for staying together believe me.

I have messed up my life and it makes me terribly sad but it's too late for me now. I do not have the means to start again so I live in a cold and loveless house and will no doubt do so until I die. How sad.

We have not had sex for 10 years and sleep in seperate rooms. It couldn't be more lonely if I tried but I just can't afford to do anything about it.

Janerain, I'm so sad for you. Thank you for your words, you have just confirmed everything I feel..I'm 49, and will not let this happen to me. Strength to everyone on this thread

Thanks Shandy In a way, I feel like I need the counselling to sort through my own feelings but I am not sure I can afford it and I feel pretty emotionally aware. I spoke to a friend's sister last nigth who is trained in counselling and all the questions she asked, I already knew the answers to. There was no lightbulb moments.

I really don't think I'd be up for trying to 'work it out' as I already feel pretty resolute that the root of the problem is that I just don't love him. Not in the way he (and everyone) deserves to be loved. So that's reason enough, isn't it? I feel so fond of him and want him to be happy, which is why the idea of telling him how I feel just breaks my heart.

Janerian I really appreciate your POV, though so sad for you that you feel so trapped. What an awful situation :(

Iron i've just spent the past few hours re-reading the original threa dna dhave to say- it's no surprise you sound like you've been through WWII twice and maybe even three times over. Even way back in May/june, you sounded at breaking point.