Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Yes isa that's cruel and awful. I've no words of wisdom just too wish you well and strength.

And it continued on Sun. Cajoling, then a "chance to reconsider" then the threats of making it difficult again. Poor DS was so unsettled. He refuses to leave the house with STBXH and when he's here there is all sorts of messing around and refusing to eat etc etc. He cries if STBXH picks him up from nursery. I really hope STBXH will step up things when it comes to access but I think its going to be a very hard transition in the future. I get blamed for this as "I've dominated him" but DS is delighted when other family members come to visit and happily chattering away that Nana is picking him up today from nursery.
There's been a few times I;ve said "He's crossed the line" but this time he really really has.

And the bloody solicitor has been called to court so no meeting today. Its all so frustrating. I just want to cry. And am doing so.

Isa that is all so awful! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I imagine he's hurting and taking it out on you, but it's really obviously unacceptable. Any apologies from him when he realises how awful he's being? My DH called me some awful names and hurled some horrible accusations at me the other night ( he basically called me a freeloader, after everything ive contributed to where we are, and as if me taking a temporary break from work to raise our child is a worthless task), but he did apologise; but it makes me see a darker side to him.

No, never ever had an apology. There used to be a period of sulking if we had disagreed, and then at some point the cold shouldering would stop, but could be 2 weeks easily. Even if I said sorry, it would be ignored, any attempt to say "lets clear the air" was me trying to "start the argument again. I'll be much better off without, I just wish there was a wand to wave to make it happen

ISA, sounds like my stbxh, never ever can apologise, never wants to clear the air and he will hold a grudge for ever.I'm expected to apologise for anything I've said then told it's not sincere.He says I get angry to point of raging (I really don't as I'm more like to cry when upset) yet he is never angry just "frustrated".
He will twist arguments so that I doubt what really happened, even when I know what I said.He demands arguments end when he says.I wish I had got out sooner as it's much harder when the dc are older.

So sad reading the posts, such selfish men..mine just announced a weekend of hillwalking which is difficult cos I'm working..but it's ironic when myself and Dds are secretly pleased to get rid of him for while. Be strong ISA, has to get better.

Yes be strong ISA, make your plan and edge towards but have a back up if things get unsafe for you or your dc.
I've had a rough week. I told my dh last week that I'd found a house that I liked. He said why was I going on about this business again as I would just be killing him and dcs. That I should wait, and to please reconsider. I said I couldn't, I'd given all I had and I wasn't prepared to keep going as we are anymore.
Since then as before the subject hasn't been raised, he's been as sullen and grouchy as ever but carrying on as normal.
I'm not sure I've got the house which is eating me up. But I just feel so surreal like have I really said were over, has it sunk in, won't he believe it until I'm gone.
It's really messing with my head.
Instead of all these chances and space and talks I should just go. Like a man would more likely go I guess. I don't want him to stop me but a little acknowledgement of our situation would be something and what I've said, instead I get, oh you haven't given it enough time, enough effort.

Where has everyone gone?

Hi. Haven't posted for a while. Had a horrendous experience last night and I can't work out how I am feeling about it. I got up about 3am. We had had a few drinks last night so I was thirsty. When I went back to our bed (I've been back in my bed for a month and a half but no closeness) the quilt was all messed up so I kicked the bottom to 'fluff' it back. Turns out loads of my side was under his shoulder. He kicks the cover and I'm like "what are you doing? Then he sits bolt upright and starts swearing, moved all the cover around, probably half asleep, so it was repositioned and cold effectively rearranging the side. I was really upset as to how he reacted so I got up upset and left the room saying "arsehole" or something that I can't remember. I went in with DD. He starts shouting "Unbelievable" and "fucking bitch" he went downstairs for a drink and came storming back up. Went back to bed "fucking monster" then back up punched something 5 times then the door twice. He wouldn't let it go and stormed up to me saying "fucking apologise". I got back up and said you need to calm down or leave - again "fucking apologise". I followed him back to the bedroom saying calm down and you're going to wake the children/next door neighbour.. Then he brushed his teeth and went back to bed. it was awful and I lay awake for an hour terrified he was going to get back up again. It's our three year anniversary in a couple of days and I want to kick him out
Any advice? Is this a deal breaker?

I'm still here and reading, just haven't been posting. I'm struggling a bit, feeling very tired and teary when I should just be plugging ahead and getting things done. Financially things are tough, and I'm finding yet again that my ability to hold down a job and generally keep on top of things is limited thanks to as-yet-undiagnosed issues. I was supposed to be at work today but halfway there I found myself turning around and coming back home to bed. Not sick exactly, but not in any state to deal with people in any competent way.

I'm helping ex move this week. A friend tells me I'm the best ex-wife ever, but as I see it I'm just making sure the children have two stable, adequately-furnished homes. It does worry me a bit that it will be hard for me to re-partner with my ex still hanging around being chummy.

Iron that sounds awful. It doesn't seem that things are getting any better for you at all. I wouldn't be able to excuse that sort of behaviour, especially being sworn at, but then I am a bit of a pearl-clutcher when it comes to bad language. Do you think the alcohol made it worse? Or is this pretty typical at the moment?

Shandy have you heard if you have the house yet?

Josian thank you for asking. Happens about once possibly twice a year. He's extremely stressed with work which I understand but I don't think I deserved being called a 'fucking monster/bitch" for accidentally waking him up.

Iron, that sounds horrible and it's hard to come back from these 'incidents' and act normal!? I have similar here, recently he lost temper ending in banging Dds door open so hard it hit her in face, she was very upset, I was angry (just in from bloody work) so I slept nxt to dd...he does similar strop. How can you sleep nxt to someone when they behave like that..it's not reasonable to expect you to lie nxt to them. Just leads to horrible tension in home.
I did attempt the 'conversation ' about 5wks ago, saying it's effectively over, I want to work out how to move forward in way that is best for kids, even said I no longer love you. Fast forward to last Fri morning, he says I love you (in jokey way as I'd made him cuppa)..then proceeds to ask repeatedly 'do u love me? Do you? Do you? ' Ffs..I could have screamed 'NO!!'
I think he's in denial

Been reading this and previous thread and have to admit it's made me cry because I have felt so alone lately and I feel so sad and also somewhat glad to know that others may understand how I feel.

I don't know if I'm coming or going. Not married but long term relationship. No DCs but aged 32 I am desperate for them.

DP and I reached crisis in the summer as work stress took him pretty close to a breakdown and I was also struggling with pressures of work and a house move (some other issues that I can't mention as likely to out me)

I don't know if it was the combination of us both reaching crisis points at a similar time and not having anything left over but since that time our relationship has effectively broken down. No communication, I feel angry and irritated by him, no sex since July (but TBH it's never been amazing) and I'm so upset as to what to do.

Over 10 years and I might have to walk away and start again. At 32 my fear is that I never have a family but also scared to waste any more time trying to fix this.

Just wanted to say that i really feel for anyone in this situation as it's tearing me apart. I feel so confused and exhausted.

He's not a bad guy. I just don't feel connected to him at all right now. We wanted to get married and start a family and now I'm in a state of total anxiety and pain. It's agony

Belle678, feel for you... But believe me you have time to have family so try to relax on that one..could u suggest couple counselling to him? Even if you could sound off on your own it might help sort your head out..mumsnet is like therapy to me, deep breath and breathe...you will be ok.

Belle I am in exactly the same situation, the only difference is that I am 27 and have been with DP for 5 years.

Just leave. Staying in a broken relationship because you fear you won't meet someone else to have a family with is wrong, for both of you. If you know it is over and no DC are yet involved, walking away is the most respectful thing you can do.

I took my decision recently and I am
now looking for a place to stay. As soon as I find it, I will talk to DP.

Scary place to be, but I feel alive for the first time in years

Thanks tooyoung and hurley - I seem to have lost my confidence and self esteem which is probably because I've felt so low and stressed for several months now.

I don't want to regret my decision so I have booked a couples counselling session for us. Recently I've been seeing a counsellor myself and she has suggested I'm not in a good mind space to make any major decisions and that from the way I describe my relationship and partner that there is a lot of good in there.

I know that it's not all bad - no cheating or abuse - but im not happy and as hard as it is to walk away from everything we have together, I feel that this is the likely outcome.

I want to be married and try for a family and I just think I've maybe held back on these things as I know deep down that I can have a good and lovely life with DP but that it's maybe not enough.

Maybe I'm mad and I'll never get anything better but I feel I have to try - and I just need to accept that at 32 I may have left my chances of marriage and children behind me but that's something I'll need to live with if that turns out to be the case.

I've invested so much in us - makes it all so gut wrenching

Listen to your instincts. If it feels wrong don't try to patch it up..you could just waste time. Children put a huge demand on relationship and if there are problems now, after excitement of babies, they will still be there but worse and it's much more complicated to get out then. You've got time on your side.. Had my youngest at 41! Listen to your instincts...,

So I'm in quite a bad place since posting this morning. Been teary all day. Been to visit my BF tonight after work. He has apologised but I cannot get over the feeling of terror in the early hours. How no one called the police in this day and age. He could have been killing me - baffles me.
So it's my birthday and our 'anniversary' tomorrow. I'm so not up for a birthday and the anniversary stuff seems like a big mind game. Came home with all intention of asking him to move out for a few days but I'm too scared to speak.
Also been crying off an on when I've come home and he hasn't battered an eyelid.

This is not 'normal' is it?

Nope it's not, it's crap..he's hoping it 'blows over'. Tell him you need to talk, or at least go and write it down, putting it on paper makes it easier I feel, otherwise I find whole scene becomes a muddle in my head...you are not overreacting he's made you fearful and miserable.. Hope you are ok and get some sleep tonight.

Thanks Hurley. I have been awake off and on since half three 24 hours after lying trembling thinking he was going to get up and start again. The apology was in passing last night and there was zero attempt to talk to me and sort anything out.

Since I have been awake I have been contemplating asking him to leave today. I don't know if I have grounds to. I am planning on packing him a bag and leaving it in the car so he can unload it when he gets to his mums to pick up the kids later. But I don't know if I can go through with it. It's everything I have been talking about in this thread -my complete unhappiness but I am not sure if I am strong enough to see it through...

The fact that he has made you feel so bad is grounds enough.. It's draining isn't it. Just remember that it should not be like this it can be better, being without a man who makes you feel like that isn't such a bad thing. You are strong, you cope with life with kids..That's proof! Tell him you want few days apart, let him stay at his mums. Good luck 🍀

Punching walls is domestic violence. He is abusive.

Iron sending strength to you. It's so hard I feel for you but try and think long term and take action. I know how hard it is but it's not right. Really and the lack of acknowledgement means he'll try and forget about it, make you forget and minimise it. You can be strong snd you will then be safe.
I'm still waiting for my escape. But I know what I have to do even if it's taking a while.
Love to all.