Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Hot I completely sympathise, it's so difficult, but I believe the repeated arguments over the same thing happen (and are usually instigated) out of denial. Me and P haven't shared a bed since he cam back from a week staying away from the family home after a 'repeated' argument where he lost his temper and became violent. Looking back I have minimised his actions (although he didn't actually hit me, he was aggressive, rough and controlling my body so I coyldn't leave the house). I knew I could never forgive what he did, but it seemed so trivial after I calmed down.
It has made me a mental mess, I don't know what I feel toward him. I do love him, I do care about him and his feelings (that I only seem to think he has when I am at my lowest, he never shows emotion otherwise) but I hate him and I dont want a relationship. Fast forward 3 months and I sought this thread again because I am struggling. Rightly so I think, today he text to ask when I plan to sleep in our room and it's spiralled into an unwitting argument over me being unloving... again!
So the argument ensues, again, because he isn't happy with the outcome, he hasn't got what he wants. I can't simply be allowed to put it to rest or ignore it because my feelings have not changed, he is determined to make things 'better' and I hate it.
Feeling very sorry for myself this morning, sorry all :(

So sorry hermione. The situations we find ourselves in are just so hard and yet they look relatively straightforward on the surface.
I am feeling such a depth of impending guilt and chaos for my actions to separate from dh. Since I've told him from having hardly any time together every minute we now have feels like an hour pressing on me. I'm so tense.
I'm hoping to go and see some houses tomorrow or the next day and I don't know whether to tell him. It doesn't seem like it should be his business and yet I feel I'm betraying him if I don't. Even though this has been years in coming of conversation after conversation it still feels like I'm springing it on him from his reaction and yet I can't bear to have a conversation every night about the future when it is likely to still be a few months away.

Thanks Shandy
I hope your house viewings go smoothly, I know what you mean about feeling traitorous for getting along with things. Is there any way you could entirely generalise it? Just so he understands that it the inevitibable is happening, but without it being painstakingly obvious. Perhaps something along the lines of "I'm going to be busy taking care of a few things today.."
I think you need to feel comfortable viewing because it should be a pleasant and positive step into the future, but I get why it will be hard.
We all beat ourselves up about the upheaval we feel we are causing, but I think we need to look at the alternate reality. Is staying and being miserable, spreading misery by being miserable, building resentment, living in that atmosphere any good for anyone? I try to read threads on here about the happier endings after the hard bit to help me face what is yet to come.

shandy your conversation could have been verbatim what we've had in the past- enough that it gave me a fright when i read it. I'm not engaging anymore as its just destructive - we go round and round and round - why am I so terrible, why are you doing it, well you never tried etc etc.
I've had 2 days with the house to myself (apart from work) and its been bliss. I now require to vent that my solicitor appears to be doing stuff at glacial erosion speed whn I want stuff to start moving. I'm terrified to think about still being here at Christmas, but I'm really thinking I might need to move out if othing is happening - its bloody awful. DS won't even let DH empty the potty so I dread to think how they'll get on with spending any time together when we have separated.

I had a wobble today looking at rental prices in our area. Financially we'd both struggle to move out (our current house has v low rent – so who should benefit from that?). He'd probably be able to cope better as he drives and I don't (and he has a company car so it doesn't cost him anything to run, no way I could afford to take on the running of a car) so could move a bit further away and still manage the school run etc. But if I'm the one breaking things up and he hasn't actually done anything wrong, I can't force him out of his home!

All months away anyway. But I keep dreaming/fantasising about this perfect co-parenting life after separation, and real life keeps intruding to remind me there's no way it will be that simple.

Lego hold onto the dream because you can make it happen. Yes, there are hurdles in the way, but you'll clamber over them one at a time.
Isaintheshop there's nothing worse than waiting is there? When you say about moving out because nothing is happening, I totally understand what you mean. That feeling that you have to take action yourself for the sake of making progress, I have been struggling with the merry go round when he 'left' and we had split, he came back. Now I'm taking the action myself. I will be ever vilified for being the 'homewrecker' but I'm now having to see my gp for help to manage depression arising from this awful home situation. I can't go on like this much longer, it's soul destroying and the partnership is becoming more and more dangerous.

My own little rant... I'm sick of being told I am broken, of being told my depression caused this, I'm sick of being manipulated into assuming guilt because he can't accept responsibility for his shortcomings as a supportive partner! I feel like the table turned, before it was always me trying to hold us together, be romantic and make effort to keep us going with no returned affection, constant being put down, let down and ignored daily. I maintained our finances, our home and the children, single handed while he sat around drinking. Since he has given up drinking, I still do all the housework, all the worrying about money, all the cooking, childcare, bed and bath times, nappy changes, lunch making and so on... but he is sober. There was still no affection, just mechanical sex when he wanted it, no love, no help, nothing. Now the shoe is on the other foot. I look at him and despise him, he accuses me of not being attentive, not offering love or romance and not making an effort. Blames my mental health and refuses to talk to me, even for the sake of the children, until I vet 'professional help'. I tried and tried pointing out that its the state of the relationship that is causing the depression, not the other way around. But no, he will accept no responsibility whatsover besides telling me he has apologised for his poor behaviour whilst drinking so I'm to stop blaming that being the root of where we started going wrong.
My gp has been fantastic despite me not really wanting to go as it just vindicates his need to lay blame anywhere but at his feet. I'm not saying he is solely responsible, but refusal to even discuss my feelings (instead he shouts what he feels and how he is trying and then when I go to talk I apparently make him too angry and get sent away) makes me so miserable. I'm giving up, it will get nowhere in any case and I just want out. Out out out! Which he knows and ignores, if he thinks things are ok, then things are ok, even when they are not!

Hermione I so sympathise with you. This is how it is for me minus the drinking. It's all my fault, all in my head although he has said sorry after I asked him eventually, but it doesn't wipe everything away. You have to follow it up with action, love, respect. None of this happens and he says he wants to talk but then like you blames me for making him to mad to talk, not letting him talk, not waiting, not being there, anything at all. I'm fed up with it and I'm planning my escape. I've told him he's sort of taking it in but I'm walking on eggshells worried it won't happen for some reason or other. Wish me luck.

Best of luck Shandy, in the nicest way possible it's a comfort to know there is someone who understands the sheer effort it takes to cope. It will happen (not saying that won't come with it's own downsides) take all the positivity you can and hold on to the dream
It sounds like you are confronting denial as well. No matter how many times I have tried to have 'the conversation', he gets upset (apparently) which presents as angry. Then as long as he continues as normal over the following days and weeks, I'm expected to desist my thinking, or be the unreasonable one for continuing to be unhappy.
It probably doesn't help that I am financially dependant (had to give up work following maternity leave almost 2 years ago) because of the lack of support finding, arranging and paying for childcare. I feel hopelessly stuck and that's before the guilty feelings of actually separating.
Strength to all

Hello everyone - I feel so much for everyone on this thread. I feel I belong here. I'll be as brief as I can - DH and I have been together 15 years, we have a beautiful 4yo daughter, lovely house, lovely life, he is the main breadwinner, he's my best friend and soulmate, he loves me so much, he's the most wonderful man I've ever met; but our relationship lost its romantic spark some time ago (on my part; his feelings are the same as ever in this regard), I have only recently faced up to the awful truth that I view him more like a best friend or brother, I just can't be physical with him anymore, not even little things like holding hands or cuddling.

A month or two ago I couldn't hold it in anymore, and told him things were not working between us. He was understandably devastated. He wants to 'work things out' and be a proper couple/family again. I willingly agreed to do counselling (both individual and joint) so we have had a few sessions of this so far. We talk and talk - but I feel like this isn't something that we (I) can talk ourselves out of, at the end of the day I just can't see any way for my feelings to change. If only I could just wave a magic wand and make that aspect of our relationship work, I would do it in an instant. I feel like the biggest b in the world for considering throwing away all the good things that we have, for something that seems so petty. I'm hurting him so much it makes me sick. But I know that we both deserve a love that covers all the areas it should, and I can't think of any way to change my feelings. Our counsellors haven't been able to suggest anything that would help either.

So we will see where the next few weeks/months take us, but I feel like I have little hope for staying together. We are now in separate bedrooms. We are in the middle of a huge home renovation project too, the house is a disaster and a lot more money needs to be spent to put it right arghhh. And I'm currently not working but am about to start looking for work, but even if I work I won't be earning much arghhh.

Most of the time I feel paralysed and so, so sad. Anyway, thanks for listening, and best of luck to everyone on this thread

Welcome Que & sorry you're in this position.

It's been an interesting few days for me. I searched old threads under different usernames from up to 6 years ago.

The tone, context and self-belief were so low. They had the clarity that I feel I lost in the past couple of years.

I'm hurting like hell, still. I feel as though he's getting away with murder.

I'm gagging for a good shag. Been over 2 years now. I'm in such bad shape physically I can't imagine anyone being interested.

I'm only 40 and rationally know that there's life in the old dog yet. Just seems a long way off

I think if you have love & admiration for eavother it's a good foundation to make things better. I didn't /don't have that.

Que,apint, hermione hi there and sorry for your situations. Apint I've found it helpful to look back at previous yeats' threads as well esp tonight when dh has bee pleading with me to reconsider splitting. He doesn't think I've tried and yet I've tried and thought of nothing but for over two years. I find it hard to even rationalise my reasons for leaving now just know that I must, but looking at old threads helps for me to be certain that it's not a rushed decision.
The irony is I said to dh what would change and he couldn't reply then started about how I hadn't tried. Oh yes I have he just didn't take me seriously and kept ignoring me and my feelings. And he wonders why a 'sorry' isn't good enough.
After our chat when I remained adamant that this is it we would split and I'd move out dh became jovial and normal. It's strange!

This thread has been so so helpful to me..I've been with husband for 20 years, have 3 daughters 8, 11 and 14. I want to be out of relationship with their father as he basically leaves me to do all the 'grown up ' stuff...he's like a bloody child himself. Over last 8 or so years I've become very detached, coping with almost everything including serious money problems over which he was downright obstructive (hidden debt). I've had s few conversations in last few months with him, trying to explain it's over... I would be so happy if he actually met someone else.. But he gets angry, goes in huff for week during which tension for all is terrible, then pretends all is fine and expects sex. It's a bloody nightmare.. I also dream of living apart and happily Co parenting..Girls are now old enough to see how incompetent he is and criticise him.. Which he does not like. I want to be with a grown up!

Hi , I've just posted a thread of my own on this topic and then found this thread .Hope its ok for me to join on! Just need someone to talk to Feel so desperately sad about the state of my marriage , 3DCs , been together 9 years but just don't feel in love with my husband and I don't fancy him. I'm worried I've never really been properly in love with him. Was only 21 when we married so very young ! My husband is a nice guy. The thought of doing this to him and the kids breaks my heart . But surely this kind of marriage can't be enough forever ?!!

Sorry also wanted to add that I'm coming up to thirty soon , and my eldesr Ds is nearly 8. Thinking that I need to make a decision as it would be better to do this before Ds reaches adolescence and so that I'm not entering my 30s in the same situation .

Jumping in to give my 2 cents. This thread has been amazingly supportive and I hope it is not dead yet.

Long story short, I've been with DP for 5 years and I recently decided I need to break it off. He is the perfect man, loving, caring, honest and just generally amazing.

But I don't love him anymore. I can't bring myself to have sex with him anymore (nothing wrong with him, it is me!)

I was 22 when we got together, now I am 27 sono I still have plenty of time to meet soomeone else I hope. Same for him. He is madly in love with me and thinks we are going to get marries and have a family together.

I feel physically sick at the idea of the pain I am going to cause to him. But he deserves to be with someone that loves him fully and appreciates how awesome he is.

I think postponing this decision is only going to make things worse, in fact I should have done this a long time ago.

Tooypung welcome and I'm sorry for your situation but as you say you're too young to just settle. Breaking up is horrible at any stage but definitely better before kids are involved if that's what your heart is saying.
If it's just the passion that wanes and the love is there that's different. But what you describe sounds like the love has gone as well. Don't beat yourself up though you will look back at this and know you did the right thing.
Wanderlust same for you but obviously with three dcs you need to be absolutely sure it's not just a dip of passion, God knows with the demands of young children we all get a bit frayed around the edges and into routine. Try date nights, re- connecting with what you previously enjoyed together, counselling, but if it's not working there's tough decisions to be made.
I feel I've tried and given my marriage a decent amount of time trying my dh thinks not, but I'm making those tough decisions and just ploughing on. Good luck.

Shandybass, the thing is it's been this way for years . I feel like this , come close to splitting , but chicken out and then just brush things under the carpet. Out of the last 6 years there has only been one year when I haven't been through a phase of at least a few months of wanting to leave him. We just have no connection beyond a superficial level . I feel like I have changed so much since we got married but he is still the same , and we have grown apart . To be honest, even on my wedding day, I wasn't certain that this was what I wanted forever , but I was a knocked up 21 year old (I know , how sensible!!) So I just went ahead and told myself I would make it work . I haven't met anyone else or anything so I know that at this time the only person influencing my feelings is me, but if I'm honest I think if I stay in this situation i could be susceptible to having my head turned by someone in the future and that really isn't good at all.I just feel so scared and sad at the thought of shattering my little family, and feel incredibly selfish that it's just for my happiness. I'm terrified of telling the kids and also my parents!!

Tooyoung- yes please get out now , before you have kids . I'm not much older than you and if it wasnt for the kids I would have left years ago. Free yourself , and him to find someone you truly want to be with . You are 27 with the rest of your life ahead of you and there is no rush to settle down ! (I'm not wishing my kids away but I had told this to my insecure 20 year old self my life would be so different !)

Looking back at my situation, I wish I had left while in my 20s..before kids. We got married without really having much in common.. Different tastes etc..think it was just expected of us, and also I then was so bloody insecure about being on my own! Now all I want is to be on my own with my Dds. If it doesn't feel right listen to your instincts and get out before it gets more complex.

Wanderlust, I totally empathise with you... I have had same feelings for over 20 years...get out sooner, don't waste time as life is too short. It is kind of inevitable that it will just deteriorate further, I kind of hoped it would go away..thinking it's my problem in my head. It's not, it won't go away it will get worse, ending up in bitterness. Sooner it ends less likely this happens I hope!

Too young, I realky believe around the age of 27 you start to become the person you will be so it's natural to reevaluate relationships.Dont feel guilty for moving on,its not right for you or him to stay together.He and you can be happy again.

Hi all, thank you so much for your kind messages. It is great to find this level of support on msn.

I know my situation sounds easy compared to a marriage with kids involved. And it is. It still feels so hard though

He is the loveliest man ever, in fact I am fairly sure I will never find a man like him. I will probably find another man I will fall in love with, but hardly someone as amazing as he is.

I think for us the biggest tell-tale has been sex. While there was never a great chemistry between us, things in the last couple of years really went downhill. Now I can't bear to be touched by him in a sexual way, I literally can't bear it.

In my case there is someone I am attracted to at work. We have been talking and be invited me out for a drink (we have yet to grab this drink together, so nothing happened really).

I feel ashamed to admit that such a silly thing seems to be the push I needed to sit down with DP and talk about ending things.

At the moment I am on holiday with a group of friends and DP, so I can't have that conversation now. Planning to talk to him as soon as we are back.

Does anyone have a link to the first thread ? I think it would help me I could read that , keep googling online to find similar situations to mine but always end up reading stuff like 'divorce will ruin your kids lives!' - not helpful!!

I believe it is this one

test.gransnet.com/Talk/relationships/2592809-Curious-to-hear-from-people-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-but-just-unsatisfying?pg=6&order=

A whole new verbal assault this weeked. Real escalation. He said some terrible things - maybe the worst was that he was planning on turning DS against me as he got older.
He waited until I was putting Ds to bed - who's only just starting to sleep some of the night in his own bed and not co-sleep. He sneaked into my room and took the baby monitor away (its plugged in close to the bed but behind a laundry basket so not immediately visible.)
I woke up hearing DS bellowing in the middle of the night. STBXH had got up, but poor DS was screaming his heart out as ExH has never done any night wakings at all. The next morning when I asked him not to move the monitor without letting me know he shouted at me that "I couldn't well him what to do"
Its really really awful.

Isa I am really sorry to hear. STBXH sounds awful to be honest. And abusive.