Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Option 3 sounds awful. You'd never have a space that's just yours - his shadow would always be there. I'd go for option 1 just for the sake of having control over your own life without having others under your feet.

My ex is aggravating me by being useless, as usual. He needs to move from his current accommodation in a month and is dragging his feet about following up on possibilities. Meanwhile all his crap is clogging up my garage and I am left to call prospective rentals on his behalf because it's the only way get anything moving.

I had a flashback this afternoon to the day he pulled a chair out from under me as I was sitting down when I was 5 months pregnant with our eldest. I landed on the floor and burst into tears from the shock of it. Not sure why I remembered it now. Maybe because the longer we're apart the clearer it becomes that he's never really grown up.

The inertia of it all is suffocating - and sounds like there's a lot of inertia out there. I'd love to know where we are, am I moving , is he moving, when etc etc etc. DH on parental leave this week so DS in nursery as usual

I don't mind someone in the house at all. At least they would be pleasant. Unlike him.

You are all right, option one or two. Will see what professionals say and then tell him.

Hi all. So bloody frustrating isn't it? I'm still tearful far too often. Bastard. He's such a stonewalled. Yes he's good with the kids but he is so bloody shitty to me. Arrgggghh.

We're in limbo. Hope to sell the house in the next few months. Split proceeds and start again, both parties renting. He wanted us to rent 2-bed and take turns there and at the family home. No way. As a pp said, shadows would be looming all the time. Hard enough communicating without texting to find out if there is any bread in.
I'm so low at the minute. Pretty much everything is going wrong. It's crap for him too, I get that.
My expectations are still too high. I want him to make an effort to communicate better but he can't/can't be arsed, and it's upsetting me.

Here's to brighter days ahead.

Nightmare - he wants his sister to come and stay. She's a nice girl but anyone with half an ounce of emotional intelligence would spot something being very very wrong in our house at the minute. He's not told his family. I refuse to pretend, but its his responsilibity to tell his family. That'll be a weird weekend. Wonder if DS will be taken out of nursery early for some disney dadding for a change?

Hi. Handholding required URGENTLY please. I've finally spoken to dh to tell him it's over, 3 months after my last time at the counselling session when he persuaded me to give it a bit more time.
He's still saying this tonight and that I haven't made enough effort. I told him 3 months ago that I'd had enough of trying and felt that it had only been me trying.
He thinks I'm cruel doing this to him and the kids and that there's no need. We live separate lives, separate beds anyway why do I need to move out and cause chaos and hurt to everyone.
I sort of agree with this but have tried to say that it's not a good role model of a relationship for them, I'm not happy, I don't think that he's happy and at some point one of us would think it was fine to have an affair and I don't want to do that. Of course he thinks then I've got someone or I'm just swayed by my separated friends. He also said the kid wouldn't thank me for the upset.
He is so upset.

Oh Shandy, well done & stay strong. You are doing the right thing. It's not a marriage and you deserve happiness and the kids will be fine,it's awful for them seeing this as a role model. Much better to see a happy mum. The unhappiness would eat away at you. I'm in exactly same position but months down line from the chat and he still barely accepting it. I'm the big baddie to his family. He is using emotional blackmail & trying to control you by mentioning kids. Feel free to pm x

We live separate lives, separate beds anyway

I always thought marriage was about sharing your life with another person. If it's not shared, it's not marriage, just an unhappy housemate arrangement, and of course you should be able to say enough. Keep your eye on the future you want for yourself and your children, Shandy. You can do it

Shandy I was on this thread a few months back with you all. Well done for being so strong and having that part of the conversation. The way you were received is my fear (hence I haven't got there yet). Everyday I think what I would do when I live singly again. Not in the sense of 'I could date' etc but just that I can relax when it suits me, in a way that suits me, rather than feeling watched or ridiculed for my supposedly pointless hobbies. I can decorate and maintain my home in ways I want to without the opinion that I'm being frivolous and fancy (wasting money to repaint dated terracotta walls, apparently). The children won't have to feel in-between parents. Yes, they will more clearly view the separation, but they get to be who they are without treading on eggshells and trying to balance the love they give out in fear of offending. For me I can't wait to cook what I would like to eat, and have more routine...
Is there a way you could explain how the juxtaposition of living together after separation is likely to cause further friction? Things as unimportant as who is responsible for what chores etc is going to drain the both of you.
A handhold from me

Realised a lot of what I wrote is entirely unhelpful, more a self-pitying whinge.
He is bound to be upset, I'm sure it's not a wonderfully chipper feeling for you either. I think the same way as we (us and pps) all know it's coming, and it needs to be ended, we are sad it will be different, worried that there will be change, fear regret and mainly don't want to cause the immediate upheaval.
However, looking over the stories from people who have left shows that while it takes time, it works out in the end and generally both parties are happier. It seems upsetting initially, but I should imagine it will be freeing for him eventually. I tell myself this for my partner too. What do they hope to achieve out of maintaining a miserable co- existence? I think it really comes down to the hope that it's not really real. You still see eachother daily and the status quo (however ugly and miserable it is) is maintained, the chance that things will come full circle to being 'ok' again. It's soul destroying being on the merry go round, for them as much as us I believe.
Could you schedule a chat and go through the 'after' options? How childcare would work, maybe even family occasions etc so that the finality seems less devastating and enforces that there are positives to living apart...
Just remember that this is no-ones 'fault' it's just how some things work out, the number of people on the thread is testament to that. You should not feel guilt (easier said than done, I know) and shouldn't feel that it's not right for the children. You are perfectly right when you say that this isn't what we want to model to them.

Hi! I feel like I belong on this thread, currently stuck in a mind numbingly dull sexless marriage with a passive aggressive man who will not leave but will not change either. I will come back later and post some more but in the meantime I just wanted to say hi and good luck to those making the break

Hi.

I have been with hubby for 3 years and not sure if our relationship is working. We have a 5 month old and constantly fight over his ex due to her past behaviour and his son with said ex as he will not parent his son. We spend the little free time we have at opposite sies of the room doing our own thing and he hid some really serious stuff from me 8 months ago that I still can't forgive him for or trust him (he consented to his ex wife using their embryos left from IVF treatment and didn't tell me. I will point out I know he did not need my permission to do this just he should have told me he was doing this). He did this so she would not get mad. Our whole lives are based on her not getting mad. Feel trapped.

Thank you everyone hermione, josian and hot. And welcome ghost and fanoir. I really appreciate your comments and handholding and yes it's the little freedoms like changing decor, spending money I'm looking forward to, but even saying that sounds awful when what I'm contemplating for my family is massive upheaval.
Yes I'll need to make sure o do the after childcare etc chat. I'm really nervous about tonight and how things will be now for us co existing but post this chat. At least we're all busy this weekend.

Ive been to see a solicitor this morning so know what I need to do. I am going for a separation agreement and then wait 2 years for non contested divorce. Financial advisor next week and then present it all to my very un accepting ex.

Stay strong Hotwater By the sounds of things you are further along that a lot of us and I applaud the courage and strength it no doubt took you to get there.
Wishing you all the best with the plans next week.

Well last night was ok. Dh never mentioned or asked anything. I think this is how it's going to be, a long hard slog constantly having to bring it up.
I'm house hunting although I have a good idea what I want. Time wise I'm worried that Christmas is round the corner.
How's everyone? Hot sounds like you're going solo with all the arrangements as well. I'm going on the premise that I can leave as I am, get him to pay the standard child % of his salary and sort out other finances again. Is this wise, what people do? It won't be major as we're both similar in terms of assets.

Shandy Glad all went ok :)
Ghost I read your other thread, so sorry you are feeling so let down and disappointed. I know you feel betrayed that there was no mention of the IVF embryos being used, but now you do know, how do you feel about the pregnancy/child? (Sorry I haven't seen any follow up so not sure how it's panning out) I'm sorry you got harsh replies about step parenting etc over there, but to me it sounds like you have been incredibly supportive and I'd be jealous personally. Is leaving something you are considering? It may feel like it's all just trivial stuff but you really don't seem happy with any aspect of the relationship anymore. I've been to and fro leaving/staying, wanting out, dreaming of a different life for so long that I know it's hopeless trying to work things out, not least because I don't want to. If you need to talk, feel free to pm, but I'm planning on sticking around here anyway. Hope you can have an enjoyable weekend

I feel so stuck and I can't see a way out. A week ago h agreed to "try to look for somewhere else to live" and since then it hasn't been mentioned again. He lives in a permanent state of denial and I know from past form that raising it again is going to mean a huge row that I don't have the energy for and we will go round in circles and achieve nothing. We rent and both our names are on the tenancy, he works ft and could easily afford a room in a shared house whereas I am only pt and would need a 2 bed flat which would partly be covered by housing benefit and no lls will accept that. I am working towards better paid work and increasing my hours but rent in this area is so expensive there is always going to be an element of hb involved and the no dss thing seems to be a blanket rule - I have been calling all the letting agents in the area at least weekly since May and not even been allowed to view anywhere. I am nc with my family so can't go there and uprooting the kids and changing jobs to move to a cheaper area seems like such a huge move. We manage ok day to day but there is just nothing there. He lies constantly and has done since before we got married, he is passive aggressive and will not communicate, he stonewalls and idk if it's deliberate or just an extension of the denial and compulsive lying but I feel like he gaslights me too. We haven't had sex since February and I have been sleeping on the sofa every night since May yet he will not accept that it's over and at the same time he will not make any attempt to change either. I hate feeling like he has all the power while I look like the unreasonable one and I don't want this to be our lives until the children leave home.

Oh you poor thing fanoir. It's so difficult being interdependent when you're trying to separate. My dh has been really pulling at my heart strings tonight. I wasn't expecting it as I thought he'd be in denial but he's gone the other way into how am I going to cope. This is so not hiim, it's thrown me, but I don't know how I can be so cold and heartless.

It's like kicking a puppy isn't it Shandy? Are you having second thoughts or is it just a wobble? I think that when they live in such a state of denial they truly believe its not really happening and that puts the (ex) partner in a position where they have to make all the difficult decisions alone and they act shocked when they are confronted with the reality even after it's been spoken about numerous times.

A wobble I think fanoir. It was all poor me how will I cope. But my natural reaction is to stand in and make it alright which probably won't help me either. Everything before now has been what's the problem childcare it's easy, to now have how am I going to cope has thrown me. But writing this I realise it's all about him still and nothing about me, not that I want anything major it's just I've been struggling with where are we going, what can change for so long to get to this point. I think you know what I mean fanoir. It's like hello this is why I've been mad with you trying to get it to work and you put it down to a little paddy if get over to ignore.

Tried to have a bit of a conversation last night, which went nowhere. Acknowledges things are terrible, said maybe things have to get worse before they get better (?!) and said we need to work on things – which we've said for years, but no work ever happens and things have only got worse.

I want to say "we're done" but financially we can't afford to split until next year, so it feels pointless to say that now. But oh I just want to be free…

Wow I agree with what all of you are saying about the denial & going round in circles. I came home today from staying at my friends to be confronted with another huge argument over the same things, he was so intimidating and fierce and shouting at me to leave that I did. I just got in my car with my overnight bag from last night and left. Now at mums (which I can only stick so long). I phoned the kids & said dad and I argued and I've come to calm down at Grannys. But I don't think I can go back. 😕

Oh hot that's awful. You poor thing. Shouting and intimidation is so not on. You can't live like that. Is there a rental or something you could get. Please don't put yourself or your kids in danger or even allow any more emotional trauma.
Wishing you luck.