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Original poster

Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

999 replies

All0vertheplace · 22/06/2016 09:11

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

OP posts:
VK86 · 14/09/2016 13:05

I logged on anonymously to online dating last night and have come to the conclusion that it's definitely not for me!
The only men that were open to a 30 year old are in there 50s! Hmm whereas men in their 30s-40s seem to be looking for women in their 20s.
I will stick to real life dating in future I think, once I'm settled without H I think I might take up a class learning a language or something to help me meet new people.
Although I know I'm not quite ready for that just yet. I'm feeling a bit wobbly about H leaving this week, I know it's for the best but still can't help mourning the family I thought I would have.
The kids haven't been told officially yet, but they definitely seem aware of changes, particularly my youngest, she had a paper love heart that she had ripped in two and she told me that she ripped her heart because daddy and I don't love each other any more Sad I asked her how that made her feel she said "sad" then she changed the subject so I let her move on. I feel like I've failed my kids because we're splitting up but logically I know that it's for the best.
How is everyone else doing?

Original poster
All0vertheplace · 14/09/2016 13:53

VK86 -- Oof, that paper heart story is terribly sad. I guess for me the main thing is to make sure the kids know that (a) none of it is their fault, and (b) each parent still loves THEM just as much as ever. Doesn't totally make it all right, but a definite start. When are you going to make it official?

As for the O.L.D. conundrum, it does seem that there are a lot of guys on there looking for younger models (so to speak). Although personally, as a guy in his early 40s, I am definitely not looking for anyone in their 20s or even early 30s. I can't be alone in wanting to be with someone who is roughly at the same phase of her life as me. Keep looking, and make it clear what you're after (and why). It does sound like quite early days for you, as it is for me, but a little bit of dating (or at least the idle contemplation of it) can go some way towards shining a few rays of hope on an otherwise fairly gloomy situation.

OP posts:
VK86 · 14/09/2016 14:25

Thanks allover that's reassuring.
DD is only 4 but she sure knows how to pull on your heart strings Sad
I plan on making it official on Saturday afternoon, H will have the keys to his new flat by then, al his furniture etc is being delivered on Thursday morning and blinds etc on Friday so he will have it looking homely etc by then.
The plan is to tell the kids together, allow them to process it then all 4 of us will go to the new flat to see it and show the kids the parks nearby etc then we will go for a meal nearby as well (if we think everyone can cope with that) so that dad's new place seems as positive as possible. (Hopefully)

Original poster
All0vertheplace · 14/09/2016 14:29

Sounds like a great plan. A little 'togetherness' even in this time of separation should help make the whole thing feel a little less scary and sad. Also good move on getting H's flat looking good before the kids see it -- I really made an effort to get beds, bedding, bookshelves, books etc as I have memories of my own parents' divorce and my dad's place just feeling slightly shabby and sparse. Didn't want to replicate that for my kids.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 14/09/2016 17:30

Up, are you guys still living together?

Josian · 14/09/2016 22:36

From observing my own children and those of friends I can say that they do get sad about separation, but a long as you can show them that you're still on good terms and a team as far as they're concerned, it passes fairly quickly. It's when the children become a battleground, or the parents can't even speak to each other, that they suffer. We told ours that we're still friends but we're not happy living together. So far so good.

I must be a defective character because I love it when he takes the children. They're with me full time because his erratic work hours make it impossible for them to have any sort of routine with him, but they can go to his any time they like when he's not at work. A day without them is bliss. I suspect a couple of weeks without them would let me reconnect with the old me, the one who was an individual instead of a mother responsible for several small people.

I agree with VK about the OLD scene. 50 year old men looking for a woman no older than 38 Hmm. Guess what fellas, my standards are way higher now than they used to be. I don't want you either. I'm getting involved in some local groups and going to cultural events and crossing my fingers that I'll meet someone.

Original poster
All0vertheplace · 15/09/2016 09:00

Good plan, Josian -- following your interests and focusing on your own self-development/social life can lead you straight towards someone who might be really well suited to you, and in the meantime you get to do some socialising and enjoy a bit of cultcha!

OP posts:
UpYerGansey · 15/09/2016 11:10

Hot - unfortunately, we are still under the one roof, yes. And will be for quite some time.
He's not going anywhere. (He never does).

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 15/09/2016 14:32

Hi all!

ExDH implied last week that he wanted us to get back together.. That he would do anything etc etc

I don't trust him to do that though, whenever I needed him to nurture/empathise he didn't bother. He says he was angry with me by way of explanation Hmm

Short of a complete lobotomy, I can't see how we could possibly work.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 15/09/2016 16:54

Pint you have to be 100% certain to consider it. Mine always said things would change. They never did.

Up, have you told ex you are dating. I'm chatting to someone but it will kill him if I tell him and yet don't want to lie and sneak around.

LegoStarWars · 15/09/2016 17:22

People who are still living together but have had The Conversation – where do you sleep? Does everyone have spare rooms?

We only live in a two-bedroom house (DS is in other room), so one of the things that's making me put things off is that I know we won't be able to afford to live separately for months. If I sleep on the sofa that's really obvious to DS – but ideally we wouldn't tell him we were separating until closer the time? And he'd be bound to mention it to his grandparents.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 15/09/2016 20:15

We are lucky to have a spare room but he slep there for months before we told the DC, said his snoring was so mad I couldn't sleep (which was also true)

VK86 · 15/09/2016 22:56

I have now officially left "limbo"
H got his keys today, moved furniture in, we told the kids tonight at dinner, which went surprisingly very well!
So everything actually feeling really positive at the moment, kids are going to have their first sleepover at dads tomorrow which they're pretty excited about.

shandybass · 15/09/2016 23:15

Congrats kind of VK. Have yourself a chill for a major step out of limbo.
Guess what I'm still here, I need a plan. Now.

IronNeonClasp · 17/09/2016 10:53

Still here too Shandy. Cruising along in my unhappiness. It's not awful it's just not great. No sex, social occasions, date night, being made to feel you are romantically important. There is just no 'romance'. Just feeling very mummsy and unattractive.

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 17/09/2016 19:38

I couldn't tell you the last time I was flirted with.
I'm not even sure my exDH flirted with me.
WTF is flirting anyway??!!
I'm sad Sad

VK86 · 17/09/2016 20:52

I've had a bit of a mixed bag this weekend. Was so happy with how well the kids took the news, then they went to stay at H new flat last night, they seemed great when they left. I had a lovely night going out to see Bridget Jones with friends.
Then when I picked kids up this evening they cried all the way home because they would rather stay with their dad Sad
Makes me wonder if I must be a really bad/boring mum?! So just generally feeling sorry for myself and my babies now.
I'm letting them stay up a bit later tonight to watch inside out.

shandybass · 18/09/2016 09:46

Oh VK. Post on here your frustrations. I'm sure that's absolutely the hardest thing to hear from your kids but try not to blame them or your ex. Things will settle I'm sure.
I've just had a weekend on my own and I think missing out on my kids days and experiences will be the hardest thing for me, but I'm trying to rationalise that this letting go of your kids is a lifelong process anyway. I think someone else said that too. Pearls of wisdom from mumsnet.
The alternative is my friends experience of having parents that hate each other but continue to live in misery. And another whose parents have finally after many close things over the years splitting finally in their old age at retirement.
How crap is that for everyone.

VK86 · 18/09/2016 13:35

Completely agree shandy, it just makes me feel guilty more than anything, as I feel like I've done this to them.
I know they will get over it and so will H and I. We were all together at mass this morning for DD primary 1 welcome mass, and Macmillan coffee morning, so I think it's great that H and I can still be friends for these types of things.
Onward and upward.
How is everyone else doing?

VK86 · 18/09/2016 14:01

Completely agree shandy, it just makes me feel guilty more than anything, as I feel like I've done this to them.
I know they will get over it and so will H and I. We were all together at mass this morning for DD primary 1 welcome mass, and Macmillan coffee morning, so I think it's great that H and I can still be friends for these types of things.
Onward and upward.
How is everyone else doing?

Isaintheshop · 19/09/2016 14:52

Its still limbo hell here. Usually there's a break as he spends a couple of days working away but for some reason has decided to do extra time at home - 3 whole weeks. Its stretching in front of me like a prison sentence. I feel so guilty too - that DS is seeing the no talking parents as normal at his young age. Hopefully we can get moved out of limbo soon but I might have to be the one to move....I keep thinking about the practicalities. The main issue is having someone in the house for cover when I work oncall -which means going home but maybe getting called back in.

Original poster
All0vertheplace · 26/09/2016 13:40

Just wanted to give this a little bump and find out how everyone is doing this week.

OP posts:
BankWadger · 26/09/2016 20:36

I hate him. Only another few weeks and I should be telling him it's over, but fuck the wait is killing me.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 26/09/2016 23:19

Totally messing me up living together. He was away at weekend. It was bliss. Seeing solicitor on Friday and IFA following Friday. I need him to leave but he says he won't go.

What do you think of these options:

  1. Sell house, buy smaller cheaper one nearby and reduce mortgage meaning we can afford mortgage & rent. I stay in house till youngest leaves school. He rents. He keeps his stake in house fully. He can then buy me out or sell and split.
  2. I stay in house & he rents but I rent out spare room to Mon to Fri contractor or foreign language student. Again he keeps stake in house.
  3. We rent a cheap room in shared flat nearby and take turns staying there.
Help!!!
Isaintheshop · 28/09/2016 11:32

Its grim isn't it hotwater? How would you feel about someone in the house? SOunds like it might be the option with the least disruption. I have heard of people doing the shared other flat thing though I think it would be a total nightmare - no sanctuary, no safe space really.
DH has taken parental leave this week - so DS is in nursery as usual!
Really wish my solicitor would hurry up. She's great but can be slow.....