Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

I also haven't seen anything nasty.
I'm another that's struggling, my kids still don't know yet, H still doesn't have the keys to his flat though is apparently moving tomorrow
Kids don't seem to listen to a word I'm saying ever! Which is beyond frustrating, meanwhile I'm working 2 jobs and still working towards a qualification in one of them, keeping the house and kids and trying to keep up with a ridiculously over involved school, I feel like I'm being stretched thinner and thinner each day

Sorry worded message wrong. Here is link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2725863-Help-with-being-stalked-by-iphone

VK you sound so stressed. Hope you are ok. If he gets keys today are you telling kids this weekend?

Where is everyone at? Are you ok? VKtakecare, Iron, Allover, apint and so many more.

I'm ok, H still here, his flat is now not going to be ready until Wednesday
So still in limbo here.

Hotwaterbottle are you ok? Did you phone the police? Definitely worth reporting you oh's violence. Hot i am also in scotland so agree -most lawyers offer one half hour free..mine gave me 40.mins actually and was v helpful. You could eben try a couple of freebies from different lawyers to compare!

All good to hear from you.

I have started chatting to someone on a dating site. We seem to get on extremely well, seems lovely and attractive and I have been honest about my situ. I'm meeting him either tomorrow or later in month as he has a dc. But I am confusèd as fuck and I have been v open with him, he has been lovely and seems accepting that I will prob just want to be in the friend zone for now 🤔..

Meanwhile dp who moved out 2 months ago is continuing to plead pester blackmail me. His denial is chronic. He is stil point blank refusing to see my perspective..i don't feel i can be wity someone this pig headed any more..he is really refuding to accept dad of the year constantly.

I feel mentally ground down by him.as he misinterprets any act of kindness as proof i want him.back. so he's forcing me to act like an absolute arse just to try and get through. Then.i get told barn you ae do cruel. I feel so utterly set up to be trapped or fail.

What shall i do about mr online? ! He said he could wait til end of month if not a coffee tomorrow maybe i should do that. Wil also post on.the OLD thread.

Im OK. I didn't call the police. He has spent all week ignoring me, banging things, slamming doors, being so grumpy the kids have spoken to me about it and then yesterday comes home from work acting like he has won the lottery.

Barn mines is the same, if I'm nice Im giving him false hope & if not I'm cruel.

He now refuses to move out.

I've spoken to a solicitor at length and have a free appt with another one in 2 weeks. I've been advised to contact Family Mediation and get an appointment to work through an agreement with regards to the kids and finance and get an exit strategy. Once agreed a solicitor will draw up a separation agreement.

I've also arranged a sneaky house valuation next week.

Barn as I said in my other post I've chatted online too and met. The way I see it is this is for me, nothing to do with ex or to do with our breakup. We are 100% over. The kids won't know unless further down the line there was anything to know. But that's jumping too far ahead. For now I'm enjoying it for me.

I haven't checked in here for a while as I've been dealing with the practicalities of being on my own. I'm in a house with the children and he's gone into a flat on a short term lease while he works out where he can afford to live.

He'd no doubt be distressed to hear that nothing has really changed in my or the children's lives in his absence. If anything my workload has decreased with one fewer person to look after. The children's routines are exactly as they were except for the fact that one of them goes for a sleepover at his place on the weekends. After a brief stressy period for the children, they've settled into the new place and the new situation beautifully. I was hoping that he would go out of his way to spend time with them but he seems content to do the bare minimum.

He's crossed a few boundaries - just walking in if the door's open when he comes round, following me into my bedroom, that sort of thing. I did manage to say no when he offered to stay with the children in my house so I could go to the shops, and he's now stopped asking me to go to the movies with him. I want to keep things friendly; he's interpreted that as "being friends". Not sure how to go about setting out boundaries without causing upset.

Separation has actually been a bit of a revelation for me. I've never had my own place before. It's the strangest feeling to realise that I can make decisions without feeling obliged to consult anyone else. I only started sitting on my own sofa last week - I'm so used to him being on it most of the time when he's not at work that it hadn't occurred to me that I can have it to myself now.

All in all, I'm still feeling good about my decision to leave. Next question - how do I meet someone else and how soon is too soon.

Josian your post is really encouraging, I'm just on the brink of him leaving to a flat hopefully this week, but it's been put back twice already
I'm not sure about how to go about meeting someone else or indeed how soon is too soon, but I will wait with you for someone wiser to come along

Vk

I'm probably not the best person to ask as have a first meeting this afternoon. And two.months since dp.moved out though severe denial on.his part..

marriagemissions.com/emotionally-distant-husband/

If you're able to disregard the occasional God reference, you might find this really insightful.

One of the clearest articles I have read in a long time.

Genuinely helpful for those who feel neglected, lonely, misunderstood

How was the date Barn?

I'm another curious about your date barn?
Also how did you meet him?
I genuinely don't know how I can go about meeting someone else, since I'll not have much time to go out without kids, and I don't think I have a thick enough skin for OLD.
How is everyone else doing?

Just try online VK, you could be totally anonymous and if you hate it just come off.

I've moved things forward. Had a 40 mins free call with a solicitor and free appt in 2 weeks. Getting house valued and applied for mediation appointment to sort out childcare and finances.

Well done hot. You're an inspiration. I've made myself so busy I haven't got time or energy to have the talk.
I've thought of email but it seems mean.
One of these days. .

Exciting news about the date, barn.

Things here are gradually settling down. Now that school has started, we've got into a routine that seems to be working (I finish work at 3, so I can do after-school pickup pretty much every day, then the kids will stay with me for two weeks at a stretch/go to my ex the other two weeks -- she swings by and collects them when she is done with work at 5:00pm)

Still unsure exactly how to proceed with the new relationship that has appeared unexpectedly in my life over the past couple of months. Want to do the right thing, but so hard to know what that is.

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if it has been discussed elsewhere. How does it work not having DC with you all the time? I am not sure if there is a future in our (perfectly fine, but...) relationship or not. But the thought of not seeing DC every day is truly terrible. I am just not sure I could manage. Yes, I'd have more time for me and to relax and do different things, but at the end of the day my DC matter to me more than anything else now, and I used to be a workaholic. Anyone else in this position?

Being without the kids is the hardest part for me, although it is mitigated by the face that I do see them every day, even if just for an hour or two.

When they're gone, it is very much a case of spending time with friends, going for walks, going to gigs or to see films, sitting in cafes with a book for a couple of hours, exploring the possibilities of new relationships (i.e. a date or two) and just generally staying busy. It is definitely gloomy at times, but I am trying to make it work. In a weird way I think it might help me deal with the kids' eventual (just a few years away) departure to university. That separation must be a real wrench, so I am open to approaching it gradually in this way, and to building an identity/life that does not completely revolve around them. (Again, it's not easy.)

Great viewpoint All. I'm nowhere near ready for dating. No one would have me anyway
I am trying to build self esteem but it's one step forward , three back at the minute

Something to look forward to in new year I think

The dating has been really lovely -- so nice to be reminded of the joys of friendship, companionship, intimacy, etc., when those things had felt lacking from my marriage in recent years.

Ahh that's lovely!! Enjoy

I found the time without dd awful at first, but now I've started to plan nice things to do (instead of the house work!) I've started to enjoy it more. For me the biggest stress of moving out has been housework and cooking. Dp and I were a real team on that (and we could afford a cleaner!) and I struggle to manage it on my own, especially as I have an eating disorder which I'm terrified of passing on to dd. Some days I'd move back in just to have someone else do the washing up one night!

I've attempted online dating but only got as far as one date, everyone else has disappeared after a few messages. I've come to the conclusion I'm deeply boring. Not good for my self esteem!

Hello floundering all over the place kinda people. I've had my absolute dating disaster. Met on okcupid..looked good in the photos. Conversation very polite but seemed on similar level. Met him and nervous as hell but as soon as I saw him I just wanted to run and not look back, found him really unatttactive, awful teeth, awful clothes just no no not on my page - boring - in terms of chat. I endured for an hour and left. It actually made me realise what in many ways a good man I am giving up.

As far as current situation goes we are still stuck in this situation of dp living elsewhere but constant barrage of sad/nasty/guilting texts. Tellinge its MLC /depressiom/my friend's fault. Ph amd yhat 'e eryone agrees' with this. Not my own mind. It's breaking my heart but fucking with my head so very badly. I can't stand seeing him.like this and I feel both angry at him refusing to give my space but also sad and tempting to try being together again just so i can say with 1000% certainty I've tried. But then I've done nothing but try for the last 5 years. Is anyone else on.the reveiving end of this?
.

Bah, sorry to hear the date didn't go well. Did he look anything like his photos, or had he just selected the most flattering ones?

Hi Barn don't worry too much about one crap date. I've had quite a few of those.... The last one was reasonably attractive, but no connection, so that's that. Same with the one prior. I don't really think I should be dating as I did fall stupidly hard for a Very Unsuitable that i was seeing for a few months and I'm still not quite over that.
I felt quite envious All0ver managing the dating scene, since as soon as I met someone that I opened up to, who opened up to me, I fell. So obviously I'm not ready. I can't have that guy, so it hurt a lot. Still hurting.
I'm doing a few meetup things that are kinda fun and keep me occupied.

Things with h are dire. Just dire. I know deep down I still like him, but at the moment, it really is Deep DEEP down. Small example from this morning: Last night h was helping small son with his homework - making sentences using certain words - so he feeds ds a sentence that blows h's own trumpet "My dad knows (names a celeb's) daughter".

I pointed out to h that that was not the aim of the exercise, and that if he was going to show off pointlessly, the least he could do is check the sentence was correct (use of apostrophes and capital letters).
Pathetic.