Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Thanks Wotcher.
Well I think I've got my answer. Dh went out last night didn't get back til late and left early this morning to help a friend with some clearing who had plenty of other people helping him. Stayed out all day although the kids expected him back to do stuff he said with them, and turns up at 5.30 tired out and is now napping.
No phone call nothing and it's been a glorious bank holiday Monday.
If that doesn't speak volumes nothing does. Time to get real.

Same here shandybass I am sat here in.the wobble zone too. In the last 6 weeks dp has majorly upped his game. He couldn't be meeker, more well groomed, biddable and generally kinder if he tried. Coupled with incessant guilting and the lets try family time again...but same as you nothing previously was working. I am so confused. I also feel like I'm running out of reasons to be pissed off now that the initial hurt and anger which triggered all of this has faded (since I'm not living with him). I though5 limbo would end with the bew living arrangements instead its only prolonged it and my planning head tells me Christmas is around the corner.

Oh dear I can't believe it's worse limbo a after splitting. Oh dear, but I know what you mean I think doesn't matter how progressive society has become people always blame the women in love matters. It makes me mad especially as I know it's women who do stuff to keep a home a relationship intact so yes sometimes it really isn't worth the effort and we bail out.
Hang in there barnburnt. Maybe try something you know he would never normally have agreed to?

Oh and yes I'm thinking better get a move on or it'll be Christmas. Although I would be better off waiting maybe as I won't be able to afford pressies like usual.

Not for everyone I am sure but for me , yes. I'd been toing and froimg for about 4 years and thought my mind was made up. I am pretty sure that if he moved back in I'd really struggle with having him round. I don't know whether I should let him stay over one night a week to test the waters BUT that has legal implications and dp concrete mind would become too confused and might nag me further to getting back with him.

I try to keep reiterating the reasons why, on here, to my friends, on.my blog. That sort of helps!

I agree with others about the behaviour changing patterns. We have had so many talks, things change briefly and then back to normal. I am exhausted by it. We have a three year old and a 7 month old (though our marriage is sexless outside of conception...!) I can't quite believe that I have managed to land myself in this sort of situation. I wanted to make this work, but at the minute it feels like death by a thousand papercuts.

Well I failed my last exam to qualify in my job today I'm still allowed another 2 attempts but it means I now have a shitload of paperwork to do in order to keep earning money.
H got the keys to a flat yesterday but has now decided he doesn't like it. He has the option of another flat which he was going back to see today then he can choose which of the 2 will be better for him. I just hope he's not back to stalling tactics because the opportunity of these flats won't come up again for quite some time (owned by family so he will just be paying the cost of the mortgage on them which is tiny)
How is everyone else these days? The thread seems to have gone very quiet lately (maybe because schools are due back in England soon?)

Hi all. Vk so sorry about your exam. These things hit harder when there's turmoil in your life anyway.
I'm still stalling re finishing things. I just can't summon the energy to go through the whole thing again. It's easier as we're living virtually separate lives, but I know it's just a temporary easing and it's a life devoid of hope, planning and happiness.

My dh payed the deposit for a flat yesterday. I'm so confused right now & struggling to remember why we are doing this. We can't tell the dc until the end of September for a few reasons so this is hanging over me like a dark cloud. I cried my way into work today. I felt so sure we no longer loved each other but today I'm gutted. Maybe this is normal? How can you be together for 16 years and not feel upset right?

Hello all of you guys, new to this thread.
I have had a several year break from mumsnet and I think my husband and I broke up on Friday.
It is all a bit weird at the moment.

Welcome incognito

Hey ho all, just checking in, and glad/sad to see the thread is still alive and well. Several months on from the split, and things are a little easier. Being without the kids is the hardest part -- although there is something to be said for having some time alone. Relations between me and the ex are somewhere between frosty and cordial, and the financial/legal stuff is all still out ahead of us. Am I happy? No. But the prospect of future happiness is there on the horizon somewhere.

SO lovely to hear your voice AllOver

Hand hugs Allover. That hope and prospect is what you must hold on to. Well done you.
I'm still here hoping against hope I won't still be by Christmas.
Honey hold on there, keep strong, but of course you're going to grieve, you can't have 16 years of no good times. I so wish I only had next month to wait, or maybe I will. If I get courage!
Incognito welcome.
Hugs to all.

Hello again I keep dipping into this thread then running away. 5 months in from moving out here. very low this morning. I will try to keep reading and hope I can offer something constructive for all

Allover glad to hear things are settling for you. I think my h is underestimating just how much he will miss the dc when he moves out, we have planned for him to have them fri & sat nights then one night for tea midweek. We are both 100% in agreement this needs to happen it's just I seem far more sad than him.

Shandy thank you for your kind words. Our separation has been about 10 years coming but it's still hitting me. I've booked into separation counselling at relate so I'll see how that goes.

Much love to everyone else. It's a very emotional, stressful time

I've clicked on this thread a few times but haven't wanted to face reality and post... Until now. Dh has been away since last week and I haven't really missed him. That's not good, right? :( I've missed the childcare sharing, and he's an amazing dad, but I haven't missed him as a partner.

We have no sex life to speak of, and that has always been an issue pre kids too. His issue initially but more lately I don't want to. I don't feel attractive or desired. But we have a lovely life and lovely young dc. I can't destroy that can I? Can't figure out how to name change but I think it's unlikely he'll check...

The summer holidays have been a weird combination of some lovely family days together, and times when I've been more certain than ever that I can't stand to be with him any longer. DS (7) has also commented that he prefers being with us one-on-one as when we're all together "it's all busy and arguey", and I've heard him hissing "be nice" and "be calm" at DH.

But financially we couldn't afford to live apart for six months yet. So when do I say it? I can't imagine how hellish it would be to live together having had that conversation. And obviously I have no idea at all how DH will react – I'm thinking it will be difficult but amicable, sorting things out and 50/50 custody etc, but who's to say how anyone would react when their spouse rips their life apart?

Hi all,
Just getting all the financial stuff (in detail) sorted before the court stuff goes in. STBEXH is doing my nut in. So much so, I'm taking myself up to bed when the wee one goes down and just staying upstairs. Its terrible, but I can't bear the tension, the sulks, having to sit watching some old shite he's watching. I keep thinking I should break the cycle but I feel safe tucked away upstairs reading my book.

Hi all & welcome to any newbies. This is a testing, trying time; I think personally that if you can say yes to the question "have you done all that you reasonably could to make it work" then it's pretty straightforward.

I know that as regards sex life. My exDH just didn't want to know, was lazy, inattentive & used it as a weapon to punish me. So fucking hurtful, demoralising & upsetting.. Anyway, I digress, I tried hard to make an effort, change my focus, dress up, seduce etc. Then I just stopped. Out of pride, shame. I don't know.

So I prob didn't do everything I could in that scenario. However there were plenty of other things that upset & broke me.

Question of balance I think.

Should also say that I have been having a casual relationship with someone for the past couple of months -- a really nice mum I knew from school gates. Began as coffee chat and mutual commiseration over divorce/separation (she split from her husband several years ago) and progressed from there. It's a little strange, as she is much further on in the process, but she is being patient with me and not rushing things (I am hesitant to plunge too fully into something new). But for now the companionship, the support, the intimacy and (yes) the sex is all really nice.

Ok this is nothing. And I've had a few small bottles of beer.
Asked 'DH' if he could set his alarm so he is not 'snoozing' from 5:45 until 6:15 when he gets up, has a really noisy fucking bath and slams the door 6:45.
Apparently I used to snooze all the time a while ago (when I used to do the early shift)
Is that some form of resentment or gas lighting?
No cuddles/ I love you.

No touch. Frustrated.

I have been reading this but things got quite nasty here so I'm struggling. Got another post about him stalking me

Hot. What are you talking about? Nasty, where I've not seen any nasty posts.
Hope you're ok, struggling here also.