Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

I'm way behind, quite hard to read all the posts & comment so will do tomorrow on the PC at work.

Things just the same here. He seems a bit more accepting. I'm taking on more hours at work for a while so I can work towards getting the house finished & debts settled so we can move on.

Can I ask a quick question for those who have told people you are splitting. My H told his family 2 weeks ago now. His sister text me. Nothing from his brother. I would have thought after 23 years his parents (they don't have mobiles or email) would have phoned or wrote? No?

I've heard nothing from his family. At all. 15 years - in.

He gets his dysfunctional attitude to relationships from them.

They're huffy quite often & pretty passive aggressive. His dad is spoiled rotten.

Otoh, my family have been the opposite. He's included in things in so far as what's best for the kids, without putting me out.

I know this scenario is for the best but I'm still hurting over the radio silence from the other side.

Hello all

Isa - dp thinks its an affair to but ditto my life goes seamlessly from work to sprogs & wifeworkery.

My MIL tried to ring one night. But i didnt feel able to speak to her at that point. I knew she would be very unhelpful^)/nasty/ toxic , she has form for this. I am also aware that she has been saying nasty things about me to my SD. The SIL and BIL haven't made a squeak. Im not surprised. One of the stressors upon us has bern toxic ILS and toxic exwife coupled with inability to address it & set boundaries.

Split 5 weeks today. Together for 10yrs

Can i ask has anyone else wavered a lot in their decision? This weekend I have felt sad, guilty, missing company.

Ended up having yet another row with dp who appeared in good/friendly spirits but got nasty as soon as i responded to his request to move back in. Went from wanting to be back with us to talk of his legal rights and custody battles. Awful. I feel sick to the pit if my stomach and think i should just get back together rather than destroy him.

I've waivered a few times over the years and given him chances but all its done is made me unhappier & unhappier and postponed the inevitable. This time there is no going back. Do what's right for you x

Hi. Hugs to all. Barnburnt as Hot said only go back because it's what you want not out of guilt.
And yes I am constantly wavering Althoigh not about leaving just when to do it. Even Christmas is looming now and last Christmas I vowed to sort it out this year as I couldn't go grouch another.
Why can't I just do it. I did do it beginning of last month but he guilted me into staying and I had nowhere to go. I'm getting closer to being able to go but I need to tell him before I go ahead and sign for anything. I've gone from being stressed in his company to bring stressed at all times even when he's not here because I know he'll be back. Spending any length of time together is really difficult.
Shall I go for it or wait until school now.

How is everyone?

Can I rant and I've ranted about this before and don't know if its just me?

There are so many threads on here about men leaving women (some but not all have another woman) and the general consensus seems to be them being told how awful the men are, how dare they leave, how dare they do this to the kids, break up a "happy family", that the woman should basically try to hit him from a financial point of view, use the kids as pawns almost over access, tell friends and family how awful they are. It makes me so so upset, going to have to stop reading them as do none of these woman responding realise how awful it is to be UNHAPPY, the pain you put yourself through to actually leave, that you would never do this to your kids without having thought of every alternative. How being unhappy is not just a feeling, it kills your confidence, self esteem, affects everything in your life. I want to comment on every post saying FFS is he not allowed to be unhappy? Rant over!

Hotwater. This is exactly how I feel! Why is the person who has the courage to make a change constantly villified. Why do we as a society view things in.such a dichotomous way i.e. martyr (as dp is) vs villian (as his family now think). None of this helps the person being left come to terms with any if it. I will have another rant later when I will let off steam about the nasty streak in my stbx. Watch this space.

Can I ask if I'm married does it matter that I don't pay the mortgage or am on the mortgage to us splitting the house 50:50 in a split. I have my old house that I pay a mortgage on, it's rented, does he have a claim on my house?
Just having a financial wobble and trying to get ducks in a row.
Wish me luck.

I'm guessing shandy but I would think that all assets should be split (as should all debt accrued)
Not how H and I are doing it but we don't intend to divorce for many years yet (due to cost) and we sold our house (with no profit at all fucking market crash!) so we don't have anything to split really other than the kids.
Most family lawyers offer 30 min session for free, book with a couple and get some advice CAB may be able to help too

Thanks VK. So all assets would mean splitting my house and our/ his house.

Hi all.
Trying to hang in there. It's been better but I am keeping a low profile.
Interesting article I thought: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/aug/23/divorce-new-rules-splitting-up-amicable-marriage-breakup

Yes I think so shandy but I am in no way qualified that's just the way I always thought it was. (Although I think if either of you owned property from before the relationship I'm not sure if that would be excluded)
In any case it would be best to speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law.

For those already on the other side of separation how did you decide who would have kids when?
H and I can't agree on this, he wants 2 overnights per week which I agree with so I feel that a Wed night into thurs morning then a Friday night into Saturday morning.
I already work a Friday all day and Saturday morning, whereas he doesn't work weekends at all. This allows him a midweek night as well as a weekend night, as well as giving me a weekend evening to see friends or in the future maybe even go on a date or 2.
H wants a Sunday night into Monday and Thursday into Friday, which I pointed out means that I will never get a night to myself at the weekend, as well as having to find a babysitter to fulfil Saturday working. His reasons for wanting these days are so that he can still attend all the football games he wants to (these include Tuesday and Wednesday night for champions league and alternate Saturday's and Sunday's for league games!
AIBU for thinking that surely his kids and I shouldn't have to work around fecking football games!
He gets the keys to his flat this weekend although he won't move into it until next week so we have 1 week to sort it and tell kids.

Well, mine demanded 2 nights a week. Quite vocally. Whenever he fancied.
So far, he has asked for her one night, called me the next morning to come and get her.
He has also emailed me to say he's not paying more than the minimum maintenance, about £130. Because he can't afford more and apparently he is having her 2-3 night a week. His hobby is twice as much a month and he pays no rent.
I'm not saying anything. I know just how incompetent he is. He'll expect me to sort it.
I'm not.

Wire that's such a shame! He sounds very much like my H everything seems to evolve around his needs/wants/hobbies and how he's feeling!
I've had another chat with him once kids are in bed and he's given me a list of the nights/days he will need to miss due to games and it's actually not too bad, so he will do the Wednesday and Saturday but may need to tweak it slightly those weeks which I'm sure I could manage to come and go with.
I just feel really hurt that the kids seem to be an afterthought and the main priority is the hobby.

Frankly, VK, it hasn't come as a surprise. He's always been like that. It's just that I am not tolerating it anymore. When we separated, I did my maths with zero imput/expectations from his part.
Hope it gets easier for you.

Hello all

Been off-grid for a bit trying to enjoy my holiday, which I mostly have.
I don't want to out myself so will be a bit vague.
Suffice to say, I'm now stronger than ever in my resolve to move towards initiating divorce.
He's admitted to the kids that he hasn't treated me well ( not sure what to make of that) but I don't real trust his motives.
He's neglectful, childish, obstinate about things that he's 'decided' despite gentle messages to the contrary, even from his children!

I could poke myself in the eye and kick myself from her to the North Pole for putting my kids in such a stressful situation. Yet, I genuinely see no alternative.

I wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a wee wife. Why the fuck he married me I'll never know. He told me early on I intimidated him. Since then he's done his utmost to put me in my place; rebalance his ego.

He sees my strengths as a mirror of his weaknesses iyswim? I can't be anything, good or bad, without it reflecting on him. Ahhhhh!

It's helping to write this down. I've been denied basic, intrinsic love, affection and respect by a spoiled man-child . I tried so hard, I didn't stand in the way of his hobbies, his job, his friendships.
Weirdly, neither did he, although that's because they were second fiddle to his, what with 3 kids etc. My heads like a plate of spaghetti swirling around inside.

Sorry for the essay... I needed to get it down. To help me remember. To help me be stronger. To love again too, I hope.

I'm not sure what to do either. I'm just sick of the arguing and feeling unhappy but can't seem to do it.
I still love him but not in love. I don't want to keep hurting him by arguing a lot. But the. Get angry at how he is making me feel too.
Had a silly argument last night that's carried into the morning. Trying to re decorate, he showed me something last night and I wasn't sure q first huff. He then said something else and I also said not sure so he got moody again. I flipped and gave up. He thinks I over react however I feel he is too moody over things. We were supposed to be discussing ideas yet if I say I'm. It sure on his he gets moody. Feel sick of it :(

My H is getting his keys to new flat today and expects to be moved out by next weekend.
We both agree it's what we both want but part of me still feels really sad about it all coming to an end.
I still haven't told DC we are going to tell them once his wee flat is sorted, we plan to tell them next Saturday morning then all go for lunch together and see his flat together (which will hopefully look kind of homely by then) I'm hoping that by us all going to see it together and DC knowing where he will be and where they will stay when they see him it might be easier for them to see. I also don't want them to be dressing about it for ages.
I think if they find out and then experience their "new normal" almost immediately then they may see that it's not so bad.
This could all be wishful thinking and may go terribly wrong though

VK- sounds really sensible of you both. Take heart in the fact that the kids being able to contextualise, for want of s better word, where their father is ; will be very helpful for them and subsequently you.
So far so good.

VK congrats. That sounds like a good plan.
I need some handholding please. I'm having a wobble. I was all for having a conversation again to say, no we've tried the family time over summer and making more effort , and it's not working. All along, well almost all, he's been crap, moody even nasty at times, but yesterday dh was being really nice and affectionate. I just think his timing is spot on, he seems to know when to give a little and it pulls me back from the brink, when I'm about to jump off into singledom.
I doubt it will last, but then I think should I try a bit more, but then I think I've been here for years and surely now enough is enough. I am scared that it will be harder and lonely with 3 dcs to look after on my own, but then my rational head says I can't stay just because of that and deny myself any happiness.
I find I appreciate dh being here to help with the dcs but then the minute they're ok I'd much prefer if he wasn't here and had gone out, stays out of the way etc. That sounds like I'm just using him for help with childcare doesn't it?

Shandybass, I'm in the same place as you right now I think, except with two children. I will write a little more later but it's a lonely place to be and I'm struggling.