Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Miss! How are you feeling? I'm glad he's accepted it, for your sake.

Be pretty firm with those dates if possible; if he's anything like my exDH he will be just as likely to 'forget' or bury head in sand.

Strength for the next few months. Me and exDH had to share a bed for the last 5 months. Not nice at all

Anyway you've been brave to face up to your difficulties and I wish you well xx

Hi

How are you doing with not drinking Up? Hope its going well. I've been through that and am on the other side and do feel so much better.

Shandy all you can do is take babysteps, one little thing at a time. I started by looking at finances etc myself. It helped to have a little bit of a plan.

Well done Miss, its a relief isn't it.

How is everyone else?

I had a bit of an awful weekend. I met a friend on Saturday. I have to admit to going out at 9am and coming back at 9pm. Yes met my friend but also sat with a cuppa, did some work stuff etc to avoid going home. This ended up in a huge argument on Sunday because I did not check in and disappeared and he said I was hiding something. So I had to admit to staying out deliberately and that I felt suffocated at home etc. He took it badly. Things got a bit better. Sent him an article I found about living together whilst separated and about boundaries and how we cant still act as though married. This is bloody tough.

I can see this is not going to be as easy as I hoped last night. He's obviously had time to stew on things today as very off towards me tonight... when he was the one last night saying he wanted it to be a 'good' last few months to make things easier . I plan to start pushing things around November time so that once Xmas is out of the way a plan is already underway. New year, new start and all that. Haven't work my rings for last 2 days. I know he has noticed and it must be a stab every time he sees but feels so hypocritical to still wear them and I need to keep reminding him that nothing is going to change.

apint we are still sharing a bed and bizarrely cuddled up as we went to sleep last night. Had been a very emotionally draining evening and think we just needed some familiarity and comfort rather than anything else.

Feels like we've moved over a massive hurdle getting to this point but I know there are still many many more to come still

I'm so pleased for you miss. Well done and hold on to that feeling of relief. I'm still picturing it, doing the avoiding game,hardly seeing him and it's so much easier than the holidays and the trying business.
My steps are coming slowly but we haven't talked about our situation since beginning of July.
Strength, bravery, where is it??

Hi everyone down the trenches
It's back and forth isn't it... Interesting developments for you missy - sounds like the beginning at least of something hopeful

hot would you have a link for that article about separated/living under one roof? I think I'll start telling people at work soon. I mean, why not.
I'm still a booze-free zone, which is big news for me. 10 days now. That's 10 bottles of wine I haven't drunk!! Feeling some clarity now, or beginning to. I hope I can hold on. My work is very social so that's going to be difficult but I must remember that alcohol is just bad news for me.

I'm also coming to try to get my head around the idea that I might be single for the rest of my life. Must admit, I find that very problematic. When I scratch the surface I find myself quite resentful that I don't have a happy marriage. I'm angry at myself for choosing badly. And now my ships have sailed. I'm holding up well physically but I am struggling with getting older. It's as though the scales are falling from my eyes, I'm starting to realise I've been living in cloud-cuckoo land for fucking years, and the future looks quite scary.
BUT I'm brave, and stubborn. And fuck it I'm going to push through this.

Sometimes, shandy there's not a lot to say. All the arguments have been had. I never fight with my husband. There's nothing to fight over. We both know that if a windfall dropped from the heavens, that would be it, over and out.
Last time we talked, I mentioned mediation might be something we'd look at. He agreed largely. I'd just like to get something, anything, formalised. And soon.

Up ..I love your post
I feel very similar eg resentful that have chosen wrong. But prior to this split my jealousy at every situation with more 'normal' couples when I felt so apone has magically dissipated.

Don't assume its singledom forever. How old are you? Am only just on.the roght sode of 40. This was one of the many things that prompted me to..not a midlife crisis...a realisation.that i was hitting 40 and would hve to mark it with the wrong person. Depressing. I'll be happy to be 40 and single

Well done miss , I am 5 weeks ahead of you. Its v up and down.

I still miss his cuddles but I think ant cuddles would give him false hope.

I thought I'd come and update: exactly a month ago I moved out with DD.
The relief is unbelievable.
He's still trying to control me through our DD and it has been unpleasant at times, but nothing like it used to be!
I can now close the door to my home and enjoy my life :)

Brilliant news 8 fencing!

We're at the same stage but dp is on demial
Repeatedly texting me for answers. Seemingly my reasons for leaving are insufficient to him. He keeps telling i am punishing him and he is losing everything. This from the man who would routinely threaten to leave me every time we fell out. This from.the man who routinely disrespected and ignored the very basic needs I articulated to him.

Once he starts to process i hope it gets easier!

I caught up with an old friend today. She has recently split from her dp. It was refreshing and reassuring hearing her talk about how much easier it is being a single parent than to try to parent with a partner who is unsupportive, unhelpful etc. She has been a single parent most of her child's life, so doesn't say this lightly!

I feel happy with the trajectory I'm on, which will see my relationship end in the quite near future. It's not going to be pleasant or easy, but better in the long run.

I'm seeing the trajectory getting closer, and in some ways it makes me so relieved, but in some ways terrified. How do I begin to explain to DS (7) that we're splitting apart his home and family because I'm "not happy"? There's no abuse, no screaming matches – I can just see him begging us not to do it and not knowing what to say to him

Haven't even had the talk with DH yet so no idea how things are really going to shake down. But all the time we spend together in the holidays just makes me more sure of my decision.

Hi everyone,
It's my wedding anniversary today, H and I have now been married for 9 years. Neither of us has mentioned it at all. I've been having a bit of a wobble about the whole situation lately and feeling a bit down in general although that could be down to AF this week.
Still haven't told DC and dreading it!
Up well done on staying away from drink, I hope it's helping you gain some clarity.
Miss glad to hear he's accepting what you want, as others have said it seems to be a theme that they are prone to putting heads back in the sand, I hope you're now past that too, it took me 4 years to get to the point where H accepted that we need to split, and I feel like I've gradually lost more and more of myself as those years went on.
My worries at the moment are around money, I'm staying in the family home and my outgoings are going to be ridiculously high! I think I can just make ends meet but it will be very hard and my budget won't stretch very far at times of birthday/Xmas etc. I think it will take me several years now to pay off my debt before I can start to save for a deposit for a house (I'm secretly hoping I can save a deposit in the next 3 years and maybe my LL will be open to selling to me as I love my current house/street)
Sorry to anyone I've missed but as I read on the app it's hard to flick back and forth and remember who said what.

Hi. Great to hear from some graduates. Well done.
VK I feel you're pain, I hate landmarks as it just brings home to me the waste of life when life is precious and you never know what's round the corner.
Well done up on your abstinence. Keep it up it will give you strength.
Barn nice to hear from you and your friend.
One day I'll be there. I think.

Hi all. Hope you don't mind me joining you. I posted back in April on the last thread about how loveless my marriage was. Well its finally come to a head, I cannot sustain the facade any longer. Have spoken with h about it and he agrees. Theres no rowing, no abuse, no shouting just a deep lack of emotion for one another. I feel really sad for the dc aged 11 & 13 and am absolutely dreading telling them as i know they will be gutted, yet i know we need to do it (as we should have done years ago its been 16 years of trying ffs) and now before the dc get any older.

The most telling thing is that h doesnt seem in the least bit upset, obviously he is for the kids but not at the prospect of the loss of his marriage. Maybe this is a good thing as there will be less hurt all round. We fully intend to be as amicable as is humanly possible in these situations but i know its going to be hard. His plan is to move out and rent nearby and me stay with the dc in our house.

I am going from relieved to feeling sick to devastated to worrying like mad about money. I can hardly sleep and eat. We have no firm plans of dates yet as there are a few big things happening next month but i just wanted a hand to hold really.

Thanks for listening.

I'd give a lot to be in your shoes Honey. You have the prospect of your own front door.
Feeling very low today. Heartsick over the end of a lovely thing I had with a very unsuitable younger guy.

Dreading this evening. Just dreading it. Have never felt more hitting the bottle. I fucking hate my life right now. The thoughts of looking at h schlepping around the house. The non-conversations. Eating at different times. I feel so bitter and angry and lonely and lost.
Friday. Ha. I wish it were Monday.

Sorry for the rant :(

Up and Honey handholding. I feel like we're all crouched facing a horrible storm which we will survive but is tougher than tough.
I wish like up said I was at your stage honey but also I would be sick and can imagine unable to eat or sleep. Hugs all round.

Thanks very much both. The problem is the h hasn't yet looked at rentals & I don't think he realises how much it'll cost him. I have suggested selling the house & splitting the equity but he has said no to this at the moment. It's very early days though & he is acting like there's not a jot wrong (I can't figure out if this is good or bad but he has an amazing ability to stick his head in the sand whereas I'm an over thinker) . I have an appointment on Monday with the bank to discuss the mortgage I'm doing shit loads of overtime at work to get some cash together.

I have a counselling session by myself on Monday but h doesn't want to go as he feels it's pointless. I need to talk to somebody as I have few friends & although I've confided in my lovely dm I realise it's hard for her to be objective. It's great to just get it all out here & know there are others in the same boat

So much of this resonates. Have been away for a couple of weeks so just catching up
Have been tellign STBXH that its over for 8 months with the solicitors letters to go with it. He knew I was going to be away for 2 weeks in a hired campervan but still thought he'd maybe be coming too.
I think he might be starting to get it but I was bloody scared just before we went away - he was screaming, tearing his hair out, bashing his head against the wooden bannister when we had another totally circular argument. He seems convinced I;m having an affair even though I'm either a) at work or b) with my sprog.
Still leaving in the same house and its a grind. Olympics is helping but he's back to pretending all is fine.
Hotwaterbottle could you linky or send directions to the article about living in the same house but apart? Ta

Hey gang. Got through last night without drinking. Somehow. I really and truly don't know how, but feel a surge of gladness that I did it. My lovely sister talked me through it even though she's eleventy million months pregnant. Poor thing.
Gonna keep busy today.

I so wish he'd just FUCK OFF. He's always here. Always.
Deep breaths. Deeeeeep breaths.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3375154

Will post soon x

Hi all. Challenging times right now. So flipping arduous, trying to second-guess what they'll do next.

I wonder if it's blackmail of a kind? Keeps us dancing to their tune, at least for a while.

As each day passes, it's a day closer to freedom. I keep reminding myself, otherwise I'd be insane again.

Interesting -thank you. I really should have had a chat with DH last night but the wean is poorly so I knew I was facing a crappy night's sleep and I'm working today. I decided my mental health was more important but maybe I should have bitten the bullet. However, its always been a circular argument, never about going forward, always about how little I have done for him, not a proper wife and I;ve heard it enough. I suppose that's what I need to say every time!
UpyerGansey its probably little help but a tip I'd read here for those trying to not drink or cut down is to make homemade lemonade to drink - bbc good food have a good one where you put lemons and sugar into a procesor . Its sharp but also sugary and having something "special" to drink with ice and topped up with tonic makes your hand seem a lot less empty. I hat diet drinks, plain water seems bleh, only so much lime and soda you can drink but that has really helped me in the days when I'm oncall for work so can't but feels very empty...

Hi Isa hope your smallie is feeling better? Thanks for lemonade tip! I will be going to get in some nice AF drinks this week. Only so much peppermint tea I can do - and the sugar cravings are real!
hot hope you're ok? Thanks for the huff post link.
Will save and send to h.
Hang in there everyone