I have a girl crush that is starting to be a bit of an obsession

[whatnoww]

I fancy a new female friend, a lot. We have started spending time together along with my DH and other friends (in a group) and the more time we spend together the more I like her. She has had long term relationships with men but I have herd from others that she had a long term relationship with a woman in her 20s.

My DH jokes that she 'fancies' me but if anything it's the other way around. DH and I are very open with each other and I've told him that I 'like' her. I don't think he would mind if i wanted to explore that side of my sexuality but I didn't even know it existed! I have never had feelings for a woman before, no experimenting when I was a teenager etc so I don't know where this has came from.

I actually dreamt about her last night what is happening to me?

Not even sure what I am asking. Would I be mad to let things develop (we are becoming close, texting most days meeting up etc) and there is something between us. When the wine flows things become a bit weird.

Any wise mumsnetters out there with any advice? Or been in a similar situation?

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks if you got this far.

[gingerbreadmanm]

how does your friend feel?

it's good that your dh wants to make it work but i guess for that to happen you will nee to drop your friend (unless your dh is ok with it)

[whatnoww]

She doesn't want me as I am married which is very sensible. She does however still want to be friends and says if things were different and you were single, a lot.

DH would be ok with it in pretty sure but she wouldn't

[fusionconfusion]

I have been in this heady place earlier this year. I had been attracted to women and actually assumed I was a lesbian until I met dh, but then that relationship became my life and I assumed it had been just a phase - then I met a woman that just blew me away, the infatuation was just incredibly intense. I found it all quite upsetting because I knew I DIDN'T want to just have my cake and eat it, in fact my sensible self didn't want it at all, but I was shocked by the intensity and strength of desire for this woman. I also knew I wouldn't cheat on him..

But you know I think people are harsh when they say gender is irrelevant. We haven't traditionally lived in a very homofriendly society and if you didn't meet someone who you truly desired early in life the chances are you will have bought all the stereotypes that any attractions weren't "real" or were "a phase" that "everyone has" and buried it without even knowing that's what you were doing.

In other words, you may actually be a lesbian. The same is never true when it's someone thinking of being with a man... and the suppression of desire makes it increase on the cognitive level e.g. the more you try not to be attracted to someone/think about them sexually the more you will and the effect of this is much much stronger if you've been suppressing that desire for same sex love your whole life..

I am not going to do anything with my attraction because I really do care about dh and my family and I don't want to invite the hurt. But this means I have to accept the pain and discomfort of longing for intimacy with this particular woman, knowing it is possible and knowing I'm not going to go there. And yes, that could happen between a woman and a man, but they wouldn't then have the added recognition that they had made choices in life that weren't exactly free.

I believe if I had been a teenager now I would almost certainly have been a lesbian because I would have had more language for it. I didn't even understand that was a possibility until I was in my late teens and then I knew absolutely nobody who had so much as kissed a girl. That changes the whole development of your sexual identity if there's any attraction to men there at all. I just ignored it. I heard the mermaids singing each to each but I did not think they would sing to me. And I have experienced a lot of longing in my life for a different way... but it would be incompatible with my values for my family to pursue a relationship with a woman now. And there it is. We don't always get what we want in life.

[fusionconfusion]

Sorry x post

Well you are at a choice point now.

You can be with this woman but not with your husband. That's the crux of it. So who are you? And what matters most to you?

[DrMorbius]

Yes something has happened (which was amazing) I was honest with DH in as much as I told him exactly where I was and who I was with all night

Hold on, so you spent the night with someone else, while obsessing over this woman!!!! I feel for your DH, you sound like a car crash. Leave your DH and fix your life.

[whatnoww]

Dr - i spent the night with the woman I was obsessing about, something which I had discussed in the past with my DH and he was ok with. But now he doesn't know as we have hit a mountain bump in the road and arnt really talking much.

[wherearemymarbles]

Seems to be a lot of unrelated mess. So dh is probably fine with the other woman but not your mistake?

On the basis your friend isnt interested as you are married then its either or. Of course hell of a lot easier to say than do.

Cant be much fun for you. Anyway of getting away by your self for a few days?

[fusionconfusion]

To be honest OP I think anytime a partner says they are fine with you sleeping with someone else when you already have other issues and don't have an open marriage predating this, there's trouble afoot. I doubt this is your mess alone.

[ladybagpuss]

I agree so much with fusionconfusion. It worked out differently for me but absolutely to your points. I know so many women (and men) who say if they'd been young today, their life would have taken a different path.

OP, your head must be spinning with it all. Do you think it's just this woman or are you attracted to other women too? Because I know people who have said they're definitely apart from If it's a wider issue of being attracted to women, then that adds another dimension, because it's likely that this issue will come up for you again, even when it's not about this particular woman.

Do you think you and DH can talk this weekend? I hope there are positive developments for you both.

[ladybagpuss]

^^ xpost with fusionconfusion - my response re agreeing there was re the post at 15.27, not the one immediately before.

[whatnoww]

Marbles - yeah that's pretty much it. DH wants me, she doesn't want me if i have a DH and I have no idea if she would if i didn't have one as I can't exactly ask her!

Also it's not fair to leave one relationship and jump straight into another. If that was even an option. Then there's everything else to think about!

I don't even know what I want myself. I never dreamed any I this would happen to me. I'm boring and this is worse than a soap opera.

I need some time alone but I never get it, heads a mess :/

[whatnoww]

I don't know if it's just this woman. It is at the moment. I can't see myself falling for anyone else but I thought that before. I wish knew.

All I know if whatever I do people are going to get hurt

[proseccowithastraw]

Ah, so exactly as I and several others had predicted it would turn out.

Good luck. I hope the hurt is minimal.

[whatnoww]

April it is a completely different issue yeah. Believe it or not. He is talking to me we are just not 100% if that makes sense, we have a lot to deal with so one minute we are fine and the next hes (understandably) angry.

[ladybagpuss]

That's very true, people will get hurt, it's inevitable in any situation like this and that's the hardest part.

Have you spoken to anyone IRL about it? It sounds like your thoughts are running 1000 miles per hour, which is to be expected of course, but I just wondered do you know anyone you can just sit down with, breath, and talk it through? Perhaps that would help.

[whatnoww]

Prosecco - yep you were all right, pretty much 100% right so far.

[whatnoww]

Lady - I sort of do but I'm struggling finding the time. I need to spend time with DH. I need to sort other shit out and all i really want to do is go to sleep, I am constantly tired.

[whatnoww]

Fusion - thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you have been through that realisation without ever having the chance to explore your feelings freely.

Believe it or not I do care obout DH. I love him I really do, even now when things are messy, I can't imagine life without him. That sounds like I'm talking crap after everything that has happened but that's how I feel.

I like to think I am relatively young but even when I was growing up there was a lot less acceptance of same sex relationships.

[WuTangFlan]

Are the two issues entirely unrelated? You say your DH is pretty chilled, and yet you didn't tell him about the "mistake" when it happened, and he's pretty angry about it now.

So you knew he'd be angry if he found out... and you're not proud of yourself for the mistake by the sound of it, which has got to knock your self-esteem. But the relationship with the woman is/was "pristine" and safe as she didn't know/couldn't find anything out about you which would hurt her or damage your image in her eyes... so by fixating on that relationship you have a distraction from the "mistake" and a reflected version of yourself which is likeable, fun and nice - a prop to the self-esteem that she thinks you're interesting and someone she wants to lavish her lavish time/attention on. I'm not saying this is something you have consciously done, just that perhaps the two things are related.

[whatnoww]

They could well be related wuTang. Not conciously tho, DH is very chilled but yeah I did something that I knew would upset him a lot. I'm not sure why I did it at all.

I have told her what I have done tho. I didn't have to, she would never have found out but I told her anyway. I thought she would hate me but she doesn't.

I sometimes feel like I am trying to subconsciously destroy my own life.

[WuTangFlan]

Do you have self-esteem issues? It sounds a bit like you're bent on testing relationships to destruction (to prove a point to your subconscious self that you're unlikeable? Which you're clearly not.) But there's something going on there. Would counselling help, do you think? Has anything happened recently which might have triggered the "mistake"?

[ladybagpuss]

It sounds like subconsciously there's lots going on. I agree with Wu about seeing or speaking to a therapist because it sounds like you need to work through your feelings? There's a directory of LGBT therapists called the pink directory, and there's bisexual therapists in that too.

[whatnoww]

Thanks Wu and Lady. you are both probably right. I have been reffered to a counsellor in the past but had one session and she left and I never went back. This was after death's in the family.

I tick along ok usually but this is really messing with my head. I cant think of anything specific at the moment that triggered it. That's what DH keeps asking

[fusionconfusion]

This is something I found helpful OP:

www.brainpickings.org/2015/10/05/adam-phillips-missing-out-frustration-love/

And I had psychotherapy this year (private) to help me dig deeper into it. Definitely the woman I fell for is this for me - she just encapsulates a lot of qualities I long for in myself and in my life.. and I think that's the power of it. And once my dh did too. And all of this is very human and can be very painful.

I hope you can make good choices for you in all of this.