I have a girl crush that is starting to be a bit of an obsession

[whatnoww]

I fancy a new female friend, a lot. We have started spending time together along with my DH and other friends (in a group) and the more time we spend together the more I like her. She has had long term relationships with men but I have herd from others that she had a long term relationship with a woman in her 20s.

My DH jokes that she 'fancies' me but if anything it's the other way around. DH and I are very open with each other and I've told him that I 'like' her. I don't think he would mind if i wanted to explore that side of my sexuality but I didn't even know it existed! I have never had feelings for a woman before, no experimenting when I was a teenager etc so I don't know where this has came from.

I actually dreamt about her last night what is happening to me?

Not even sure what I am asking. Would I be mad to let things develop (we are becoming close, texting most days meeting up etc) and there is something between us. When the wine flows things become a bit weird.

Any wise mumsnetters out there with any advice? Or been in a similar situation?

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks if you got this far.

[proseccowithastraw]

OP it sounds like you know what to do. It really does sound like it will get messy.

My situation was different. I was in a very unhappy relationship when I developed feelings for another woman. It gave me the push to leave, but had I been happy with my ex and he gave me permission to explore my feelings with her, as he would assume it would just be sexual, it would have ended very badly because I fell very fast for my now gf. I would have been in love with two people and hurting two people. Not good.

I completely understand your curiosity (obviously!) and lets be honest, excitement, but you need to put on your boring sensible hat on. In fact, you need to superglue it on

[whatnoww]

I know what I need to do. But I really really don't want to do that. I want to have my cake and eat it so to speak.

I think I have lost my mind. I am sensible, straight and boring! What on earth is happening

[Writerwannabe83]

I think you should ask your husband outright if he'd mind you pursuing things with this woman.

It sounds like he's making jokes about it so maybe you need to just hit him with the question and get a straight answer.

That will give you a starting point to work on.

[whatnoww]

Writer - I very nearly did that last night. I could ask him now. He's sat next to me, but if i say it out loud then that makes it even more real.

I'm like a teenage girl, checking my phone every 5 minutes today incase she texts. Not sure quite how I got here!

[Writerwannabe83]

It must be so difficult.

I was lucky in my situation as I was the single one and so the relationship between my ex and his gf was not my concern. I was free to just act as I wanted whereas they had to deal with all the issues it caused.

I often do wonder how she first broached it to her partner that she fancied me

We used the kinky idea of a 3some to kind of justify what we were doing whereas in reality I had no interest in having sex with the guy and her involvement was because she was attracted to me, not because she wanted to please her bf by acting out a fantasy of his. I think we let him believe that both of us were behaving the way we were because it pleased/excited him when in reality neither of us really cared about how he fitted in to our little set-up, he was insignificant to it all really in our eyes.

When she and I started meeting up without him I think that's when he realised that she and I were in it for our own interests, not because we liked the idea of a 3some with him. I think his ego took a bit of a bashing there.

Maybe that's something to think about...

If your DH gave his permission for you to pursue it because he thought it meant a kinky 3some for him, ask yourself whether you actually want him playing a role in your experimentation or whether it's something you just want to do for yourself.

[whatnoww]

Yeah if i was single it would be a no brainer! I really don't think he would want to get involved to be honest, he would just want details afterwards He has said in the past he fantasizes about me with other man then coming home to him so I see no reason that this wouldn't be similar in his eyes.

I really do want to persue this! I'm going to have to man up and ask him what he thinks. We have a good relationship so I'm not scared of his reaction, if he's not into it he will let me know. Then I could push a little with her and see how that worked out.

[OnTheBr1nk]

If you wanted to test his thoughts on the matter, just pretend you had a sexual dream about her, and describe the dream to him -- kind of a cowardly approach, in one way, but at least it will give you a sense of how he might react, if that is in any doubt.

[whatnoww]

That's an amazing idea! I could do that, I have strange dreams all the time and I tell him about them so that could work. I'm gonna go for it. Soon, hopefully. I'm nervous haha.

[wherearemymarbles]

Fantasy and reality are not always the same.

How would you feel if he wanted to have sex with a man?

[wherearemymarbles]

Also he probably needs to know quite how smitten you are with this person.

[whatnoww]

I jibbed out a bit I mentioned it then back tracked like hell when he said that she fancies me. This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I think I might have to wait untill a little alcohol has been had. I actually said I am not a lesbian and got a bit defensive. Why can't I say what I feel?

If he wanted to have just sex with a man I think I could live with that. Knowing he felt the way I do about another man would be a different story tho.

[MotherOfDragons27]

How are things OP?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Be careful. I knew my ex was bi/bi curious, but he said it was me he wanted and loved and could put his gay side away for our relationship. I was very cool about it (while he loved me) and said I'd accept it if he wanted to explore that side of his sexuality (probably because I felt secure that he wouldn't. Because he was besotted with me). When it all broke down and he wanted to go off and 'explore', I was utterly devastated. All that 'being cool' was fine as long as it had been fantasy (and even a bit exciting). When it became real, and he wanted me to stay his best friend and hold his hand when he went out to meet men...uh uh. No way. So be careful that your husband isn't just saying it would be fun because he thinks he's secure in your love and it's just fantasy talking. People could get really, really hurt.

[whatnoww]

Sorry for the disappearing act. I've been trying to step away from the situation and concentrate on other things. It isn't really working!

We have been chatting a bit via text and I have tried to keep things reasonably light, I know this is all a car crash waiting to happen so i have been on my best behaviour. Saw her today briefly and my feelings are still the same.

I spoke to a family member the other day (wine may have been consumed) who didn't tell me to stop being stupid, think about all the what it's etc. She basically just said well you fall.for who you fall for.

I'm pretty much in the same situation. I was hoping I would have gotten over it by now.

[CherryPicking]

If you and your dh can agree on an open marriage then great - no need to start using antiquated terms like 'cuckold' just because some on MN tell you you should feel ashamed. Plenty of people do have open relationship s and it works out for them. The main thing is just to make sure everyone is beinh honest about how they feel.

[nagsandovalballs]

I play rugby so a lot of my good friends are bi or gay. However, what has happened a lot over the years is that we have an 'officially' straight girl join the team and within 6 months to a year, she leaves her dh or boyfriend for a woman. It is quite common and some people handle it better than others.

also, Some stay out and in relationships, others experiment and then decide they are straight or bi. Then there are a couple of marrieds who experiment on the side on tour.

I have learned female sexuality is complicated and nuanced and, if circumstances are handled wrongly, can cause a lot of hurt to people caught in the wake.

[whatnoww]

Thanks Cherry. I really do think it could be a realistic option, at least I hope it could be. That would be my idea of perfect.

Nags - interesting to hear that. Maybe Rugby should be mu new hobby Untill a few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed how complicated it could me but now I agree 100% .

We have a girld a night out arranged in a couple.of weeks. I'm looking forward to it far too much! I've got it bad

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

You're married. You vowed not to have sex with other people. I doubt you specified the sex of those other people.

Why don't marriage vows mean anything to anyone anymore? It's really sad.

Your DH sounds like a doormat, TBH, and your family friend sounds completely cavalier. Was that friend at your wedding?

Stop seeing this woman, concentrate on your DH, and give yourself a virtual slap. If you want a free rein to pursue other relationships, get divorced.

[ladybagpuss]

I know lots of women who have been in similar situations. Many are in open relationships or H just 'turns a blind eye' once in a while - for example, OKCupid has lots of women in this scenario. My friend (no, not me, genuinely a friend!) dates married couples, both the husband and the wife. There's more than one way to live in this world I guess!

If your H knows about it, then it's not cheating as in you're doing it behind his back, but it doesn't mean it won't have further ramifications, so you need to think those through obviously. For some people a more open relationship can work, but it needs a strong base because a shaky relationship won't last under the inevitable pressures, and also you need to admit and accept that the heart knows no bounds, and with that comes risk. I disagree with others that say it doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman, it really does, because women are an unknown to you. Connections between women can be so very strong, both sexually and emotionally, it can be very different to being with a man. Not saying either is better, just that of course there can be qualitative differences.

That doesn't mean it's not right for you though in making either decision here...life evolves and sexuality can too, and I personally think it's ok to work through these moments, but it's about finding a way to negotiate that with love and integrity and honesty for your H and anyone else that is involved.

[whatnoww]

What's - in an ideal world you are exactly right and that's what I have been trying to do (step away concentrate on what I have etc). It just wasn't that easy and if I'm honest I want this woman in my life one way or another. I'm being selfish I know but it isn't stopping me.

Friend wasn't at the wedding but knows DH and they get on well. I'm not sure what he has done to make him a doormat but that's your opinion and you are entitled to it. We have a good relationship, talk about everything, laugh, good sex etc etc. If I stopped being soft and spoke to him about it it would result in a conversation wherre he would tell me how he felt about it and I would accept what he said. I just can't seem to get the conversation started.

Last - this thread has suprised me as far as everyone seems to know someone who has been in a situation! It feels very different as it is a woman. I feel attraction to men in a superficial level but this is so different.

[LadyCallandraDaviot]

So, are you not getting the conversation started because you are scared of what he will say? As you said you will accept what he says.

Which answer are you scared of - 'no, it's OK to joke about these things, but I don't want my wife to sleep with anyone else'

or 'wow, that sounds great, go for it, and tell me all about it when you get back'

OR, like writerwannabe is it the thrill of the chase, and the idea of being 'naughty' that appeals to you?

[whatnoww]

Lady - I think its a bit of everything. if i mention it seriously and he says no way then I will cut contact as much as possible and that will be that. I don't think he would say that but if he did then there's my answer.

If he said go for it then I would be honest with her and see how that conversation went.

I think.I haven't brought it up as if i do then it will be really real. I can't take it back once we have discussed it properly. I was drunk when I spoke with family so can be easily forgotten.

He knows there's something between us he is forever making comments about it, he says she fancies me and I get a bit shy when he says that!

I really need to sort my shit out. Talking to you lot is helpful so thank you all for your comments.

[ladybagpuss]

I think if you're saying those things, then you need to really consider this rather than run away from it...I understand people saying oh just concentrate on your marriage, but it's not that simple in reality when as human beings our feelings are complex. Perhaps this is 'just' a girl crush, perhaps it's not, but repressing feelings doesn't normally work out well long-term, for anyone involved in the equation.

Life doesn't come with guarantees, you're not being selfish just by being human - I imagine if someone asked you do you want to feel this way you would say no, but you do, so you have to deal with the situation.

Perhaps you could talk to H about it in a gentle way - reassure him you love him but you have been thinking about her, you don't know why you feel this way exactly but it's happening. It may also help you to ring the LGBT Switchboard or find a helpful website to talk to someone or read about other people's experiences. Remember, this doesn't have to mean anything more than it's a simple little crush, and loads of people have those and it'll be over in a week, but also it may mean more. Only you and H can decide how to navigate the situation in a way that's best for you both.

[RivieraKid]

I'm being selfish I know but it isn't stopping me.

It sounds very much like you want to have a relationship with this woman, and you're afraid to get your husband's consent to an open marriage or equally afraid he'll tell you where to shove it. Only you and your DH can figure out how to handle this together. But remember that Whats isn't just right 'in an ideal world' - if your marriage is not open, they are just right full stop.

[alphabook]

I find it odd that no one on this thread has considered the other woman's feelings. Unless she's polygamous herself, I highly doubt she just wants to be a married woman's bit on the side. How would you feel if you started an open relationship with her and she wanted to also be with someone else?

You've already said that your feelings for her are more than sexual. Would your DH really be ok with you falling in love with someone else? I just can't see how this can have any kind of happy ending.