I have a girl crush that is starting to be a bit of an obsession

[whatnoww]

I fancy a new female friend, a lot. We have started spending time together along with my DH and other friends (in a group) and the more time we spend together the more I like her. She has had long term relationships with men but I have herd from others that she had a long term relationship with a woman in her 20s.

My DH jokes that she 'fancies' me but if anything it's the other way around. DH and I are very open with each other and I've told him that I 'like' her. I don't think he would mind if i wanted to explore that side of my sexuality but I didn't even know it existed! I have never had feelings for a woman before, no experimenting when I was a teenager etc so I don't know where this has came from.

I actually dreamt about her last night what is happening to me?

Not even sure what I am asking. Would I be mad to let things develop (we are becoming close, texting most days meeting up etc) and there is something between us. When the wine flows things become a bit weird.

Any wise mumsnetters out there with any advice? Or been in a similar situation?

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks if you got this far.

[proseccowithastraw]

Homophobic is maybe strong, but it is insulting. The only reason your dp would be ok with it is because there would be no penis involved and so, there's no threat

It's incredibly naive, because if you're fantasising about a woman, well..you want a woman and so why isn't she a potential threat? You might still want your husband, but if he thinks a woman is no match for a man, he's WRONG. For a woman who's sexually attracted to women, that is.

[Bear2014]

I agree that homophobic is a bit strong but it does imply you put less meaning and implication into a same-sex fling. But if you are bi-curious rather than bisexual, it does genuinely have less meaning. My girlfriend hilariously calls this 'lesbian tourism'.

[proseccowithastraw]

Yes, but I suppose you always start off as "curious". I think most women who start out curious, don't tend to stay curious. If it has less meaning because you're not as attracted to women as you are to men, then why bother exploring? (if you're in a relationship that is) so if you really want to explore your curiosity, Imo it certainly has as much meaning.

[ladybagpuss]

I think from her previous posts the OP realizes this does have meaning - in fact she sounds to me like someone who has been hit by the shock and intensity of these feelings for another woman and what this might mean.

And you can hear that she's trying to do the right thing, even though she doesn't know what that is yet because she doesn't have the answers. That's ok, people evolve through life. She is talking to her DH honestly about it, and his attitude before about being ok with her being with another guy, does suggest his parameters around sex are less rigid than other people's are, so that's not straight forward either. So there's a whole lot of layers to this.

[rumred]

So if op was mulling over sex with a man, responses would be the same? I see it's complex but I also see a downgrading of gay relationships. You'd struggle to find people here being as accepting of a desire for an affair with a man. And op, you sound to me like you want an affair with your husband's blessing, as it's only a woman so not threatening to him.
Anyway. Good luck op. I hope you sort this without any damage to anyone

[proseccowithastraw]

rum, basically, yeah.

[whatnoww]

Apart from the fact that I've never been attracted to or had any sexual contact with a woman before, I cantbsee the fact that is is a woman makes a difference? The way I feel is the way I feel. I've discussed that with DH and we have come to an agreement of sorts.

I don't know if dh reaction would be different if it was a man. Hes pretty chilled like I've said before.

Thanks Lady, I am trying to do the right thing. This is new for me but if DH is ok with it and I really want it then why not at least (carefully) give it a go and see what happens.

[proseccowithastraw]

what, look, you're an adult, you will do what you want to do, but if feelings are already there "seeing what happens" could be devastating for all involved.

Believe me, I understand. I really do and I think you've already made your mind up, so there's not much point in me or anyone trying to persuade you not to, but I will say I'll be very surprised if this ends well. I'm not sure you'd have ever asked your dh for permission to have sex with another man, just because he's not your usual type and so is "new to you", would you?

This really is no different. It really isn't.

[whatnoww]

I can't really think of a happy ending prosecco! She probably isn't even interested. I know I am doing something I probably shouldn't and I'm usually pretty sensible but this is out of control.

By this time tomorrow I will probably know one way or another. If I didn't feel so strongly id be running for the hills. I really really like her. I am pathetic I know but I can't help the way I feel.

Maybe if it was a man the situation would be different, I really don't know. I've said before that DH loves the idea of me being with someone else but that is just a sex thing. If there was feelings involved and it was a man then maybe DH would say no way, I really don't have the answers. I'm not sure any of that makes me or DH homophobic or think less of same sex relationships etc tho.

[RivieraKid]

I think it's because you appear to be painting it as though being 'a sex thing' with a man or a woman would be fine, but your DH would only be unhappy if it moved onto an emotional level with a man. You say you really, really like her, that you check your phone like a teenager. This isn't just physical, and if he (or you) see that as less threatening to your marriage than checking your phone like a teenager over another man then yes your view of same-sex relationships might be a little off.

[Messedup1234]

PM'd you.

[ThisIsTheRightTime]

I've PM'd you too!

[whatnoww]

Thanks for the pms people. Things have progressed a lot since last time I updated. Everyone that said it would be very messy was 100% correct. Woman or man I'm in pretty deep here and I feel so shit about it. I'm married ffs.

Today is not a good day

[Muddlewitch]

Have you talked more with DH?

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh gosh do you want to share?

[whatnoww]

I'm in way over my head. To all the people that said it would end in tears and a mess you were all right. I'm in too deep, I have pretty much fell for her and my marriage is on the rocks due to a completely unrelated issue so I can't really confide in DH.

I have no idea what I want or even if I could have it. Me and DH are just about on talking terms and me and her are talking about anything but how we feel.

[whatnoww]

Sorry for repeting myself there. I'm a bit confused today

[lukasgrahamfan]

As I know to my great cost female relationships are intense as are the breakups and I have been tipped into hell more than once when things have gone wrong. I wish I'd not gone down that road. It's a bit like the pull of the bad boy, the one that's exciting....but I should have put the brakes on when I had the chance. Be careful.

Sorry you are in turmoil. It could be time to save your marriage before it's too late. Could you now take a step back? Not see her? Think hard for a couple of months? It's a serious crossroads situation not to be taken lightly. You don't sound upbeat at all, and this can affect your metal health and future. Take care.

[eloelo]

Believe me the minute your husband will sense that this might get sexual he will not be happy about it!
When my marriage was on the rocks I had a massive crush on a woman. It really took me by surprise. I went for it as I had nothing to stay for. And I am happy with a woman now.
But you have a husband you love so you have to stop at the very beginning otherwise it will most certainly cost you your marriage. Experimenting is fun. But although gay rights have progressed it is still easier to live a straight life. Think about the fact that if you walk hand in hand with a gay partner, or kiss in public you might end up beaten up or dead.

[gingerbreadmanm]

has anythimg actually happened between you and her yet or are these just your feelings?

what has happened with dh that you are on the rocks and unrelated?

[RivieraKid]

Sorry you're going through this, lovely, you sound confused and unhappy Is the unrelated issue something that's been made worse or at least thrown into sharp relief by your feelings for this woman, or was it something that's come out of the blue?

Either way, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you're super vulnerable right now and obviously trying to work through two difficult issues, both of which seem to have got your marriage in trouble so please take care of yourself.

[whatnoww]

If rather not say what has happened with DH only as I can't concentrate on both things at the same time. I made a mistake and DH found out (I told him) I thought he would leave, but he wants to make it work. I made the mistake before I met her so the two are not related.

Yes something has happened (which was amazing) I was honest with DH in as much as I told him exactly where I was and who I was with all night. But then the shut but the fan before we could really talk. It's compliacted, all of it.

[whatnoww]

I thought he would leave me that should say. I wouldn't expect him physically leave for anything that I had done. People have gotten divorced for less tho according to mumsnet relationship board, so he could have chucked me out.