I have a girl crush that is starting to be a bit of an obsession

[whatnoww]

I fancy a new female friend, a lot. We have started spending time together along with my DH and other friends (in a group) and the more time we spend together the more I like her. She has had long term relationships with men but I have herd from others that she had a long term relationship with a woman in her 20s.

My DH jokes that she 'fancies' me but if anything it's the other way around. DH and I are very open with each other and I've told him that I 'like' her. I don't think he would mind if i wanted to explore that side of my sexuality but I didn't even know it existed! I have never had feelings for a woman before, no experimenting when I was a teenager etc so I don't know where this has came from.

I actually dreamt about her last night what is happening to me?

Not even sure what I am asking. Would I be mad to let things develop (we are becoming close, texting most days meeting up etc) and there is something between us. When the wine flows things become a bit weird.

Any wise mumsnetters out there with any advice? Or been in a similar situation?

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks if you got this far.

[whatnoww]

Fusion - the things you say about being yourself more are really intresting. I feel so much more 'me' than I have done for years. My confidence has improved and I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. I hadn't linked the two together untill I read your post. Very strange, I'm not intelligent enough to understand the psychological side of things but open enough to realise their maybe a link.

I have no idea how you have managed to realise all this without acting upon it. I know it was the wrong thing to do in so many levels but still want through with it.

[fusionconfusion]

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling positive and things are not too chaotic right now.

Coming to terms with my sexuality has been a huge journey and one I now realise will be with me in many ways on and off forever... I have come to realise I may have "my head turned" again, but more importantly, I have discovered that whatever pull there is on my attention from an attraction, male or female, I can make choices that are healthy for me in that context at that time.

Allowing myself to understand and appreciate that I am attracted to women and men, and perhaps more women than men, has had a domino effect in enabling me to look more openly at all aspects of my life and particularly to think about what's missing in other areas. And at times, it's like just allowing for the fact I am not straight in a real way has enabled me to see so much more colour in the world. I think I had been suppressing attractions to women for a long time... and when you start suppressing anything, you can easily begin to suppress other things that could be opened up to in healthy ways.

It is nearly a year since I came out to myself and though I haven't been with a woman, I find that just making peace with myself has changed things in surprising ways. I read more, I read a greater variety of literature, I listen to lots of music I hadn't heard in years, I take more time to visit certain friends, I wear clothes that I really love that are different, I am wearing my hair the way I want to etc, I've lost weight, I'm fitter and socialising more with new people and I am about to undertake a course of study I would never had confidence to a few years ago.

I just feel that I can breathe more than before - in simply allowing myself to appreciate the beauty and sexiness of women that catch my eye without buying into the notion that I have to scratch that itch, I am more my "whole self" and, I suppose, not engaging in cognitive control mechanisms that were probably using up a lot of mental energy under the radar. And who knows where it will go, we never know what the future holds. I'm just through living life in monochrome when I can live it in technicolour - AND I am still committed to my monogamous marriage to a straight man and may very well die a happy old lady like that. And I really am okay with that.

[whatnoww]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Lots going on this past week. Me and DH are getting back on track to a certain extent, we have chatted loads and started to mend some bridges.

The feelings are still there for this woman, nothing has happened since that night we have spoken on the phone and face to face and agreed that although it was fun it was a mistake and something that will not be repeated. We were good friends before and I'm hoping that we can be again. Still feel as strongly for her as I did before but after lots of reading up and time alone thinking I'm hoping that it will pass.

It's good to hear from you fusion, your story just proves that all this is not black and white and feelings happen for lots of reasons. I've acted on my feelings, which was maybe a mistake but lots of what you said rings true with me. I don't have to leave my marriage and find myself a gf just because I've became aware of this part of my sexuality.

I'm still pretty messed up and confused but I feel like time will help clear my head.

[fusionconfusion]

Yes no bother :)

[WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow]

Fusion I could have typed that post. Can I PM you (no worries if not)?

[fusionconfusion]

The feelings haven't gone away but the feeling that it is an unstoppable urge or being like being caught in a whirlwind has. There was a very heady period for a while where I was in a danger zone - literally if I had had time alone with this woman with a bottle of wine and she had given any indication of willingness that would have been that.. but that's gone really.

It is all quite complex. I work quite closely with this person now and that also helps because she is more human. I think the problem with the first flush of infatuation is it really is this dream like state and very unreal. The Buddhist monks imagine their love objects puking and peeing and pooing in order to deal with lust!

I also had a lot of work to do on coming to terms with my sexuality. Lisa Diamond's work helped as I realised it was okay to have feelings for women and actually quite normal and didn't mean I had to leave my marriage. If you read popular media the common narrative is that if you discover you ARE a lesbian than you have to act or be damned to a life of "living a lie".. but sexual orientation is only one aspect of experience, it is not something that needs to dictate your behaviour if that isn't going to be workable in the context of your life. Plenty of people down through the ages found ways to navigate experience with all sorts of constraints on what they could and couldn't do, and fidelity is important to me. And also coming to terms with the idea that "whereever you go, there you are".I ended up in this life and this is my life, and it's imperfect like all lives and I have longings for a different life like all humans.

I still feel a lot of vulnerability around aspects of it. She has an immense appeal for me that is magnetic.. but I am less scared of that, and thank my mind for it as a reminder of what it is I really want that I don't have right now - a certain spontaneity, playfulness, adventure and a responsible, responsive caring partner who is open, honest, energetic, an excellent conversationalist, full of fun, serious about work and about helping the world and doesn't make me feel totally fecking oppressed by the patriarchy!

[WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow]

Fusion that is so completely true for me too. There is a woman who is basically who I want to be in the future who I have really confusing feelings for. Don't want to derail thread but did you find it helped the feelings to go away to understand that? OP, hope this helps you too or do you think there's more going on?

[horseygeorgie1]

God your poor DH. Give yourself a shake. You are MARRIED. Either commit 100% to the man you vowed to spend your life with, or split with him and indulge this fantasy. All this 'permission' bollocks is just that, bollocks. You just want to be guilt free while fucking about with someone else.

[fusionconfusion]

This is something I found helpful OP:

www.brainpickings.org/2015/10/05/adam-phillips-missing-out-frustration-love/

And I had psychotherapy this year (private) to help me dig deeper into it. Definitely the woman I fell for is this for me - she just encapsulates a lot of qualities I long for in myself and in my life.. and I think that's the power of it. And once my dh did too. And all of this is very human and can be very painful.

I hope you can make good choices for you in all of this.

[whatnoww]

Thanks Wu and Lady. you are both probably right. I have been reffered to a counsellor in the past but had one session and she left and I never went back. This was after death's in the family.

I tick along ok usually but this is really messing with my head. I cant think of anything specific at the moment that triggered it. That's what DH keeps asking

[ladybagpuss]

It sounds like subconsciously there's lots going on. I agree with Wu about seeing or speaking to a therapist because it sounds like you need to work through your feelings? There's a directory of LGBT therapists called the pink directory, and there's bisexual therapists in that too.

[WuTangFlan]

Do you have self-esteem issues? It sounds a bit like you're bent on testing relationships to destruction (to prove a point to your subconscious self that you're unlikeable? Which you're clearly not.) But there's something going on there. Would counselling help, do you think? Has anything happened recently which might have triggered the "mistake"?

[whatnoww]

They could well be related wuTang. Not conciously tho, DH is very chilled but yeah I did something that I knew would upset him a lot. I'm not sure why I did it at all.

I have told her what I have done tho. I didn't have to, she would never have found out but I told her anyway. I thought she would hate me but she doesn't.

I sometimes feel like I am trying to subconsciously destroy my own life.

[WuTangFlan]

Are the two issues entirely unrelated? You say your DH is pretty chilled, and yet you didn't tell him about the "mistake" when it happened, and he's pretty angry about it now.

So you knew he'd be angry if he found out... and you're not proud of yourself for the mistake by the sound of it, which has got to knock your self-esteem. But the relationship with the woman is/was "pristine" and safe as she didn't know/couldn't find anything out about you which would hurt her or damage your image in her eyes... so by fixating on that relationship you have a distraction from the "mistake" and a reflected version of yourself which is likeable, fun and nice - a prop to the self-esteem that she thinks you're interesting and someone she wants to lavish her lavish time/attention on. I'm not saying this is something you have consciously done, just that perhaps the two things are related.

[whatnoww]

Fusion - thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you have been through that realisation without ever having the chance to explore your feelings freely.

Believe it or not I do care obout DH. I love him I really do, even now when things are messy, I can't imagine life without him. That sounds like I'm talking crap after everything that has happened but that's how I feel.

I like to think I am relatively young but even when I was growing up there was a lot less acceptance of same sex relationships.

[whatnoww]

Lady - I sort of do but I'm struggling finding the time. I need to spend time with DH. I need to sort other shit out and all i really want to do is go to sleep, I am constantly tired.

[whatnoww]

Prosecco - yep you were all right, pretty much 100% right so far.

[ladybagpuss]

That's very true, people will get hurt, it's inevitable in any situation like this and that's the hardest part.

Have you spoken to anyone IRL about it? It sounds like your thoughts are running 1000 miles per hour, which is to be expected of course, but I just wondered do you know anyone you can just sit down with, breath, and talk it through? Perhaps that would help.

[whatnoww]

April it is a completely different issue yeah. Believe it or not. He is talking to me we are just not 100% if that makes sense, we have a lot to deal with so one minute we are fine and the next hes (understandably) angry.

[proseccowithastraw]

Ah, so exactly as I and several others had predicted it would turn out.

Good luck. I hope the hurt is minimal.

[whatnoww]

I don't know if it's just this woman. It is at the moment. I can't see myself falling for anyone else but I thought that before. I wish knew.

All I know if whatever I do people are going to get hurt

[whatnoww]

Marbles - yeah that's pretty much it. DH wants me, she doesn't want me if i have a DH and I have no idea if she would if i didn't have one as I can't exactly ask her!

Also it's not fair to leave one relationship and jump straight into another. If that was even an option. Then there's everything else to think about!

I don't even know what I want myself. I never dreamed any I this would happen to me. I'm boring and this is worse than a soap opera.

I need some time alone but I never get it, heads a mess :/

[ladybagpuss]

^^ xpost with fusionconfusion - my response re agreeing there was re the post at 15.27, not the one immediately before.