I have a girl crush that is starting to be a bit of an obsession

[whatnoww]

I fancy a new female friend, a lot. We have started spending time together along with my DH and other friends (in a group) and the more time we spend together the more I like her. She has had long term relationships with men but I have herd from others that she had a long term relationship with a woman in her 20s.

My DH jokes that she 'fancies' me but if anything it's the other way around. DH and I are very open with each other and I've told him that I 'like' her. I don't think he would mind if i wanted to explore that side of my sexuality but I didn't even know it existed! I have never had feelings for a woman before, no experimenting when I was a teenager etc so I don't know where this has came from.

I actually dreamt about her last night what is happening to me?

Not even sure what I am asking. Would I be mad to let things develop (we are becoming close, texting most days meeting up etc) and there is something between us. When the wine flows things become a bit weird.

Any wise mumsnetters out there with any advice? Or been in a similar situation?

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks if you got this far.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

How would you feel if your husband said no problem to you exploring an open relationship with this women so long as he could have an open relationship with Dawn from accounts?

[PressRedToSelect]

Galactic have you RTFT or just selectively skimmed?

[whatnoww]

Wow a few responses today. I do consider her feelings too and I think it has been mentioned in this thread before. She knows I am married, she knows my husband but she still flirts with me I think. I don't want to put her under any pressure at all and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I have no idea what she is thinking I don't know her that well really, I've known her for like 12 months or so. The fact that she knows my husband and the way he is, it's hard to describe, hes not a doormat at all but he's laid back when it comes to sex chat and the like.

Galactic as I have said earlier I wouldn't like it if it was a woman. With a guy I think, just think of be ok with that. I can't explain why but I'm being honest.

Had a long text conversation tonight, nothing weird just planning the night out soon and a bit of joking and stuff. But when my phone goes and it's her I turn into a 13 year old girl when her crush texts. Its quite embarrasing to be honest.

I'm going to have to do something and quick. I can not get her out of my head at all.

Thank you all for your responses. It's great to talk about it and get honest response a from people.

[lukasgrahamfan]

I was in a similar position a long time ago. Couldn't get a woman who flirted with me outrageously out of my mind. We were friends and saw each other at work and outside of work for about 18 months. She told me she loved me. I was confused, just didn't know what to do. My marriage was in danger of collapsing.

I sought help, talked to other people about the situation...she wasn't happy about that as she wanted to keep our closeness a secret, but I was nearly having a breakdown. Eventually my marriage failed [not just due to that situation], luckily it was an amicable parting, we had a couple of other problems. She then vanished from the scene after I'd seen through her and had to move on with my life.

She had been having a lot of 'fun' with me [and my life], enjoyed teasing/ flirting with lots of people [including my H!] I later found out. It was all a laugh to her, an ego boost, a turn on, it made her feel great. For me it exposed deeper issues. I wish I had never met her. Be careful.

[whatnoww]

Thanks Lukas. I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Can i ask have you ever had similar feelings about another woman since? I know I really need to be careful, at least my head knows that!

Weirdly I have friends (women) that flirt outrageously with me, to the point of sexual harrassment after a few drinks. this is so different tho. It's subtle and seems meaningful and seems really intimate somehow without actually being sexual.

It's so confusing. I wish I could post all the messages between us so I could get other people's thoughts but it might be a bit outing.

[ashtrayheart]

Your post has real touched a nerve with me. I had an affair with a woman, it ended a few months ago I guess - it got confusing as my partner started seeing her too and we had a vague attempt at a polyamorous relationship although it was always just about me and her really. Now we are 'just friends' but there is an undercurrent and she's still in my need a lot of the time. Don't want to say any more on here but feel free to pm me X

[ashtrayheart]

Sorry for typos!

[whatnoww]

Hi ash - thanks for your post. I might have to PM you as I'm curious to know how you got to that point! I'm not sure I could manage DH and her being together (well sexually, maybe but emotionally no).

I'm not sure I've ever felt this intensely about anyone before and that's an awful thing to say. I obviously love DH, has amazing and we are close, I can't imagine my life without him. But I feel differntly towards her. It's not really a sexual thing but that is also something I think about too much

[whatnoww]

Messed - I'm happy to chat on PM. It's nice to chat to someone who has been there. I've had the 'am I gay' thoughts but how can I be? although nothing auprises me anymore.

Can't I just have my cake and eat it and live in a wonderful 3 way relationship and get my kids to call my gf aunty so and so

[PsychedelicSheep]

Well, some people manage it so it can't be totally impossible!

And whatsgoingon isn't right. Your husband isn't a 'doormat', he's probably just a bit kinky. Cuckold fetishism (that's what it's actually called, not just an outdated label) is pretty common in men. Less so in women.

If you can all talk openly about this like adults then I see no reason you couldn't work something out together, as long as everyone's on board and taking responsibility for their own feelings while considering those of the others. People do stuff like this, it's not unheard of.

[whatnoww]

Thanks psychedelic. I'm pretty sure my mates parents were in a simular situation when we were growing up. We never thought anything of it at the time but the women lived together as friends with all the kids and the guy just stayed over sometimes. One of the women has now came out officially. Just goes to show it does happen!

I don't think DH is a doormat at all. I don't think he'd be devastated if i got with a guy and told him about it, he actually tells me to do it sometimes! If I went on a girls night out and got with a woman I don't think he would mind as long as I told him. That's not a doormat tho like you say, that's just his thing. I'm not being deceitful in any of those scenarios (not that they have happened as such) that's just a bit of fun as far as I'm concerned.

What's going on at the moment tho, that needs a much more in depth conversation.

[MrsFrisbyMouse]

Read this:-

Limerence

You are fantasising and projecting - you have no idea about her feelings for you - yes she may be flirting with you - but that might just be a bit of fun and bolstering her own ego.

There is a huge difference between what we as libertarian free-thinking people think we can handle and the messy emotional fall out that happens after.

It's not the 'getting with a woman' that's the issue - it's the web of emotions and emotional investment what gets messy.

Then you get mixed up in being unable to distinguish limerence from love and all hell breaks loose.

[puzzledbyadream]

I certainly think you're bi or pansexual. As the best of us are (tongue in cheek). I also think you may be polyamorous. I would do some reading and post on some poly forums. Poly relationships can and do work just as well as monog relationships, but everybody involved has to be happy! Good luck with figuring it all out.

[Branleuse]

i think just be careful. Your dh is showing the signs of being ok with an open relationship, but you sound very emotionally caught up with this woman. I doubt there would be much time or feelings left for your dh if you were able to just go ahead with your crush, and of course, theres the other womans feelings to consider. What if she wanted you to leave your dh??

Youre playing with fire here

[ladybagpuss]

Whatever the reason for the attraction, it's opened up a Pandora's box though. Having been through it personally (although in slightly different circs), I just don't think repressing thoughts around it, because of fear of how it may or may not play out, works or helps. I'm not suggesting acting rashly or at all even yet, because whether you 'do' nothing or something is one aspect - but finding out this part of you exists and wondering what that means is also a big deal on its own.

There are lots of marriages where it can work but of course also those where it doesn't.
Messedup1234 - does your husband know about this, have you spoken? You sound in pain but many people have found a way which means it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[Bear2014]

Hi there! This thread has made for some fascinating lunch hour reading...

I am gay and in an 8-year relationship with my GF and we have a daughter together. I think we have both been in the situation of 'the other woman' a couple of times in the past. Straight women on the whole seem to love a bit of a flirt with a gay or sexually ambiguous lady, and it is fun for us too on occasion. If she is single, then it is definitely you who has the responsibility, and not her.

I know a couple of straight ladies who have found themselves in your situation also. It seems that it would realistically go one of two ways:

1. You initiate things with her for one night, get it out of your system, have a bit of fun and realise that it perhaps isn't for you in the long run, and either the friendship remains on a platonic level or fizzles out.
   

1. You get it on with her, realise that it's beyond what you could have ever dreamed, and subsequently leave your husband. You may stay with her or she may just be your 'gateway to lesbianism' ;o)
   

Your husband may say he is ok with you experimenting a bit. This is probably either a thinly-veiled request for a threesome or total bollocks. He may think he is ok with it, or try to be ok with it, but i'd be amazed if it was that simple. At the risk of being flamed, you could always have a bit of a dabble without him knowing, just to put your toe in the water. If you realise it's not for you or she was just having a bit of fun, you can go back to normal with no harm done. If he knows about it, it may be the beginning of the end for your relationship if he decides to suddenly not be ok with it. What he doesn't know, can't hurt him.

Good luck and tread carefully!

[JCo24]

My extra advice to you (also coming from a lesbian) would be that your husband genuinely might be loving the whole 'you being attracted to women thing' because he might not have thought about the fact you might have actual lesbian feelings that could ruin your relationship.
Talking from past experience, men tend to only think about lesbians in sexual ways. Porn is a great help in that . They often think of themselves as superior in bed. The last guy I slept with literally said to me "What do you mean you have a girlfriend? What could she possibly do in bed that I can't?"

[RivieraKid]

I mean that whats is right concerning marriage vows, not whatever kink you and your DH might be into, to clarify. Forsake all others does apply to all genders.

[RivieraKid]

"What do you mean you have a girlfriend? What could she possibly do in bed that I can't?"

Ugh - so grim, but yes I've had this too...'So, you use a dildo right?' ...I'm just there feeling sorry for their girlfriends tbh! XD

[RivieraKid]

(not the dildos aren't fun but jeez, have guys heard of anything other than penetrative sex??)

[whatnoww]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I haven't got long but here's the plan. I am going to get flamed but I'm not really bothered.

I'm not going to say anything more to DH at the moment. He knows that I will be seeing her this weekend and next and in his words she fancies me, he knows that I like her, he knows I talk about her too much and get a bit weird when I see her, he knows we text etc. What I'm going to do it get drunk with her as planned and see what happens. No actually, I'm going to go for it and see what happens. I will tell DH of something happens and take itbfrom there. I'll reply properly later but for now that's the plan.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

OK, so you've decided to cheat on your DH. You're choosing to see the fact that he hasn't kicked off in a jealous rage up till now as his giving you his blessing.

Why not TELL HIM NOW what you plan/hope to do, so he has a chance to make his own choices and decisions too, with all the information? That's what annoys me the most about infidelity: one partner chooses to pursue a different path, without giving the other partner that same option. (If the other partner is respectful and loyal enough not to pursue infidelity themselves, that is.)

Just TELL HIM.

[alphabook]

So because your DH knows there's chemistry between you, it's somehow his fault/he shouldn't be surprised when you cheat on him?

You've chosen to have an affair. No point anyone flaming you for it, it's obviously wrong and you know it.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I'll reply properly later

There's no real need. Is anyone interested in yet another selfish story of a married person ignoring their partner and their promises, just to pursue a tingle in their pants? Yawn. Next!