Expecting first child.... I already see the problems with the inlaws starting. cultural differences, maybe also because of social issues or something else. How do you deal with it? Especially MIL??

[1horatio]

So, we're expexting :) OH is awesome. MIL is being difficult...
OH and I have many different opinions (from violence, the army, children and knives, open fires, fishing, shooting, the law [make sure it's worth it if you break it, know how to skirt it vs just follow the law]).
But OH and I talk, compromise and appreciate we're having different cultural backgrounds (OH is English, I'm not. But seeing as I'm also from Europe one might think there would be less differences. We actually enjoy these differences. Especially OH thinks they're incredibly interesting and has many fancy terms... ).

Anyhow, for example: OH's sister's DC is being bullied. Also somewhat phisically. My response: 'Hit then where it hurts'. SIL sat next to us and listened (I proceeded to explain /show a bit how to hit back). MIL comes: 'That's not how we deal with things like this. Go to a teacher.' I say that the teachers know and that it hasn't gotten better. MIL gives me nasty looks and say DC is better than that....

Said child isn't allowed around sharp knives. Ok, I'm not their parent I'd never interfere.
But I got my first dagger with around... 8? and had pocketknives before I went to school. My little brothers had their first daggers when they were much younger. We were taught how to handle them and hardly ever cut us and never somebody else. MIL would be apoplectic if she just heard about it.
Target shooting with a bow is also a perfectly normal activity in my family. Riding isn't seen as "so dangerous" either.... (guns are obviously not for children).
We've always known that meat comes from animals when we were little. Also because sometimes we were the one that killed the animal we were eating. My inlaws thought it was terribly morbid I accidentally called the beef we were eating a cow....

How do you guys deal with this? Does anybody else have similar experiences? Now that we're expecting LO MIL is trying to influence so much. She wants me to stop doing a sport I love after the birth, makes comments like:"one should never let a child do...." and glances at me meaningfully....

Plus MIL is soo concerned with appearance. Some names are 'bad', screaming children are a disgrace but dummies are ok (I'm of the opposite opinion) and she always gives me this stare. Or says: "we don't like this, do we, 1horatio?" whereas I'm just thinking: "we?!"

Op question - do all Swiss parents have exactly the same views on child rearing? Or anything else for that matter?

I have a weird (that I've just realised) situation with my friends (quick check on Facebook 200+ and they're not even all on there) that I can only think of 5 families I know where both parents are british!

And even in those families there's differences on what they think is correct child rearing. Certainly me and ex didn't always agree/have same views.

There will of course be cultural and legal differences. You manage those as best you can.

I too was raised very outdoorsy/practical and could shoot and use a knife and axe by the time I was 11. But that's not the norm for a lot of Brits.

The criticism of your clothes, hair, furniture, how you do your dishes, magazines in the toilet are just plain rude! You'll see/have seen on here that Brit mums/wives/partners have the same shit from in laws. Fwiw I've seen this issue occur for friends who have non uk mil where the mil and dil are of the same nationality/culture - I think mil's thinking dil's aren't good enough is almost universal

Minor irritations like criticism of how you do your housework - smile and nod 'well that's how I do it'

Slightly more serious like her saying 'that's not how I'd do it' get oh to back you up.

Really serious - like trying to TELL you what to do on important issues (like infant feeding eg) both you and oh tell her to butt out!

As for digging her nails in your arm that is COMPLETELY out of order and I would have said something like

'Ow! What the hell do you think you're doing!!'

I can't really see the problem with being taught to handle the knives properly. I've always felt that a child is safer in the kitchen when they know how to use the various knives properly, so I've been teaching mine how to chop, etc, with ours. They've never injured themselves.

I also let them use the sharp steak knives in restaurants when they were younger, and got various adults commenting on that in an "are you sure they are safe?" kind of way

DS has used knives similar to those linked to, the "Scout dagger" type. At Scouts, although the knives were handed back at the end of the sessions. They were used for example to shave kindling off blocks of wood, etc, outdoorsy stuff.

But that's all besides the point, as I think the OP's MIL isn't coming across as a nice person.

OP, I think you'll have to set some careful boundaries with your MIL, and in particular don't let the Sunday lunches become set in stone. I'm not saying cut them out altogether, just don't do it every week.

Sooner or later you are going to find that there are things you want to do as a family on Sundays, and it'll be far easier if you're not also having to take the Sunday lunch into account.

I do not believe for one moment that SS would check out a report of a 7 or 8 year old whittling sticks.

SS do ask a few questions of people who report things. Whittling sticks is maybe not a mass pastime but it's hardly bomb making. I hope no one is deterred from a bit of outdoor stick whittling because of fear that the SS might come calling.

We will all end up imprisoned in our own fear.

" I do not believe for one moment that SS would check out a report of a 7 or 8 year old whittling sticks. "

nor do I but it would only take one malicious call, one over zealous social worker....

blu was it you who said your children were at some forest school eviscerating pheasants etc?

I made my teen cut the cockerel's head off with an axe while I held it down......does that make me a bad mother?

Bacon Nah, I highly doubt it:) My ex was more of a hippy. Supremely peaceful, organic cotton pants, work with children with disabilities etc :D (yes, she was still surprised when I told her about an 8yo not getting to chop veggies)...

My mum is actually a total pacifist (dislikes guns, MAs and the army) and wanted me to go into humanitarian law. Not sure what she did to be stuck with me

On a more serious note. I'm genuinely wondering what the problem with the loo is. OH just makes puppy eyes (yes, I'm very weak!!) and says MIL has always been like this.

Sunday lunches are already pretty set in stone.

No, Maria. In my book that makes you a pretty badass and responsible mother.
But it obviously depends on the kid. My DSis couldn't deal with this, so she doesn't eat meat.

Somebody on this thread said the school would call social serv. if a kid said they'd been handling blades. Which genuinely spooked me. I mean, no grilling sausages... And making nice figures in the stick bark. And afterwards playing native Americans or... Hunters and 'hunting'our sausage... :) (yes, we were a bit weird by any standard. This brood of cousins, godchildren and fam friends that went to the same school)

thank you Horatio, it sounds so bad when I write it down, we were living in deep country and the poor cockerel was ill and in pain. One of us had to do the deed itself.

Yes, it happens. My granddad killed my mum's and aunt's rabbits and made the fam eat it. Now that's messed up. But meat comes from animals... Children knowing that isn't bad.

I just woved to never tell SIL's kids what my fav meal is. Couldn't bear their sad looks...

" My granddad killed my mum's and aunt's rabbits and made the fam eat it"
now that IS weird!

My Polish ex MIL killed and ate her grandson's rabbit when he went back to London at the end of the summer. 'Look after my rabbit, Babcia!' he said, 'of course I will' she said , (checking the herb shelf and wondering where her sharp knife was....)

Yes, my Italian granny did the same (she moved back to Italy when we were kids).
But in her defence, at first she actually mistook my rabbit for an other one. When I wasn't overly bothered when it wasn't there anymore the next holiday she probably decided it was too much of a bother... (i mean, we had a pet at home. Had somebody butchered our cat I would have been inconsolable. But there were soo many other rabbits and they all looked so similar... My granny basically just gave me a new rabbit every holliday...). But our ducks got to be really old....

Well, my granddad was a sadistic arse that probably liked making his daughters eat their pets. It's a bit more than just weird, tbh.

What would you like to get out of this thread, 1Horatio?

The other thread I understood - you were taking X approach, which your MIL didn't agree with/ was causing conflict and you wanted to know whether your approach was reasonable. Unsurprisingly, some people thought your diet was fine, some people thought not, but ultimately no one can dictate how you choose to live.

Now here you are again, passing Y opinion, finding your MIL disagrees and wanting to know whether it's reasonable? Again, some people agree and some disagree. It's your opinion after all - you're perfectly entitled to it. And your MIL is entitled to disagree.

I suspect you are looking for people to agree that your MIL is wrong, or that she is unreasonable or whatever but surely it will always be the case that some people agree and some disagree.

I think the issue is basically that you don't like your MIL and you don't get on with her. Not sure a MN thread for every difference of opinion that turns up will help you.

Hey, Lapha, how are you doing? I was wondering how people deal with MILs because I actually realised that I'm quite upset after thinking more about her (which was caused by the other thread).

Had you asked me 2 weeks ago I would have said something along the lines of MIL and I getting along pretty well. Now I'm realising that we're not. Maybe that's never been or I was really that good at blocking it out...

Actually you're right. I think that now I've realised many things, like the fact that I actually do not like her (now that I let myself think about it). Maybe I'm venting?

I am emotionally dense. I'll absolutely admit to this. Very dense, tbh.

Btw, MIL knows nothing about knives and Swiss people. But if she already thinks brother grimm fairytales are bad....

Wouldnt kids in a Sikh school carry their dagger to school?

Are kirpans sharp? Idk.

I'm good, thanks!

If you normally get on well with her, it's probably just a mixture of you being hormonal and spending too much time together? I wouldn't worry about it. Rant on here. Avoid her a bit. Soon there'll be a baby

I just knew you were going to be Swiss! It's the only country where weapons are encouraged but you must follow all laws to the letter!

Good point La...

Well, weapons aren't thaaaat encouraged. These knives just don't count as weapons (you dont need a license for them). We're not Americans (not that they arent lovely)

Following the law is important. I'm still sometimes weirded out by how DH sees it. (not that he's a criminal or anything, btw).

LaPha, Maybe you're right. I just think it's important that we never ever spend 1:1 time again. These questions she asked. Seriously...

Swiss army knife is seen as a tool though, not a weapon. The main aim when you carry one is not stabbing someone.

Yes, lapha is really insightful and the total opposite of emotionally dense (I'm the dense one, btw).

" But if she already thinks brother grimm fairytales are bad."

i thought Grimm's fairytales were shared cultural capital? Red riding hood, etc?

Of course not! Scout daggers aren't for stabing either.

Which is why flickknives (if you can flick then open with one hand) are regulated.
I mean, guns are also often used for hunting and sport. The only people that really have weapons is the police, the military and bankers/jewellers etc.

Nope. Cindirella's sisters don't cut off feet parts for example in OH's family. They have the Disney versions... The originals are apparently too scary.