Expecting first child.... I already see the problems with the inlaws starting. cultural differences, maybe also because of social issues or something else. How do you deal with it? Especially MIL??

[1horatio]

So, we're expexting :) OH is awesome. MIL is being difficult...
OH and I have many different opinions (from violence, the army, children and knives, open fires, fishing, shooting, the law [make sure it's worth it if you break it, know how to skirt it vs just follow the law]).
But OH and I talk, compromise and appreciate we're having different cultural backgrounds (OH is English, I'm not. But seeing as I'm also from Europe one might think there would be less differences. We actually enjoy these differences. Especially OH thinks they're incredibly interesting and has many fancy terms... ).

Anyhow, for example: OH's sister's DC is being bullied. Also somewhat phisically. My response: 'Hit then where it hurts'. SIL sat next to us and listened (I proceeded to explain /show a bit how to hit back). MIL comes: 'That's not how we deal with things like this. Go to a teacher.' I say that the teachers know and that it hasn't gotten better. MIL gives me nasty looks and say DC is better than that....

Said child isn't allowed around sharp knives. Ok, I'm not their parent I'd never interfere.
But I got my first dagger with around... 8? and had pocketknives before I went to school. My little brothers had their first daggers when they were much younger. We were taught how to handle them and hardly ever cut us and never somebody else. MIL would be apoplectic if she just heard about it.
Target shooting with a bow is also a perfectly normal activity in my family. Riding isn't seen as "so dangerous" either.... (guns are obviously not for children).
We've always known that meat comes from animals when we were little. Also because sometimes we were the one that killed the animal we were eating. My inlaws thought it was terribly morbid I accidentally called the beef we were eating a cow....

How do you guys deal with this? Does anybody else have similar experiences? Now that we're expecting LO MIL is trying to influence so much. She wants me to stop doing a sport I love after the birth, makes comments like:"one should never let a child do...." and glances at me meaningfully....

Plus MIL is soo concerned with appearance. Some names are 'bad', screaming children are a disgrace but dummies are ok (I'm of the opposite opinion) and she always gives me this stare. Or says: "we don't like this, do we, 1horatio?" whereas I'm just thinking: "we?!"

I have grey doc martins. Lovely shoes :) perfect for winter :) your daughter has great taste :)!

As long as the LO can move freely (no uncomfy shoes, restrictive clothes etc) MIL can buy whatever she wants. My own mun used to have a .. Boutique (?) so I feel like I'm supremely tolerant as far as crazy fashion stuff is concerned (as long as I dont have to wear it. And as long as MIL keeps my hair alone.)

Well, the chairs survived 2 wws and the Americans. And were shipped to the UK. I feel weirdly protective of the chairs :) even though some part of the furniture may be slightly mismatched....

It's not really about daggers. I wasn't clear enough in the beginning, sorry! Though I am surprised an 8yo isn't allowed near sharp knives I accept that it's apparently really British. And as I said, I'd never tell my SIL how to raise her kid. I'm just... Dreading MIL's reaction to certain things.

My hair is cut by OH or my mother :) hairdressers seem to want to style it and do 'cool modern things'...

I gave (S London) DS a penknife for his 8th birthday. His friends had them, too. I did a lot of research and got him a lovely wooden handled Opinel knife where you swivel the collar to stop it snapping down on your fingers in use. He and his friends spent hours on our camping trips whittling sticks, for marshmallows, sausages, the sake of it, and cutting rope and string to lash branches together to make dens and tripods.

At Scouts they all had bush knives (is this what you mean by a dagger, OP?)

All fine. They know not to take them into school or carry them in the street. I carry a modest Swiss Army knife in my handbag: endlessly useful.

OP: did you give your PoV on hitting back (complete with unarmed combat demo) direct to the children? Or was it a theoretical discussion amongst adults? You may need to invoke tact about talking direct to kids, encouraging them to do things that are not allowed at school.

" . I carry a modest Swiss Army knife in my handbag: endlessly useful."
unless it's got a rounded tip, take my advice, don't.

Why? My Swiss Army Knife has a folding blade of much less than the legal 3" / 7.62cm and is therefore perfectly legal.

OP, your MIL sounds rude, overbearing, narrow minded and obnoxious.
But I think we need to see a picture of the chairs and your haircut, just to be sure

OK good, that is fine then.
Honestly I did not even know about this law until I got caught with a knife in my bag and, as i said before, ended up sitting in a police cell for seven hours, held under the mental health act (you have a knife in your bag, you must be mental).
I know you couldnt make it up, but it happened. There was a good reason why the knife was in my bag, and I have never suffered from mental health problems.

Your MIL is rigid and intolerant, and wants to put you down or silence you for having different opinions to hers.

If she digs her fingers into your arms to silence you, frankly I would swat her hands away, after stonily telling her to remove them. I do believe, like you, that one needs to stand up to bullies. But it's best to state your needs first, and retaliate only if they don't back off when asked.

If you don't want to spend every Sunday with your ILs, and prefer to spend it with your OH and LO, then do that. Strike a deal with your OH about how often you are prepared to spend time with ILs, and stick to that. Compromise.

And yeah, you can also correct her on the totally arrogant "we" business. "Actually, MIL, I think that doing x is perfectly fine."

Finally, I think an ourdoorsy childhood where children are taught to be the masters of their own bodies and also how to accomplish things like build a fire and cook food is extremely healthy for them and for their self-esteem and self-mastery. Don't let anyone put your childrearing ideas down, and instead do whatever you can to give your DC Swiss summer holidays (or move there permanently).

Rock on.

The Swiss upbringing doesn't seem to breed a violent society does it. I spent a lot of time in Europe as a kid and mixed with all nationalities. The Swiss kids didn't seem any different to any other nationality. I have never seen a group of violent Swiss adults or kids to be honest.

Well, I was sitting in the garden with SIL and her DC. So, I guess the demo was rather generic? I didn't explain how to send somebody to the hospital.
SIL had no problem with it, her child apparently came home rather messed up a few days ago. Apparently other children said the kiddo just fell? But according to the kid there was help falling repeatedly...

Really smart quiet kid, probaby one of the smallest in the year. Reminds me of one of my little brothers a bit. Who coincidentally was really good at judo and hitting stuff if neccessary, so the 'big boys' let him read in peace... Not to mention that he had the strategy to sit where a teacher would catch the other children down to an art form....

But then my ds was lighting fires with a blow torch at 8 so I don't exactly believe kids should be overprotected.

No. Swiss people aren't violent. Or at least not more violent than other people... Maybe MIL thinks I'm violent? But I'm really not. I haven't hit anybody since middle school. So..? Unless she counts the sport I do. But that's totally consensual violence. I don't like violence against people that didn't sign up for it. Not at all.

Maybe she still thinks I'm a lose canon? And grabbed my arm because she was afraid I'd do what? Break noses of little old ladies.?!! :((

I practice law. I don't hit people I disagree with!!

Of course Swiss culture isn't about inflicting violence. Not at all imo.before living in the UK I honestly wasn't really aware about anything distinctly Swiss. If anything Swiss culture is stiff and slightly sometimes 'vurknorzt' (like... Gnarled?)

And yes, fire safety is teaching children how to deal with fire safely...

Maria, how big was the knife you were carrying? There is nothing about points in that link, just size, nature of blade (fixed / folding / flick etc).
I am sorry you were stopped and held but I have actually declared my penknife on entry into high security government buildings, where it gets held at reception along with people's manicure sets, lighters etc, and once I was then found by the X Ray machine to have a second knife in my bag because I had accidentally picked up DP's too. They laughed and kept that at Reception, too.

My penknife with it's v small (but sharp and useful) blade, scissors, corkscrew, screwdriver, etc is endlessly handy. And legal. I feel quite strongly that I should not be pushed out of my legal rights, within which I demonstrate responsible citizenship, by hysteria or misapplied police reaction.

DS has also been building and lighting campfires since he was 7 or 8, cooking over them and learning fire safety.

He is kind, well behaved, non-violent, volunteers, his feral upbringing has not led to him being a stabbing arsonist in any way, shape or form.

And kids in the UK CAN have knives (within the legal categories) but not in school, which is fair enough. In school it will also extend to scalpels/ craft knives. Again, fair enough.

I was bullied once when i was growing up, my old man taught me how to defend myself and fight back, funny enough i wasnt bullied again, i was living in Germany at the time because mybold man was in the army, no teachers were involved, i told my dad who the kid was and he went to the parents house and dealt with it, and im not a violent person, i just know how tondefend myself

interesting thread.

I think on some of these things you will find a wide variety amongst the brits too.

My kids all cook. I allowed them to use a small sharp knife to cut fruit etc from about 5. I remember a Super Nanny episode where she did the same and the parents nearly had a blue fit.
There is a big difference though between a supervised cooking knife and letting them loose with a knife in general.

Near us is a forest school which does wonderful forest outdoors stuff with kids in the holidays. They use knives, beginning age 7.
DD1 is 11 and has just joined scouts. scouts begins at 10. They went on camp and did lots of proper traditional scout activites, cooked all their food over open fire, used penknives etc. They had to hand in penknives for the journey down, and they were handed back on site. This is because under 16 are not allowed to carry knives, even penknives in UK. She came home and bought herself a good swiss army knife with her pocket money, the woman in the shop said to me, don't tell me if you are buying it for your daughter as if I know that I am not allowed to sell it to you. Dd then spent ages looking and discussing pros and cons of the different knives, and then I bought it 'for myself!'
Ds was also given a penknife for his 10 birthday.
I tend to agree with you with knives, fires etc, but I have to be careful when friends are round as they tend to be more conservative.

As to the 'hit the bully back' For me that is an absolute no-no. There is no way I would sanction that. I am an ex teacher, and the only way to stamp it out is to consistently deal with the bully. The issue here is that the school is not acting, not that the child needs to hit back.

I think also, if I was your SIL, having spent ages trying to teach my son the right thing to do, I would be really p..ed off with you swanning in and showing him how to hit back. There are times when it is an interesting debate, and your child does x and their child does y, and there are times when you are imposing your view on their child, or they are imposing their view on your child and that is not OK.

The thing is, SIL was not pissed off (I think she just wants the bullying to stop). My MIL was the one getting upset... But as a teacher, what would you tell your kid/kid of SIL? If that happened to them? Going to a teacher is apparently not working.

I'm ok with children not taking knives to school. I only took then when we went on hikes or school camps.

To be honest, we were kind of let lose with our knives and sticks. The parents were often chatting whereas we had fun in the countryside and forests... But only in forests we knew. We went for example camping every summer in the same place. And had a traditional spot for weekend camping....

What I personally am cautious about is open water. Just because one cramp (which nobody has controle over) and your dead....

Your upbringing sounds awesome. I've only read the first page....
Stop the info train with the MIL. What she doesn't know she can't comment or degrade you about.

Your husband does need to help her wind her neck in a bit and set firm boundaries and explain the consequences should she over step them.

I'm all for the way you bring up kids there. They need to learn risk, responsibility. My almost 2 year old goes to forest school weekly and plays in the dirt, forages, toasts marshmallows on the campfire. It's brilliant and is highly recommend looking for one in your area.

I think an 8 year old would he find with a knife given the right boundaries and guidance. In fact I think it's a great idea. I also think ta great kids know where their food is coming from too. Good for you!

" I have actually declared my penknife on entry into high security government buildings "

funnily enough blu, that is exactly where I came unstuck. The security guard said 'don't worry luv I will look after it for you' and promptly called the police.
It was bigger than a penknife..

'don't worry luv I will look after it for you' and promptly called the police.

Oh wow! That must have been worrying. But it also makes me grin a bit. May I ask why you had that big knive? Just out interest

" May I ask why you had that big knive? "
oh it was a long and sad story to do with my campervan....

And thanks to anyone that complimented my upbringing or just took the time to comment.
My upbringing was not perfect. But the outdoorsy stuff was awesome!! :)