Expecting first child.... I already see the problems with the inlaws starting. cultural differences, maybe also because of social issues or something else. How do you deal with it? Especially MIL??

[1horatio]

So, we're expexting :) OH is awesome. MIL is being difficult...
OH and I have many different opinions (from violence, the army, children and knives, open fires, fishing, shooting, the law [make sure it's worth it if you break it, know how to skirt it vs just follow the law]).
But OH and I talk, compromise and appreciate we're having different cultural backgrounds (OH is English, I'm not. But seeing as I'm also from Europe one might think there would be less differences. We actually enjoy these differences. Especially OH thinks they're incredibly interesting and has many fancy terms... ).

Anyhow, for example: OH's sister's DC is being bullied. Also somewhat phisically. My response: 'Hit then where it hurts'. SIL sat next to us and listened (I proceeded to explain /show a bit how to hit back). MIL comes: 'That's not how we deal with things like this. Go to a teacher.' I say that the teachers know and that it hasn't gotten better. MIL gives me nasty looks and say DC is better than that....

Said child isn't allowed around sharp knives. Ok, I'm not their parent I'd never interfere.
But I got my first dagger with around... 8? and had pocketknives before I went to school. My little brothers had their first daggers when they were much younger. We were taught how to handle them and hardly ever cut us and never somebody else. MIL would be apoplectic if she just heard about it.
Target shooting with a bow is also a perfectly normal activity in my family. Riding isn't seen as "so dangerous" either.... (guns are obviously not for children).
We've always known that meat comes from animals when we were little. Also because sometimes we were the one that killed the animal we were eating. My inlaws thought it was terribly morbid I accidentally called the beef we were eating a cow....

How do you guys deal with this? Does anybody else have similar experiences? Now that we're expecting LO MIL is trying to influence so much. She wants me to stop doing a sport I love after the birth, makes comments like:"one should never let a child do...." and glances at me meaningfully....

Plus MIL is soo concerned with appearance. Some names are 'bad', screaming children are a disgrace but dummies are ok (I'm of the opposite opinion) and she always gives me this stare. Or says: "we don't like this, do we, 1horatio?" whereas I'm just thinking: "we?!"

You sound brilliant. I think your child will grow up to be more confident and self sufficient than most British kids. I know 8 year olds who can't even make themselves a sandwich because their parents don't trust them to do it right. Your way sounds much better than british mollycoddling.

Your MIL is a dick.

I was brought up around guns and stuff (rural upbringing). I was shooting by 12. Had a knife by 8 or 9 after I'd proved I was responsible with it. If I hadn't have been it would have been taken off me.
I also had a pony and used to charge around the local countryside like a maniac on it.
I now live in a city and do none of those things. But I have every intention of my dd knowing about different ways to live and it all being fine.
And knowing what animal produces what meat is important. I'm 100% with you on that.

Oh when I say dagger I mean a Pfadidolch. It's a ''scout's dagger", you don't have these in the UK? (as i said, my MIL knows nothing about children using knives in Switzerland).

hippie yes I have kids - they are young though, so I only know about the life with older kids second hand.

Why I like it here - well first of course it helps that the country is rich, safe and clean.
But as for the things that frighten you, those are actually the things I like (I'm not British, and the Swiss way is very similar to my own upbringing). I like that children have a lot of independence, that they are encouraged to make decisions, learn how to sort out their issues with their friends and they are not always expecting adults to do that. (Schools are expected to help in case of bullying though.)

It's what the woman who wrote about French kids said, and I find it true - when I have Swiss or French friends visiting, they will just leave the kids to their own devices and have coffee. When I have British friends (recently moved, they usually adapt to local style) visiting, they will spend the time following their kids, checking what they are playing with, making sure they are not bored etc.

Mixed blessing but in Switzerland the village still raises the child, it's totally normal that all neighbours will keep an eye on kids roaming around and will happily tell them off. Nobody would post on local parenting pages that 'YABU to tell neighbour's kid off' - of course you would.

So yes, I like it. But if letting your 6-year old out to walk to school is causing you nightmares, you would probably not feel the same.

OP you don't have so much of a cultural problem but rude interfering MIL problem. Options smile, nod, ignore. Reply that 'Yes, very interesting, but we do it this way'. Or try the 'Did you mean to be so rude?' reply.

This thread is brilliant! As soon as I read the op I thought oh that sounds like my childhood.

I had my first pocket knife when I was 6 and my 5 year old lights the fires very safely at home, saws up wood and catches fish when we are out camping.

I am from a Swiss background and my English mil is horrified and has gifted us all kinds of safety equipment!!

The reality is that my children have these skills and have never been injured, as none of my family were growing up.

We just smile and carry on but when the children visit her they know they have to spend time watching TV and playing board games and not building things in the garden. Which is fine, nothing wrong with those activities.

Regarding fighting, we do encourage our children to sort out their differences, sometimes that ends with fighting but that is a sign of immaturity. We do teach our children how to defend themselves and when physical reaction is appropriate. I respect that some people feel a physical reaction is never appropriate. The only time I have used self defence is when I was attacked by strangers in the street and at that point I was very glad I knew where that strength was inside of me and how to channel it!

If the children fight over things like ludo or Lego we rarely intervene. They come out feeling sore, looking stupid and not getting what they want. They are learning that fighting doesn't work and we set a different example by talking through differences and ultimately children learn by example.

I find cultural differences fascinating and I think modern Britain is a great mix of cultures. I much prefer it for my family life than Switzerland. However I do value the Swiss way of allow children to connect with the natural environment and allowing children to learn somethings through experience.

I'm not sure your MIL would be more lenient if you were British, or what the story is, but she seems a bit of a pain. Equally, I read your thread about wedding food and I'm thinking....hmmmm, if it was my wedding I'd be so hurt if you brought your lunchbox!!!

Anyway, I would tilt my head and ask: did you mean to be so rude?next time she remarks on your hair/colour of clothes etc.
Also, there's nothing more satisfying than a cringeable british sunday lunch gone wrong. That's the one that seems to last the impression. My FIL used to make comments in the way of sunday lunch conversation and ask me if 'we people' have the same stuff in the supermarkets. If, since I am so settled here, would I class Britain as a more suitable environment to raise a child? He overtly dismissed my DD for being 'a girl' etc. Anyway, I sort of tried to keep the peace (and asked for STBXH support, which I didn't get, apparently 'that's just daddy') till one day I realised, hang on, I don't want my DD to see this!
So I hit back with the same articulate English and polite demeanour, seemingly unawares of the squirming at the table. I also accepted pudding.
Exh said he had it coming for years. I haven't heard of the man since. And guess what, exh didn't exactly trip over himself to go visit either, so no loss there.

Bat back my dear.
And also, you'll change yourself once you have the baby. But set boundaries :)

Hm... I do think my MIL is rude (but of course I do. Or else I'd be the problem... So, I'm lost likely pretty biased in assessing who the 'dick' in this situation is).

I like England. The people are nice and open, work is more relaxed and I like how it's equality wise for lgbt+ people.
Of course I have opinions on child rearing, especially when it concerns my child. Doesn't mean it has to be my way. As long as it's actually OH wanting something and not my MIL. And I'm honestly still not sure what's wrong with old chairs (they're really pretty chairs and much older than MIL. They deserve some peace and appreciation imo) or the toilet library...

So, I'm guessing it's a case of 2 incompatible personalities and cultural differences (saying MIL is a dick does make me feel good and smug but doesn't help the situation at all. Unfortunately. Or else I'd totally walk around chabting about her dickish ways... But yes, better not. If anything it has to be silent chanting. Also because OH obviously loves their mum).

Maybe I should have said something earlier. But as a child of divorced parents and somebody practicing law I'm supremely able to just not see what I do not want to see. It's probably also a characte flaw. i'm apparently temporary blind when it's time to take out the rubbish...

So, I guess seeing as up to now she was free to say all these things and I never reacted. Hmmm, might be a bit difficult.

It is okay to find your MIL annoying. Mine sounds very similar. I avoid contact with her as much as possible. The children visit her two out of three times alone with their Dad as I found myself coming home after a visit very stressed out and sometimes actually quite upset.

Not all Brits disagree with hitting back if a child is being bullied - my dad raised us to do so and I believe it is important that children can defend themselves and not be seen as victims or doormats.

As for your mil, she sounds like a nasty judgemental woman and the sooner you tell her to back off and mind her own business, the better. You don't need to spend time one on one with her or go to frequent Sunday lunches no matter what your oh thinks. If they want you to have a better relationship with mil, that starts with your oh telling mil to back off and not be so rude and disrespectful to your culture. My mum has 2 foreign dils and has managed not to be offensive or rude about their cultures. My mum is not generally at all tactful (although she is lovely and the best mum ever) so if she can do it, your mil can!

OH isn't ok with the idea of spending Sunday afternoons without me on a regular basis. Basically because Sundays are for family and 'you are family.'

Which is imo very lovely and I'm happy OH feels this way I'm not ok with the idea of LO and OH going to MIL every Sunday without me. Sunday is one of the days I'll be able to spend time with the LO....

Tactical war, dear OP. Openly sending the two over while you stay behing is not going to be good.
Instead, let me introduce you to the Sunday picnic with the other families with babies. Sunday festivals. Sunday traditions that involve long walks in the heat or whatever. But basically stuff that ILs are nit that much into. Of course they can come.

Oh, but I'm happy that some people don't seem to see my childhood as barbaric. I did grow up in one of the larger Swiss 'cities' (but everything is smaller in Switzerland, so it's probably more of a town). But hiking, gardening, fishing, camping, riding, going on farms etc was just normal for me.

And yes, fighting back when somebody gives you trouble. I still remember how a classmate and I were kicking each other and arguing. My dad just looked on and told me later to kick back harder... Which I did from thenonwards and it worked brilliantly. But apparently not in the UK. Which is ok, I guess. Though ino admittedly fundamentally wrong, seeing as I believe in the right to defend oneself. So... Yes. I'm wrapping my head around it. Just give me some time here.

8Fencing now that sounds really good. Have to ask OH how they feel about fishing! :D

horatio, I've got 19 years experience in this particular field😂

Ah, so you're an old rabbit (that's a literal translation. Maybe like an 'old hat'?)
I love walks and picnics and outdoorsy stuff! So yay:)!! (I won't suggest the shooting range, OH doesn't like it and I respect that. Plus I've never even been in the UK.)
So, with your vast experience, oh wise one, do you have an idea what's wrong with the reading material in the loo or our chairs? or more importantly, why one would even criticise that? It's furniture!!!
I'm still baffled, tbh.

You sound great, OP, but now you're living in the UK you need to work on your passive aggression skills.

And encourage your OH not to spend every Sunday with your MIL, that sounds infuriating.

Come again? What's the matter with having reading material in the loo?
My MIL has a chair in the bathroom, I don't, I have a sort of scandy looking bench, is that what you mean?

No, it's apparently the wrong reading material. And it's not glamour magazines or anything. There's also a book called 1000years of annyoing the French, which makes me even me feel very English
There's even a fashion magazine (some guest left it and we just decided to repurpose it). I feel like we have a lovely loo library...

There are no benches or chairs in the loo....

She's upset about the dining chairs. Apparently...

Cycling is a good one. Having young families wih lots of noisy babies for Sunday brunch. My personal favourite is : it might be contagious, it affects the elderly in a bad way. I had weeks of bliss when DD had chicken pox because I explained about the shingles. Etc etc etc. It gets easier.
But!!! Let her buy stuff for the baby. If you don't like it, make sure you say: that's for when you come at granny's and explain how wonderfully traditional this is. Clothes, dresses, let them, who cares, it makes them happy! I always hated pink and glitter, MIL raided M&S for pink shitty glitter stuff for years. I don't mind. But they grow out of it so quick. And I didn't mind putting on my DD a dress MIL bought whenever we met, that was fine. Let your child develop his/her own relationship with the in laws. Now DD and Granny have special shopping days out together and she came home with red doctor martens that granny probably died inside having to buy, but hey ho, I wasn't even there, I was reading in the garden with a pot of fresh coffee. Choose your battles. :)

Ok OP there is more info here now
I no longer see this as a dagger debate but you seem to have a MIL similar to me SIL

Good luck there. Stand your ground on important stuff. I hated this princesses stuff too and I rather played with my brother outdoors all the time.

So a few things you will have to let go or teach the kids you only do this at home.

In my hometown we were seen as a bit weird as we used chopsticks and we watched tv in English (yes, in my hometown in the 80s we were seen as very bohemian just because of that)

I loved it.

It is just that things like knives and the bullying addressing you will have to comply with the rules here

She sounds rude btw. I havent been to the hairdressers in years, I chop my own hair with kitchen scissors and nobody knows

Say something like 'I thought it was universal bad form to comment in one's taste'.
It's funny you say about the dinning room chairs. She insisted she buys us proper ones, I hated them. She also bought us the bed. I'm divorcing her son and her furniture. The intention was good. I went to ikea.

Your oh really ought to be dealing with the criticism of your furniture. It's beyond rude for her to be making comments about these things - it's not her house and not her business and it really is time she was told this!

OP hi! I think it is important your children are taught your culture and your OH's, I guess it's just a balancing act, MIL must just learn to respect your culture and vice versa!

On the subject of bullies, my son was being bullied, he must've been 6-8 at the time and bless him, he was scared of retaliating, until I give him permission to teach the bully a lesson they will never forget. He did, bully never bothered him again!

" She's upset about the dining chairs. Apparently..."

your furniture is really not her business! She needs telling !