Expecting first child.... I already see the problems with the inlaws starting. cultural differences, maybe also because of social issues or something else. How do you deal with it? Especially MIL??

[1horatio]

So, we're expexting :) OH is awesome. MIL is being difficult...
OH and I have many different opinions (from violence, the army, children and knives, open fires, fishing, shooting, the law [make sure it's worth it if you break it, know how to skirt it vs just follow the law]).
But OH and I talk, compromise and appreciate we're having different cultural backgrounds (OH is English, I'm not. But seeing as I'm also from Europe one might think there would be less differences. We actually enjoy these differences. Especially OH thinks they're incredibly interesting and has many fancy terms... ).

Anyhow, for example: OH's sister's DC is being bullied. Also somewhat phisically. My response: 'Hit then where it hurts'. SIL sat next to us and listened (I proceeded to explain /show a bit how to hit back). MIL comes: 'That's not how we deal with things like this. Go to a teacher.' I say that the teachers know and that it hasn't gotten better. MIL gives me nasty looks and say DC is better than that....

Said child isn't allowed around sharp knives. Ok, I'm not their parent I'd never interfere.
But I got my first dagger with around... 8? and had pocketknives before I went to school. My little brothers had their first daggers when they were much younger. We were taught how to handle them and hardly ever cut us and never somebody else. MIL would be apoplectic if she just heard about it.
Target shooting with a bow is also a perfectly normal activity in my family. Riding isn't seen as "so dangerous" either.... (guns are obviously not for children).
We've always known that meat comes from animals when we were little. Also because sometimes we were the one that killed the animal we were eating. My inlaws thought it was terribly morbid I accidentally called the beef we were eating a cow....

How do you guys deal with this? Does anybody else have similar experiences? Now that we're expecting LO MIL is trying to influence so much. She wants me to stop doing a sport I love after the birth, makes comments like:"one should never let a child do...." and glances at me meaningfully....

Plus MIL is soo concerned with appearance. Some names are 'bad', screaming children are a disgrace but dummies are ok (I'm of the opposite opinion) and she always gives me this stare. Or says: "we don't like this, do we, 1horatio?" whereas I'm just thinking: "we?!"

Really Katharina can you tell me why but first tell me if you were brought up there yourself? I'm asking because DH would love to live there with our children but for me, apart from the clean living and winter sports, I honestly am scared at the thought of my children walking to school alone, being bullied, that university will be decided (for the most part) at a very young age by their teachers.

I'm genuinely wondering if I am missing the good qualities of growing up there and a part of me is anxious that I have made the wrong decision for my children by not living there.

Why not... Hmm. The only reason is OH's work, tbh. OH will stay at home to look after LO but still write continue writing on research papers etc. There are obviously also unis in Switzerland. But no idea how one could transfer mid paper... So, maybe in 2 years. Who knows.

Well, it's not like Swiss people are like: yay, bullying.
Bug I've personally just neve seen that teacher interferance worked. I once threw a guy that was giving me a hard time into a wall (I was a tranfer student) and that was it... Obviously not because of something verbal. But new students are sometime sitting ducks, right?

Unfortunately these days if you fight back you also get in trouble, but I tell my DCs not to allow others to get away with hitting them. My DCs have never been in fights BTW.

My own mum used to tell me to hit anyone who hit me back and to hit them harder than they hit me to show them I wasn't a doormat. It worked.

Your SIL needs to get on to the school and make sure they are onto the case regarding her DC.

One of my DCs had a non physical bullying incident by other girls and I was at the school and they investigated the matter within a couple of hours. They were fantastic.

I agree you must stand up to bullies otherwise they see you as weak and just won't stop.

The knives are a definite NO in the UK. As a school governor I've had to permanently exclude children for being in possession of a knife even though they were not using it at the time. It's a painful thing because you know their education will suffer, but we have a zero tolerance in that regard.

Sorry Katharina just saw you are an expat? Please also say if you have children yourself?

University actually isn't decided from a very young age anymore. Nowadays it's 12, but with 16, 18 and even after job training one can get the qualifications to go to university.

What else...? One could for example become an accountant or nurse without university. I'd hobestly not worry about university. It's much more accessible for 'late bloomers' nowadays.

There are many 'brückenangebote' nowadays. So, even if they don't make it into university prep (the p gymnasium) they can later go to university.
Plus there are fachhochschulen, trade schools etc. They have sometimes a better reputation for certain things thab university.

Youd exclude children for owning a knive or for taking it to school? Are private schools more lenient?

The Swiss way of life has always sounded idyllic to me.
I recall finding FIL in the garden once with DC'S, an air rifle and a box at the end of the garden with a target drawn on it. I was more than a bit at first but they learned to respect guns and had a fabulous time with their grandad. He also taught them to whittle sticks and handle knives.

Neither grew into knife carrying, gun toting teens I'm pleased to report.

I actually think you are being a little unfair to your mil. She is not really criticising you but some of the things that will be normal and acceptable to your culture will be odd to those from the UK. It really is culture differences, doesn't mean your mil is wrong or being horrible or whatever.

No private schools would not be more lenient. Children cannot take dangerous implements to school. Why would they even want to do this? I've never taken a piece of fruit out and about with me that requires a knife to cut it open!

It might get better after baby is born and if you communicate with your mil about your culture. It's just finding a middle ground.

OP, it is illegal to carry a pointed knife. full stop. You are going to have to drop that one. www.gov.uk/buying-carrying-knives

AS for 'hit the bully back' actually I agree in some cases, just once, but it wont go down well. My son did it once, after weeks and weeks of verbal and physical abuse, and he got into terrible trouble.

I don't carry around knives (anymore).

Well, it's useful for apples, for example. And a few other things. I alsobused it to open bottles...

As for guns. I'd say usually Swiss people know how two handle them. But a friend of mine was once shot at during nigh hiking on a summer camp (with kids)... But that's really not usual!!! Sometimes a pony gets killed because a zealous hunter thinks it's a boar. But that's it.
Ah, my mil and I have our differences. Up to last we I was actually assuming we had a good relationship. Then I started analysing her behaviour... And nope. I wasn't even realising how rude she was being. And how I was just refusing to see how she treats me.

She also tries to police what I eat (there's a whole aibu thread about food and weddings), this isn't just about knives....

At least for my MIL it isn't just for knives.

I think you are winding us up OP. :) but carry on...... :)

Why did your son get into trouble? Isn't there a right tonselfdefense?

Btwsry for the spelling mistakes. I'm lying in bed with my mobile. I hate typing on my mobile and it keeps suggesting German words.

Huh? The ponies? Na, had actually cases like this in first year of lawschool. To judge error in persona and for priv law...

But I now know how to wind up MIL. Something I never tried or wanted to. But after this week?... :(

Change the language! You're a bit scary op - at least that might be how you seem to your mil.

" Isn't there a right to selfdefense? "

apparently not

You do sound a bit scary to us soft brits though...

It's not at all illegal to carry a knife. Read your own link. It's illegal to carry a knife without a good reason.

My kids learn to use knives at school. Starting at age 10. At that age they not nee their own but use schools and are taught to use them safely for wilderness type activities. At 11 they take their own knife to school when they are going on camps, though school does insist they are all kept within rucksacks which are stored together securely during the school day. My kids can eviserate a partridge, string a hog to roast, start a fire without matches and build themselves an adequate shelter from nothing more than a tarp and a few trees. I think it's great. And this is in the UK (though not a state school)

I'm not thaaat scary. I like the colour green, classical music and country music and I bake black forest cakes (and fruit and cream cakes). And I love pictures of kittens.
I'm also very calm. (at least around 90%) of the time.

I'm also not very tall. Why should I be scary? My MIL doesn't even know anything about the daggers/knives. Or walking alone to school. She does probably know about wood chopping. But that's not scary, right?

TJ
May I ask what kind of school this is? It sounds great!

DS uses knives at forest school and Scouts and has been taught to use all sorts of tools and blades by DH. But of course he isn't allowed to carry a knife around or take one to school. And I would absolutely support an exclusion if for some reason he forgot everything he'd been taught and decided to pop a knife in his school bag one day.

" It's not at all illegal to carry a knife. Read your own link. "

obviously I have read it
I have also sat in a police cell for seven hours for having a knife in my bag - trust me police don't want to know about 'good reasons'.

It sounds a bit like you're spoiling for a fight. No one knows what their kid will be like so it's kind of pointless to be creating controversies about knives and dummies at this point. I had a knife as a kid too (got the scars to prove it) but my kids just aren't interested.

I don't carry around knives, in the UK. I do think it's a bit of a hassle (for feuit related reasons.... But it's not that bad).

I can totally deal with it.

Sure, the LO wouldn't be allowed to bring the knive to school. But is learning to handle then really enough for social services to get involced? It just seems like.... Idk, I guess to me personally that's just wrong (sorry!).