Can't cope - had final child arrangements court hearing and can't cope with judgement. Pls help

[Hopeless100]

I have looked at mum's net before but never posted. Today however I need your help. Sorry if it long and rambling- I'm in a jumble and feel very depressed.

My soon to be ex husband and I have had trouble in our marriage over the last 2 years and in Dec I moved out of the family home. Long story short - he hasn't worked for 16 yrs, claimed he was house husband but isn't! We have 2 kids - 6 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old. He wasn't a househusband - tried lots of business ventures but didn't succeed. I was bread winner, kept house together and social secretary. Did everything for kids and am currently still on mat leave. I couldn't cope with that life anymore I wanted change and he wanted a divorce.

It got bitter and acrimonious and very nasty. I have a stable job, got a house with enough rooms for kids and am a good bet. He is unemployed, now lives in a 2 bed mortgage free house that his sister has bought him.

He took me to court over the kids and is also taking m le to court over finances. As far as the kids are concerned he wants an equal split - so one week him and then one week me. I basically said no. Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14.

He just did in court. The split is Monday and Tuesday with me, weds and Thursday with him and then alternate weekends staring from Friday.

I can't cope with the judgement. That means from weds morning handover I won't see my kids until Monday every other week. I just can't do it. I can't breathe. How am I so uniportant to their lives? I will be missng out on cuddles, what happened at school, homework- oh god so much stuff. Perhaps it wld be better if I weren't here at all. Apparently there is no appeal or reason to appeal. So my children now are tennis balls being batted between us. Suitcase children with no fixed abode. My son has no room of his own when he is at his dad's and I have a huge mortgage on a house that will be empty. What was the point. Where did I go wrong? How did I lose my kids? Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. I can't think straight. thanks for reading.

He hasn't bought anything for the kids since they were born- no toys no clothing. Everything is hand me down stuff from his over bearing sister. Days out and holidays are all organised by her. I just can't cope. Any advice really welcome.

OP you've had a horrible shock because you were badly advised and told that this wouldn't happen, so you've had no time to prepare yourself. Line up friends and family to support you and the DC for the next few days and try to take care of yourself.

Plenty of happy stories about 50:50 contact working out on this thread. You can and will cope.

My best friend (who is now 26) was raised by divorced parents in a 50/50 arrangement from the age of 2 and is super positive about it - she feels it gave her a really strong relationship with both parents. She had a room and stuff at both houses and never viewed one as "home" and one not.

She says she had fixed days when little and then as a teen started to drift more flexibly between the two homes. I've not noticed her having attachment issues or being damaged at all, and she absolutely is really close to both parents - we used to share a house and I got to know the whole family quite well.

flaming, that's a lovely post.

biblio Thank-you.

I hope things are easing a little for you hopeless, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about how I got through those early days when I felt exactly like you do now. (I did not go to court, I simply and reluctantly agreed to 50/50 because in the end I knew it would be the outcome if we went to court. but it was not because I wanted to agree).

It's sounds as if he's won something he doesn't actually want. If he offered you 6 nights in mediation that's probably all he wants.

Given his lazy workshy disposition, I'd say there's a strong possibility that he won't want to look after a 1 year old when the crunch comes. And that he might give up and hand them back to you for a larger % of the time.