Can't cope - had final child arrangements court hearing and can't cope with judgement. Pls help

[Hopeless100]

I have looked at mum's net before but never posted. Today however I need your help. Sorry if it long and rambling- I'm in a jumble and feel very depressed.

My soon to be ex husband and I have had trouble in our marriage over the last 2 years and in Dec I moved out of the family home. Long story short - he hasn't worked for 16 yrs, claimed he was house husband but isn't! We have 2 kids - 6 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old. He wasn't a househusband - tried lots of business ventures but didn't succeed. I was bread winner, kept house together and social secretary. Did everything for kids and am currently still on mat leave. I couldn't cope with that life anymore I wanted change and he wanted a divorce.

It got bitter and acrimonious and very nasty. I have a stable job, got a house with enough rooms for kids and am a good bet. He is unemployed, now lives in a 2 bed mortgage free house that his sister has bought him.

He took me to court over the kids and is also taking m le to court over finances. As far as the kids are concerned he wants an equal split - so one week him and then one week me. I basically said no. Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14.

He just did in court. The split is Monday and Tuesday with me, weds and Thursday with him and then alternate weekends staring from Friday.

I can't cope with the judgement. That means from weds morning handover I won't see my kids until Monday every other week. I just can't do it. I can't breathe. How am I so uniportant to their lives? I will be missng out on cuddles, what happened at school, homework- oh god so much stuff. Perhaps it wld be better if I weren't here at all. Apparently there is no appeal or reason to appeal. So my children now are tennis balls being batted between us. Suitcase children with no fixed abode. My son has no room of his own when he is at his dad's and I have a huge mortgage on a house that will be empty. What was the point. Where did I go wrong? How did I lose my kids? Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. I can't think straight. thanks for reading.

He hasn't bought anything for the kids since they were born- no toys no clothing. Everything is hand me down stuff from his over bearing sister. Days out and holidays are all organised by her. I just can't cope. Any advice really welcome.

Another one who thinks this doesn't seem in best interests of a 1 year old if you've been with them since birth on mat leave as primary caregiver....

Am heartened to read, though, about how well co parenting and 50/50 works out for so many and have seen it in rl with DB and his ex who both did things very differently.

Go easy with yourself over next few days and weeks OP. As well as shock, you had this hanging over you for some time, so ongoing stress, on top of being the 'responsible one' for so many years, keeping it all together and the toll it took might be coming out now too.

Lots of for you

I can see 50:50 working well for older children. I can, and my brother has that with his ex for their 2. It's fine.

I just can't envisage it for the 1yo at this point.

Just to clear one thing up:

OP's ex was not and is not the primary carer. Older DC was in full time nursery while ex tried various business ventures. Now in school. Younger DC is under 1 and OP still on mat leave.

OP I think nellie gives good advice. Keep calm, keep to the moral high ground and do your best to make it work. But keep records of any times when ex H cocks it up. If after some time he is still cocking up a lot there may be some scope for change.

OP I so so so hear where you are coming from.

My life is a little like this. I have DS Tuesday, Wednesday and EOW plus I collect him from school 1 Monday and 1Thursday a month.

Its hard. I cant pretend to you that it isn't. My life has been this way for 2 years now and I can't say I'm used to it. I'm always happiest when ds is with me.

However - ds is flourishing. He is doing very well at school, he has a fantastic relationship with his dad, and because he isn't with either of us full time we both make a big effort to make him happy when he is with us - ds never sees tired mummy or snappy mummy, only thrilled to see him mummy. I plan activities, we have an amazing time together, because I do have time to myself now as well life is a lot less overwhelming.

Sometimes, what is best for us isn't necessarily what is best for our kids, as sad as that is. You may find that your ex struggles on his own and asks you in the future to change the arrangements.

All you can do is show your kids the best part of you, be brave, and have faith that it'll all work out. PM me if you want to

Doesn't 50:50 mean he won't get any maintenance from you either?

I am so sorry. You must be feeling devastated right now.

I would echo nellieellie's last point above. A friend of mine was in the same situation as you are now. She had a deadbeat husband who when they divorced took a huge chunk of money off her. He had moved into her house, stole her savings and even then she had to pay him when they divorced less than two years after they married. Unfortunately he had the better solicitor for both the divorce and the custody hearing. You might want to find a new one.

Like your ex this one also demanded an almost 50/50 split despite the fact that, also like your ex, he had never been an interested father. My friend was convinced he fought for 50/50 just to spite her.

After about a month he got rather bored with having to curtail his activities to look after a toddler full-time so kept wanting to change the arrangements so the toddler spent less time with him. These were often but not always last minute requests and as much as my friend desperately wanted to be with her DC she just refused every time saying it wasn't possible as she had made other arrangements and had other commitments.

After two months she suggested that he might prefer a long weekend every other week and some holiday time and he was only too happy to agree to it. If your ex gets bored with the responsibility of looking after his children for so much time maybe he will do the same.

It's encouraging that so many posters have said that they can make a 50/50 arrangement work but I really don't think it is ideal, especially for such a young baby when he's clearly not a hands-on father.

I do think one year old is very young for a child - baby really - to be half time with someone other than their mother. Mine breastfed morning and night well past 12 months. they could have done without it, of course, it wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't. But they were still very much physically my babies, sharing my body, at that age, in a way they weren't with their father, ever. now that our relationship is more emotional and social than physical I think we are more equal parents - we do very different things though, but that's just because exP and I are different people. (and he still doesn't do anything practical he doesn't want to or find boring! but that's another rant.) he did teach them to ride their bikes which I would have found more difficult, for instance)

I think we have slightly lost sight of a very particular mother / baby bond which lasts a lot longer than the first few weeks or months. As a society. And I think it is for all the right reasons - because fathers are parents too. But it just isn't the same with babies.

I am not saying that because I am a broody type who has wanted all my life to have babies on my lap and in my bed. In fact I prefer spending time with children to babies, and I found the baby years incredibly hard. But it is still true, whether I, or anyone else, likes it or not

Howbad I went back to work at 13 months and that meant 3-4 nights away every other week because of my job. My baby was breastfeeding twice a night. She continued to do so when I was home - when she was 3 and 4.
Absence doesn't have to end the breastfeeding relationship.

Although my daughter was primarily attached to me, her relationship with her father would have been more important than breastfeeding at that age. The physical and emotional benefit of it was less than the emotional benefit of a strong bond with her father.

My daughter has a much better relationship with her father, I believe, because of my working away and then - mostly (sadly) - because of divorce.

Children who feel loved by and safe with both parents can easily substitute one for the other.

I think they should warn mums that there is a lot to lose now fathers have more say.

Why shouldn't 'fathers have more say'?

My DH has 50/50 with his exW.

It does work well although was hard to start with.

Living between two houses is far from an ideal way to provide a stable home for children. That's my opinion. The OP asked for opinions. I'm getting a bit fed up of people who have a go just because somebody dares to disagree with them.

Im shocked at proples responses to this Op.

Would people read posts propley before replying?

Op i really feel for you. Hopefully your ex will find the reality of caring for 2 young children is bloody hard work & he won't be so keen after a few weeks...

The dc don't have a room in his house.
Hes not worked in 9 years nor cared for tbe dc whilst Op worked

Hes a proper piss taker!

Op look after yourself.

People think before uou post...

Surely any child of divorced parents has to "live between two houses"?

Very true.

I also wonder about how parents know the DC will be unsettled/disturbed/not like it/will cause emotional issues.
How do they know this if they haven't tried it?

I think more often than not it is the parents fears and worries that are the real issue with 50-50 they just use the tag lines "they (DC) need a stable home/routine/they will be unsettled/it will cause them problems" to justify their refusal and dislike of 50-50 residency.

Hopefully your ex will find the reality of caring for 2 young children is bloody hard work & he won't be so keen after a few weeks

That however would be selfish.

Surely for her DC sake you would hope that he steps up to the plate.

People think before uou post... hmm

Oooh hello thread police

I have read the thread as have the others I imagine. Nobody is saying he is father of the year ffs. What people are saying is that 50-50 can work and isn't always the end of the world.
The court has awarded it and the best thing the OP can do is manage the new arrangement the best she can. Many posters have given their experiences of when dad's actually go from 50-50 to EOW so she should just hold out as her ex may find the reality too much.
On the other hand he may just step up and be a proper father when OP is no longer around to manage his parenting for him.

As a child of divorce myself I think 50:50 could well work better than EOW, which was the standard back when my parents got divorced. I was very close to my dad when I was little, but only seeing him for 2/14 days really had a major impact on our relationship and by my teenage years we communicated very badly indeed. This was in part due to the bitch woman he married, but it was also because we spent so little time together. We became strangers to one another.

I entirely sympathise OP with the situation you find yourself in, particularly with your youngest being so very little. In the long run though it could work out okay and if your ex gets fed up you might get the arrangement you wanted by default. Give it time, for yourself and this situation to take root. Hopefully it won't be too bad for any of you.

He hasnt botheted his arse in 9 years to or in the last 6 years since the dc have been around.
Why do you reckon he will now?

The court made the decision based on the father being the SAHM but he wasn't...

I really hope he steps up becomes an equal parent suddenly, after 6 years ...

On the other hand he may just step up and be a proper father when OP is no longer around to manage his parenting for him.

Absolutely this.

Some people are just better off apart, and the dc flourish having equal time with both parents in separate homes

Kitty thread police? Its called having an opionion!

Kitty thread police? Its called having an opionion!

Yes and we gave ours but according to you are opinions were wrong and we hadn't read the thread.

Have your opinion Peppa but don't try and police others. If you can't take it don't dish it out dear. HTH

Can he really cope with the 1 year old.?

Just wait and see how long he manages. Many men get 50/50 and realise they can't do it.

If your DS has no bedroom can you use that to get more time and come up with how it could affect him having no personal space and sleeping on the sofa.