Can't cope - had final child arrangements court hearing and can't cope with judgement. Pls help

[Hopeless100]

I have looked at mum's net before but never posted. Today however I need your help. Sorry if it long and rambling- I'm in a jumble and feel very depressed.

My soon to be ex husband and I have had trouble in our marriage over the last 2 years and in Dec I moved out of the family home. Long story short - he hasn't worked for 16 yrs, claimed he was house husband but isn't! We have 2 kids - 6 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old. He wasn't a househusband - tried lots of business ventures but didn't succeed. I was bread winner, kept house together and social secretary. Did everything for kids and am currently still on mat leave. I couldn't cope with that life anymore I wanted change and he wanted a divorce.

It got bitter and acrimonious and very nasty. I have a stable job, got a house with enough rooms for kids and am a good bet. He is unemployed, now lives in a 2 bed mortgage free house that his sister has bought him.

He took me to court over the kids and is also taking m le to court over finances. As far as the kids are concerned he wants an equal split - so one week him and then one week me. I basically said no. Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14.

He just did in court. The split is Monday and Tuesday with me, weds and Thursday with him and then alternate weekends staring from Friday.

I can't cope with the judgement. That means from weds morning handover I won't see my kids until Monday every other week. I just can't do it. I can't breathe. How am I so uniportant to their lives? I will be missng out on cuddles, what happened at school, homework- oh god so much stuff. Perhaps it wld be better if I weren't here at all. Apparently there is no appeal or reason to appeal. So my children now are tennis balls being batted between us. Suitcase children with no fixed abode. My son has no room of his own when he is at his dad's and I have a huge mortgage on a house that will be empty. What was the point. Where did I go wrong? How did I lose my kids? Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. I can't think straight. thanks for reading.

He hasn't bought anything for the kids since they were born- no toys no clothing. Everything is hand me down stuff from his over bearing sister. Days out and holidays are all organised by her. I just can't cope. Any advice really welcome.

I framed it positively for my eldest. Young one hasn't a clue. I told her that come September she will spend more time with daddy. She seemed fine with it but I think September is such a long way off it means nothing. I said did she want it to start now and she said no. She just wants us back together as it was. But that can never happen.

We have a 50-50 split, 4 days each (exes shift pattern) and it works well.
It was very hard for me in the beginning as I was primary carer and there everyday of their lives. That said ex is an amazing father and adores his DC so they deserve to be with him as much as they are with me.

It is difficult for you now as you were not expecting it but once you are calm you need to remember contact is not about you it's about the children. You say he was useless and never did anything with them but he was still there everyday all day and that does matter.

In regards to the money if you can support yourself financially then he can claim benefits. Ex earns 3 times what I do so I claim which allows me to provide for the DC. Ex would not dream of making this an issue as he wants the DC to be financially supported as they are what matters.

Ex does things differently to me and that's fine I stay out of his contact time and he stays out of mine. The children are well adjusted to having 2 homes and I think this is because we the parents are relaxed, not arguing and co parent well.
I hope you see the positives and fairness of 50-50 as how you behave/conduct yourself is what will impact on your children.

A six year old will have no concept of the time between now and September.

Why does the arrangement not start until September? That's daft, just get on with it if that's whats going to happen.

Of course she wants things as they were, normal reaction.

Hers are not the choices to make really. The sooner it starts the sooner if becomes Normal

It sounds like he has really good support from his sister - maybe she'll help him a lot and he'll learn to be the dad they deserve. You're upset - of course you are - but your job for today is finding the support you need so you can fake it in front of your children.

Hang on ,op. We adjust because we have to. Hope he does not get money from you as he has equal time .There are pros and cons in everything and you and your dcc will have such a lovely time together.And he may decide he cannot hack it and you will find this judgement changing.You are well rid of the leach,I think.

Your children are not hard done by because they get to spend equal time with both parents. In fact they are quite fortunate imo.

The term "suitcase" child makes me really uncomfortable and as someone who has a "suitcase" child it makes me a little angry that people use that term as a slight, there is nothing wrong with packing a bag to go see a parent in another home. It is not their fault the parents have split and the law should not favour time with one parent above another (except in extreme cases of abuse etc)

I also have 3 dss who live 50/50, both homes have everything they need so no reason to pack a bag - perhaps you should organise that situatiom with ex?

Right now I expect you're still getting over your split and now to have someone rule on the fact that you won't have your children FT is hurtful. But you need to take your feelings out of it I'm afraid. You are both parents and the children deserve to spend equal amounts of time with both and if this can't be done as a couple then this is the next best thing.

Your children will be fine. You will be amazed at the resilience

Fwiw - my dd who sees her dad once a week longs to see him more every day but he is unable to. This makes me sad.

The dss just go about their business and know where they need to be each week, this is because they have a routine and are used to it

It's actually reassuring to hear how many of you have this set up working. I guess I am in shock and reading through grief. Perhaps this is fortune best for the kids - even if it's completely heart breaking for me.

The September start was dictated by court not by me. Agreed start now wld make the new normal quicker.

I think that's incredibly rough, especially with the little one, while you're still on maternity leave! In fact, I would try and appeal against it on those grounds - I simply don't understand how the judge has agreed to those terms!

So sorry

He has 50% custody and he will need to step up and organise and take care of his children. It will not be your responsibility to provide clothes, toys, etc. during their time with him.

You can't control their time with him.

Focus on your mental health and having the support you need in place to cope. I know this is hard but be strong for your children.

These court orders are a pain - children are not parcels to be apportioned to the adults around them. There is no reason why a child should want to go to a particular parent on a particular day - they might have other things on that make it not possible, especially as they get older. Perfectly ridiculous. They should have a say.

It's actually reassuring to hear how many of you have this set up working. I guess I am in shock and reading through grief. Perhaps this is fortune best for the kids - even if it's completely heart breaking for me.

I was lost at first and had no idea what to do when the DC were at dads. That soon changed. I now have hobbies, a social life and quiet time . I had none of those things when I was full time with DC.
I love my children very much but I now value my child free time and in some ways I think it has made me a better and more patient parent.

50-50 doesn't have to be a bad result for any of the family. It's how you deal with it and how you parent that will have a positive affect on the children.

Although 50/50 is becoming more normal I really don't think its appropriate for a one year old, neither did the child psychiatrist who was at mediation with me and my ex. Very small children need a stable home and secure attachment to their primary caregiver. Why can't you appeal?

Having had a 50:50 split ( ours didn't work for complex reasons) when your DC are away it is important to be busy. At first I cleaned in a frenzy. Then I learnt to crochet and joined a choir both of which have great mindfulness benefits. The choir also helped as I made new friends who had not know me as a married person.
Tiny steps are what is needed, it hurts dreadfully at first, but gradually gets better.
I always put on a super smiley face and said have a lovely time etc.

As others have said when it was 50:50 DD had clothes etc in both houses so there was never any suitcase packing to do. Very occasionally the wrong clothes were in the wrong place, but only occasionally,
If my Ex had been sensible 50:50 would have worked, but sadly he wasn't and it didn't work as DD never knew which of three houses she would be staying in. He immediately formed a blended family some of time which also didn't help.

Several of my friends have 50/50 custody and it works great. Kids love it and have great relationships with both parents One of my friends took it very hard but she adjusted quickly and now on her child free weekends she sees her friends etc.

As PP have said it's what's best for the children that counts

I have a similar set up. I love my child free time now. I have hobbies & do things that I could never have done whilst I was either still married, or doing 100% of care.

Try to remind yourself the children are not "yours" or "his" - they aren't possessions.

I feel for you OP. Try and stay strong

I'm so sorry. I think that sort of arrangement sounds very disruptive for dc. It might work ok for older children, but your younger is still a baby! That's incredibly unfair.

and hugs to you.

I just wanted a stable home for them and a review when they were older. I know they're not possessions - I just wanted what was best for them and right now I think 50/50 is entirely fair on the adults - I'm just not sure it's fair on the kids. Not right now. But I guess I'm wrong.

I think are in shock and will need time to process the loss.Words such as he has 'won' aren't helpful to you as it makes into fight.The acrimony is what causes damage to children not that parents separate.

Your ex will be in a good position to parent as he will have resources.I know it feels like you have losses, time with your children and money however you can rebuild money.

In some years you will be able to look back and realise you have coped well.The key is to not retain bitterness that will destroy you and your children.

My dh's ex 'lost' in court, even though it was EOW, she had failed to accept mediation.Her reaction post judgement was shocking, her bitterness made it all about her which impacted the children.

Take time, grieve but know that your children and you will be ok.I would recommend mindfulness or some relaxation techniques.

Things will get better !
I do 50:50 with my ex for our three.
It was very hard at first as there was sadness and resentments all round at the start.

Even better, ex and I are now friends.