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Original poster

Can't cope - had final child arrangements court hearing and can't cope with judgement. Pls help

155 replies

Hopeless100 · 17/06/2016 07:05

I have looked at mum's net before but never posted. Today however I need your help. Sorry if it long and rambling- I'm in a jumble and feel very depressed.

My soon to be ex husband and I have had trouble in our marriage over the last 2 years and in Dec I moved out of the family home. Long story short - he hasn't worked for 16 yrs, claimed he was house husband but isn't! We have 2 kids - 6 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old. He wasn't a househusband - tried lots of business ventures but didn't succeed. I was bread winner, kept house together and social secretary. Did everything for kids and am currently still on mat leave. I couldn't cope with that life anymore I wanted change and he wanted a divorce.

It got bitter and acrimonious and very nasty. I have a stable job, got a house with enough rooms for kids and am a good bet. He is unemployed, now lives in a 2 bed mortgage free house that his sister has bought him.

He took me to court over the kids and is also taking m le to court over finances. As far as the kids are concerned he wants an equal split - so one week him and then one week me. I basically said no. Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14.

He just did in court. The split is Monday and Tuesday with me, weds and Thursday with him and then alternate weekends staring from Friday.

I can't cope with the judgement. That means from weds morning handover I won't see my kids until Monday every other week. I just can't do it. I can't breathe. How am I so uniportant to their lives? I will be missng out on cuddles, what happened at school, homework- oh god so much stuff. Perhaps it wld be better if I weren't here at all. Apparently there is no appeal or reason to appeal. So my children now are tennis balls being batted between us. Suitcase children with no fixed abode. My son has no room of his own when he is at his dad's and I have a huge mortgage on a house that will be empty. What was the point. Where did I go wrong? How did I lose my kids? Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. I can't think straight. thanks for reading.

He hasn't bought anything for the kids since they were born- no toys no clothing. Everything is hand me down stuff from his over bearing sister. Days out and holidays are all organised by her. I just can't cope. Any advice really welcome.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 17/06/2016 13:30

fuckincuntbuggerinarse my exdh was the one who worked, I did all the child and house related tasks including everything to do with annual holidays/parties/birthdays ect.
He has, for the last 2 years since we split, done all of those things when the DC are with him. He still works the same hours and shifts but because I'm not there to do it he does. He is a good father but if you would have asked me that 3 years ago I would have said great provider meh father. He changed because he had to.

Cleo1303 · 17/06/2016 13:32

Not every child of divorced parents has to "live" between houses. Many children spend most of the time (school days usually) with one parent and every other weekend (Friday evening to Sunday evening) with the absent parent, as well as up to half the holidays. They have one family "base" and another "second home" to visit. DD has friends whose parents are divorced and this is how they all do it. None of her friends are spending 50% with one and 50% with the other.

I feel really sorry for young children who have to cope with this. Teenagers might be cool about it, but should younger children really be shuffled from pillar to post?

I was divorced a long time ago and had no children with my Ex. He subsequently re-married and divorced a year after that and the marriage had produced a baby. He then met someone else and they fought for custody of the baby - at the same time as they were telling their friends they didn't want custody because they enjoyed a childless lifestyle but were having the legal fight for the fun of it!

fuckincuntbuggerinarse · 17/06/2016 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLaRoux · 17/06/2016 13:33

If your DS has no bedroom can you use that to get more time and come up with how it could affect him having no personal space and sleeping on the sofa.

Oh dear I have 4 DC in a 3 bedroom house!! Quick call SS I am clearly damaging my children because they share a room. Maybe I shouldn't have them live with me at all Hmm

Seriously children can share a bedroom. That is no reason to deny shared care.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2016 13:45

Be on the lookout for any signs of neglect with the baby like nappy rash after the days he has them.

Does he have a cot and all other safety measures like a stairgate in place?

What you need to do is give yourself a break and make good of the time he has the kids.

Start investing time in yourself

PurpleThursday · 17/06/2016 13:45

Just wanted to say that I really feel for you OP and for what it's worth I don't think it is in the children's best interests - given his previous lifestyle and behaviour as a father.

Cleo1303 · 17/06/2016 13:47

Fair enough. "Dad's house" is what DD's friends call their other parent's home.

Atenco · 17/06/2016 13:49

I am from an older generation and had to raise my dd by myself. I don't regret a minute of it, but I was never able to go out on a date, have a childfree time with my friends, etc.

The first time I sent her to spend Christmas with her grandparents, I did very little, just house repairs and then I caught myself on. The next time she went away I had a great time.

fuckincuntbuggerinarse · 17/06/2016 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLaRoux · 17/06/2016 13:54

Be on the lookout for any signs of neglect with the baby like nappy rash after the days he has them.

So now he's a neglectful parent? Where has that come from?
I suppose if the OP had got what she wanted, eow,you wouldn't be telling her to watch out for signs of neglect Confused

I would imagine given that the OP works that the ex has at some point needed to care for the first DC when they were a baby so I doubt he is clueless of neglectful. Lazy yes neglectful no.

JuliannalovesCliveBixby · 17/06/2016 14:08

If he really isn't that bothered about doing things with the kids now, it will go one of two ways: He will step up and be a decent parent, or he'll opt out of some of the contact. Then a little more. Then more. My ex went for option two. It was clear he was just trying to get equal residency to stick it to me.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 17/06/2016 14:09

My babies always had nappy rash if I wasn't having my usual level of contact with them for a day or two. It's not an insane suggestion.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2016 14:15

My babies always had nappy rash if I wasn't having my usual level of contact with them for a day or two. It's not an insane suggestion.

^^ Thank you Howbad

FWIW laziness with young children can amount to neglect. If you're too lazy to feed them or change nappies, that is neglect.

deVelvet · 17/06/2016 14:17

Yes but any child can have nappy rash?

My dd had nappy rash in my care, xp didn't march round calling neglect

feathermucker · 17/06/2016 14:18

Perhaps it's the shock that's causing you to use the words you have when describing the result of the court case?!

Otherwise, you're massively overreacting and some of the words/ terminology you've used are just silly!

Gather your thoughts and try and make this work, but don't set it up to fail already by catastrophising.

Flowers
HowBadIsThisPlease · 17/06/2016 14:24

deVelvet, it's tricky to express because yes, any child can have nappy rash (and some are more prone than others), and a little bit of TV never killed anyone, and who doesn't like a sweet treat now and then as part of a balanced diet, and learning to self soothe can be a good thing, if managed in a balanced way with kindness, and and and and and.... BUT. for any given individual mother who knows HER baby, she KNOWS whether the baby's father doesn't change them often enough, puts the TV on too often, dishes out sweet snacks instead of cuddling or distracting through teething or boredom, can't be arsed to get out of bed when the baby is crying... and pretending that never happens is just living in cloud cuckoo land

CoolforKittyCats · 17/06/2016 14:30

The court made the decision based on the father being the SAHM but he wasn't

How on earth do you know that!

Where you there?

Arborea · 17/06/2016 14:30

OP, I wish you courage to face this unexpected development. I can imagine that it may feel like the carpet has been pulled out from under you.

Please be assured that the question in the judge's mind wasn't 'which parent is the more deserving of these children?'. It honestly is not about that, or about 'rewarding' your ex. I think some previous posters are viewing developments through that sort of filter, and it just isn't helpful.

The judge has ordered a shared care arrangement to reflect the children's need to have as full a relationship as possible with both of you. Give it time, allow yourself to feel the entirely natural anger and disappointment, and I sincerely hope that you can find a way to cope (and that your ex copes with stepping up as he will have to).

DistanceCall · 17/06/2016 14:37

Children need their fathers too.

I'm sorry that you have had such a shock. But the judge's decision means that your children spend 50% of their time with their father and 50% with you - that's not being "unimportant" in their lives.

Their father may have a different parenting style from yours. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

And you really should not turn your children into the only thing in your life (for your sake and for your children's sake). If you cannot breathe at the thought of not seeing them for one week, I think you should talk to a professional to help you. (And I don't mean this unkindly. I often say that therapy saved my life).

KittyLaRoux · 17/06/2016 14:37

HowBadIsThisPlease Fri 17-Jun-16 14:09:53
My babies always had nappy rash if I wasn't having my usual level of contact with them for a day or two. It's not an insane suggestion.

I hope you stopped any contact with that person immediately and called the police or SS for neglecting the child Hmm

FWIW laziness with young children can amount to neglect. If you're too lazy to feed them or change nappies, that is neglect.

CAN amount to neglect CAN not does not is but CAN. You are making a massive judgement.

I have had days where I am a lazy parent. I allow longer TV/IPad time than normal, I provide food by way of a take away, I strip wash instead of bath them. I suppose in your eyes that makes me a neglectful parent. Meh so be it.

I don't think encouraging the OP to seek out neglect of her children to increase her claim for the split she wants is productive at all. There are children involved who will love their father and want to be around him despite the spiteful attitude of the parents. Surely it is only fair on them that they get the opportunity to see both parents equally?

SandyY2K · 17/06/2016 14:41

My dd had nappy rash in my care, xp didn't march round calling neglect

If the nappy rash was only ever in your care and was more than the standard normal nappy rash, then one would have to ask why it only ever happens when the baby was with you don't you think.

The nappy rash was just one example, because I've had divorced mums complaining that every time their Ex has the kids they have nappy rash and are red raw.

My own DCs had nappy rash at some point, so I'm not suggesting that in isolation is neglect. You have to look at the whole picture.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2016 14:45

He's 6. The baby is a year. He can share a . To use that as an excuse to get more time is ridiculous

Share with a crying baby (a lot of 1 year old don't sleep through the night) and have sleep disturbed when going to school the next day.

Perhaps dad should share with the baby and let DS have his own room.

prettywhiteguitar · 17/06/2016 14:46

See how it goes and listen to the children, I can't imagine the 1year old being able to be away from you for a week, what was the judge thinking ??? I would imagine it's hard to enforce contact, you hear of dads being given contact and then not taking it up, I'm not sure how enforceable it is.

KittyLaRoux · 17/06/2016 14:46

If the nappy rash was only ever in your care and was more than the standard normal nappy rash, then one would have to ask why it only ever happens when the baby was with you don't you think.

Shock Are you actually calling develvet neglectful? Wow that is pretty low Sandy and frankly you have a damn nerve. You are not only judging the parenting of a man you don't know you are judging the parenting of a poster based on her child having nappy rash!

Cleo1303 · 17/06/2016 15:02

fuckin I don't know about your children obviously. I was just repeating what DD's friends say if, for example, they are trying to arrange to meet up, i.e. "I'll be at Dad's/Dad's house this weekend" meaning that they won't be at the house they consider to be "home". That is no reflection on their fathers at all and it's not disrespectful. They just consider the place where they spend most of their time and where they keep most of their belongings and general clutter to be "home".