Can't cope - had final child arrangements court hearing and can't cope with judgement. Pls help

[Hopeless100]

I have looked at mum's net before but never posted. Today however I need your help. Sorry if it long and rambling- I'm in a jumble and feel very depressed.

My soon to be ex husband and I have had trouble in our marriage over the last 2 years and in Dec I moved out of the family home. Long story short - he hasn't worked for 16 yrs, claimed he was house husband but isn't! We have 2 kids - 6 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old. He wasn't a househusband - tried lots of business ventures but didn't succeed. I was bread winner, kept house together and social secretary. Did everything for kids and am currently still on mat leave. I couldn't cope with that life anymore I wanted change and he wanted a divorce.

It got bitter and acrimonious and very nasty. I have a stable job, got a house with enough rooms for kids and am a good bet. He is unemployed, now lives in a 2 bed mortgage free house that his sister has bought him.

He took me to court over the kids and is also taking m le to court over finances. As far as the kids are concerned he wants an equal split - so one week him and then one week me. I basically said no. Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14.

He just did in court. The split is Monday and Tuesday with me, weds and Thursday with him and then alternate weekends staring from Friday.

I can't cope with the judgement. That means from weds morning handover I won't see my kids until Monday every other week. I just can't do it. I can't breathe. How am I so uniportant to their lives? I will be missng out on cuddles, what happened at school, homework- oh god so much stuff. Perhaps it wld be better if I weren't here at all. Apparently there is no appeal or reason to appeal. So my children now are tennis balls being batted between us. Suitcase children with no fixed abode. My son has no room of his own when he is at his dad's and I have a huge mortgage on a house that will be empty. What was the point. Where did I go wrong? How did I lose my kids? Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. I can't think straight. thanks for reading.

He hasn't bought anything for the kids since they were born- no toys no clothing. Everything is hand me down stuff from his over bearing sister. Days out and holidays are all organised by her. I just can't cope. Any advice really welcome.

OP is obviously very distressed today and I don't think the attitude of some posters along the lines of, "I had to get on with it and so will you" is very kind or helpful.

"I had to get on with it and so will you" is very kind or helpful.

Not one poster has said that.
Not one poster has even alluded to that.
What posters have said is "it gets easier with time" "some dads can't cope and reduce the contact back to eow" "take the time for yourself op, do things just for you" "we have 50-50 and it works well, the DC are well adjusted".
Stop making stuff up Cleo. It makes you look silly.

See how it goes and listen to the children, I can't imagine the 1year old being able to be away from you for a week

Of course they can be.

I would imagine it's hard to enforce contact, you hear of dads being given contact and then not taking it up, I'm not sure how enforceable it is.

You seriously are suggesting OP ignores the judge and court order?

I'm saying if the 1 year old is upset I think I would firstly try to reason with your ex and then either go to mediation it back to court.

My 1year old would not be separated away from me for that long

Or take it back to court

It is interesting to read the parents that have these 50/50 arrangements and how brilliant they think they are. Surely one size doesn't fit all? It would also be interesting to hear what their DC's have to say about the situation in a few years time - not now. I know my description of my emotions as a child of my parents divorce and ongoing access arrangements are very different to my description now.

It would also be interesting to hear what their DC's have to say about the situation in a few years time - not now.

My DSC feel that it was best situation.

They have said in the past it would have felt like favouring one parent over the other if it had been different.

I never said it was brilliant. I said it works.

My children are old enough and gobby enoughto express how they feel. We have asked them and obviously they would rather they had mum and dad together but that is not the reality so for them, seeing mum and dad as much as possible is the best thing. Will this affect them in future life....probably but then again only seeing one of two loving parents a few times per month would also have a negative affect on them so it's not best one way or the other.

50-50 is what the judge has ordered for the OP. Unless she has serious welfare concerns the best option for the OP is to manage it calmly and try not to let her upset and shock affect the DC.

wasps how old are the DSC now?

I certainly felt forced to spend time with one parent otherwise it wouldn't have been 'fair' on them. Now I can see the emotional manipulation that was going on. I couldn't then - but I could feel the emotional chewedupness.

Every situation can work kitty based on it's own individual circumstances. That is all I am saying - it should not be automatic 50/50, all circumstances and the child's best interests should be put first. From wanting the baby aborted to Father of the Year is quite a leap.

Of course barbarian that is the point I'm trying to make. I don't think it should be automatic 50/50 and I think if judges are going to make such serious rulings they should look closely at the details and rule accordingly depending on each individual situation. This guy hadn't even asked for 50/50 I don't think had he?

The OP is on Maternity Leave for a baby that she wants to spend time with and he didn't even want. The judges decision does not make sense.

This guy hadn't even asked for 50/50 I don't think had he?

He must have done. Read the OP she states "Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14."
Which would suggest he had asked for 50-50.

The judges decision does not make sense.

How do we know what went on in court? We only have the OP's word that he is a shit father. How many posts have we read from women who state their ex claims to all who listen that she is a bad mum, unstable, cannot provide for the DC, money grabbing, gold digging........

Given that we do not know all the details the best advice for the OP is not to search for neglect to remove the children from his care . It is not to point out how damaged her children will be because of 50-50 . Maybe the best advice is keep calm. Follow what's in place. Take time for yourself and if things do change revisit court but don't rush in head on.

The OP is on maternity leave but she said the youngest is nearly 1, and the arrangement isn't in force until September. So that looks very likely that the judge has not ordered it to start during her maternity leave.

I am really sorry for the OP, it is horrible not having your child all the time. But I don't think comments about 'abortion to father of the year' are very helpful to her. There are many women who post on the very board who are unsure about whether to abort and then decide to progress the pregnancy.

It is even more unfair when a father have previously been lazy. But if - as it did in my case - it forces the father to step up - then it is better for the child.

I want my daughter 100%, I hate that I don't have her, I can only tell the OP it does get easier but that there'll be horribly low moments of it sporadically even years later. But every time, I look at my child who is happy with two fully involved parents and give myself a mental pat on the back for pushing through it.

if it's court ordered you have to go along with it.

until/unless there is evidence of harm to the dc then you may not have grounds to appeal. from DC pov, more days with dad may look good and ideally in ideal circs it should be good.

you haven't lost your dc they will be with you 50% of time. and you can dedicate that fully to them as you can leave housework etc to the days they not there.

let the routine settle in for six months, if anything isn't working you can then go back and change it.

that their aunt/his sister is involved is not necessarily a bad thing, so long as she treats them well.

get some support for yourself, accept what has been imposed for now and see how it goes. take up swimming/running/singing in community choir/other hobby to fill time -exercise is good gets endorphin going will help.

The OP mentioned him not wanting her to have the child cab presumably that was one of the reasons that has made this whole process so painful for her. He wasn't very committed to parenting at that point was he?

we only have the OPs word that he is a shit father That's right kitty and if we are going to comment ever on anything are we not starting from a point where we assume the OP is telling the truth?

All I am saying is that I don't think 50/50 was appropriate given her description of the circumstances. It is going to be bloody hard for her (FWIW I think he is just pushing to hurt her and will lose interest in looking after 2 kids further down the line anyway)

In the meantime, the saving grace is this mother clearly puts her children's needs first so in the long run these kids are going to be ok.

kitty some of the language you have used towards PP I have found a bit aggressive and inappropriate so I am bowing out of this debate now.

kitty some of the language you have used towards PP I have found a bit aggressive and inappropriate so I am bowing out of this debate now.

Ok dokie. No need to announce it you can just leave the thread or are you announcing it because you are flouncing/want the attention?

Not sure what language you are talking about but I am sure the pp you speak of can point out what I have said if it has been aggressive or inappropriate. Don't think they need you to do that for them

The OP is on Maternity Leave for a baby that she wants to spend time with and he didn't even want

I don't know the man in question, but I hate when the fact that when a person initially wanted an abortion, this is held against them forever more. It is not a crime or a sin to consider abortion and it does not mean that that person loses any claim to loving the child forever after.

Dear Hopeless
My son is now 22, when he was 3 his father had an affair with my friend and left to set up house with her. He wanted 50:50 I had to agree. For a while I hated it. I hated wednesdays when I would come home to an empty house. It felt like our son had been given as a gift to the woman who I now hated. Her son and my son fought, her son attacked mine, I hated it. I fought it when I could and when it was necessary.
But I had to get used to it.
Gradually I began to enjoy having half the week with no committments. I never once in all the years had to use a babysitter because when my son was here, so was I. We had no rows, no bad behaviour, no getting irritated with each other. We were always pleased to see each other and had fun when we did.
His father went on to have two more children with the OW and then married her. My son was one of four there and an only child with me.
He used to say that he felt that he had the best of all worlds, he had a mother and a father who he knew loved him and wanted him. He knew how to live in a big family and share and how to live with just one other person and be spoiled.

He gets on well with his step brother and calls him his brother, he loves his half sisters and would never dream of calling them half sisters.
I have moved from hatred to total disinterest in the ex and his wife. I never want to see her or have anything to do with her but I no longer hate her, I cannot be bothered to have any feelings for her.
My son grew up well adjusted, happy and secure. He swapped houses halfway through each week and every other weekend. He still has a room at both houses but stays more with me than at his fathers now because the food is better here and he knows which side his bread is buttered.

I dont want to hold myself as some kind of paragon of virtue, I am not. If there had been something, anything I could have done to prevent it happening when we split- I would have done. But it would have been for ME not for my son. Gradually I realised that I would rather not have him at all than have him damaged by any action I might take to prevent him from having what was his right. It HURT like hell, I cried for six months. But it got easier and it got better and it became a nice way to parent.
And my son says it was the best thing for him and for his brother (her son). He would not have had it any other way.

I wish you were not in this awful situtation but I can offer you hope. It can be good for the children and it can work. It can give you a chance of a life outside the house and to build new relationships.

The thing is this is a fait accompli. The best thing the OP can do is get used to it. Hopefully the ex will either rise to the occasion or else quickly lose interest in having so much responsability.

I still think op should double check about appealing. I tried 50/50 when DD was 14 months old (my idea, thinking it was best for her) and it went very badly and I'm sure some of her attachment issues are to do with that.