I just hit DP

[Icklepickle101]

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

If he wasn't stopping after her stop over and over again all night what was going to stop him .Words weren't working he just ignored her and continued to knowingly hurt her for fun it seems .I hate violence and yes hitting is wrong but I can't help think she was bullied and prodded too retaliate in the way he seems to understand.

In a later post she also said 'i kept asking him to stop and he didn't.'

Not rtft in these situations and then saying the op was wrong can be very damaging.

I daresay Op and her DP will move on from this, and he'll think twice about poking and prodding her 'in jest' again. It's not the end of the world and whilst I would have probably reacted in the same way as Op, both he and she should apologise to each other and that should be the end of it, a la grown-ups.

I don't think it needs to spell the end of a relationship! It's about learning each other's boundaries and he's just crossed one, as has Op. He got it wrong; she got it wrong. Hopefully it won't happen again.

I thought it was a well recognised form of abuse to find 'joking' ways to hurt your partner & make them physically uncomfortable. Nothing the victim can challenge or even put into words but still painful and physically disrespectful. I don't think its double standards, it's just that the OPs partner is displaying clear signs of being a specific type of abuser.

Never in 18 years, however playful he's felt, has my husband continued touching me in any way if I said no. She said no repeatedly. He touched her knowing she didnt want him too. He hurt her. That is NOT victim blaming, it's picking up signs that he's not actually the victim.

In fact, your most appropriate response to him hurting you despite you telling him to stop would have been to call the police and report him for domestic violence.
Which it was, no matter what he said it was.
It's how the victim feels that counts, not the perpetrator.

Not RTT but he sounds like he was a twat.

You snapped. Ok, you shouldn't have hit him. But he was being a twat.

Did you slap him or punch him?

And for those saying that she should just have walked away - at what point is it acceptable to physically retaliate? What if someone just doesn't stop, regardless of how many times you ask? This is the kind of thing that can escalate quite quickly and are you suppose to just move from room to room to avoid someone physically poking you? What if he'd followed her and continued? Just asking.

I had an abusive partner like this. He used to pinch my nose until I cried because it was "funny".

Is this a first OP?

Please do not tell the OP she has PND or needs to see a GP because she had a normal healthy reflex reaction to being prodded hard, possibly in the solar plexus or near a sensitive belly button or in a squelchy( post-baby tummy), after repeatedly asking someone to stop attacking her.

I hope you're okay OP? This can't be easy for you to read.

Of course only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. For all we know he could be wonderful bloke every other time and this was totally out of character for him but what you describe tonight was him being being abusive and disprectful towards you. And the fact he was confident enough to act this way in front of your parents is worrying.

I hope we're wrong. I hope he is a lovely bloke normally, but don't let him dismiss this behaviour as 'playful' on account of your actions. It wasn't. It was abusive.

he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

You shouldn't have hit him. He shouldn't have prodded you repeatedly when told to stop. He shouldn't have said the above.

I think you need to take a calm look at your relationship and see what's going on beyond this.

Its sad but I think thats what he will do too , find away to put the blame all her .

Can she not tell her GP that her husband was poking her repeatedly, not stopping despite being repeatedly asked to do so, then poked her hard in the stomach. So the GP has a record for future evidence?

Last question - your mother skied if you were pregnant again. Were they looking for excuses? Did they see him constantly poke and prod you? Do they usually not take your side? I don't mean to demonise or belittle your parents but am curious as to why this possibly escalated in front of them? I say this as someone who makes suggestions to her own parents, who in turn say okay, whereas when Mr SWW makes the same suggestions, they are taken as gospel eye openers and lifesaving. Pfffft!

I don't believe the blame is all yours. In fact, he provoked it. No means no. Stop means stop. The fact he choose to ignore you with repeated warnings is wrong.

OP have you ever done it to him? The poking and prodding i mean

CalleighDoodle telling the GP about what her husband did to her might be a good idea.

I had thought though that some people suggested she see the GP because they were implying that she must have something wrong with her, possibly PND, because she slapped her husband after he had been poking her repeatedly, then hard in her tummy, even when she had asked him to stop.

As I said, I do not think her reaction means she has anything wrong with her,

I just can't wrap my head around the thinking that nne lash out after a night of abuse and a physical poke so hard is hurt is so called bad but getting kicks out of hurting a loved after they said no is just being playful .I said it earlier despite his behavior towards her she feels guilt for hurting him .He found fun in doing all night .And basically told her next time he decides to ignore her and poke her against her will she will have to just accept it.

I wonder what the replies to

"AIBU to keep jabbing my wife in the stomach, even after she's asked me to stop, because I find it amusing?"

Would be? I bet there'd be a fair few "She should leave you", "I'd have clocked you one," etc.

Stop means stop just as no means no.

If the both of you were clearly (CLEARLY) enjoying a tickling game, your slap would have been a complete overreaction and I would wonder if you needed help with anger management.

However, he was not respecting your physical boundaries, you asked him to stop and not only did he continue but he proceeded to hurt you so in return you hurt him as a shortcut to making him stop.

Now you are both hurt emotionally. (I take it the sting of the slap and the finger jabs have long faded)

Let the dust settle and then try to talk calmly and rationally about this. Explain the feelings that led you to react in the way that you did, let him see you are truly sorry. You have to let him know that his physical goading of you when you said stop was also unacceptable behaviour.

Everyone can have a one off where they do something they regret. The telling thing will be how you deal with it, be that a calm discussion with your partner, some time apart, counselling or anger management if it turns out that this incident has unlocked some suppressed feeling in you which make it more likely that you will react in this way again.

If it has been the other way around he had slapped you after you had hurt him physically, I would recommend the same thing.

Anger management I don't see anger issues apart from not liking being hurt all night which is normal reaction imo .It also took her hours of it to react like that .The op has a lot more tolerance than most it seems.He needs to find out why he thinks it OK hurt his partner for fun and kicks though.

I would have slapped him one, heck if I had a SiL doing this to my DD at the table when she was trying to eat, I'd have been itching to slap him one.

He sounds like a bully.

OP how are you doing?

Agree with PP that he was being abusive in the first place and this is quite a red flag.

Also agree that your parents seem unsupportive.

Strikes me as very odd that your mum thought you are pregnant yet thought it was ok for him to be poking and hurting your stomach. So nor only was the hurting not an issue for her, but hurting a pregnant partner also would not be an issue and would be the partner's fault for being pregnant.

Hope you're ok. Can you stay somewhere else for a bit?

My mum was there when my ex was holding my hand too tight under the table ,we lived with them when allot of it was happening .People don't allways see everything.

The op said stop ,he didn't listen and physicaly hurt her and still refused to stop .Only the op gets decide to what hurts her and what her bounderies are .Not him stop means stop

Lilith nobody is 'spouting' anything - it is called 'discussion'.
IME the mother doesn't sound very supportive at all, and the partner thinks it OK to poke and prod her in the belly....
I know that violence is not the answer but I can see why she slapped him.