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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just hit DP

455 replies

Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 19:28

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

OP posts:
LilithCrane · 14/06/2016 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/06/2016 00:55

OP doesn't says she punched her partner in the face

LilithCrane · 14/06/2016 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scousesal · 14/06/2016 00:58

Grabbing keys and prodding someone over and over are just not the same .When is it acceptable to protect from unwanted attack.when he used two fingers,three ,four a fist?. He was hurting her without any show of stopping and her body's natural response was to protect herself.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/06/2016 01:03

Lillith if you're ever poking & jabbing someone 'playfully' and finding it hilarious. If the person asks you to stop, do stop. As you are assaulting that person and they want you to stop.
They've asked you to stop so you should stop.

It doesn't matter how hilariously funny you are finding it, how funny and cute you feel you are being, the pokee whose body you are touching does not like it or want it and has verbalised this and therefore you should stop.

Hth

LilithCrane · 14/06/2016 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SundialShadow · 14/06/2016 01:10

Lillith -

The children in my DDs nursery know that you stop physical "play" when the other person stops having fun / is hurt / says stop.

My DS is much bigger than his little sister so we have taught him respect for her bodily autonomy since she was a baby.

Grown men and women are sent off the sports field for physically goading other people.

It was not ok for this man to keep poking his partner after she said stop. The word is not ambiguous, it means STOP.

FFS

LilithCrane · 14/06/2016 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 14/06/2016 01:59

I used to be consider clever for a woman to slap a man, I'm glad to see it is not any more. However, I do think it is not in the same league as a man hitting a woman, firstly because women are weaker and a woman's slap is unlikely to even bruise, but more importantly, because here we have a remorseful OP, wearing sackcloth and ashes because of her actions. If a man were to post that he hit his wife was felt as bad as the OP did, he would get a certain amount of sympathy.

The thing is OP, your relationship does not sound good at all and it may be time to wonder whether it is where you should be.

ReySkywalker · 14/06/2016 02:14

Hope you're ok OP.
You're not an awful person, what you did was wrong, you know that and it's worth looking at how you got to that reaction.

I used to be with someone who poked and prodded me 'playfully' especially in front of friends and family. It was goading and he wouldn't stop until I got angry and looked the unreasonable, angry one.

It's a horrible, frustrating feeling not being listened to, don't berate yourself any further but do some work on yourself so it never happens again. Go to your GP and get referred for counselling. When that helpless feeling comes up and you feel like you're losing control remove yourself from the situation.

Be kind to yourself

stolemyusername · 14/06/2016 03:16

OP, I'm not going to comment on hitting him I just want to say that it's your body and if you have asked someone to stop touching/poking you, wether it's a husband/child/friend/random then they should immediately stop touching you without question.

LaBelleOtero · 14/06/2016 03:47

He hurt you, you hurt him. I don't really see the difference between stomach and face tbh.

CharlotteCollins · 14/06/2016 07:39

The big difference is that she feels awful and he is acting as though he did nothing wrong.

They were both physically aggressive, yes. But that there is a HUGELY significant difference.

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 07:41

If a man were to post that he hit his wife was felt as bad as the OP did, he would get a certain amount of sympathy.

I don't think that's true.

CantAffordtoLive · 14/06/2016 07:45

I suspect your relationship isn't a wonderful as you say!

Why did he not stop when you asked him to? In your shoes I would have bloody hit him too. I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. If he failed to respond to your requests to stop I don't blame you. In hindsight it would have been better to move away from him but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Time to examine your relationship I think. He needs to apologise to you and accept his part in this situation as well as you needing to apologise to him.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 07:47

They were both physically aggressive, yes. But that there is a HUGELY significant difference.

Could you explain the huge difference?

pinkstarsarefalling · 14/06/2016 07:54

If this was a play ground incident (which is frequent in my setting)

I would say it's not ok to keep annoying someone when they've said to stop.

It's not ok to hit back.

And it's not ok to threaten to hit back if you are hit.

This is what is 'right'.

Both children would be missing some play as a result and being debriefed over the incident. Close eyes kept on them. If repeated goading or threats this is dealt with effectively. We teach them to listen to each other and respect the others feelings and views.

The issue is going to be that there may be an argument over who is right not what is right between both parents.

pinkstarsarefalling · 14/06/2016 07:56

The op knows she did wrong. Which is good. Does the partner?

To be honest, if overly goaded and the mum of a 5 mo old, I might have also reacted in this way. But with me it's always screaming like a banshee.

pinkstarsarefalling · 14/06/2016 07:59

The goading is similar to how some people hate being tickled as they were overly tickled by a parent or sibling as a way to force giggles etc and requests to stop were ignored. It can be used as a way to bully by some and isn't nice. And can be used as a way to show the tickled one is being unreasonable when actually personal space is not being respected.

MorrisZapp · 14/06/2016 08:03

So if a man slaps a woman then regrets it afterwards, does that mitigate the slap:

Completely?
A bit?
Not at all?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/06/2016 08:06

I agree with you when you say you shouldn't have hit him OP. It would have been better to have left the situation.

But if you felt unable to leave the situation then you were entitled to retaliate in some way, I think. You'd repeatedly asked nicely but you don't have to be nice if the other person is not respecting boundaries. I realise you don't want to be that kind of person which is great. But nor do you have to put up with someone taunting you, physically invading your space, assaulting you in a painful manner. Doesn't matter if he thinks it's a joke. You didn't and he knew you didn't. You don't have to put up with that and you were entitled to defend yourself in some way.

Obviously using your words and having assertive body language (eg blocking and speaking very firmly) would have been better, but he had it coming to him Imo.

Does he usually think he can control what you find funny and what you don't? I'm not impressed that he would hit you back... He started it and he's not really a victim here.

Blu · 14/06/2016 08:07

Pinkstars sums it up well.

OP, I would talk to your GP and get help as you may well have low level chronic depression. I did after DS was born and it manifested itself in feeling critical, short tempered and somewhat aggressive.

Lack of sleep over a long period does not help.

But your DH did behave badly. He crossed a boundary and he needs to think about respect for you. If someone jabbed me hard in the stomach I might well lash out as a reflex defense action, if that person was bigger.

ricketytickety · 14/06/2016 08:08

I hope that this is the light bulb moment for you op, that at the very least you aren't suited to your 'd'p. A man who loves you wouldn't sit there prodding you and poking you forcefully in the stomach whilst you repeatedly asked him to stop. It doesn't sound like you love him either, which is not really surprising. I suspect he was also taking the piss out of your wonderful body that gave him a child, and your mum seems to be on board with that too.

Fuck em all, you are not anybody's thing to poke, prod and take the piss out of. You stood up for yourself and now they all want you back in your box.

I hope this is the moment that you think - enough is enough. From now on they respect me or they leave me alone.

But no more hitting. That only confuses you and gives them an excuse to berate you further.

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 08:12

So if a man slaps a woman then regrets it afterwards, does that mitigate the slap:

Completely?
A bit?
Not at all?

I'd add the question "a woman is poking a man in the ribs, despite him asking her to stop. He hits her in the face.
Does that mitigate the slap :
Completely?
A bit?
Not at all?

IlikePercyPig · 14/06/2016 08:14

I'm on the fence with this.

My wife sometimes pokes or tickles me, I don't always like it but I've never hit her but I have on occasion held her hand away from me (not forcefully) until she's got the message that I'm not in the mood.

Does that make me a cunt?