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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just hit DP

455 replies

Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 19:28

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

OP posts:
scousesal · 13/06/2016 23:28

It doesn't matter to me the size .Being pocked and hurt it would be anyones natural response .Its also the lack of stopping when told stop.No one man or women has the right to touch someone and hurt them after told to stop .The op feels guilt for causing any physical pain to him but he doesn't seem to have cared at all that he was hurting her and actually found it funny .That is disturbing IMo

Inertia · 13/06/2016 23:30

If he'd poked her thinking he was being playful, and she'd asked him to stop and he did immediately stop, then you might be able to argue that he was an innocent party.

But that isn't what happened.

He poked her,over and over again, hard enough to hurt, and carried on after she'd repeatedly asked him to stop. That's not playful, it's nasty.

Hitting wasn't the right response, but he wasn't responding to rational requests.

MrsY · 13/06/2016 23:30

OP, I know it's easy to say, but try and get a good night's sleep. Lashing out is a knee jerk reaction to being poked and prodded, and it does not make you a bad person. It does not mean your relationship is doomed. 5 months post partum is a tough time, especially if you are living with your parents and are organising building work. If you feel you need some support, speak to your HV or GP and get there input. Talk to your DP and friends and I would suggest that DP maybe speak to someone too.
Good luck.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 13/06/2016 23:30

Christ, I've repeatedly poked and prodded my partner before when I was in the mood to be annoying and wind him up a bit, not my best behaviour I know, but I'd still be horrified if he retaliated by hitting me in the face!

RebelRogue · 13/06/2016 23:33

I don't believe op is an abuser. It's obvious she feels very bad and regrets it. I do believe she overreacted and it was wrong. I also think her OH was being a twat and what he did was wrong too. I do not believe it warranted being slapped.

I cannot stand the double standards though....yeah yeah i know you believe it isn't.well i believe it is. I also can't stand the whole background story being made up.the highly emotive words used by others when op did not use them herself.

OP has this happened before? How did you react? When did he stop? Did he make any comments while doing it? Are you self-conscious about your body? Did he make any digs about it? Did you feel humiliated? Are your parents unsupportive ?

How about we let the op answer instead of just filling up the blanks?

Lweji · 13/06/2016 23:34

Why would anyone want to annoy another or, even worse, cause them pain purposefully despite being told not to?
Particularly people they are supposed to love?
The mind boggles. Hmm

KindDogsTail · 13/06/2016 23:34

I think your reacted instinctively as a reflex in self -defence because you were effectively under attack - even if your husband meant it as a joke.

He was prodding you. You told him you did not want him to. He carried on. You asked him to stop again. He carried on. You asked him to stop. He jabbed you hard in a very sensitive place and hurt you.

You have just had a baby. You may be breast feeding and sleep deprived.No wonder your whole self may be in a state of high alert. Your body went through all the intrusion of mid-wives and so on, you were trying to eat a meal with your parents in peace, and someone kept jabbing you in sensitive and rather intimate places against your will.

He was being highly invasive and was an aggressor.

You have apologised for your reaction. He should not only forgive you a hundred times over, but apologise ten thousand times over to you.

Then you should both go and do something lovely together. It is very difficult just after people have had a baby. It almost sounds as though he was childishly jealous and trying to get your attention with the prodding.

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/06/2016 23:34

To me, it seems like Ned doesn't want to admit that her own husband is a boundary violator and assaulter of women (or at least A woman). Women in abusive relationships will tell other women who are abused that they should suck it up and deal, because to say anything else would be to admit to themselves that they've been a coward about enforcing their own boundaries.

Inertia · 13/06/2016 23:34

ScouseSal makes a very good point. There is no evidence of any contrition at all from the husband about the fact that he continued to hurt OP, totally disregarding her pleas for him to stop. Both parties were in the wrong, but the one who retaliated (in what some might argue was self-defence) is carrying all the blame, while the initial perpetrator is making threats.

This is what makes me think he's set the OP up.

DoinItFine · 13/06/2016 23:36

I've repeatedly poked and prodded my partner before when I was in the mood to be annoying and wind him up a bit, not my best behaviour I know, but I'd still be horrified if he retaliated by hitting me in the face!

So you take advantage of the fact that he can't hit you back because you are weaker than him by physically hurting him in a way you know he will find annoying?

That is really, really shit of you.

Nasty, cruel, unfair behaviour.

Not quite the same as doing it when you have the added advantage of superior strength, but not a whole lot better.

Maybe you should never ever do it again?

trafalgargal · 13/06/2016 23:36

I'd have pushed him away, moved away myself or slapped his hand (hard) -but a punch in the face -no

In your parent's shoes I'd have told him to stay at his mate's tonight and wait til tomorrow for the two of you to talk.

scousesal · 13/06/2016 23:37

So your partner doesnt mind that's his choice.The op did and told him to stop.He was hurting her it stopped being a playful then .

DoinItFine · 13/06/2016 23:38

I looks like no still doesn't mean no.

Your partner has the full right to touch you repeatedly in ways you find distressing and you have no right to fight back.

TheJollyPostmansWife · 13/06/2016 23:40

Op I think you need a serious talk with your dp. My DH and I had a similar incident when I was pregnant, I was poking him and deliberately annoying him while he was on the phone and he eventually turned around and pinched me as hard as he could, I realise not a smack in the face but pretty bad imo so I left him for a week. Neither of us have ever apologised but I now realise my behaviour was just as unacceptable as his, in hindsight it was something to talk about, however, although I still maintain he should not have reacted like that, we certainly now have a firm understanding that neither of us have the right to treat each other in such a goady, annoying way. Hopefully you can find a way to resolve it, as long as you don't have an history of violence, in which case he should run!

twittwooery · 13/06/2016 23:40

I may be misreading but I swear her OP read like she asked once, but many posters are making out like he sat there for half hour poking her hurting every time and she was Shrieking in pain for him to stop, when she just mustered up the courage to defend herself.

I'm not saying he's perfect but, poking can and is used as playful, and people do things to annoy their partners who they love all the time, you can wind someone up playfully and it not be abuse.

For me it reads he was doing it playfully, she said stop once, he poked once more and that was the one that hurt and she lashed out

Lweji · 13/06/2016 23:42

twittwooery
DO read the OP again. And the OP's other posts too.
Yes, you're misreading it.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 13/06/2016 23:43

I tell my rugrats that if someone says jo, then a game is no longer a game and it needs to stop. That applies to adult life as well.

Yes - you were wrong to hit him. But he was equally wrong to provoke you. And as for the hit you back remark? Isn't that what you did to him when he kept prodding and poking you? And you did warn him. With a 5mth old and staying at your parents you're probably big a hit sleep deprived and stressed. But you're both are wrong.

Where do you want to go from here OP?

MotherOfBleach · 13/06/2016 23:43

'DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face.'

C&P'd from the OP.

scousesal · 13/06/2016 23:43

Well considering he was hurting her repeatedly despite her continues telling him to stop .He wasn't stopping either .she needs to run too.

Originalfoogirl · 13/06/2016 23:43

Of course you shouldn't have hit him, and you should apologise.

But you should also remind him that no means no and if you ask him to stop he should respect that and stop.

CalleighDoodle · 13/06/2016 23:43

twitt in the op she says 'after telling him and telling him to stop.' Read all the ops posts again, as your first paragraph, the one youre saying didnt happen, pretty much sums it up.

magoria · 13/06/2016 23:44

I think you read it wrong as the OP says he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face.

Telling and telling don't sound like once to me.

DoinItFine · 13/06/2016 23:45

he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop

That indicates that he was told repeatedly to stop but didn't.

Also that only the aggressor found this "funny".

twittwooery · 13/06/2016 23:47

I'll hold my hands up and say I only read one telling. My mistake

BoatyMcBoat · 13/06/2016 23:48

Violence is never the answer. However, I would say that he was behaving vilently towards you, repeatedly, for quite a long time. You asked him several times, if not more, to stop but he just carried on. That is violent. He kept it to just the right level though, enough to upset you but not quite bad enough that he couldn't pretend it was a joke if, for instance, your dad questioned it. Very clever. He sounds practised.

So when he's been treating with you violently he gets to be defensive and the injured party when you act in self-defense. Well done him.

Are there any other times where you feel he doesn't hear you? Does he apologise for other things, or is he usually right and you go along with it (whether he's actually right or not)?

I'm sorry, he doesn't sound nice. Have a read of the opening post of the thread sticked at the top of the Relationships board.