I just hit DP

[Icklepickle101]

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

Kiri bullies say it is only a game. A game is when all players aRe involved voluntarily. Childish game? Come on, it is not that. Imagine the op and her husband were children. Is it a game? No. It is bullying.

Op, why did your mum comment on the shape of your stomach? Was he prodding and commenting on your body shape?

You told him no and he continued to prod you.

Could he have caused the argument as an excuse to go out and get drunk?

I may be putting 2 and 2 together to make 5 but prodding, poking and tickling 'in fun' 'jest' or ' it's only a bit of banter' is recognised as a tactic by some abusive men. Often they dig in their fingers or prod a part of your body that you are uncomfortable with ie tummy post partum. Also depending on your delivery a woman's stomach may still be sensitive.

Ned why would he continue to think he was being playful when she repeatedly asked and told him to stop?

I'm so glad that if I decide to ever whack my husband across the face for annoying me I'll be able to come on Mumsnet and magically transform into the victim.

How fucking fabulous

I'm sorry but if someone repeatedly prods me in my stomach and ribs, despite me repeatedly asking them to stop, I'm gonna slap them too. If they don't want to be slapped, they shouldn't poke at me.

The only way that wouldn't be my reaction is if the person was small enough for me to physically restrain i.e a child or smaller woman (or perhaps a very petite man, I'm quite tall and muscular for a woman)

DV is unacceptable regardless of which gender commits it but that's not what this is. OP was goaded into reacting.

It wouldn't be the same if a man slapped a woman for doing the same bacsue a) as a pp pointed out a women is unlikely to deliberately goad a man into violence, just as OP's DP would be unlikely to repeat this behaviour with a male friend and b) women are physically smaller and weaker than men.

A man generally has the strength to grab a woman's wrist and prevent her from further poking, women don't have that power over men.

nedstarkshead my response wouldnt be that different. I admit that i would find it more worrying if it were a man hittinga woman as men tend to be bigger and also tend to have more experience in being physically agressive, not always but quite often and so it would be reasonable to assume that if a man were to hit a woman they could be alot more frightening and/or cause alot more physical damage than if it were the other way round. Of course thats not always the case but quite often it is. But my response still would be that its an unhealthy relationship and the woman should not have been poking the man when they had asked her to stop repeatedly. Thats not victim blaming because they are both victims and agressors in equal measure. The OPs partner wasnt just shouting at her or something he was physically touching her when she had asked him to stop which is an agressive act.

Someone else does not get to decide what touching is playful to another persons body .When does her own boundaries and words get listened too.When he decides it seems.

Well the OP described it as playful.

Because when my husband tickles me and prods me and generally annoys me I tell him to stop several times and if he really starts to bug me I'll walk out the fucking room like a grown adult I won't smack him across the face. If I did that he'd look at me like I'd just slaughtered a baby deer because it's unacceptable.
When I walk away he will come find me and I will tell him why his continual annoyance upset me, he'll apologise and nobody gets fucking smacked in the face

He wasnt annoying her though he was physicaly hurting her .big difference

What's disturbing most about this thread is how posters have written the back story, assumed a great deal and genuinely seem to believe the guy has abusive tendencies.

I don't know why I bother getting worked up over it I'll never stop seeing double standards on this site, they're EVERYWHEFE

I haven't assumed ,he refused to stop physicaly prodding and hurting her when asked to stop .

When it comes to someone touching you in an unwanted manner sometimes a natural defensive response to that is violence. Its not the ideal or morally right response but its an understandable one and is not the same as the actions of someone who is an abuser. If indeed her DP is larger than her which is an assumption we can probably make seeing as the majority of men tend to be larger than women, and if he is more used to acting in a physical manner which is again something that we may assume as its highly likely, then you mustnt forget that being touched by her DP persistantly when he had been asked to stop may well have been extremely humiliating and intimidating.

I did say in my post that if the man was physically smaller than me I would restrain him over slapping him.

However it is unlikely that OP's DP is weaker than her because that isn't the norm.

Someone larger and stronger than her was hurting her repeatedly, despite being asked to stop several times. She defended herself and this person then threatened her. That he's a man is irrlevent apart from his physical size. I'd be just as 'on her side' if this had been a large woman she slapped.

He jabbed her 'quite hard in the stomach' at the point she hit him. Jabbed her quite hard. After prodding and poking all evening after repeatedly being told to stop.

My husband mumbling is annoying.
Leaving cupboard doors open is annoying.
Putting jam in the wrong place is annoying.
Repeatedly poking and then jabbing quite hard in a stomach is really not the same at all. And how, please someone explain to me clearly, how is poking and 'jabbing quite hard in the stomach' not physical?

The op said 'he found it funny, I didnt after telling him and after telling him to stop...' This doesn't sound particularly playful.

Op how are you?

thought you were going to bed ned... off you trot.

Hope you are ok Op x

Um.

I do a bit of martial arts stuff.

I'd much rather take an open-handed slap to the face than a stiff-fingered jab to the diaphragm.
Regardless of the gender of the attacker.

I don't think anyone covered themselves in glory here.

its not double standards i would absolutely say the same if it were a larger woman who was used to being physical for some reason who was prodding a smaller man. The man in that situation may well be frightened and humiliated and act defensively. Again it wouldnt be the ideal response but a very understandable instinctual one.

I'd much rather take an open-handed slap to the face than a stiff-fingered jab to the diaphragm.
Regardless of the gender of the attacker.
I was going to post the same.
"Poking" can be used as a physical attack method and can be quite painful.

When is jabbing someone in the stomach anything other than an aggressive action designed to humiliate or hurt? I fail to see the humour in it.

I find silly games like poking and proding very annoying. I hated it as a kid and I still do. I told my DH what I did to a girl in school who thought tugging my hair was funny even after telling her to stop.

Since then he's generally stopped it, but I have also had to push back. I would have given a sharp - very sharp dig in the ribs to him rather than hitting him in the face.

A game isn't fun when one person has said to stop it.

So I totally get how you were pissed off but you overreacted.

NedStarksHead

I don't know why I bother getting worked up over it I'll never stop seeing double standards on this site,
Specsavers
HTH