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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just hit DP

455 replies

Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 19:28

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 09:28

Replace poking with, say, trying to insert his penis in her vagina.

That is not an appropriate comparison to make.

pinkstarsarefalling · 14/06/2016 09:30

I agree with fusion and Lewj.

You can analyse it till the cows come home; it doesn't change the bare facts. We can only look at this context. Which is why I saw an analogy that took away the sex of each person, and looked at both persons PoV.

Dp was playing a game.

The op did not like the game. She was not consenting to it.

It is possible the dp did not pick up on the level of the ops dissatisfaction. - we do not know.

Neither person reacted appropriately to what was being communicated, including the dp threatening to do the same as she did. In many ways, this is as bad as the fact she hit him.

None of this can be changed. Only what happens next.

  • recognising together what was wrong.
  • acknowledging each other's feeling about each other's actions.
  • taking responsibility for their actions and recognising together what each person must do in future situations.

I can't help thinking that if the dp was a sibling winding her up and she slapped him it would be being talked about in a different way. But that is not the context.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 09:30

Not only he ignored her pleas for no, as he did WORSE when she was more assertive with the no.
What would you guys have done to another bloke doing the same to you?

IlikePercyPig · 14/06/2016 09:30

Okay this is getting stupid now.

roundaboutthetown · 14/06/2016 09:32

I still don't understand the idea that poking someone should be a game. It's only a game if someone laughs and pokes you back, otherwise it's just nasty. Try continually poking a pet and see whether they tolerate it or eventually scratch you, bite you and run away... The OP's reaction was the instinctive one.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 09:32

How is discussing the no means no principle stupid?

Is it only for sex? Why?

thedancingbear · 14/06/2016 09:32

Replace poking with, say, trying to insert his penis in her vagina.

Lweji, with respect, this is batshit crazy.

Baconyum · 14/06/2016 09:33

It's an excuse rapists use. 'We were flirting one thing lead to another...she never said no' but, derail.

Op yes you were wrong, yes you should've apologised (which you did).

But... Yes I'd have done the same. I see it as self defence but also you could have got up and left the table (was this in your parents home? Why the hell didn't THEY tell him to stop?!)

Although your parents reaction does explain why you are putting up with so much crap from this guy and his family. Your un seemed familiar, u had a little look.

Doesn't excuse or mitigate you hitting him.

But this IS a deeply unhealthy relationship.

I suspect based on previous threads/posts, he's still expecting you to do everything, you're still getting pressure from mil on breastfeeding and you are suffering from PND (which won't be being helped by his unsupportive - being generous there - attitude).

pinkstarsarefalling · 14/06/2016 09:34

I cross posted with some earlier comments.

I made the analogy with tickling games in that, sometimes, the person being tickled does not consent. I think this is how there's an analogy to rape.

She wasn't consenting to the game. Her reaction wasn't appropriate. His ignorance to her non consent wasn't appropriate. A threat to hit is not appropriate.

loobyloo1234 · 14/06/2016 09:35

This thread should be closed. Can't see any of this being helpful to the OP now. Too much in fighting.

As others have rightly said, we've been given half a story from the OP. Without more facts, how can anyone judge the situation properly? We don't know about the build up, their size, whether she slapped or punched him, if he had ever done anything like this before, whether he hurt her or was just annoying her, why her parents didn't step in, whether there is anything underlying in the relationship, how many times he poked her, how long he poked her for, whether she hit him once or more .... you get the picture.

Probably a troll posting on here anyway to get a reaction, they certainly achieved this. Post and run ... Hmm

Lweji · 14/06/2016 09:35

Again, why is it batshit crazy?
When is no not supposed to mean no?
And why was the responsibility of the OP to be nice about her pleas being constantly disregarded?

What is batshit crazy is to blame the OP for not reacting appropriately, when she did repeatedly and was ignored.

Dacc · 14/06/2016 09:35

The man, despite being the victim here is now being compared to a rapist.

You really have to laugh. Or you'd cry.

dowhatnow · 14/06/2016 09:37

I'd see your Gp. You don't usually over react and you've been feeling in a dark place anyway. Sounds like you could do with some help.

Having said that
He shouldn't have been goading you, he should have stopped when requested to and his "I'll hit you back" wasn't a normal response. Perhaps get yourself over to relationships to explore how healthy your relationship really is.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 09:38

Instead of being all indignant, how about answering the hard questions?

When is no not supposed to mean no?
Who was the first victim?

scousesal · 14/06/2016 09:39

no only means no when the partner decides it seems.The op has no right to protect her body from unwanted hurt . how many times he poked her aftyaftyer her stop shouldn't matter .She said stop that was the moment was the when he should have stopped . He was hurting her ffs how long was she supposed to deal with that .

pinkstarsarefalling · 14/06/2016 09:39

Lewj is exploring philosophical scenarios around consent.

Consent is consent, however dressed up.

Neither consented to the actions that happened.

They need to recognise this and move on.

(If there is pressure one way or another to bf, I know what that feels like and bloody hell that can leave you feeling ready to fight your corner. For me it was to stop. A tiger mother was unleashed in me. No hitting but gosh a lot of fierceness of feeling. Again no excuse but not going to help matters)

milkyface · 14/06/2016 09:40

I'm sorry but if someone says stop it you fucking stop it regardless of your gender.

Op yes you're wrong for hitting him but i do understand why you did it. Ideally you should have got up and calmly walked away, but I understand it is not always easy to do this (I wouldn't find it easy in that situation)

I'm not sure that your DH is a 'victim' as such, because you hitting him was in retaliation to him prodding you, you did ask him to stop several times.

As much as it's not comparable to rape, as one poster has said, it could easily escalate from him prodding her, to him hitting her etc. Should she just put up with him hurting her?

And someone said at 5 months postpartum your stomach isn't sore... I don't think that's the point, for all we know Op could be incredibly insecure about size/tone whatever and him prodding her might have really got to her. I don't like ANYONE touching my stomach because I had a baby 6 weeks ago and it really bothers me.

You were both in the wrong op, but at least you apologised and didn't continue to hit DH when he was asking you to stop.

If someone asks you to stop, regardless of what you're doing, if you think it's harmless or funny or even that they're over reacting and you don't see the problem, you fucking well stop.

CharlotteCollins · 14/06/2016 09:40

Those people up in arms about the "way the thread is going" are ignoring all the posters who have said both actions were wrong.

Some people are assuming he will apologise later for saying he'd hit her next time.

I don't think he will, but that's for the OP to see.

One reason people are focussing on the man's behaviour is that the woman here is already ashamed of her own behaviour. But she needs help to see that his behaviour was also wrong.

scousesal · 14/06/2016 09:40

Hes not a victim ,he was hurting her repeatedly .

milkyface · 14/06/2016 09:42

Oh and someone who says 'I'll hit you back' (after the event and not in the beatbox the moment) is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

What happens if when the child's a bit older and he hits? Will his dad hit him back too?

Dacc · 14/06/2016 09:42

When is no not supposed to mean no?

When it's just a muck about game at the kitchen table. We've all taken a bit of friendly play fighting just a tiny step too far. But you know, it is a bit like rape when you come to think about it..........................

milkyface · 14/06/2016 09:42

*heat of

Not beatbox! Grin

Dacc · 14/06/2016 09:42

Hes not a victim ,he was hurting her repeatedly

No where does she say she was hurt.

milkyface · 14/06/2016 09:43

*When is no not supposed to mean no?

When it's just a muck about game at the kitchen table. We've all taken a bit of friendly play fighting just a tiny step too far. But you know, it is a bit like rape when you come to think about it..........................*

How do we know if it was friendly?

I don't find it friendly if someone continues to touch me when I have asked them to stop, in any scenario.

Dacc · 14/06/2016 09:44

Oh and someone who says 'I'll hit you back' (after the event and not in the beatbox the moment) is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with

he had just been humiliated in front of his parents.