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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just hit DP

455 replies

Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 19:28

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

OP posts:
Blu · 14/06/2016 08:15

Actually MorrisZapp, if a man, or anyone, hits out at a woman after being jabbed in the stomach, and then apologises seriously, takes responsibility for it, resolves to do something to improve things in the future, yes, I think it mitigates it quite a lot.

If it is one hit, as a reactive response, not a sustained retaliation, and not a repeat performance of ongoing violence.

Hitting people is not OK. But not many threads by women upset that they have lost it and smacked their child, a single slap, result in the OP being advised to have their kids put in care or other means of terminating the parenting relationship, and asking their partners or other relatives to call the police.

MorrisZapp · 14/06/2016 08:19

Well I can't prove it but I think pigs would fly before a man hitting a womans face in response to belly prods would be considered even remotely acceptable on here.

LilithCrane · 14/06/2016 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebelRogue · 14/06/2016 08:27

Also there is so much emphasis on size. She's a woman,therefore smaller and he's a man,therefore bigger. I've seen quite a few couples where the woman is a lot bigger and even stronger than the man. Besides that someone in my family was repeatedly abused by his very tiny dainty wife. He never retaliated because "YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN!" and when he did complain everyone was like "oh come on she's so tiny how much damage she can do?" Physically? Probably not a lot..but mentally and emotionally? He was a wreck.

Blu · 14/06/2016 08:28

You may be right MorrisZ, but then MNers do not share a Unimind and if a woman of the same size or bigger than a man goaded him, disrespected requests to stop, and painfully jabbed him, and he slapped out in response, and then felt as dreadful as the OP here, I would concede some mitigation.

RebelRogue · 14/06/2016 08:30

Blu why does the size matter? Dd is a tiny little thing and i'm massive..she still gave me black eyes,scratches,split lip etc. Hell the cat jumping on me still hurts.

Blu · 14/06/2016 08:32

Agreed Rebel.

My nephew was bullied in secondary school by two girls who were violent. He never hit back, the school didn't take it seriously because 'what harm can girls do to boys?'. It stopped when they cornered a friend of his and he lost it and launched himself at them to get them off the friend...and they didn't attack him again.

Size is important, I think, because you are more likely to feel cornered or threatened by someone bigger than you. But fierceness and perceived power also has that effect.

MorrisZapp · 14/06/2016 08:34

The size thing is completely irrelevant. It shouldn't even be mentioned.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 08:34

We've recently had a thread where the woman reported she was annoying her partner and was punched while he was driving.
Whereas the punch was completely unacceptable, she was also rightly told that she shouldn't have been annoying him and interfering with his driving.
Does that count to show how the reverse would -did-- pan out?

In this case he wasn't just annoying the OP. He was HURTING her.

Of course there were better courses of action. But the shit hit the fan when he repeatedly hurt her and when physically attacked most people lash out physically too.
Was it proportional force?

I agree the OP does need a better strategy to deal with her oh. And that is to keep him well away from her.
My advice would be the same if the situation was reversed.

Blu · 14/06/2016 08:36

I'm saying it's both simple and complex:
Simple - no-one should hit (or otherwise physically assault )
Anyone, whatever sex or size.
Complex because none of us can guarantee we will adopt the perfect assertive textbook response when under pressure. Whether it be with our small children or our partners.

RebelRogue · 14/06/2016 08:40

It was obviously a one off,so it should be resolved by talking and establishing boundaries. Op's oh needs to learn that stop means stop. Unless ofc he really is the abusive,horrible bully set on on hurting and humiliating her that pp's have made him to be. Then yes leave.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 08:42

The size thing is completely irrelevant. It shouldn't even be mentioned.
Actually, self defence is about the strength of the response.
"A defendant is entitled to use reasonable force to protect himself, others for whom he is responsible and his property. It must be reasonable."
Reasonable force is different dependent on the strength of the person. A slap by me would hardly have an effect on exH, his slaps sent me to the ground. When I needed to self-defend I used the full force of my nails on his wrists to make him release me. It certainly hurt him more than a slap could.
I'd bet his prodding physically hurt more than her hit on him.

Lweji · 14/06/2016 08:46

Another difference:
In this case the man was consciously hurting his partner. He could have chosen to stop at any time.
She lashed out, probably without thinking.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/06/2016 08:46

Omg I can't believe people are actually calling the person who got hit the abuser. There is no way that the woman would be labelled the abuser if the situation was reversed and it was the woman who got hit in the face.

kirinm · 14/06/2016 08:46

But Rebel nobody on MN accepts that a man hitting his female partner is "obviously" a one off.

I still can't believe this thread. The writing of the OP's life would be funny if it didn't demonstrate how scary some women on MN are.

VoyageOfDad · 14/06/2016 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dacc · 14/06/2016 08:46

it's a horrible thing to say, but I'm going to say it. If the OP can fly off the handle and punch her partner in the face because of a game, what does she have the potential to do to a 5 month old that babi who may upset her?

OP should speak to someone ASAP.

RebelRogue · 14/06/2016 08:47

But you're just assuming he's bigger,stronger etc than her. Which might very well be the case but we don't know yet. We actually know very little and one incident (op said they never argue...is that because she puts up and shuts up,or bcs they genuinely have a good relationship..who knows?). I get where most posters are coming from with him goading her and her slapping him being areactional,maybe even a reflex response. I don't get where the background story comes from. Where the assumption he was making digs at her body stated as facts comes from. Maybe she wasn't humiliated ,maybe she was just fucking angry because he was being a twat

roundaboutthetown · 14/06/2016 08:48

The dh was wrong three times over - he took pleasure out of prodding at his wife when she had made clear she really didn't like it; he threatened to hit her if she hit him again; and he didn't acknowledge in any way that continually prodding someone against their will is a physical assault in itself. His DW was wrong twice over - she shouldn't have snapped and hit him in the face and she should not then have stormed off without apologising (although that was probably a reaction to the shock of what she had done!). Shouting at him and slapping his hand away would have been better than hitting him in the face. However, at least she is remorseful and wants to make things right, and tbh, if I were continually prodded when I'd made it clear how unpleasant that was for me, I would find it very hard not to slap the perpetrator in the face.

RebelRogue · 14/06/2016 08:49

Kirinm can't speak for others,but same story coming from a man,and i would still say it's obviously a one off. But i get what you're saying. Me and another posters were told last night we are being abused and accepting it,and there's something wrong with us for being on the "other" side

Lweji · 14/06/2016 08:50

Since when is purposefully hurting someone a "game"?
Particularly after being asked to stop?
Some people do have seriously fucked up minds or choose to ignore what the OP said.

Perhaps we could consider slapping someone a game and that makes it all alright, then.

thedancingbear · 14/06/2016 08:51

I thought I should chime in and say what a number other people are saying. The minimising and victim blaming on this thread is disgusting and shameful.

roundaboutthetown · 14/06/2016 08:52

And for those who ever think it is funny to poke someone who is asking you to stop - what is wrong with you? That is not funny.

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 08:53

I can't speak for others,but same story coming from a man,and i would still say it's obviously a one off.

I absolutely do not think that a man hitting a woman in the face would be let off with "it's just a one off". There's be links to women's aid, there'd be stories from survivors of domestic abuse saying they'd thought it was a one off, there's be people saying it was never acceptable even if was only once...

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 08:54

Apologies, missed half a sentence... there'd be stories from survivors of domestic abuse saying they'd thought it was a one off but that was just how it started