Sick of miserable DP

[Justpulltheplaster]

Back from a disaster of a night away. Where would you like to eat? Not bothered. Shall we go to X? Whatever you want. Even what music do you want to listen to is answered with 'I don't care you choose'

Barely cracked a smile all weekend. Wanted to go back to the hotel early so we did. He was asleep in ten minutes. It was the first night we've had alone in ages, in central London and he couldn't suggest one fucking thing he wanted to do, see or eat.

Driving home and his mate calls, suddenly he's animated, laughing and chatting. I snapped and asked what his problem is and he said 'nothing I've had a good weekend'

Well he might have but I didn't. Get home and he disappears to the gym the instant we walk in the door even though the kids are clamouring to see him.

I honestly think I'd be better off alone. At least I wouldn't have another child to make every bloody decision for.

DS (his DSS) is sobbing like his heart is broken. Sobbing that DP won't take him to the barber again, or play Xbox with him, or go to football.

I'm sobbing. My fucking heart is broken for him and me

Oh OP,

I don't know what to say, what can anyone say, I'm just so sorry

Is there a friend who can come over?? Help with bed time? I'm at a loss, everything seems so trite. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Oh Just. Have a bloody good sob. Me and my children cried a river of tears when my relationship ended. We both sat with them and told them that daddy would always be around (which luckily he is) and that it was only me and him that were parting, he would still always be their dad.

It was really tough for the first 6 months or so. Lots of bed time tears and questions, getting used to time just with dad. There have been some really crap moments, and I've raged and gone through the whole range of emotions.

Just over a year now, and my kids are fine. They have a good routine, I'm honest with them but spare their feelings as much as possible. They've adapted well and I never thought we'd be in such a good place.

I have huge trust issues now (my situation wasn't an affair), but can honestly say I am happy and content to be single for the foreseeable future. I appear to have no twat radar at all, so my answer is to stay twat free !!

I don't know if a broken heart ever really mends completely. I think perhaps it just changes shape slightly with a little bit missing. You will get through this OP, allow yourself time to feel everything, then slowly you'll find your "new normal".

I never thought mine would mend after DH. DP helped put it back together. Now he's just ripped it apart in a whole new place.

I think I'm in shock. I can't stop shaking

It's such a cliche Just but I really do know something of what you feel.

I was very wary of entering into my relationship with my ex. He knew why, I really thought I could trust him and I allowed myself to take the risk again. He let me down spectacularly, and I never would have thought it could happen.

Not feeling I can totally rely on anybody again has been scary but strangely liberating. I refuse to be defined by what has happened and it's made me strong.

I've come to the conclusion that most people are very fallible and when things get tough not many people come out the other side smelling of roses. I think we're all pretty fragile.

I think being in shock and shaking are all perfectly normal. Personally I would say don't have any alcohol, it's tempting but you'll feel down afterwards. Just be completely selfish for the next few days and do whatever gets you through.

Oh I'm sorry. Rice crispie has it spot on up thread though. Made me shiver in recognition. Being with someone who doesn't like you is the most painful thing ever. Letting that drag on for any length of time utterly shreds your sense of self worth.
You really have done the right thing, I know too well how shit it feels though.

OP, I've just read the whole thread and when you wrote he said he was not happy and you felt he wanted you to figure out why, or what he wanted, strangely this actually sounds true. He can't decide what and where to eat, what to see in London, what to do other than sleep.... he comes across like someone who'd like someone else to figure out everything for him because that's easier (and you have someone else to blame if it does not work out). When you decided to move in together, who suggested it? Who suggested having a child together? To me it sounds like he wants to shake off all responsibility for everything.

Sorry you're going through all this.

He suggested it. He pushed for the baby. I had 3DC already. I was done with babies.

He said we don't want the same things. He mentioned that I don't want to get married which is true. I've been married before and it scares the hell out of me. I think having a baby is a bigger commitment than that to be honest.

I think he was just trying us on for size. Trying to see if family man was a good fit.

I feel like I was so blind.

Morning

Do you think the GP would be able to give me something for the shaking? It's awful, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I remember all this from before but I can't remember what I did to make it go away

Morning OP..

Yes, go to the GP

Make sure you eat small, nourishing meals - soup is good...

Can you see a friend today too?

Weirdly enough my best friends DH walked out on her two weeks ago so we're holding each other up.

Food tastes like sawdust in my miutj

That's awful circs but good that you can focus on each other, just

You need to eat even if it tastes like sawdust. Especially if the doc is going to give you meds.

Today just put one foot in front of the other

Yep the food thing is horrible.
I just couldn't eat anything that needed chewing.
Ice lollies are good as sugary and will hydrate you.
Sugary tea also got me through.
Soup, smoothies would be good too.
You are in shock which is why you are shaking.
You need to get your sugar levels up quick sharp.
Anything sugary will do it.
Then, yes get to your GP.
for you.

Every time you feel really panicky and like you can't do this try to think back to the times that he's been distant/rude/a total dick and any other reason that you can think of that will help you realise that being without him is better than with him X

Did you go to the GP Just ? How has your day been ?

Receptionist wouldn't give me an appt, said it wasn't an emergency.

I've had a cathartic day. By which I mean I packed all his shit up ready for him to take tonight when he comes to see DD.

Plus my lovely friend came over and we bagged men out for hours.

House is very quiet now, DD is gone with DP and other DC have gone with exDh. Not sure what to do with myself.

Is there some kind of app to stop you texting someone. Feeling strong in the day but nights are awful. Don't want to be pathetic woman trying to guilt him into coming home.

No point in deleting his number, I know it off by heart.

I had to phone income support and start a claim. I cried down the phone lovely man said he sounds like a charmer and you're not the first to cry at me. So embarrassing

Delurking to offer a hand hold and to encourage you to sit on your hands or text a friend instead of him!

This is shit. But it will get better

Shame about the GPs, perhaps tomorrow you won't feel so shaky so might not feel the need to go.

Packing the stuff is a killer. I found a sock of his the other day and had to stop myself bursting into tears - although I'd wanted him to go !! It's a job well done though, and better sooner rather than later.

Great to have your friend to have a good old moan/vent to, rubbish situation for her though. As to what to do with yourself, how about hot bath and MN?

Glad your income support man was lovely, people can be a revelation. Hope you get lots of real life support.

I'm a bit suss over the falling to sleep after 10 mins, then sleeping in, then gym as soon as home tbh. Put it all together and it would fit with the gym being a euphemism and avoidance of intimacy by feigning tiredness IYSWIM.

Not many new Dads, whose idea it was to be a dad, would end things just on the basis of feeling unhappy for a while, leaving so easily a wanted child, without discussion and trying to improve things first. Unless there is a pull in another direction, I just don't see it would go that way. He already would of had an idea of what parenthood entails from your DC's.
Sorry, but I think there will be more to come out. Either way, you have done the right thing in asking him to leave.
Be aware that having a child is less of a guaranteed commitment from a man than marriage is, they can leave as easy as if you were just a date. Though your reluctance is understandable given your experience, you are left with less rights to financial support being an unmarried mother and particularly vulnerable as an unmarried SAHM.
Having said all that, basically he has proved to be a wanker of the highest order whatever his reasons are, you will be better off without him in the long run. If you are as done with having children, as I think you will be by now, know that this can never happen to you again, the worst is over.
I do feel for you, the guilt you instinctively feel for your own DC's about their exposure to a relationship when it fails, compounds the hurt at the loss. Time and time again, even the seemingly nicest of men, enter into relationships with established mothers without considering fully what effect it has on the kids when they leave, it's a nasty part of life.
Draw strength and pull together as a unit with your kids and you will get through this and be fine, there is a big pool of love to draw from them x

Smorgasbord

That was the most wonderful message. Thank you. To be honest I'm passed caring if there is someone else, if so I would imagine it's in its early days and I'm glad he left before cheating.

I'll copy your words to my notes and re-read later. He truly is a fucking wanker. We were fine before he came into our life. How fucking dare he evaluate me and the DC and find us wanting? How fucking DARE he

Keep that anger!
It will help you for a little while.
It's hard to find things to do with DC.
I went to the gym a lot.
Also joined an Am-Dram group and got heavily involved with that.
But my DD was older and I only had one to think about.

I rearranged my bedroom and changed the colours etc.....
Just to make it feel more like mine and bit more girly.
But a lot of the time, at the beginning, I'd just find a corner somewhere, sit on the floor, hug my knees to my chest and sob my heart out.
It does pass though. I promised.
Give yourself time.
It's odd suddenly finding yourself on your own and not knowing what to do.
You could watch favourite films or read books?

So there's been some updates.

Basically I don't think I even know who this man is. My friend called me yesterday and said I don't know how to tell you this but DP has just signed up for tinder. She's on there all the time and hadn't seen him previously to that.

I couldn't help myself after that, I checked his email/ Facebook etc. He's sent tons of random girls friends requests. Messaged his ex girlfriend etc. All after we've split but still what a wanker. So my humiliation is complete. To be honest it feels better taking all the blows at once.

He messaged me saying that I've been a different person since DD was born no shit Sherlock and we want different things from life.

I've gone complete radio silence.

Well done with the radio silence, OP. What a dick he is. It's a shame they don't do warning alerts on Tinder.