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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of miserable DP

153 replies

Justpulltheplaster · 11/06/2016 16:42

Back from a disaster of a night away. Where would you like to eat? Not bothered. Shall we go to X? Whatever you want. Even what music do you want to listen to is answered with 'I don't care you choose'

Barely cracked a smile all weekend. Wanted to go back to the hotel early so we did. He was asleep in ten minutes. It was the first night we've had alone in ages, in central London and he couldn't suggest one fucking thing he wanted to do, see or eat.

Driving home and his mate calls, suddenly he's animated, laughing and chatting. I snapped and asked what his problem is and he said 'nothing I've had a good weekend'

Well he might have but I didn't. Get home and he disappears to the gym the instant we walk in the door even though the kids are clamouring to see him.

I honestly think I'd be better off alone. At least I wouldn't have another child to make every bloody decision for.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/06/2016 23:17

Is he depressed maybe?
Is your intimacy being affected with his moods?

newname99 · 11/06/2016 23:25

It sounds like he is resentful and sniping at you.Its not a healthy way to handle conflict but could be ingrained behaviour.Is he happy being a step dad?

i understand his point about football however, especially if it was on whilst it was dinner time.Pet hate of mine!!

Naicehamshop · 11/06/2016 23:39

God - he sounds unpleasant and depressing OP. I really don't think you should have to put up with this shit. Flowers

Hillfarmer · 12/06/2016 00:53

Oh and we all got the weekly rant about how the nicer you are to people the more they treat you like a mug. Very pointed and clearly aimed at me.

Sounds a lot like my XH OP. It's shit isn't it? I used to try to keep the atmosphere at home 'light and cheery' like a bit a of twit I know, in hindsight, but I didn't see why the whole atmosphere in the house had to be tuned to his level of gloom and nastiness. But yet again, I was blamed for being upbeat and naive. I was naive for thinking that generally the world was a good place and that most people are good people. He used to bang on about my friends not really being my friends and that really they just 'used' me or exploited me to give them lifts or cook for them. Everybody was 'false', my brother was a lying toerag and wasn't to be trusted and I was 'obsessed' by my friends and 'going for coffee' to the detriment of my children.

Truth was, he was the cunt. He was the arsehole who was trying to destroy my confidence, my trust in people, my trust in myself. He was the shithead who was prepared for me to be snivelling in the dirt as long as he was calling the shots. He didn't care really what happened to me, as long as I became as miserable as he was.

I didn't undertand his negativity, his miserableness, his 'black cloud' that he cast over the whole house... until I realised that it was all aimed at me, it was all aimed at hating me, bringing me into line and generally isolating me from friends and family so that I would be totally under his nasty gaze.

This is a form of control. He is 'controlling the weather' in your house. I would start by calling him out. At the very least he is being a pain in the arse, but more generally I think he is holding the whole family to ransom just because he thinks he can. Not nice. He needs to be told to buck the fuck up. Really. It is serious.

He is upsetting you and not caring about the impact his moods and behaviour are having on you. If he cares about you, he should be really concerned that he is making you unhappy. His reaction will be telling. If he reacts negatively to you telling him how unhappy you are, or dismisses you... then there's your answer. If he doesn't care when you tell him you are unhappy with the way things are, then he is telling you he doesn't care about you. Then you will know where you stand.

Good luck.

Hillfarmer · 12/06/2016 00:55

P.S. It's very clear from what you say in your OP, that he reserves this particular form of spite just for you and the family. Like you say, one of his mates calls and he's all sweetness and light, animated and engaged.He is choosing to be like this with you.

nicenewdusters · 12/06/2016 16:28

Just read your last 2 posts OP. It doesn't look or sound at all stupid written down. It looks like hard work, demoralising, patronising and a miserable way to live.

Let's just say he can never see your point of view about this. He can never see that he's bringing you down, not making an effort with you, not respecting you, not considering how he's impacting upon you. Well, that in itself is the problem right there - even if he's being genuine. If he can't see it, he can't/won't change it BUT you don't have to put up with it.

As for the business with the football match. I think that speaks volumes about him. If you're mature, and can put others first you can participate, even in a limited way, in something that doesn't interest you. In my experience you do it because you care more about the other person than your dislike of the subject/situation. He couldn't even be bothered to join in with his son to help him enjoy the match. Yep, manchild.

Attilla asked you earlier what you got out of the relationship. What d'you think his list would look like ?

LellyMcKelly · 12/06/2016 18:22

It sounds like he's trying to get you to break up with him, like some 14 year old. Call his bluff. Kick him out. You deserve better.

RiceCrispieTreats · 12/06/2016 18:30

He doesn't like you very much.

It is incredibly lonely to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually like you. Far lonelier than being single, because at least your heart isn't being broken in a thousand small ways every day through dashed expectations when you're single.

Original poster
Justpulltheplaster · 12/06/2016 19:44

Well update but I had it out with him today

Finally managed to get an answer , he's been unhappy for a while and doesn't know what he wants

That old chestnut. I too tired and fucking jaded for this shit. That fucker swore he wouldn't break my heart after xDH and here I am again. Nothing else to say really. Except now I've got an extra kid to bring up alone.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 12/06/2016 20:31

Sorry to hear that OP. Perhaps he can do you a favour and go somewhere else while he 'decides' what it is he wants, rather than leave you hanging on a thread.

I don't understand why he can't take responsibility for his own feelings, instead of making everyone else feel like crap as well. It's so selfish! No wonder you feel jaded. Give him a deadline of what... a week?... and say he can contact you when he's got a plan. Gawd help us. You deserve better than this.

LoserDust · 12/06/2016 20:36

Urgh, I can understand that jaded feeling OP. Tell him he needs to decide what he fucking wants and stop acting like a teenager. Personally I would be making the decision for him though because I couldn't be arsed with that shite.

Only you know what's best for you OP but it sounds like you would have a happier life on your own anyway? I worried about having kids to look after on my own but once I found my feet I found parenting a lot easier without his fucking black cloud hanging over everyone.

nicenewdusters · 12/06/2016 20:51

So sorry OP, though I guess you're not thinking "No shit, Sherlock?"

What a childish, disrespectful thing to do to you. What did he think he was going to do, sulk his way through the next 20 years and just keep telling you that you were imagining things.

Ok, so he doesn't know what he wants. But if you know what you want then go for it. Don't wait for him, he didn't tell you he was unhappy, just made you miserable.

AnyFucker · 12/06/2016 21:56

Yes, he's on his way out

I suggest you cut out the turgid middle bit that socks you in the head and tell him to fuck right off.

Like ripping a plaster off, indeed. Easier in the long run than dragging it out for no good reason.

Original poster
Justpulltheplaster · 12/06/2016 22:38

He's gone

Walked out tonight after packing his bag. Has a little tear that he didn't want to leave the kids. Said he's been unhappy for ages.

Kids are going to be devastated. Can't believe I allowed him into our life and now he's crushed my fucking heart and walked out on us leaving me with a baby.

Sad thing is the other thread from when ex DH left is on here domewhere. My shit relationships played out in a MN timeline. What a fucking mug.

OP posts:
donajimena · 12/06/2016 22:51

I'm sorry Flowers
If its any consolation I have a timeline too Wink under various guises.
It really feels awful now but your weekend was miserable. Now, you can be miserable for a bit while you recover and then things will get sooo much better. My heart goes out to you.

Puff42 · 12/06/2016 22:52

Oh shit I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than this.

What a coward to just hang on being bitter and nasty all this time instead of discussing how he was feeling - you know, like an actual adult would do.

Original poster
Justpulltheplaster · 12/06/2016 23:09

My heart feels like it's ripping apart.

I swore I'd never have another relationship after ex DH. We were friends with benefits for ages which turned into something else. Then a relationship, then he met my kids, we moved in and had a baby. Now he decides actually he's not happy. Now. After ripping my fucking life apart.

He swore he wouldn't do this to me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/06/2016 23:14

I am so sorry Thanks

SandyY2K · 12/06/2016 23:15

You're not a mug. You had no way of knowing it would turn out this way. How could you know.

He is the one being immature in all this. I'm so sorry you are dealing with a marriage break down again.

You don't deserve it.

Original poster
Justpulltheplaster · 13/06/2016 07:50

Thank you for the replies

I just don't know what to say to him. He's saying he's unhappy but doesn't know why. I did make him leave after he said it, what am I supposed to do, do the pick me pick me dance and try to make him happy.

He says he doesn't want to break up, but what is he supposed to do if he's unhappy. He seems to want me to try and work out why he's unhappy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/06/2016 07:56

Don't do the pick me dance. You will regret it enormously when you find out there is OW on the scene somewhere.

SandyY2K · 13/06/2016 08:00

He has to figure out what is making him unhappy.

Is it his job? Financial worries ? Health concerns?

Perhaps trying to ascertain what a happy relationship looks like for him would be a start. Then he can see what a happy relationship has that your relationship doesn't.

Many times one is unhappy the problem is with them. It's their dissatisfaction with their own perceived lack of achievement in life.

If he truly doesn't want to split it might help him to see a therapist and figure out why he is unhappy.

Was he married before you?
Has he ever raised anything in your relationship as a concern?
Is your physical relationship okay?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/06/2016 08:10

"He seems to want me to try and work out why he's unhappy".

He probably does but he will have to figure that out for his own self. Its not your task to do that (besides which no-one should act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship) and you should not do the pick me dance either.

Am so sorry he has done this to youFlowers. It is however better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

Only1scoop · 13/06/2016 08:14

Sounds like he's been picking his moment.

Cruel behaviour on his part. Sounds like he's been going through the motions, sniping wherever he can.

Original poster
Justpulltheplaster · 13/06/2016 08:21

AF I know that's the standard situation but I'm 99% sure there is no OW (how many times have we seen that typed out though)

He's younger than me. I think he wanted to make it work but wasn't prepared for the reality of taking on other DC and then a baby. Now he's realised that there's things he wants in life that you can't have easily with children in tow and he doesn't know how to back out of it after making promises. He's a good guy really.

Sex life was always and still was a positive.

OP posts: