Sick of miserable DP

[Justpulltheplaster]

Back from a disaster of a night away. Where would you like to eat? Not bothered. Shall we go to X? Whatever you want. Even what music do you want to listen to is answered with 'I don't care you choose'

Barely cracked a smile all weekend. Wanted to go back to the hotel early so we did. He was asleep in ten minutes. It was the first night we've had alone in ages, in central London and he couldn't suggest one fucking thing he wanted to do, see or eat.

Driving home and his mate calls, suddenly he's animated, laughing and chatting. I snapped and asked what his problem is and he said 'nothing I've had a good weekend'

Well he might have but I didn't. Get home and he disappears to the gym the instant we walk in the door even though the kids are clamouring to see him.

I honestly think I'd be better off alone. At least I wouldn't have another child to make every bloody decision for.

So sorry op, what a arse he is :(

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again.
You know it's the 'I love you but I'm not in love you line'
You've done the right thing and he has gone.
You know not to do the 'pick me' dance so hold on to that.
Keep your dignity.
You are NOT responsible for another adults happiness.
But you know that.
Let him be.
Let him figure it out if he wants to.
But please be prepared for OW.
for you!

I feel like we should've be just an option for him though! I fully get behind everyone deserves to be happy. There's nothing wrong with that. But sitting there weighing up when if you want your family or not? Fuck off

You shouldn't have been an option, you and the kids should have been the only choice.

Although leaving the marriage shouldn't mean abandoning his child.

He obviously didn't think it through properly because he knew you had kids before marriage. If he wasn't ready to settle down and still wanted to get stuff out of his system, he shouldn't have committed.

There isn't always an OW, but sometimes depending on what the relationship status of most of his friends are, he may think he's missing out on stuff. I see it happening with women as well who marry men with large age gaps and suddenly realise they have missed out on stuff and envy their single friends all of a sudden.

He needs to figure it out and step up to his responsibilities. He needs to say what it is he wants to do that he feels he can't do being married (written down that looks like seeing others, but it's not what I meant).

Sometimes they want to be out drinking regularly and staying out late etc .

Men can just be very immature TBH. Is the age gap 10 or more years?

7 years age gap.

I know all about the OW stuff. Ex DH had one. I closed myself down completely after that. Didn't even look at another man for three years. He was my first fling and I held back for a year whilst it was developing because I knew he was young, I know taking on a family is hard. He was fully committed to it. We had a baby and it got hard. I did rag on him about going to the gym, I was a moody bitch because I was tired. But we were just getting out of that really hard horrible first year. Like I said this weekend away was the first chance we've had since DD was born as she is fully breastfed and I didn't want to leave her.

I seem to have become a depository for men to dump their kids with whilst they go 'find their happiness'.

Packing his shit up now

The kids are going to be devastated. I don't even know what to say to them

They were young enough when ex left that it was easily sorted with a puppy. I don't think thats going to wash this time.

What a fuck up i've made. Back where I started but with an extra kid.

Sorry for all the posts but I haven't told anyone yet and I need somewhere to vent and rage

Rage all you like.

Ok I've spent the morning going through phone bills, bank statements, pockets, social media, Instagram, internet history, even his van. Not a thing

Everything is wide open. I know all the passwords etc

Obviously that doesn't stop him having a throw away phone.

I ask him last night if he had met someone else. He looked genuinely disgusted and said how can you think I would do that to you, I can't believe you even thought that. I'm just unhappy and I don't know why.

And isn't this what we always say? If your not happy then leave. Don't cheat, don't waste your life, leave.

And that's what he's done.

Get some real life support around you ASAP.
You will need people to lean on.
Don't do this on your own.

Pack his stuff up.
Let him see what he is losing.
Contact only about the kids.

Do you work full time?
Or are you SAHM caring for the kids?
I would tell him you want 50:50 custody.
And that contact will only be about access etc....

SAHM

Stupid stupid stupid

You're not stupid OP. You're not. This is not the time to berate yourself for not having a job. Just try and give yourself a break - it's him that's done this.

Yeah - try not to beat yourself up about anything. Keep venting on here. You sound perfectly justified in your anger OP. You've played it straight, he's the one who seems to think you should do all the emotional spadework for him.

"Now he's realised that there's things he wants in life that you can't have easily with children in tow and he doesn't know how to back out of it after making promises. He's a good guy really." Those two sentences are an oxymoron. No really he isn't a good guy. He's quite prepared to have a child with someone and then not put in the commitment to look after that child. Just as well he can walk away isn't it? He knows you will pick up the pieces. Thaose aren't the actions of a 'nice guy'. What would happen if you had that attitude too? If you decided it was all too much and walked away from your relationship and children (after stringing him along for a few months)? I would imagine that your actions wouldn't be minimised in that way by him or anyone else.

Plenty of women have that shock of how much a commitment children are, yet honour that commitment. Strange (well not really!) how men can use that as an excuse all the time though to avoid having to make too much change to their life.

Running around after little ones and keeping a home does NOT make you stupid!!!
Millions of women do it.
How old are your DC (sorry if I've missed it)
What are your living arrangements? Renting? Mortgage?

Renting. My house before he moved in.

4 DC all under 12

He's on his way to get his stuff. Doesn't want us to argue, can't we be friends.

Hollow laugh

Although it probably doesn't feel like it but better he leaves now than drag it out living with his misery guts for the next few years.

I really identified with your op when I read it yesterday as it was exh to a T. It was obvious he was unhappy and he hated family life when children came along. Difference was he wouldn't leave and for two years we were separated living in the same home and he wouldn't let me tell people so it was all a horrible charade. (No other woman btw.)

It's hard but I think you have handled it the best way possible. Let him go and make sure he pulls his weight with the dc. You sound very sorted and you will survive.

Keep going and keep strong.
I don't know what to say other than, you will be fine.
You sound together and you know what you are doing.
I still want to give you a very unMN ((((((HUG)))))) though!

You are not stupid. Please please do not say or think that.

It is a horrible case of bad luck, but it's not you.

Maybe he didn't understand how demanding and difficult it is to raise a baby and deal with fatherhood.

It's so damn annoying that he hasn't been mature enough here. It's better than cheating, but so annoying he hasn't expressed a desire to try and fix this or seek counselling for himself or the two of you.

I'm glad that you have a resolution of sorts, but I know it's absolutely not the one you were hoping for.

As others have said, you are not stupid. You took your time in forming a relationship with him, made all the right moves. Short of being cautious what else could you do ? Every relationship is a risk, and it always feels worse when you allow yourself to trust again and that trust is broken. But HE broke it, not you.

I don't know what the answer is moving forward. I do believe it's very much down to luck and good fortune that you meet the "right" person for you, and that life then allows you to make the best of things. You have no more control over any of that than any of us, so don't beat yourself up.

As pp's have said, don't let him shirk his responsibilities with his child. He may feel he can walk away from you, but he must see that he doesn't get to do that with his children.