FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

All I know if I'd spent six months without my children I'd be emailing and Skyping DAILY and would be posting little presents and postcards regularly just to keep our relationship alive and remind them how much I love and miss them. He's done nothing of the sort. Yet he's surprised when they don't beg to speak to him.

Unfortunately I don't think he understands love, any type, conditional or unconditional. He can turn on a good imitation of it occasionally, but only on his terms. I don't know if the DC will see through it.
But ultimately he has nothing to offer his children. He uses them like trophies. I feel so sick and sad to think about it.

Nothing is garentee though you thought he was ok decent father, people change we see things differently. All you can do is be best parent you can and be there for fall out. Kids are pretty good at seeing the important stuff.

As the kids grow older they will see him for what he is and has been

Exactly as notapizzaeater says, they will cop on to his bollocks along the way (in more polite language though, I expect ).

You are their constant, their light at the tunnel end, their Oracle. As long as you are there, they will be fine.

He will just have a fun "uncle" role. They will enjoy the gifts and treats but you will be their support, cheerleading, comfort etc.

I don't think I need CBT. I can't see how it can help me. I've been going along to the sessions and failing to understand how any of it applies to me and this situation. Sure, I can see how it could help in other areas - I possibly have general underlying anxiety/depression issues which got me into this mess in the first place - but as it stands, for the situation right now, I'm looking at the techniques we've been taught and the exercises they've given us to work on at home, and they don't apply. Because none of this is within my control. It's all external and I can't control how he behaves or how he talks to me or treats me. I can try to control my reactions and try to be prepared for the worst, try to stay calm and show him I'm in control, but ultimately the things that are causing me anxiety, the panic attacks, are not within my control. I only feel that way when he does something to make me feel that way. No one else has ever made me feel like that, ever. Or am I contradicting myself here?

We're doing something called cognitive restructuring. Challenging your negative thoughts and turning them into more balanced ones. So for example, whenever I feel angry, upset, anxious, panicky, disappointed, nauseous etc..and start to think negatively - he doesn't care about us, he's going to come back and make life hell for me, he's going to shout me down and not take me seriously etc. etc., it's not me being negative as such because they are facts, which have been proven time and time again. I can't challenge facts. I can challenge irrational fears and hypothetical negative thoughts, but how can I use this technique to strengthen my own ability to overcome this situation?

I don't know is the answer. I feel like the only way I can deal with it is to have the practical side of things sorted out: solicitor, mediator, benefits, support network, figuring out how I can move out of this house and keep my children with me and keep them safe and happy.

I don't think I need CBT because I know without him I'm fine.
I don't know. I'm still so confused.

Plus it's the first of the month and I locked away all my anxiety and worry so that I could focus on other things last month and now is the time the shit is actually going to hit the fan.

Perhaps I've already been using CBT type techniques without me even knowing it? That's one of the techniques, using worry time (saving up your hypothetical worrying for a set time) and that's what I've done actually. But now it's worry time again and I don't know what to do. Feel like a rabbit in headlights.

I feel like a need to write a list of things I need to do and go through them one by one.

Sorry for thinking aloud, again, it helps writing it down on this thread and then reading it back. It's not the same just drafting it to myself.

Bingo: first of the month and I can't control my worries or tears right now. I haven't cried for at least a month because I told myself not to and that I'd worry later. I'm shit scared again now though. Don't know what to do. Ignore my previous post!!! I've kept my feelings at bay. Now they are coming back with a vengeance.

Just ticked off a few things off my list - they were easy ones but feel so much better already. Bloody overactive worry brain, shush and shut up!

I think you have done so well, just this "I can try to control my reactions and try to be prepared for the worst, try to stay calm and show him I'm in control" shows that you understand it is not rational to fall apart because he says or does something
I would look back on this man as the person you met in Uni, he was just a young man then, & you would not have been pushed about or manipulated by him then. He is ultimately still the same person.
He is just another human being, he is no better than you; He makes money, you have made children... that was a deal, but he didn't want to play by the rules.
So you have said you aren't happy & are ending the partnership.
He can not change this. he can trail his feet, he can fight about finances, but in the end it will come out in the wash.
Put your point to him like you would anyone else. there's no point in flaring arguments (which he will manufacture), just look him in the eye & speak calmly, even he knows the love has gone, what would be the point of holding on, or drawing it out ? other than to create more hurt & pain.

Sounds like you have experienced a Dark Night of the Soul. And you have done some useful stuff despite this.

AAUI CBT is basically a method of teaching mental strategies - strategies that (some of) humankind has used for millenia. Not surprisingly, you have already discovered and used some of them yourself.

I would suggest continuing the CBT, but instead of using Huge Emotional things in the process, use lesser emotional things. Your unconscious brain will take the learning it needs, and will apply it to the HE things anyway. (This is based on my training in NLP, a subset of which is similar to CBT.)

Thank you both. Mix, I have never actually thought of it as irrational to fall apart because of the things he does. I just thought it was a normal, even an expected or likely reaction. But it doesn't have to be I suppose. If he were treating a friend like that, they'd just end the friendship without a second thought. (And I know I would have a long time ago if we didn't have children).
Silvery - thank you, I can see sense in that. I might try out my exercises again with smaller problems, ones unrelated to him even and see how they work. Maybe if I feel more in control or at one with other stuff I'll have less stuff to worry about in general.
You geniuses

That feeling of anxiety prevents you from achieving your goals and cbt willk help to lessen it. In the long term that is helpful even if it isn't helping with the current situation. It is about stopping your thoughts from cintrolling your actions. If toy feel in control of yourself you can deal with stuff better whether it is deciding on what's for tea or reading his emails. Cbt is for you as a person not for specific situations. I hope that helps you see it a bit more positively.

Hi Mo, you've been very clever locking things away. It's an excellent strategy. So, having done that successfully, you have realised that getting in a stew when he says or does something is unnecessary and, as Mix says, irrational - he's not the boss of you. You are so right, if a friend treated you like that you'd end the friendship. This is a relationship which has run its course and is now damaging.

You are so strong, you will get through this and have such a happy life.

I can't believe this is my life. Bonkers.
Tuesday wine talking.

when you are in the eye of the storm (as you are) it isn't necessarily the right time to be doing therapy. You need to be ready really to start seeing things and changing things to do it and that is sometimes just time.

BUT everyones problems are caused by external problems that are seemingly out of your control and the point is that you cannot control that (someone close to you dying, husband having affair etc) but you CAN change your thought process and how you deal with it o CBT absolutely will help you when you are ready.

I think you are right that you will feel better and in control when you deal with the practical stuff so yes go see solicitor sort out bank stuff etc.

i'm sure you are dong great!

I wonder if you are waiting for him to agree to this separation? He won't because it will cost him money. but you don't need his approval.
If he had an affair & said it was over, it would be over. No doubt about it.
The only factor that is holding you back is him ignoring you. & you are scared of him.
When he is back tell him that legally in the immediate instance you are entitled to stay in the house with the children & he will have to go elsewhere as you are no longer a couple. Once he is back instead of terrifying you I would say that it is good that he will be present & you will be able to make him sign papers etc. therefore not postponing & leaving you in emotional & financial turmoil

Mix, he won't contest my right to stay in the house, because he knows he can't, but if I say (as I said last time he was here) he has to stay elsewhere, he won't accept it.
I'm sure he's being deliberately sketchy about his return date as it means I can't make any plans or book any appointments, so it keeps him in control. He says it's been delayed, but won't say for how long. It is possible that is true, but I think he knows more than he's telling me. It keeps me on my toes, after all. I wouldn't be surprised if he's dragging things out over there too.

Donners, I think you're right: don't think it's helping me much now because my focus is elsewhere now, I think i have dealt with my anxiety/depression in my own way by setting it aside while I deal with other things, and that's helped. But it is good to have knowledge of CBT and keeping it in reserve for when I ultimately need it.

When he's here in the flesh and making things difficult for me, I hope I can handle him better than I did the last time. But there's no way I can be sure about that. I am 100% sure I'm being rational and reasonable, I am getting on with things the best way I can on my own and I'm happy, capable, in control and even optimistic about things when I don't have any contact with him. He's going to return and turn everything upside down and try to make me feel out of control again.

See, I'm fine now Thank you for being there

Isn't the very fact that you can set aside your anxiety showing that you aren't clinically depressed? Anxious & stressed, yes.
Depression is something that is "put aside" as far as I am aware.

I think I would change the locks. I know technically it isn't legal, but neither is financial abuse. It would be interesting to see how he dealt with that !
you could say you lost your key & had to borrow money from yr parents to change the locks, & anyway as he cannot live under the same roof as you are no longer a couple , there is no need for him to have a key. It might just make him understand it's real.

isn't !

What plans and appointments are you thinking of Mo, could you not just go ahead with them and if it doesn't fit in with him if he comes back then it's just tuff titty to him. X

"I think I would change the locks"

Maybe you could claim that you had to change them for some reason.

Mix - I would agree with you, for sure. I'm not depressed. But when I went to the GP a few weeks back I was at my lowest, and somehow have lifted myself out of it. For now.

Regarding the locks, I just can't do that. What would it achieve other than to antagonise him? I'm scared of the reaction it would provoke to be honest. My inclination is just to keep as sweet as I can and to avoid being accused of any unreasonable behaviour.

Plans and appointments, I mean setting a date with the mediator and also summer plans. I'm taking the kids on a cheap holiday and he can't stop me.

You book that holiday my brave lady...and have the best time ever x

Happy Holidays, and good for you Mo.