FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

When I was getting divorced, my aim was to keep the house. The alternative (which Ex wanted) was for us to sell the house. While fighting tooth and nail for what I wanted, I also researched and planned for the alternative.

The plan is to mediate with him and negotiate what you want - is that correct? But he is not engaging with mediation. How long are you prepared to wait for him to engage?

I know it was different in my case, as I was going through formal divorce settlement negotiation, but my solicitor referred us to mediation once court proceedings had begun, as this is what court would prefer. Mediator wrote a letter, separately, to each of us, requesting each made an assessment appointment. I made and attended mine, to find Ex had not even rung them!

This was about 3 weeks after the initial letters from mediator. She signed the case off immediately at my appointment. Ex would never have attended, even with follow up (and it would have cost him (as it did me) £100 - he was that strange beast, a miserly cocklodger)).

I understand totally where your inertia is coming from Mo. International moves with young children are so challenging and if people have not experienced them they tend to think of it as like any other house move- they are not! Add to that the fact that you are doing it for HIM and not yourself or your children and you have an emotionally depleting and exhausting process. Besides he should be providing a home for his family of the standard they are used to due to his international career and you all following him around and making sacrifices. But I guess you have to weigh that against your emotional well being and whether staying put is worth being under his control for any longer.

Oh I didn't realise. You are intending on relying on his good will to pay half the mortgage for a house he's not living in? Until the kids are 18? Or out of college?

Have you broached that idea with him recently?

Tbh, I am confused. Have the two of you actually separated? Or are you just living separately until he comes home?

Mo, maybe it's time for a bit of re-assessment. When did you start your first thread?

When your first thread started, he was controlling bastard who was trying to keep you barefoot in the kitchen. You had no money, had to go cap in hand to him for essentials, debase yourself and appease him in order to buy school uniform. You had barely enough money for food and could only buy in one shop for which he had given you a card.

Maybe now is a time to look back, and see what has changed in all that time, how much further on you are.

You are a sensible, intelligent, resourceful woman, yet you are blocking your own exit by creating hurdles for yourself. Like this rule you have created, that you can only move out voluntarily if you buy immediately, buy locally and it is something of a similar standard. Well, that's just setting yourself up to fail.

Similarly the fighting for the house. He won't even pay CM. He won't even see the mediator. There is no fight. There is just him keeping you firmly under his thumb. It's working out very very well for him right now. Why would he change?

You can get your hands on a big fat lump of equity (all that paying off quickly will help you now). You could rent somewhere close enough to keep the family, friends and school. You wouldn't even have to have a job by then if you paid a year in advance (unlike for a mortgage).

There's something else going on in your head Mo that is frantically pushing the logic away.

I must agree with the last few posts. You are saying you have separated since April but nothing really has changed. He is still paying the bills and you are relying on the cuntcard to live still.

All that's changed is you have decided in your own head you are separated. ?

You are also hoping that a man who gives you 80p a day to live on and who limits cash and barely sees his kids is going to just roll over and agree to pay half the mortgage on a house he doesn't live in, while he also pays for a property for himself . Mo you must see that's not going to happen. He doesn't legally have to do that. So why would he? ???

You have to be proactive and I'm afraid realistic. You haven't split at all my love. Nothing has changed so of course he thinks he's coming home at Xmas. Why wouldn't he? It's his house too and nothing has changed!

I'm afraid I agree, Mo. The only difference is he isn't going to have sex with you (but he is definitely probably getting it elsewhere already). He won't mind. And no, he isn't going to pay half of the mortgage for a house he won't live in.

Your children don't need to live in a large house. They need a happy mother.

Also: even if he were willing to pay half a mortgage for a house that he won't live in, can't you see that that would be a way to keep you tied to him? There would be that tie between you to, and he would definitely use it to control it -- threatening not to pay unless you do what he says.

You need to have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with this man other than your children. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.

Blimey, I've taken a bit of a thrashing. But ok fair points from all of you, I can see what you're all saying.

You have not taken a thrashing, that is not the intention, we are all very much supporting you & trying to advise, but from this side of the fence, we can only say we think you aren't making the best decisions for your ultimate happiness.
I think he knows you are so incapacitated by his dominance & crushing EA, that you will not act. & so far you haven't.

In Mo defends she has done a lot, he's still out the country so even if she wanted to sell she needs his agreement/paperwork sorted first. He's the one needs to sort out what he is doing in regards to house % or if he's going screw them over. While he refuses to say what's he's planning there's not much Mo can do. Sometimes getting untangled takes time, don't think moving to a one bed flat just to get out while he's been out the country most of the year would have given her (or kids) the physical or emotional space to sort anything out. Have every faith in you Mo!

Morning you can apply for an order of sale. No matter he's abroad. Nobody is suggesting you move before the house is sold. Sorry that should be mo not morning, glass of wine in! No need to think of one bed flats.

Mo? Am I getting muddled here, but am I right in thinking you are not married?

They're not married; no.

Mo, please don't see this as a thrashing. You're an incredibly strong and intelligent person, and it says a lot about you that you've realised that you are in a terrible relationship and have the courage to want to get out. It's perfectly understandable that you want to protect your children (particularly since that git isn't remotely interested).

What we mean to say, as external outlookers, is that you shouldn't expect any help from him, and you shouldn't rely on that. From your point of view (and from any normal person's point of view), your preferred solution is completely reasonable. But he's not a reasonable person. He's a hugely selfish, entitled, and controlling man who is willing to let his children go hungry rather than lose control over his precious money or you. And he won't let you go that easily. So you need to fight to be frer with what you can. And what you have is your house.

These threads have been a great source of comfort Mo, but I can understand why you would see the latest comments as a thrashing, this is after all your reality and none of us can put ourselves in your position.

I do wonder, where do you want to be in another 6 months? Still waiting to see if P(rick)is going to respond to your mediation attempts? Still having to survive on benefits money because he financially abused, and continues to abuse you?

Still in limbo?

There is genuine concern for you because frankly you sound like a wonderful Mum and person who deserves a whole fucking lot better than this. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we could click our heels 3 times and give you that Mo, but it would be even better if you found your own sparkly shoes and kicked him in the bollocks with them (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Mo, just wanted to suggest to you that your situation and reactions are very typical of someone who has experienced abuse. Even though in reality you could make moves to break out of your current circling around, you cannot see it this.

This sort of scenario is called 'learned helplessness'. Have a google. This is the sort of thing: www.growbeyondwords.com/why-abuse-can-create-learned-helplessness/

I think just recognising what is happening to you will help you start to break out of the mental prison. You do have the key. You just forgot about it.

You've been harsh on me but I understand why you've all said what you've said. Harsh to me because I'm still accepting that the man I thought was my soul mate many years ago is actually a toxic version of that person and the fact he's not physically here reminding me of why I despise what he's become on a daily basis is clouding my judgment. I accept that is what's happening here. His absence is making things a lot harder for me to work out how to move forwards as I easily slip into thinking he's not that bad, because if he were here, I'd be a lot angrier and it would be a lot easier for me to use that anger as a motivation to change my life and cut him out of it.
I admit that I still still still think it hard to think of his behaviour as abuse.

Oh mo it is hard to think that it is abuse
Because like me you're probably thinking well I loved him he loved me, I picked him, how could I be that bad a judge of character?
But, he presented the face he needed to to get what he wanted, ie a conventional wife and 2.8 kids house etc.,
You need to mourn the man you had. He is no longer, that man who lived you is gone, this man in his place is. It your friend and will never do the decent tho g by you.
That was the hardest thing for me to realise as I thought how could he do these things to me the woman he loved who had his children?
Please try and contact women's aid for you to do a freedom course, you could do it online I fact.
You are doing incredibly well seeing as you are the normal compassionate human being and he, well he is not the man you love anymore.

Mo, I'm sorry if you feel we're being harsh, I don't think we are, I think we are trying to gently point out that you really do have options.
I can see how hard it must be to see this as abuse, and accept he is not the man you hoped he would be.
You know, it doesn't really matter if this is abuse or not (although I firmly believe it is) being unhappy is a plenty good reason to end a relationship and a poster upthread was quite right when she said that you have only really separated in your own mind. His absence is allowing you to coast along and doubt yourself. Whatever happens, stay or go we will be here to support you, it's your life and only you know the everyday reality. In a stressful situation it can be so hard to see the wood for the trees, I think we have just tried to point out that clearing is there.
You are not ready just yet to make the big jump, totally understandable, we are just trying to show you that if you do jump there is a net.
Maybe you will decide to accept this as your life until all the children are in FTE and you have more time to work, save etc. It's your life and your decision. We can only respond to the things you tell us, and the things you do tell us about him make him sound appalling, but we haven't met him and don't know of any good side, the sides that make you doubt yourself. I do though, get the idea you are a much stronger woman than you give yourself credit for.

It is somehow easier to act if you have something to resist against, some sort of traction. Because he is not there and only participating through inaction, you are left with your wheels spinning, so to speak.

When you are stuck in the mud like that, it is time to consider alternatives (dig yourself out with a spade, get a tractor to haul you out...) That's all I was trying to say. If you can start to research some other alternatives (even ones that seem on the face of it to be impossible), you may be able to see more possibilities opening up.

In the meantime, sending warm wishes your way.

Hoy you doing Mo, is everything ok? X

Mo, yes it is hard to believe that one can be so mistaken in another person. You do have reminders of what he is like in front of you every day, it's just you're so used to them you're not noticing any more. The grocery shopping for instance: are you still shopping with a store card which has a precise amount of money on it? you can't go where you like, or just pop to the corner shop for milk.

How are you now Mo? Is he back for Christmas?

How are you? Hope all is well.