FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

Have you been on holiday with him Grumpy?
I tend to automatically romanticise every memory...well, they weren't all like that, we did have good times, and I focus on them as I've probably edited out the bad bits. I easily forget the bad, which is probably why I stuck it out with him for so long.

I asked him why he's changed the cuntcard top up date (somewhat facetiously) as it's still empty and he replied with a list of dates and amounts to somehow prove I'm wrong which I shall have to probably trawl through to point out his errors (he's forgetting when it was late or when I actually told him we had zero but he still refused to give me any money). What a waste of time and energy, again...

In the waiting room for the CBT and it's predominantly female.

Hope it goes well tonight. Try to be brave and open up.

It's interesting sitting in a room like this with a bunch of strangers all here for the same thing, even if for different reasons. Makes you really realise you're not alone. Of course you guys do too!

Hope it went well!

It did! I'm actually looking forward to the homework. Doing this course feels like a really positive, proactive thing to do.

But there were some people a lot worse than me there

Well done. And if you feel physically and emotionally drained thereafter, put it down to this.

Loving the new names, Mo. KOKO!! You are doing so well!

Well done tonight, your user name is a lovely cocktail bar should you ever fancy a weekend in St Albans I would be happy to take you to for a small tipple

Haha Double, I like the sound of that

I've woken up with a bit of panic and fear though. I've been keeping thoughts of him well suppressed but now I have to reply to him it's triggered it all off again. This is one of the things I need to work on: how to stop myself reacting like this every time there is an interaction with him. Out of the blue I start panicking about him being back in this house, about not being able to have a discussion with him, and generally about reaching the point where we put the house on the market. I can feel physically quite shaky when I start thinking about all of that. He is so obviously making me suffer as much as possible, he knows it's over, I know he's told at least two people, but he is refusing to cooperate until he's actually here. So I know he will come back to the house. And I can't stop him.

The CBT can also have triggered this - in a good way. You are giving yourself permission to think about this surreal situation during your counselling and your brain needs to be able to process that. You've been running on adrenaline keeping everything together, counselling is about longer term solutions to managing the stress.

Why do you have to reply to him? Is this in relation to when the cuntcard is going to be topped up? Is he demanding you refute his list of dates and times before he will do the top-up? What will happen if you don't respond? Bear in mind, he clearly hates it when you refuse to take the bait - that should be reason enough not to reply in my view.

Have you taken any advice from SHL about managing the physical separation once he returns to the UK? On the plus side, it will be nearly school hols so there is the option to get away with the dc (to friends, parents, whatever) without having to be tied to the area.

He's very good at skewing facts so I think this is one particular area where I feel loss of control as it makes me doubt myself and if I'm not on top of something fact wise I have to do the work - and hope I have all the evidence to back it up - to regain control.
At least I'm aware of this now. How long did I let him behave this way towards me.
I know once I've cross checked his 'facts' I'll feel better. Will do that today.

It's probably useful to have his behaviour logged systematically anyway - did you start doing that in terms of cataloguing emails and so on?

However, it's also important that you fight the urge to 'win' these pointless and protracted arguments - it's a distraction from the more important business of severing your life from his. Ultimately it doesn't matter a damn whether you can find every shred of evidence - there's an absolute abundance of it to support the fact he is utterly unreasonable.

Maybe gather the evidence for your own peace of mind but don't respond to him for several days at least. Don't let him know he's getting to you.

You're right, it is all utterly pointless. But he feels like he's winning if he continues it and I like to let him know he's not. But you're right, it's a distraction from the bigger picture.

He's going to be utterly convinced of his rightness regardless of anything you do. I understand why you don't want to let it stand when you know he's wrong, but you also know how effective silence can be.

Hi Mo , [flourishes pompoms from the sidelines] He may think that he is 'winning' when he 'wins' a battle, but you know he has lost the war. I would guess that he enjoys the power trip of making you do something, even if it is only getting the facts together to refute him. This is my long winded way of agreeing with others who say that not jumping to his tune is the more powerful way forward. You wont be doing it much longer, why not start now as you mean to go on? He may also be hoping, albeit subconsciously, to distract you from what really matters.

I would encourage you to save your energy for the things that matter and not let yourself get distracted by irrelevances like his £&:(ness.

Has the mediation person got her act together, and set some timelines yet? All the very best for a long time lurking fan of MoKoKo.

Hi Mo sorry he's being ass about change days and amounts, but guess he's not got much to fight you with being away so this is great fish on hook for him. You are doing great anything sort of clubbing him to death shows amazing restraight!

Hope thers something nice in cards for weekend x

It's warm and sunny and I'm sitting outside watching the kids play and have a beer on the go. Sounds lovely, right? I've got plans for tonight, all of tomorrow and everything sounds like it should be all fine. Yet inside I feel low low low, I feel weak and pathetic, I can't stop thinking how it feels like I've been primed and conditioned and beaten down for so many years and why didn't I do something about it before.
I know I am a broken record! How many times over six months have I said the same sort of thing.
But on the plus, I know it's a low, and I will come out of it. I have an ability to show confidence and happiness on the outside and I know I fool many people. But I don't fool myself!

Happy Friday all....
It's ok, I can still laugh at myself...

Pleas be kind to yourself mo. Could you really have known this was going to happen when you first met him? I imagine that he was on his best behaviour for a time and that the abuse built up slowly.
You have made some huge steps towards getting away from this man, steps you might have imagined weren't possible only six months ago. He can't stop you, whatever he thinks, he will not control you anymore!

Thank you Flanders. I know it's just a feeling, that feeling a failure feeling. I know it will go. Good job I've started CBT because moods are so hard to handle. It's all very bizarre. I did my CBT homework earlier and I can see it's possible this all comes from that. I think I've set too hard a goal to start with for myself and I should take it easier. I am just an impatient person generally and I want to sort things NOW!!!

Also, just had a response from mediator. She says she needs to remain neutral so she can't pressurise him but can go back and suggest fixing a date - thank goodness. I'll tell her to do that. I can tell from her tone though that she can obviously read his behaviour too, from experience, but understandably she can't take sides. So frustrating, how an abuser can play their games with everyone to keep getting their way.

Actually, how the hell is this mediator going to control things if this is what he does? He is going to totally play a game if we ever get that far, and it makes me even more anxious. He is going to put his best professional front and totally fool her hook line and sinker. Everyone thinks he's so amazing and professional and infallible.

I know all I need is a job and I'll be sorted. Money, something else to focus on, something to boost my confidence, self satisfaction, sense of purpose. Obviously not xP's idea of the job I should get!!! That would grind me down to a pulp. Fucker. God why am I so angry now????? I want to snap out of this. Fast.

Shit I'm ranting away to myself...!