FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

Haha Akire, that would be the ultimate full on exposure therapy!!! But it might make me vom first though

You know the ping when you get on your phone for example that you know can only be from a certain source...well there is a certain ping I get (at xP's most predictable time to contact) that I get which sets me off right away. Maybe I could do ping therapy.

Anyway he set me off this morning with a crappy msg about how the environment needs to be a certain way in order for him to get the most out of Skype...ODFOD...can I control how my kids behave when talking to him, what should I do, strap them down to the chair and lock the door so they can't escape? This feels typical to me of him not getting that his kids are not robots and can say or do as they please (within reason) - he'll try his best to use the same shitty methods to control them too.

Some behaviour of my eldest's yesterday suddenly struck me as similar to xP's which scared me a little. He was playing with friends and they decided they wanted a break from what DS was doing for a while and to do something else - DS got very upset and stomped off on his own and I couldn't reason with him or persuade him just to go with it, join in, and then go back to original activity. He wouldn't have it. Really worried me that this was an early control thing learned from xP - or is that just kids and I'm reading too much into it?

Anyhow I've had a chat with him and he admitted he didn't like them making a different decision...I explained to him that can happen all the time and he needs to be a bit more flexible with his friends.

Exhausting, the SHIT xP has created for me in so many forms.

Apologies for the waffly waffle.

Yes Fate I know I can. I just thought more in the way of bringing it up, another display of how serious I am.

Phone ping sounds excellent idea can you set it off on phone maybe 3 times day like 9-12-3 so you be busy with kids same time but it be on background same time.

The Skype thing is werid when I FaceTime neices and nephews luckily if get hello and goodbye if you get sentence of what they did at nursery that's amazing. He get no love telling them off making them play ball they are not robots.

Exactly! Kids hate FaceTime/Skype - they are much more interested in anything but that unless guided by an adult, even then they are itching to get away. But because I don't even guide them (except for the odd 'go back and tell him about what you did at school' or something) it's a bit of a car crash.
Actually last time I happened to be in the room (answered in bed which was awkward!) and so the kids were distracted by me and were talking to me, which he told me off for! So I can't win, whether I'm there or not there, it's still not good enough for him...he'll have a go me for absolutely anything it seems. Whatever next.

Ping therapy sounds exactly right. Then maybe go on to imagining Skype scenarios in increasing levels of difficulty. Don't rush it, take it at a pace you're OK with otherwise it won't work so well (I say that from what I can remember of desensitisation studies I read at Uni 10+ years ago).

Do get on with some practical things while he's not there; house valuations at least.

Enjoy your weekend, Mo, KOKO You're doing fabulously!

Sheesh, doesn't this guy love to hand off his every responsibility on to you?

The car crash skyping is his problem, not yours. He's going to have to get his head around contact with his kids being now entirely down to him: he has to put some effort into his kids and do things that make them want to talk with him or they're going to vote with their feet. It's going to come as a shock to him, but that's not your issue to solve. Doesn't affect you in any way. Nothing to do with you until the kids want your help and involvement.

Relying on your partner to enable your Skype sessions, help you wrangle your kids and prompt them how to have conversations with an inept person who can't talk to his own kid by himself is a partner thing. It's done by someone who wants to help you because they love you. Your partnership is over. Your desire to help and enable him? Long gone. You voted with your feet. (Does he see a pattern emerging yet?)

Mo rumblings post is excellent and IMO if he sends any more messages dictating this, then I would be inclined to send what rumbling wrote.

He will have a shock when he has to entertain, feed, bathe three children who are of differing ages and sex, on his lonesome. Diddums.

That's what I'm worried about, Rumbling. I genuinely don't know if he's competent enough to ever look after them alone. He obviously knows how to and would be insulted if I ever suggested to him that I thought him incompetent but it's the general lack of attention towards them that could be seen as neglect that worries me. He thinks they are fine, they can manage by themselves, they don't need to be watched all the time. It only takes five minutes off the ball for something to happen, we all know that. But it's not only that, it's the lack of nurturing care - the lack of concern for their general wellbeing, but as you said that part is his problem and the DC will pick up on the difference between the way I care for them and the way he does.
I suppose if we get to mediation, that (the neglect part) will be something I will have to bring up as it genuinely worries me.

In the long term I suspect you're going to end up needing CAFCASS involved. They and a judge are going to take into account in the long time he's spent out of the country away from them, your evidence that on return to the country he was not interested in spending time with them and went off to do his own thing, that he bought himself a takeaway and ate it after deciding that what food was in the house (that you and kids were eating and was permissible on his budget) was not suitable for him.... why don't you record a couple of the skype calls just in case they might be useful?

When parents separate, the parent with the weaker parenting skills has two options. To step up and do something about it - if they are motivated to keep a relationship with their kids - or to give up/hand off the parenting to someone else. I think I remember you mentioning before his idea of childcare is to hand them to his mum, and of discussion on a previous thread that his idea of spending time with and seeing the children was to do his own thing in the house where the children were. Preferably while the children were cared for and supervised by someone else.

Is contact at his mum's house where in fact his mum will be doing the child care and supervision something you can raise in mediation? I wonder if that won't be his plan anyway.

Haven't posted for a while but have been lurking and sending vibes of strength your way.

I agree on getting the house valued yourself - getting out of my marriage we argued for a while re settlement, while not knowing what the house was actually worth! ex was using a Zoopla estimate, and actually when I did get it valued it had lost a scary amount (we bought at the height of the market in 2005 and we are in the NE).

It had already taken ages (and MN) for the penny to drop that I didnt need his permission to initiate divorce, and much longer (and a Form E to complete) for me to get the house valued. We were both still living there, he "worked" from home and I was on the sick, so I went and caught the estate agent outside and explained I needed a "true" valuation. The figure she gave was the same as the proper Marital Home valuation we agreed to have during court procedings for financial settlement.

I know your situation is different in that you are not married, my point is that estate agents can be very understanding. And it really helped me mentally to have a specific figure for the house value.

How's your week been Mo ?

Hi notapizzaeater. Had a good week thanks. But the end of my busy period is nigh and I'm getting nervous!
I need to find out if he has a return date yet and also - even if it's fruitless - remind him that coming back to the family home is not a good idea.
I haven't told the DC yet but I know I have to. I've been putting it off and there never seems to be a right time. I know it will be better once it's over with as I feel like I'm deceiving them (but not actually lied about anything) which is getting to me.
I'm not enjoying the group CBT and think 1-1 would be better. I'm finding it hard to apply a lot of it to me and my situation. I think because I know he's the sole cause, and I know I'm fine when I have xP-free periods. Maybe it will be more relevant once I'm dealing with him in the flesh again. Shudder.
I can't believe six months have gone by since I started my freedom journey...

Enjoying CBT?! Obviously I didn't expect to enjoy it...poor choice of word. Not getting as much as I hoped out of it I mean.

Can you organise 1:1 CBT instead then?

Have you had valuations on the house? Not nagging, but as you see, time flies by.....

Yes I will ask about 1:1 CBT.
Not done any valuations! Do you think I should let him know when I do, as in a reminder of the reality of what's going on?

Hi Mo good to see you, I think you should get valuation done before gets back just so you have basic idea of house. Plus if he then starts throwing around a figure for "all you going get" crap then you can say well according to my finacial advice I know it's worth X. Shows you mean business and that you are capable of doing these money tasks he seems think beyond your little woman brain.

Plus it's unlikely he's going to be the one to sort it at least if you met a few EA then you can better choose one time to go on market plus if they know your position they may be more helpful in helping you find someone to rent if it comes to that. An estate agency who knows you will have £££ is better postion to argue your corner with local landlord who may not like renting to someone on benefits than someone without house sale as back up

Akire, you make a great point about getting in with some estate agents who could also help with renting. Thank you smart lady.
Time for more action now, less distractions.
Starting to shake like a leaf.
On the plus just had a great night out with an old dear friend. My support network is all in place and in anticipation of another potential meltdown from me...

Glad you had a night out, hope shaking improves :) least if you have a melt down plenty of people to scrap you up and stick you back in mold!

One thing which will help you through much/most things when he gets back is the Freedom Programme. This is something which will strengthen you beyond recognisability!

Google it and see if you can find one near you, as if there is one thing you can do which will ensure you don't break, it's that.

I'm glad you've got your rl personal support net in place, shore it up with a professional one too - CBT and Freedom Programme.

How are you doing Mo? Hope all well and that you are continuing to stay positive

Ok I've heard so many positive things about the freedom programme now so will look into it.

So today I had a bit of a rattle. Don't want to give details but his message seems to have been designed with the sole purpose of attacking, accusing and upsetting me by blaming me for his waning relationship with his children. Either that or he genuinely believes he is a god-like figure because he supplies the money and should be worshipped at all costs, even by his children who are obviously too young to appreciate that.

Anyhow the usual pattern ensued: red mist, rant, draft an angry reply back, offload to a few friends, cool down, ponder how best to reply, have eureka moment, delete waffly draft, reply calmly with a fist pump and two fingers up.

So my conclusion: whenever he winds me up, whether deliberately or not, the key is NONCHALANCE, not to appear bothered or ruffled by it, feign ignorance of what he is attempting to do and to not to fall into his trap.

He may well come back again and try to press another button, but I'm confident my tone and coolness is absolutely faultless - because I've done NOTHING wrong! Accuse ME for his failings as a parent? Accuse me because his children aren't falling at his feet with admiration and adoration? Piss off.

I still needed to offload a bit, clearly. Chest feels lighter now

Forgot to include he is still acting incredibly paranoid about me handling his beloved money. Suspicious I'm not spending it on what I say I'm spending it on etc, quizzing me and trying to find holes in anything I say or do. I shut that down too btw.

Well said mo you are right it's not your fault!

I heard once that unconditional love comes from puppies. And only puppies. You cannot expect to be loved as a parent without doing some, er, actual parenting. Even when he came back after months working away he was more concerned with catching up with his golf buddies than his children.

You are the everyday presence in your children's lives. You are there for them. Even if you frequently feel like you are going mad, or doing a poor job, or grinding your teeth in frustration, or can't provide some material things. You are there.