FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

Mo, the mediator will not be fooled. She will have seen it all before. But mediation may not succeed, instead it may be an interim step.

Rather than let your thoughts go round like a squirrel Jon a cafe, on the tread wheel if panic, can you make a list if the things you need to do?

Short term, DCs, shopping, doing freedom plans ( draw up a plan..) this weekend
Medium term, continue the planting, weed pulling up the ring ground Ivy and cinquefoil so you'll get a better price, sorting out the documents into files, even giving things to charity, meetings with SHL, mediator, bank, etc, little job

Long term looking at flats and schools etc.

Focusing your mind onto the practical usually helps. Along with a brisk walk and a beer...

I honestly think if we do find ourselves in a room with the mediator, and get to several sessions, it will be a waste of time. I think it's just a process I have to get through to as he will NEVER give up his game. He's never compromised an afternoon, let alone anything bigger.

Anyhow yes and thank you Orlanda: to the little things. A list is a good idea. I feel like I'm walking around in a daze sometimes.

A squirrel Jon a cafe? And I haven't touched a drop.. A squirrel in a cage...

Yup. That's exhaustion and worry. Small steps, chunk it up into little things.. Get fresh air.

I can't stop thinking how it feels like I've been primed and conditioned and beaten down for so many years and why didn't I do something about it before

This is what I went through. As I mentioned before, my previous partner raped and cheated on me and I still couldn't see it for what it was...despite being a supposedly intelligent woman.

I made excuses, I didn't face up to how things really were.

He didn't rape me, he was just too excited by me, he didn't mean to cheat and he loved me.

By suddenly then start to realize how it'd actually mean, I meant I'd been a victim. Me, a victim! I never saw myself as a victim, didn't want to be a victim because I felt that made me weak or lacking intelligence to see it.

It had to be that I wasn't a victim because I felt more vulnerable at this realization than when I was oblivious and living in it.

I preferred to victim blame (me being the victim) because then it meant that I'd actually had some control and choice and taking on responsibility that wasn't mine actually made me feel stronger.

When I started to break down this thinking I'd very ever felt as vulnerable, frightened and upset as I did then. It was harder to face up to the realization I was the victim than it was living life unawares as a victim.

That's when I felt at my lowest, the daw I g realization but without yet having gained the coping strategies and though processes to work through it.

This is some of what I was alluding to when I commented previously about sticking with it and how hard it was.

So, I'm not surprised you're feeling low and pathetic or questioning why you didn't do something before. It's something I went through too and leant to work through. You will too if you promise yourself to keep going, even when things get harder. It'll be worth it

They do say (or so I have read on many a thread on here) that mediation is often a futile task when it comes to dealing with abusers. They can so easily put on their charming, professional face, and appear to have everyone fooled. It does sound like your mediator has measure of him already, as he is clearly playing his game with you both, but like you say, she has to remain neutral. What is the aim of the mediation sessions again? Are they just another step in the process?

Would it be feasible for you to send a dated letter for the mediator (which you keep a copy of for your file) that you understand she has to remain neutral, but his delaying and not engaging in order to control you is a strong part of how he abuses you, so if he has not engaged with her and made a definite commitment by x date (be reasonable about this) then you will have to request she signs you off please and passes you on to go to court and withdraw your willingness to engage any further. She has clear evidence of your willingness to engage and co operate, to give him plenty of time to consider and reply, you have been more than reasonable in this process, but you will have to set a limit for your own protection if her neutrality means she is unable to.

And that should be of interest to the judge in court.

If you look at today's BBC top stories, there's one about an Australian woman who was kept in luxury but poverty. She says " I was lucky that he hit me" because the emotional and financial abuse was invisible. It's an interesting article.

Good to see you again Mo, great name too!

I think the mediator will have seen it all before and know his tactic, but she'll have to remain neutral and be seen to be neutral, so I worry you might end up getting frustrated with her thinking she doesn't see it - but she will, she just can't let your ex see that she does because then he'll react in a bad way to that probably.

I just read that Orlanda, thanks. A few interesting similarities. I've had the holidays that look flash from the outside - thankfully never any physical abuse - but if I dared complain about anything I'd be labelled ungrateful.

When he does something that leads you to check the facts, he knows you can't help yourself but check, right?

Time thief.

He has thus controlled your time. He has chosen what you will be doing one night this week, and be worrying about doing other times this week. Perfect execution of stealing several hours of your life from afar.

I've resisted so far. Haven't got time for all that crap.
God he annoyed me this morning. Skyped the kids and lost his patience with them because they kept jumping about and leaving the room, and I thought that's just bloody 15 mins from a distance and you can't handle it, try 24/7 for six months.
Anyway, I have better things to be doing this morning than thinking about his deficiencies!!!
Have a good weekend everyone

MoKoKo you sound amazing. I left my financially abusive husband last year and like you I have three young children who live with me. Ex is in the marital home and we live with my parents for now.

It's a long hard process but I have been happy at least one every single day since I left him. That's a hell of a lot more than I was when I was married to him.

You sound amazing and very strong. I'm with you on this journey X

You'll have to teach me a thing or two, Nightmanagerswife. Am so pleased for you that you got out and that you cherish your happiness now. Fantastic

I hope I can post exactly the same thing this time next year and give strength to other Mos out there.

Hi Mo - sounds like you are doing great! Like all the others say don't jump to his bait. You will look back and regret wasting any time (like I did) proving them wrong with facts because they just twist everything. Probably same with mediation - just time wasting.

Just focus on you and what you can do (and think - yay to the CBT). Your best way out of this is do just do it all for yourself. Not easy and grossly unfair but you have to get financially free of him.

Also (when fed up and discouraged) look at the time - you have endured x years of him, you have decades without him to come - this period to come of awfulness is just a small blip in the grander scheme of things, he is annoying insect on your foot to be trodden on and flicked off.

How has your week been? Hopefully devoid of the annoying fly!

Hi Random! And everyone else. Been v quiet lately I know, but that's a good thing! Past few weeks been very busy, totally distracted from YKW - lots of social stuff, my friends as well as kids' stuff, nights out (have had some v kind babysitters), CBT course, involved with some school stuff. It's been great, I have to say.
But I do have that sense of dread at the back of my mind (think I've waffled about that before). Anyhow, all is well for now. I even had a bit of shock relief from exP as I was all fired up, waiting for a battle with him about something and he just replied with an OK...I nearly fell off my chair. I'm sure it's nothing as radical as a change of heart, I won't read too much into it.
Haven't had time to sit and overthink things, cry or anything like that...but coming out of CBT tonight I had a little two minute sob on the way home. Totally unexpected but I suppose that came from actually being reminded of my troubles.

I even had a bit of shock relief from exP as I was all fired up, waiting for a battle with him about something and he just replied with an OK...I nearly fell off my chair. I'm sure it's nothing as radical as a change of heart, I won't read too much into it.

But there has been a radical change It's you. You are not reacting to him the same as before, he knows you have changed.

Hi happy Friday all especially you mo he gave you something that's great! One small victory to you! Sometimes just getting on and doing the normal takes a lot of courage and strength you are doing great.

Glad you still going with CBT X

I'd said to myself for this month I'd keep thoughts about the future to a minimum and wait until July to start counting down. However I can't help my wandering mind and I keep thinking whether I should contact xP with some direct questions: e.g. we need to get some valuations of the house done, we need to get a date in the diary with the mediator, we need to put some thoughts out there how we are going to handle things when he returns.

I think I'm just gagging for some progress, even though I'd told myself to cool down for now.
Maybe I should just write it down and not send it. I don't know.

Part of my CBT homework is to work on graded exposure, which is confronting a fear or something that causes you anxiety and exposing yourself to it at a low level and gradually increasing it with the idea being your anxiety lessens over time - I am not sure if this is going to work in my case but the counsellor suggested I just try thinking about something that causes me anxiety (rather than doing something as it doesn't really apply in my case)...trying to come up with things is a bit difficult- thinking about opening an email from him? Thinking about past events that have upset me? Thinking about the future and the worry it causes me? I have no idea...I guess I can try them.

I am just thinking out loud btw...somehow just hitting 'post' and reading it back really helps sometimes!

I think that sounds like a good idea Mo, maybe do it on a day when you have other stuff on in the afternoon or evening to distract you, so if it does cause you anxiety you don't have too long to dwell on it?

Was going suggest printing giant size photo and sticking it in kitchen door!

Do think it's reasonable for you to start list of stuff will work when's he's back. Different last time was few weeks. This time no leaving date so no pressure him to do anything. That way you can try work out in mind ideally like him to do X y z. Guess when you start think now it's more anxiety that get to you rather than postive outcomes, understandably.

Or when he Skyped kids you stay room for minute then increase? That would be short bursts?

You could just crack on with the house valuations. You don't need him around or his permission to get the valuers in.