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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FindingNewMo - Part V

412 replies

MoKoKo · 08/06/2016 12:21

Latest one...

OP posts:
Barmaid101 · 06/07/2016 23:44

That's great no! Hope you have a great holiday! Sure the kids will love it!

notapizzaeater · 06/07/2016 23:47

Brilliant news about the holiday, memories for all of you x

mix56 · 07/07/2016 15:55

yes, excellent about the holiday, & will show him that you really are getting into your new Single role

Memoires · 07/07/2016 17:46

Have a lovely holiday, Mo

PhoenixReisling · 07/07/2016 17:49

Great news re: the holiday.

KOKO

FilmaWlintstone · 09/07/2016 20:36

If a

Roseformeplease · 12/07/2016 11:57

How are things, Mo?

Original poster
MoKoKo · 12/07/2016 16:01

Filma...what was she trying to say?!

Rose...I'm ok, but having a really rubbish day. Self esteem wise, I mean. I just feel like an idiot. And that is definitely why I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of and be in this situation with a controlling plonker. If I was even a tiny bit more assertive, or had more confidence...I know it's not all my fault, but it is partially. It really really is. This has been triggered by something that has absolutely nothing to do with him by the way. Just hate the way I react in certain situations and don't want to be like that any more.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 12/07/2016 19:33

Hello lovely Mo would it help you to reframe it as 'I'm getting better at noticing when I don't respond the way I want to. Recognising it is the first step to changing your response....'

If it doesn't help you, please ignore. I've found it useful but who knows about anyone else.

Original poster
MoKoKo · 12/07/2016 21:02

Thanks Finally. Honestly I don't know what would help me at the moment. Bit of a jumbled mumbling bumbling mess at the moment. I can feel so fantastic, and in control one minute, and the next, plof, I'm back in anxiety land. Hate it.

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 12/07/2016 22:34

Mo, you have come such a long, long way. No wonder you are tired and a bit disheartened. This is like mile 22 of a 26 mile marathon. You will get there. You will.

Memoires · 12/07/2016 22:47

Mo, don't be disheartened. As Rose says, you have come a very long way. You are very close to the end, and it often feels harder then.

FinallyHere's suggestion of reframing sounds helpful. I'm going to try it myself as I have been seeing patterns in my life which are seriously unhelpful and I need to find a way to change things. You're not alone when you haveMN!

Holding your hand, lovely. Flowers KOKO

Memoires · 12/07/2016 22:48

Sorry, should have mentioned I'm under a namechange, but have been on your thread since the start.

Original poster
MoKoKo · 12/07/2016 23:26

Thank you all for making me feel better. Sometimes the world seems such a cruel place!

OP posts:
Original poster
MoKoKo · 13/07/2016 00:00

Just another random thought, for anyone who's broken away from any type of abusive relationship (or any kind of relationship in fact): it's funny how suddenly I get all defensive, if anyone, who knows both of us, ever comments 'well, I'm not surprised' or suggests they could see what xP was like but didn't feel like they could ever pass any comment before. This has happened several times now - some people were totally oblivious, but some, who probably never liked P in the first place, have made it plainly obvious that they thought he was an arsehole anyway, and this is going back YEARS. This really saddens me as I wish I'd had some inkling that others were thinking things back then when I was brushing it all aside. Of course I agree with them now, but I feel slightly attacked/accused/weak etc. when it's implied that it was bloody obvious and I should have known sooner.

Anyhow, when this happens, I can't help but downplay how things were because I don't want to feel silly. It's not nice thinking that some people (who I'm relatively close to) were thinking those things for years and I never knew. I wonder if it would have been better to have dropped some hints before, and if I ever spot similar behaviours in anyone I'm close to whether I would now say something or not.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 13/07/2016 01:45

Mo I've had it the other way Sad - friends who don't understand at all - I have not explained how much of a cocklodger he is, because it involves him living off family money gifted to me, and that has been private information (though a v v few close friends and relatives have an inkling). I kept up a facade that he was supporting us throughout my marriage...

Atenco · 13/07/2016 03:47

The trouble is that when you are in love with someone, you fall out with anyone who criticises them. In my foolish youth, OP, I lost several friends through telling them what I thought of their partners. My dd was once nearly raped by a friend's fiancé and when she told her friend, her friend stopped speaking to her and still married the bugger.

But don't feel foolish that you didn't realise, as they say on here, a lot of abusive relationships are like boiling a frog, it creeps up on you little by little until you end thinking the weirdest things are normal.

Original poster
MoKoKo · 13/07/2016 07:35

Oh yes, Silvery, conversely, I have it that way with other people - the same people who think he's charming and funny. But a few who have spent more time with us have picked up on a few things and I wish maybe they'd said something like 'that wasn't very nice of him, to say that to you...' or whatever. But like you say Atenco, I would probably have just brushed it off and shrugged my shoulders.

OP posts:
mix56 · 13/07/2016 08:23

I have spent years telling my bf what a cocklodger, cheat, lazy entitled sponge her P is. She has been on the verge of throwing him out for as long as I can remember. Then he goes on a brief campaign of being useful & attentive....... We know the script.
She is still with him.

You met your P when you were young & he wasn't as despicable as he is now... getting accustomed to someone means you overlook their bad side. after all "no one is perfect" are they ?
Having kids means often you are too busy or exhausted to make a stand.
Being financially abused is a trap in itself. Just how do demand changes equality & make things right when you have children & no where to go....
Inertia & just facing the day become the norm.
Don't beat yourself up over what can't be changed.
Your future is the only thing you need to focus on.

notapizzaeater · 13/07/2016 08:46

Its very hard to tell people that. We've all bit our tongue around people rather than rock the boat. Close people wouldn't say a thing in case it turns you against them

Original poster
MoKoKo · 13/07/2016 09:16

I'm contradicting myself again...one minute wishing people had spoken up, and then the next feel offended when they do tell the truth. Its very hard to get the balance right. The thing is though even if others saw signs and behaviours they didn't like, no one would have known he was controlling me like did/still does if I hadn't told them. No one would have thought someone like me would have taken such shit. And yet I did, for years.
I am trying so hard to focus on the future. And I am boring myself with this constant cycle!

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 13/07/2016 10:12

Sorry - I didnt come over as very supportive... but I do understand.

Grumpyoldblonde · 13/07/2016 11:37

Hi Mo, I am still following your journey. Glad to hear a holiday is on the cards for you.
Nobody is bad/horrible all the time and from the get go - otherwise they would be alone for all time, who would willingly walk into a relationship with a total wanker? Takes time to get to know someone and of course people change and evolve, he probably changed a little with each promotion/payrise.
Anyhoo, still cheering you on!

Original poster
MoKoKo · 14/07/2016 07:00

Help, please.
I have started saving for the future and don't want to squander it on things xP should be paying for.

Therefore from now on, I could just go and get what I need for the kids without going through the whole battle with him every time I need £50, but at the same time, I have nothing to lose if I do enter into a battle with him (except raising my anxiety and stress levels) and making him believe he is still in control of me. This is all before he returns and I can claim via CMS you understand without any of this constant hassle.

A little battle has started. I asked him for some money to buy some clothes for the children. £50 each. Will he transfer it? No, of course he won't. He is asking which stores do I want to buy from because he can get discounts. My knee jerk fucked off response was charity shops mostly. Being high and mighty, he's said oh no, let's treat them to some nice things instead - that's rich of him, isn't it. I told him no, I don't want to be restricted to a store, I can find bargains on my own in various stores and I want to go today so please transfer it.

No. He is insisting with the gift card thing, which would be posted out to me. And has given me a deadline to respond which store! So I have to wait. I'm sort of enraged but laughing at his idioticness at the same time.

Should I play along, just for fun, or just ignore him now and let him chase me? I just cannot be arsed with this but at the same time I have nothing to lose so don't know. Or I can have some fun with it.
My emotions right now: AngryAngryAngryHmmHmmHmmConfusedGrinHmm

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 14/07/2016 07:24

What does your gut tell you to do?

You need to way up if his need to control and dictate where these clothes will be bought will have a detrimental effect on your well being. I should imagine that as he gets a kick out of knowing what to the penny what items have cost, then he may very well tell you what should be bought (in the sense of X pairs of trousers and jeans and only Y number of dresses/tops......

If you think you were strong enough to have some fun....then tell him you would like a gift card for harrods/John Lewis/Fenwicks/gap or you could even go the other way and ask for primarnie Grin i shop there myself sometime and you can get some naice clothing