FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

There isn't a point. I'm just being facetious because I feel like being childish for once. I know it's silly really.
I feel like I'm the only grown up sometimes and now it's just me stamping my feet for a change. I'm fed up parenting all the time with no relief. I love my children and I love being a parent but I have my limits too. Can someone pander to me for a change please?

Quite frankly I'd have had enough now and get the CSA on him and officially seperate from him ....

I'm waiting for that, Notapizza...

Would the fact that other people think it's odd DS isn't allowed to do x y because his Dad can't afford it bother the Prick enough to force his hand?

I hate that man on your DC behalf.

Oooh I like the way you think, Random! Can you, when you've finished playing at tennis-email , email him saying that you have explained to the boys and their friends that dh can't afford to pay for two days right now?

If he gets a bit exercised about it, ask him if he'd reay rather you told them he wouldn't pay because he's mean?

You know that's what I've always thought, he is a man so concerned with image and what others think in some ways, yet others, it's the exact opposite.
I drive an old banger. He always had an expensive car. Everyone could plainly see the discrepancy there. Once he asked me for a lift somewhere but asked me to wait around the corner, so his associates wouldn't see the car (yes, already had the flashback on that one and been retrospectively mad with myself for going along with it, should have parked up front with the windows down blaring out hip hop ). Yet he's quite happy for me to drive it and have his children ride in it. Quite happy for me to not be able to buy myself new clothes, quite happy for me to wear bras that are falling apart.
So even shaming him into paying it won't work. Also he's far too removed from our world at the moment for it to have an impact. Out of sight, out of mind.

I think I'm having a panic about CM being enforced and how he will react. I'm sitting here (in company) but I can't stop thinking about it and I'm struggling to push those thoughts aside, they keep troubling me. I feel like I'm on the brink of a full panic attack but I'm trying really hard to stifle it. I am so so afraid of his reaction and the aftermath. I am terrified of him. I am ashamed to say that but I am. I could say nothing and do nothing, stop the enforcement and be able to keep my children in the house they belong in and stay put. I know living with him again would be impossible though and we can't go back to how it was before and these are irrational thoughts.
I've been worrying lately so much about my eldest, he was tearful tonight for no clear reason - we had a lovely day - and maybe it's set me off. I still haven't told him anything and I wonder if his father's absence and his confusion about it is starting to affect him.
Wish I could switch my worries off but can't stop.

I wish I had a magic wand for you. I can only imagine the fear and panic you must be feeling atm.

I'm sorry I can only offer you glib words, but whatever your fears are now, far worse would be the rest of your life, and the entirety of your children's lives under the control of that man with at the expense of your own.

This is the right thing for you and them. This is you as a mother fighting for your children. This is you as an individidual fighting to be free.

You can and you will get through this

Thank you for replying Joysmum. Don't know why this is flaring up right now. I've learned to control my panic over it but then I start worrying that I'm not confronting things correctly and am only burying my head in the sand so starts the worrying again...

I think you manage to hold it in to a certain extent to keep it under control
But, when you see your dcs become emotional you relate and react so differently when they're concerned.
Please phone and make an appointment with WA for some advice re counselling for yourself and how to tell your dcs within a supportive atmosphere
Please get some emotional support for yourself

I hope that moment passed Mo.
He knows this is not going to resolve itself without separation & all that entails. or if he doesn't he is really a head fuck.
What could he do in reality ? shout ? insult ? threaten ? He is not likely to be violent, altho if he was it would only reinforce your resolve & get him a police record.
Him being verbally agressive is temporary, it is the only way forward. & you can prepare yourself for it. learn techniques to minimise & deflect.
KOKO. we are still rooting for you

If you are in a barely suppressed state of high terror then I would be astonished if DC weren't picking up the vibes. It shows that they are growing up into being nice people.

They'll start worrying that they are the problem behind your anxiety if they see no other reason.

Maybe tell them you are feeling worried about paying the bills, you will sort the problems out but if they see you looking worried, would they mind giving you a hug because that helps a lot.

I have done that worried - hug thing with my DC when they were small. It worked a treat. It confirmed to them that they weren't the problem, it gave them an action to help solve the problem, it helped me to see when I was being obviously tense, and they could use "you need a hug mummy" when it was them that needed a hug but they didn't want to admit it.

I feel an urge to reach out to xP (not for help, heaven forbid!) but just to communicate a few things, to tell him we need to make a start on planning things for the future. Christmas is just around the corner and if he can't even tell me when he's going to be back, we need to make plans, we can't just improvise, I won't have that.
I feel so antsy and on edge, not as bad as last night but it's stuck and I feel like I can't sit still.
I've felt like it's time to tell DS for ages but just can't get the words out. Maybe I will do it spontaneously when I feel like it really is time. I feel so guilty for keeping this from him, I don't want to risk losing his trust but it's so damn hard when things are going otherwise well for him - doing fine at school, out of school stuff, has close friends, he's happy, has a full life.
Rabbit, that's a good compromise or half way solution. DS doesn't talk much about how he's feeling but I know something is going on underneath.
I think I do need counselling, Mamas, the need just to get it all out and make sense of things is quite overwhelming now.
Thanks for keeping up with me

It may be that the time is right during one of those worry-hugs. Plan an easy sentence to get said, and make a plan of where you want to go with the conversation. If you have it in the back of your mind, with a good first sentence, then the plan could just kick in when you actually start to say it.... does that para make sense not expressing myself well at all. Hope you get the gist.

Just remember, we are here at all times, sometimes able to post, but often here lurking. There are a lot of people virtually holding your hand, Mo. xxx

I don't know if this is right but I get the feeling you have been delaying, because you are afraid, yes, but also when you absolutely go for it, divorce papers solicitors letters, telling him finally what you are going to, without his permission and finally get out from under his control
I think you feel he will come straight back and "argue, fight his case gaslight, turn the dcs against you.
And no one looks forward to that
Please get someone to stay in the house with you at first for physical presence moral support, don't underestimate how that will,help

The delay is out of my control. Every time I've been ready for a fight or feeling strong enough for it, there's nowhere for the fight to go.

Every time I ask xP for an update I'm shut down. When I went to the mediator I was told she couldn't force him to comply and therefore I can't get to the next step.

I do ask myself what anyone else would do in my situation, maybe I'm just not strong or feisty enough to make any progress, maybe I'm not fighting as hard as I could be. Maybe I've been passive for so long that I don't know how I should be fighting.

I'm still realising now that even when I thought I was independent - working and earning - I actually wasn't, I was firmly in his clutches and in his control.

Him forcing me back to work when we were together wouldn't have given me any freedom at all - it would have just given him even more power over me and allowed him to abuse my position even more.

Does anyone think though that if they were in my shoes they'd have managed to force something to happen by now? Obviously it's hard, or even impossible to know but just curious...I want to hear it if so.

Maybe I sound defensive, I don't know!

I think it would be very difficult to change anything because he is abroad tbh.

It's just a shame you haven't found work yet - the sort to do long term as your youngest is still of an age where it will be difficult.

If he avoids everything forever you could still ultimately force the sale of the house if that is what you wanted to do and then relocate to your parents, again if you wanted to. Think the courts would laugh if he tried to stop you moving whilst he is overseas and has been for years...

I'm sorry if I Gave you the impression I thoUGhT You were weak I am. It
I have left an abusive man, it took me three years 18 months of that living in another room in the house and a year of going to mediation etc, it was not pleasant.
So I know how hard this is for you.
Just do what you can legally, chase the divorce chase the legal route of Maintenance Chad a house sale inform the mortgage company
Inform the schools and your family and have someone with you when you tell the dcs

Not at all, Mo.

I don't understand the mediator though. I don't understand why your mediator hasn't just said, after all this time, that he won't cooperate and left you clear to get on with the divorce without the need for mediation. That's not down to you though.

I think your next step has to be the house. Can you investigate forcing a sale? he has basically abandoned you and refuses to discuss what will happen next. YOU would be within your rights to want to move on with your life.

I know you worry about what you could afford if you couldn't stay in the home, but honestly...wouldn't it be better just to be free?

There are a couple of ideas off the top of my head.

-Jump start him into action by giving him radio silence, no contact, no skype for kids, no demands for money... (will need to ask parents for help)
-Go to a refuge,
-You could get a plane ticket & turn up at his flat, give him the papers & say sign this. (you would have to find the money)
-You could contact his employer & find out clearly what the plan is for his return & tell them what is happening
-You can find info on how to force the sale, (contact mortgage company?)

It means forcing yourself out of the inertia.

Mo, I think he's probably trying the attrition approach - he hopes that you'll be so bored and tired and exasperated that you will accept a bad deal just to put an end to it.

Also, he's delusional and it's very easy for him to bury his head in the sand and pay no attention to you (or his children).

From what you say, I think that there are only two things that will force him to move. One is the law, of course, although it can take long, and even more if he is obstructing.

The other one is shame. I would call his company and his boss and his colleagues and tell them absolutely everything about what is going on and what he is doing to his children. The verbal equivalent of sitting in your crap car in front of them with hip hop on. Repeatedly.

You might also want to consider posting on Facebook and similar. You woud have to be careful with your tone - i.e. so that you don't come across as "hysterical" or similar. Just the cold, hard facts. Perhaps even copies of documents. That might get a reaction out of him.

I can't help thinking he has a complete 2nd life where he is, & is simply doing the absolute maximum to reduce the costs to minimum.

Ah thought I had lost this! So sorry mo you still haven't got any further! Have thought several times about you!

Ok let me go through everything!

Random: unfortunately moving to my parents is not an option (without saying too much - definitely not local). However if somehow they managed to move closer to me, I would definitely want to pool our equity and buy a place together. We've discussed this and it would work in theory for everyone - I'd be a help to them as they get older and they'd be a help to me. But that's not happening in the near future, sadly.

Rememberthetime: I'm scared to force the sale of the house because that leaves me high and dry with three kids unable to afford somewhere on my own in my area, apart from the least desirable types of properties - probably sound like a snob saying that, I'm not, I just want to maintain a similar standard for me and my kids - that's not wrong - and seeing has he actually has the means to provide that I don't think it's unrealistic.

I do think though that if he refused to agree to us staying in the house, agreeing to sell once the children are older or circumstances change, the combination of my family and his family would be so appalled by the idea of us moving into dodgy temporary accommodation or being forced to move away from them, that somehow between them, they'd find a way to put a stop to it.
Also, as he is big on image as you know, I can't imagine him allowing that to happen to his own children - oh the shame. So I'm sort of banking on him putting that above anything else - not our safety, security, wellbeing, not on practical/logistical/social/community levels - he would lose incredible face if he left us to rot somewhere while he lived in a swanky bachelor pad.

Mamas: I'm glad you said what you did, as someone who has been through this hell too. It's made me think. I'm pretty sure I am weak though so no worries Maybe you have a point, that although I am belittled/used/abused/disrespected/unloved/uncared for etc. by him, I am safe. I've thought too little of myself to have the means to disentangle myself, it's only now I'm starting to get it.

Memoires: time for me to chase the mediator. She's probably forgotten about me as I've gone away.

Mix:
I'd be scared to stop contact because he will use it against me.
I don't know under what specific circumstances a refuge would accept us - it's not that easy to get in in my area (prob not high risk enough or at all).
Too expensive and would take up too much time to get on a plane to do that...(assume you mean releasing the house for sale?)
Yes: contacting his employer would mightily piss him off but provoke a reaction. Thinking about this.
Yes: I will investigate how to sell the house (against my ideas of what I want but just to know...)

Distance: Facebook etc: I blocked him a long time ago and he's gone quiet anyway (from what mutual "friends" say - he's lying low because he knows he absolutely NOTHING to brag about to say that could impress anyone while we're both living like this.

Mix: I can sort of track what he's doing through various routes, but of course I can never know what he's doing exactly - but it does seem to be quite innocent: work, play sport, drink beer, not send his kids enough money, save shit loads of money. I'm pretty sure that's his game: provide the bare minimum and save the absolute maximum for himself.

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. You are all fabulous for lurking, posting and supporting. Need a break now!