FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

Having set the wheels in motion again for CM enforcement, I have now started worrying about his reaction to it. This is the one thing that will really make him see red above anything else - someone else coming and dictating to him what happens to his money. Therefore to say I am not looking forward to his reaction is an understatement.
I think he will say fine, you want to play that way, you can pay half the mortgage, half the bills, half the loans related to work done on the house etc. He will do that. I know he will. Even if all those things are a risk to him if he defaults on any of it, he'll say fine, you can pay for it out of the CM, I know you have the money for it now. Is this where I step in and say well obviously you didn't want to play ball with me, you have refused to discuss the future with me and now it's time for us to decide what we do with our house and where our children are going to live? Can he force me to pay those things with CM money? The mortgage is in my name too, but not the other things. I'm not saying by the way that I don't want to take responsibility for any of those things (well only the mortgage really, as it's in my name too) but you who have been following this know my position.
I am so terrified he's going to do something totally irrational now and I have no clue how I'm going to handle this. This is it now.

The only thing you are legally obliged to pay is the mortgage and it makes sense to keep that fully paid. You are liable for the entire amount if he refuses to pay.
But think this through...this is a man who is obsessed with money. if he doesn't pay the mortgage his credit rating will be destroyed for years to come. He just isn't going to let that happen. he may bluster and tell you he wants half, but you only have to pay for what is legally yours - ie the mortgage.
But as you are a co-owner of the property, you also have the right to push for a sale due to the marriage breakdown. That's your get out clause.
if he insists that you must pay half the mortgage then you say "well, as I can't afford to do that, I will have to insist the house is sold so i can get my half of the capital - i will contact a solicitor to dot that right away".

I think he will back down sharpish and offer you some kind of deal.

but there will come a time when you will need to stand on your own financially - so you need to be preparing for that day so you know how you will survive.

I'm not going to be much help on the finances . But as PP said, ou will have to at some point take this step. There is no other alternative.
he's not going to come home & be nice is he?
You have bitten the bullet.. It will be OK. There will be a lot of angst & crap behaviour on his part.
But clearly You & he cannot keep living is this stagnant vacuum forever.

I know I know. It's just waiting for the volcano to erupt.
I'm working on getting a p/t job but it's not easy with the hours I have available. Once that is sorted I will feel so much more comfortable with being able to manage it all.

It's all extra evidence, whatever he does volcanically will ad to your pile of unreasonableness which will eventually go to the Court if things go that way.

Yes, there's going to be roller coasters for you, Mo, but just put one foot in front of the other, things will work out.

One step at a time, Mo, one step at a time.

You could talk to your mortgage provider. Explain that you expect him to stop paying the mortgage, knowing you can't afford to pay while also blocking the sale to be vindictive during an unpleasant break up. Ask for their advice on pushing him to pay or sell. They have special teams for this kind of thing.

Does your mortgage allow you to rent the house out? Maybe the mortgage provider would allow you to convert to that kind of mortgage. You rent elsewhere, tenants cover the mortgage.

I'd talk to estate agents asap about getting the house on the market as soon as he starts playing silly buggers. Tell them the situation too.

If worst comes to worst, don't pay the mortgage and risk repossession. He'll blink first.

Has he heard of joint and several responsibility.?
Basically you're both liable for the mortgage - so if it doesn't get paid because he doesn't want to and you haven't got the money what happens next??
Well the house gets repossessed , HIS credit rating is shot and guess what the mortgage co goes after the shortfall from the person with the deepest pockets - HIM. You on the other hand you've got no job and no money unlike him.
So I would tell him to crack on with that one after all if the house gets repossessed it saves you having to force a sale.

As mo got a new thread? Or just not been back

I've been wondering that. Do pm me if anyone knows the answer (with a link?). Thanks.

Hope you're OK, Mo, thinking of you.

Hi, nice of you to check, thanks
Still here, same thread, nothing to report apart from the usual stuff I've regurgitated time and time again: no return date confirmed, crap communication with me and the DC, fights over money and demands for receipts etc. No change!
I would love to be posting to say the shit has hit the fan but we've agreed x instead, believe me.

Have the cms been in touch with him / you ?

No not yet. I need to call them. I've been a bit head in the sand about it probably because I'm terrified of what will happen. Despite the shitness of the situation in general, things are actually ticking along quite nicely for the kids and I'm doing OK. I've been trying to look after my own needs more (hobbies, social life etc.) and action from the CMS (equivalent of) will rock this ship. I'd be happy if he just never came back, if I'm honest.

You'd be happy if he never came AND you had reasonable access to money

I'm still here checking in on you too.
I so want to read you're finally free

Can I please just scream? There is no way to type out the scream that I want to let out right now. AAAAAAEEEUUUURRGH! And quite frankly I'm embarrassed to repeat the same thing again and again to my usual friend outlets. Poor them putting up with me. But I need an outlet.
I typed a reply to yet another of his idiotic attempts at trying to be my boss, but didn't send it (tempting as it was).
He is thick. He is stupid. He is incredibly dense. He has the emotional intelligence of a jellyfish. Yet he earns at least four times what I could ever dream of earning on my own.
DS had a minor accident, which I fully informed Prick about. When they skyped, DS, being a child, told him he'd be out of action for three months. He believed him. Really?
I want to send the eldest on an activity over half term: No they can't do two days (as I informed him), they can only do one. If you want to send them for two, you'll have to take the rest out of your pittance monthly budget. However, he concludes, DS might not be able to attend because of his injury.
Fucking EEEEEJIT! Yes, by all means, believe a small child, go ahead! And their limited understanding of a minor injury. Not to mention that he earns what it costs to send the DC for the extra day in just half an hour.
This doesn't even need a discussion. I just can't keep it in because I will explode.

Carry on, Mo. Venting helps hugely

When I was a child, when horrid things happened, I told myself the story of it but made it funny. It was tremendously helpful; I seem to have lost the knack somewhere in the last 15 years, but I promise you it's worth doing. And inserting as many swear words and insulting descriptions as you feel are called for

I don't suppose there's any rope in telling him that he earns as much as is needed in half an hour? Just to make a point. Probably not

Eejit and Idiot are a good start. May I raise you Parsimonious Prick?

I just want to tell him he's sad. Lots of their friends will be at this thing - why deliberately stop them from doing it just to make a point to me? To make me feel guilty that I can't afford it? What's he doing?

Parsimonious prick.
Pompous prat.

Because he can. That's the answer to most of your questions. You and the children are not actually real people to him. I think you are abstract objects, and either you make life easier for him or you don't. If you don't, then he needs to ensure you do.... That, I think applies to you and the children jointly and severally; it's horrible and I'm so sorry that he is indeed a Pompous Prat and Abusive Arsehole and Worthless Wankbadger.

He is controlling, always has been and always will be. That isn't going to magically change because you're separated.

All you can do is control what you can and expect his behaviour to continue as it always has.

Ok. I know I shouldn't bite the bait. I'm not asking any more, I'll pay for it myself.

Hi Mo,
I wondered if you had seen or heard much from his parents? What's their take on everything?

Good question Grumpyoldblonde

I don't see them much. Mil says she wants to see me but I tend to think what's the point: he probably skews the truth, she is also weak when it comes to standing up to her son and Fil is well...silent and hasn't even mentioned the situation to me.

He's a broken record so I'm being a broken record too.
Him: I won't pay x, I'll only pay y.
Me: please pay for y so I can book them in.
Him: as I've said, I think it's excessive so I'm only prepared to pay x.
Me: I don't think it's excessive, most of their friends are going, please pay it in so I can book them in.
Etc. etc. This is so much fun.

I know it's hard and unfair but you have to accept you are not going to get anything from him, you will feel much better once you stop engaging with him.

Really whats the point?