FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

It's a game of patience, love. I'm so sorry because it's got to be awful and soul-destroying.

But you've got to fight. And I wouldn't bet on his caring for his children to save face - is he taking care of them now?

yes i'm sorry but i agree with distance call - he won't care about saving face he just cares about himself!

Maybe you have answered it but gave you thought about going back to work? I don't know how it would leave you legally but would it not give you some power? At least some control over your life. I imagine from what you say he will pay minimum maintenance so you will need to get a job in the future. I am working on an unhappy marraige but even having my own job makes me feel more of an equal and so much better.

It is amazing the difference having a job makes. I had been unemployed for nearly 20 years due to disability and complete loss of confidence (having occupied quite senior positions before). I had been chafing against it for a long time but was too scared of upsetting the apple cart; until I volunteered to help some friends who were seriously overworked at their very small company (couldn't afford more staff to help them, but they were horribly overworked). So in I went and even though I was bringing in no money, and was filling an incredibly low position, it had such an effect on my morale! It went through the roof!

Now, I do officially work for them, and earn a little money too. Mo, really it makes so much difference. I knowyour children are smaller, but would you consider volunteering somewhere?

Absolutely, I totally agree about the job! I'm trying to get one but with my free hours it's hard and whatever comes along will be min wage to start. Anyway I agree with the difference it will make. Just waiting for something to fit in with everything else, so in the meantime I am doing little bits and pieces on the side to save some extra cash, but it's not much.

I'm not so sure about him not caring about saving face. He doesn't care now because he's not here, but he will find it incredibly hard to reintegrate himself into his old world and community without doing that once he's here. At the moment I am the face of our family here and everyone who knows my kids only knows me. Once he has to be part of that again and mix with our peers he will have to put a front on again.

Yes the confidence a job brings you is excellent. I was made redundant then stayed at home and now back working 4 days. It is a lower paid job etc but I am back working, have my own money though the abuse still comes I am better able to deal with it and know that I will absolutely survive if/when the marriage finally collapses.

Sorry October you are dealing with this too. But sounds like you are working through it and giving yourself a plan B. Having a job will transform the way I think about the future too.

Just catching up Mo, no I don't think there's much different any of us could have done. You are stuck for now until he's back to move on house/child access /maintence issues.

Thought kids did know though? Are you still in your new spare room? is it just close friends that now? maybe it be a good time to tell oldest that things are not going to get back to normal as in dad may come back to live here when he actually turns up back in the country but it will be different. But you don't know where you will be staying or if you will all get new place etc.

Think there is big enough gap between now and Christmas to "get it out there" least if he does show up to play happy families you are not on edge of big row or him threating to tell kids you decided to break up the family or done rubbish. It be one less hold over you and kids emotions. Although it's huge thing for your family it is a very common thing and may give kids permission to ask questions or understand why things are different?

Just a suggestion, easy for me to say! But least it's one more horrible step on way to freedom.

Has he said he will be back at Xmas ?
The problem is, when is he coming back/if he comes back? he is enjoying the freedom, he is enjoying his job, he is loving the money. Won't he just prolongue ad infinitum ?
he can/will deflect if he comes back for a few days at Xmas.
I agree with Akire, it would be a reasonable to tell them, & when the Dc see him finally, they can ask the questions & have expectations appropriate for the situation.
Also, Mo, there is a chance that he deliberately will not be available to have the conversation. You absolutely MUSTN'T let him leave.
You say you are terrified of him, but don't put it off. There must be a time when the DC are not around & he is in a place where he can't leave for Golf, Family, evenings out....
You could offer to collect him at the airport, & pull into a lay by. & tell him face to face, that you will not be living like this anymore. There are papers to be signed, & this does not have to be a war, he is clearly happier without you, in reality nothing will change for him.

Hi Mo,
Do you have a good idea of what your house is worth and what you would walk away with if it were sold?
If it is a hefty sum, then I would be inclined to bank most of your capital, rent a house paying maybe a year up front, find that NMW job for a while to coast and up your hours when the littlest is in FTE. I had a good group of mums at the school gate where we would swap days to pick the children up and give them tea and it made a great back-up team.
You can't go on like this for years can you? There is a way out, but it will take a lot of courage to jump.

I'm cracking up right now. (not disregarding your latest messages, will come back to that).
He's told me he'll be here over xmas whatever happens, whether he's back permanently or has to fly back again after.
He wrote the message in an extremely blasé way, even dropping in he appreciates I may have already made plans (how kind) but that he'd love to spend it with the kids. To me, after a few hours or sitting on it, it sounds like he's just trying to put the pressure on me again - if it were REALLY important to him to be with his kids wouldn't he want to try to work something out amicably so that he ensures he gets to see them and that they have a good xmas?
So I'm trying to work out what to do for the best. If he thinks he can walk back in and we're going to have xmas as a happy family he can think again. I am not going to have a repeat performance of what happened in April, of him turning up, kids worshipping him, him buggering off to see his friends and play sport and not spend any real time alone with his kids without me.
I'm beyond confused and angry and stressed right now.
I could just take my kids away to relatives for a week (which is what I'd half planned anyway) but I worry about when they actually do see each other and when that will be.

Mo, have you thought about volunteering? Seriously, you can make your own hours. It gets you out of the house and mixing iwith adults. It also facilitates meeting people any of whom may know of a job that's just right for you - it's opportunity you're missing atm, and just doing something on a regular basis out of the home really can give you that, as well as all the morale raising that comes with doing a job even when it's only as a volunteer. Cast about all your local companies, see what industries they're in and if you're interested in any of them. Even as a 'post boy' you would meet people and everyone would see straight away that you're not typical and your foot's in the door.......

If it were me, I would operate as if you were divorced. So the kids spend half with you and half with him.

So I would go to relatives with them, and he can pick them up on X day and spend "his" visitation with them back in the house.

Of course you may have to actually tell the kids you are separated for this to make sense to them. But it's the only thing that makes sense in the context of your estrangement.

'Thanks for your message cuntface. I have indeed already made plans for Christmas, we will be away from this date to this date. Once we are back I suggest that you could have the children on this date and this date for whatever times suit you - I suggest you could pick them up at 10am and I will collect them (could add: from your mum's) at 6pm. They will be back at school from this date.'

Keep it factual and emotion-free. Don't reply today, give yourself a chance to digest it all.

I always preferred for my ex to do morning pick-up and I would collect later - meant I knew for definite when they were coming back. You could also add in something about confirming something about the house or about how long he will be here for - ie you know then he will have read it if he responds to only the part of the message relating to Christmas.

Thanks Memoires, it is a good idea. And I love your comment that I'm not typical
Elspeth and Ponygirl, sound advice, thank you. When will I ever learn that I need to wait to digest info first before diving in there (no I've not replied!!) - I've been a headcase the whole morning but starting to see sense a bit more now. I'm not going to rush.

Hi Mo I'm trying think postive and think if he's "asking" about spending time with the kids that he's not automatically assuming he's coming back home ?? here's hoping or is it just you may be away??

Could be blessing and say right we are going away to family, you can see kids weekend after and then mention living arrangements?

Yes it's possible Akire, but it's not like him to be considerate of our needs so not giving him the benefit of the doubt just yet!
Anyway it's a good starting place for discussions that he can't wriggle out of.

I do think contacting his employer is the next move actually. Cos I don't believe this guy is in any rush to come home and he has no incentive to tell you shit.

So I would just go behind his back now. Fuck it. What's the worst he can do? Tut tut? Give you a stern ticking off?

Knowledge is power. And right now he has all the knowledge. So take some back from right under his nose.

Mo it is unclear to me what outcome you are looking for.

Surely there is zero chance he will pay the mortgage and the child maintenance while you live in the house with the children? He is already refusing to pay the CM. It is going to be virtually impossible to force him, especially with you being unmarried and him having an overseas bolt hole.

You can't afford to keep up even half of the mortgage and bills payments yourself or buy him out can you?

As long as you are in that house relying on his goodwill you are screwed.

I know you don't want to sell up and move. Maybe I'm being dim but what other option is there that genuinely exists?

Your reasons for not moving are a bit lame (sorry). Your DC need you happy. That's way more important than living in a naice house for every single day of their childhood.

Have you had a serious look at what you could rent for a year while you find your feet, get a decent job and eventually become eligible for a mortgage yourself?

Selling is a thing you can force and it only needs him to be a tiny bit reasonable and only for a short time. When you've got that lump sum in the bank, he loses most of his power over you. You'll even be able to afford a lawyer and full page newspaper ads to get the damn CM out of him.

RunRabbit. I don't think my reasons are lame at all. I want to keep my kids in their home, not unsettle them again having just resettled them back into their lives here. I want to keep them near family, friends, and not have to move schools again. They are very happy here and so am I. I've been through a total uprooting with my children before and I can't do it again, I just can't. Letting that happen again is like letting him dictate my life, again. I have to fight for it. I fought for my family to come back to this life and I'm not letting go now.

I could afford to pay half the mortgage and bills with CM and a part time job, no problem. And he would still be able to afford a second place for him to live in without any financial difficulties. Obviously he won't find that option very desirable, but if the alternative is for us to sell up and take the kids to live miles away so I could afford to buy a place on my own, I don't see how he could think that would be a great idea either. I genuinely think it's the most viable option.

If I'm nuts and deluded too, we will see. But that's what I want to fight for right now.

Ok. So there are two options, one preferred by you, and an alternative one. But how would you know if it was time to implement the alternative option? And, if you did, what would be the first step?

The alternative is not really an alternative. It's a last resort. Perhaps if I had family I could move in with temporarily while I sort things out, even if they were far away, then maybe I would just do it anyway, to get away from him, to show him I don't need him and to make a clean break. But I don't have that option at all. So for me there really is only one option, fight to stay here because the alternative is not desirable for any of us.
But if he fights me back, and we're forced into temporary accommodation then that is what will happen. And he will show himself to be what he really is, the lowest of the low, to everyone that he cares is even watching.

Ever since I got together with him, I've had nothing but pressure from him that I'm not doing enough, I'm not earning enough, I'm not working enough, I'm not everything enough. But with hindsight I was doing everything yet I still had guilt that it wasn't enough. I had a good enough job, but his was always better than mine. He put us under pressure to take on high mortgage repayments for the sake of a shorter term, which now I see put me under much more strain than him because he earned much more than me.
I've spent 15 years looking in charity shops, buying marked down labelled food and second hand furniture for my kids etc. not because those things are terrible to have or do but because he forced me.
And yet I still have constant guilt that I don't do enough and even worse I don't earn my own money when all I do is give give give to everyone but me!
Sorry bit emotional.

Sorry Mo, I imagine it isn't what you want to hear.
I fear you are heading for a fall. I know it isn't fair, decent or equal between you. But this is the person he is.
Have you looked at cheaper properties in your area? they must exist.
I can only imagine what I would feel under your circumstances, & it would be sell & cut the miserable bastard out of you life, removing the maximum amount of power.
Once this is done, you can LIVE again.it's not all about your children, it is your life too, & you should be able to be happy in it, there are no second chances

I have to agree with Mix and run as I said upthread, you can get this sorted but I do understand it will take a huge leap of courage. He isn't ever going to be reasonable or make things easy and I honestly think this will drag on for years. You could sell up, have a sizable chunk of money to rent a place for a year or two. The children grow fast meaning you will be able to take a job even if its entry level to start with. With tax credits and his CM you could be quite comfortable, probably with a good wedge in the bank for a mortgage deposit a couple of years down the line. You are used to bargains and living frugally, you can continue this on your own terms now not dancing to his tune. Gilded cage springs to mind, but it sounds like you do have the means to set yourself free.