We're Stayin' Alive, it's DATING THREAD 105

[tanyadm]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

I texted him earlier today.

Oh well fuck it.

Im passed caring.

yeh, the danger would be if that carried on to living together ''i pay the mortgage and the bills'' and you pay the groceries and the travel expenses and so on. It seems like a good deal, well it doesn't, but it's LESS than the mortgage on the big house he chose and has his name only on the deeds, and so what started out as generosity is actually a way of keeping you at a distance, giving him the 'right' as he sees it to exclude you from the team or the pot. He throws you change from the pot but half the pot is not yours and don't you ever forget it.

CAN YOU TELL I'VE BEEN THERE!?!?

sorry. i'll stop projecting. Some men are truly generous without an agenda i know.

A bit of generosity is lovely. but it can tip over in to ''i've bought you, i own you''.

Pigeon yes. I completely get it. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I have done freedom programme and read extensively on forms of abuse, including financial abuse. That's why my alarm bells are ringing. Yes he might just be a generous person but I would never allow myself to become reliant on him. He seems genuine and things feel so right, but I am wary.

The saying "if it seems to good to be true, it usually is" springs to mind.

I'm a cynic at heart

But I am having a fucking ball right now. Like, walking on air. Trying to keep my feet on the ground.

Oh try not to stress spotty my ex was the same.
He showered me in gifts, meals, treats. Weekends away for first year. And remained generous throughout.
And he was in no way abusive. A series of shitty things pulled us apart. Not abuse.

So some men are just like this.

NowWhat1983 sorry but that made me laugh. Good luck.

To help keep my feet on the ground with Audidriver, I've changed his name in my phone to 'he's just not that into you' pulls me up when I'm tempted to text him.

Spotty Enjoy it! Sounds amazing.

Have I missed something in this ever fast moving thread single? I thought all was well with audidriver!!

Spotty, I don't think the paying for dates is too odd, some people are just old fashioned. Mr tall often insists on paying. I just do as you do and try and pay for things like taxis and always make sure I offer to pay so he doesn't feel like he has to. Occasionally, more recently he takes me up on it or lets me pay for some, but for the majority of dates he insists.You sound like you've got your head screwed on anyway and you're aware

Starskey80, I believe you! I'm sorry I sounded like such a profit of gloom.

Ah you're OK Pigeon, there is also the abusive arses too.
Let's all just hope this fella isn't one. Positive thinking and all that

CarrotMuncher It is but I'm getting the impression that I'm chasing him. He's happy to text all day if I initiate but if I don't then I don't hear from him. He always says he's dying to see me but when I invite him over, he tends to say he'll 'consider it' so remaining non-committal. He seems to be happy seeing me once a week which is fine but I'm getting the distinct impression that I like him more than he likes me. When we first met, he said that as he was living back at his mum's house and was single he was at a loose end in the evenings and we should spend time together. Now however, he always seems to be doing things, even if it's just a 'movie night' on his own. I'm just being cautious that's all. He only lives 15 minutes away from me so it's not as if it's a huge effort. I just think it's odd that he'd prefer to text me for three hours from 7 until 10 (pictures of his cat, the movie he's watching, what he's eating etc.) rather than jumping in his car and coming over. I'm used to having them eating out of the palm of my hand by this stage and chasing me so it's weird. I still fancy the arse off him though and he's a fantastic shag

I wasnt bothered about this guy and Im not that much now either. But I am wondering about the texting.

I saw him.on Friday, didnt go home. He mentioned bringing me along to his event on saturday night but that didnt fly. Not enough time to get organised: it was black tie.

Then he contacted me the second he got home from his event and came to collect me on Sunday and dropped me off home again telling me I was worth the distance.

He had a nightmare week coming up ans he is in bed by 9pm. But i did get antsy about no texts.

I dont want my mind to play tricks on me and make me think I want someone that I dont really.

He did tell me who he was loud and and clear.
No relationship lasting more than 6 months. Mainly because always working and doing on calls and locums at weekends to affors his mortgage.

To be told that means he is known for not staying the distance and not available.

Single that does sound a bit strange to be texting you all night instead of coming over, be less weird if you didn't hear from him when he wasn't with you! Are you definitely sure he's single? Have you been to his place?

spotty I think it's good to be cautious but doesn't seem like a red flag just yet, sounds lovely in fact!

314 3rd date guy sounds nice....how is that going?

So I've cancelled Mr Friday, level of communication was ridiculous, every 2 hours I'd get a text asking me how I was and if I didn't reply promptly I'd get another saying he'd not heard back so was just checking everything was OK, they were also texts of no substance, 'I'm getting on the train now, I'm going to get my hair cut now, are you having a nice day' So I cancelled and explained I didn't think I have enough time to devote to the kind of relationship I think he is after.
Mr Saturday and Mr Sunday still firmly in the running though!

Ok, so it's taken me all morning to get to p.15 to try to catch up and I can wait no longer - let me in oh wise dating ones!

Short version of the story so far: broke up with father of 6 year old just over a year ago, though the relationship had been dead in the water long before that. Did a bit of OLD about 6 months ago, found it terribly dispiriting that I couldn't even get to conversation stage with anyone and gave up. Re-joined Tinder a week ago and started getting lots of matches, then a few short conversations. And now a much longer conversation with someone I'm going to meet next week (already have plans with friends this weekend and, well, sisters before misters).

So, mr- what shall I call him? Erm, Blonde-Intellectual, is ticking lots of smart and charming boxes. I've googled and he is who he's claiming to be (and having read about the nasty creep up thread I've initiated a whole load of online precautions - thank you all) - all good. But I've not dated in something like 18 years! Last time I was single I was a teenager. I've realised that I've forgotten how to flirt. Our conversations have so far been more cerebral than sexual, but I feel as though I should be flirty? I feel like a teenager again, utterly clueless.

NowWhat1983 Well, bonus points to him for telling you who he is and what he's got to offer up-front. I'd say just enjoy it for what it is, however long it lasts.

Prizey No, I haven't been to his place but after the second time we got together he asked me to pick him up from his house (his brother had borrowed his car) but I couldn't that day as I'd made plans (but didn't get his address) so no, I've not been there. He just told me that he'd split up with his girlfriend 6 months ago and so had moved back into the family home to get some money together to find a new place (ex-girlfriend and his son have his old home). He could be lying I suppose. I've checked him out on social media and there's no sign of wife/girlfriend or son. He probably just doesn't want to get involved so soon after splitting up with his ex I'd imagine.

Wow, Mr Friday sounds very invested already. Talk about keen. That level of mundane contact would drive me round the bend (amuse me or flirt with me or don't bother) ... at this stage anyway. Fingers crossed for Mr Saturday and Mr Sunday.

DrSingle Mr Blonde intellectual sounds fantastic (I love blond men!) Yes, it takes a while to get back into flirting mode. It'll happen once you meet if there's chemistry. Keep us posted.

Yeah you're right.

He has never stayed the distance very long and I wasn't looking at that when I went home with him.

I hope my mind doesnt start playing tricks on me.

He seems very dedicated in his job and needs to work loads of weekends to afford his mortgage. Fair enough.

So when I was with this guy I wasn't overly bothered.

Nice guy. Good company. He was keen. He made an effort to see me again in Sunday when we only just parted company the day before.

He drove me all the way home and he said he enjoyed it. It was nice with music on, driving and talking to me. Told me to keep in touch.

Now the contact is thin on the ground...my mind is playing tricks. I wasnt that bothered but now Im pissed the communication is thin.

Talk. Me. Down.

Now what, its odd. Saying that, I've had men tell me I'm 'the one', blah blah and then do the backtracking after a couple of weeks, this has happened so many times, nothing surprises me anymore, I fully expect each and every one to do it, and that its just a matter of time, or maybe I'm just cynical. Don't sweat it, don't go running and pre-occupy yourself with some more irons on that fire.

Single Sounds like its all kosher to be honest, and he's not got another partner. Why the strange behaviour though, I don't know?

DrSingle sometimes its flirty sometimes its not, I not generally until I've met them a few times, so no pressure to be flirty, just be yourself. The flirtiness will happen without you having to force it.

Yes far too much too soon from Mr Friday, heaven knows what he'd of been like as a boyfriend.

Thanks Single and Prizey - blondes aren't usually my thing, but the brain. Oh. my. god. the brain! Even if 'it' isn't there I think we'll have an interesting evening - it's win-win really. And I will take your advice and just let flirting happen - if it does...

I'm utterly addicted to this thread already - is that in breach of rule 10?!

PrizeyPrize I think it may be to do with the age gap - his 33 to my 40-ahem-something. I must seem ancient to him although he keeps calling me a stunning looking woman & I can tell he fancies me. I think its also his personality as by his own admission, he's a little odd; very humble, quiet and unasuming. Sweet and kind - the sort to get taken advantage of and not very confident. Ive just never had somebody turn me down in favour of a night in front of the telly before

The Pigeon 314 really resonated with your post yesterday about feeling stifled, attracting avoidant types etc and reminded me of a book I'd read that helped explain some of this in a way that made sense to me 'Facing Love Addiction - Giving Yourself The Power to Change The Way You Love' by Pia Mellody. I'm not a great self-help reader but found this one helpful. Anyway, throwing it in there - good luck with dates everyone, can identify with lots of your experiences!!

I must have a look at that book VaVaBroom. I know I'd have panicked and reversed and run if it hadn't been for reading the book ''Attached'' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It has really opened my eyes to why I've been single all these years. I have a fourth date with MSG on saturday and I@m really looking forward to it. He's funny, happy, lively. He talks about a million miles an hour. He's told me everything and I've held back a bit. Unlike me. If I get through that stage where I find myself thinking ''his teeth are strange, should I end it because his teeth are odd?'' then I suppose I'll get attached to him and then anxiety will kick in soon!. So I can be slightly avoidant and then slightly anxious, with the same man in the space of about ...... 3-4 weeks.

Hi all, not posted for ages, still going with a lovely man I met OLD - lovely to read lots of positives on here lately. But, am jumping in with a selfish post, am hoping some of you wise types can recommend some reading around what I now know to be classic behaviour from me which is this.... 'like someone, pick a few faults, grow to like them some more, pick even more faults, to the point of ignoring anything good and positive, home in completely on negatives, no matter how small, convince myself the grass must be greener elsewhere, then totally sabotage it and end it, be on my own for a while, get lonely, then repeat the whole cycle again!!' I know it's because I'm scared of being hurt but actually it's more than that, I think I don't actually know how to be happy! That may sound ridiculous but it's true. Any shared experiences, help or advice gratefully received. If any of the old posters are lurking, hope your absence means all is going really well

And forgot to say spotty just enjoy it 😊

Tulip, I'm an oldie! I remember you from about five threads back. I took a ten week break, then came back, dated two men two successive nights about a fortnight ago and the second one I really liked. The night I met the guy I'm dating, I was attracted to him. But now that I KNOW him a bit better and LIKE what I know, I find myself thinking, well, actually he's a bit overweight (and he's not fat, he's just more solid a man than I've dated before, yes he could lose ten pounds).

I read this The grass is greenest where it's watered

Also, even though we live quite near to each other I'm finding it impossible to imagine how it could work. I want to make sure that he is certain enough about me before it progresses. I don't think he's as fickle as H. so, if we tried and it didn't work it'd be a slower car crash.

Hey Pie of course i remember you, I'm glad you're back out there. Good to take a break but good to get back out there once you're ready. It's sad though how we can't completely enjoy the experience and look for potential faults. It started with appearance with me and progressed from there

Good luck for your date Saturday. Focus on the many good things! Was that a link you posted (if so didn't work) or just the name of something to google? Thanks