Epic story of being a crap husband. *very long*

[gshavik]

Not sure what/where or particularly how to start but basically this...

Wife just buggered off with the children to her parents on Saturday. Piled them into the car and left with no goodbye, just 'you need to grow the fuck up'. Hasn't returned yet, no indications when that might happen presently.

Good start?

To expand, we're at a bit of impasse. I'm actually not even sure why but for once my conscience is totally clear and I'm pretty certain that I'm not being unreasonable. Consider this.

I have my own small business, which is in a difficult place just now as it doesn't yet run on its own without me (...work in progress), and our industry is in particularly challenging times. I used to work all the hours God sends (6am - 8pm was typical - sometimes longer - before our first child). That said it more than pays our bills and I've scaled back the work mainly to 9-6 these days in order to be at home more (her demands but I wanted to improve work/life balance too). Throw in the commute and that's about 8:30 - 6:30. Weekends are now virtually all ours.

She decided just before DC1 that she wanted to be a SAHM, which was fine with me but it meant all income now rests on my shoulders. OK - not a major problem but places a bit more stress on my abilities to provide for everything, replacing her salary. I don't mind that and I'm fortunate that I'm in a position where that was possible (at a push, but possible nonetheless).

A few years later and DC3 has been on the scene for some 10 months now and it's obviously a bit busy looking after the three children each day almost every day. I'm under no illusion as to how much of a handful they are (DC1 is about 3.5 YO just now) - but I help out with them as much as I can in the mornings, evenings and at the weekends. On one weekend day, she gets a lie-in, and the other day I get one. In theory. In practice my lie-in consists of having either DC2 or DC3 dumped on me in bed around 6:30 for maybe an hour or so (which I don't resent but it's supposed to be a lie-in...). Thereafter she makes a LOT of noise screaming and yelling at them for this or that, not to mention basically stomping around the house - hardly light underfoot - in a rather chaotic manner. Basically I don't really get the lie-in or sleep and I'm generally up and dressed by about 8:30-9ish because there is no chance of getting sleep. By comparison when she has her lie-in I try as far as possible to have them all contained in the sitting room with their breakfasts and nappy changes all done with fairly minimal fuss, keeping them all playing about and capering happily with basically no need for all the shouting that goes on when she is with them. Basically, it's doable with little to no chaos barring the odd unexpected mishap. These has been the pattern for months now. I'm not saying that I'm better at it - I really don't think that - but as I'll explain more later I'm growing more and more concerned that it's intentional, with a view to teaching me something.

So, our house, as you might imagine with three young children is prone to breakages. Wear and tear on most things would be high anyway I should imagine, and the replacement rate of stuff broken or worn out is ridiculous. Some of it is fair enough, I repaired our washing machine three times as after a few years of being overloaded or having stuff trapped in the door before starting the cycle took its toll. NBD - I'm pretty handy and replaced that. It had taken a few weeks of sizing up the possible options/performance/price and I got one at a bank-holiday sale to keep costs down. Hotpoint 8kg load, 1600rpm spin, 14 minute quick cycle. Great.
Same with the tumble drier - two days when it failed for the last time meant a ridiculous back log of washing that took about two weeks to clear up when the weather was bad over the winter there. Again, NBD, I found another one with 8kg load and had that installed one morning before heading into work. BTW; our electric bill over the winter quarter came to ~£1600. Yeah, that's right. Paid that.

I'm told we need a dishwasher now. OK, but we have a pretty small kitchen and fitting that isn't quite as straightforward as just replacing one. One 600mm cupboard has to be given up (there is already a lack of space) and the carcass hacked up a bit to accommodate. Plumbing, again NBD, but the real issue is the electrics - there is no socket in the back there. In fact, as it transpires (my friend is an electrician, and I know my way around electrics too), the electrics in the kitchen were previously bodged by another owner and the circuit run to the kitchen appears to be using the incorrectly sized cables - we'd discovered this sometime before the dishwasher raised its head. OK, now we have a problem and a potential fire risk if more consumers are added to the circuit, basically the old wiring needs to be replaced with a proper ring circuit, not sure to how many sockets off the top of my head but let’s say it'll take two people about a day to replace and re-wire. Suddenly fitting a dishwasher becomes a whole lot more involved. Enough detail?
So, I explained that this isn't going to be quick job and will need a good deal more than she imagined in order to realise the vision of zero-hassle dishwashing (ha). Not to be disheartened she got her father to give a second opinion whilst I was at work (I should say he means well but is a bit of a bodger with no particular electrical knowledge) - he glanced at the plumbing and the cupboard and stated he didn't see a particular problem. I got accused of being a liar - that was months ago. I am still, apparently, a liar.

A week ago, on a whim she decided that we now need a bigger whirly washing line. I feigned ignorance to the problem (seeing where the conversation was headed and already thinking what now...?), but apparently she wants to be able to get 3 full loads of washing done in ~45 minutes but the line isn't big enough to take that. Putting the physical problems of digging out the big concrete lump buried in the garden aside for a moment, how on earth can we generate 24kgs of washing that suddenly needs doing? Ok - nice weather, maybe get some bedding done, but SRSLY? I wouldn't argue that our existing whirly is a bit crap - 3 arms, not very big. However I've managed two good size loads onto it by thinking about the order stuff gets hung. I think the key concept being missed is staggering or planning or just generally 'keeping on top of it' - maybe easier said than done but still...

A couple months back, her car (a small MPV) got written off in a no-fault accident. Insurance pay out was ok but far from what was needed for a newer car. She wanted a 7-seater. It had to be a seven-seater. OK, so a Zafira it was then. A 13-plate Zafira, about 10k on the clock, superb condition. Good boot space for the buggies and shopping etc. Very practical. I spent weeks weighing up the pros and cons of these fire-prone cars, eventually finding one that was within a sensible price-range that already had the recall work done. It's never held 7 people in it. I doubt it ever will, but it absolutely had to be a 7-seater - her friend has one. Meanwhile, I bought it outright, had to take another hit to the wallet - to be fair I'd rather do that than get it on-tick. I don't grudge getting the car. I do grudge that she wouldn't drive me to the train station to go to collect it, and I grudge that she instead called her parents through from about 80 miles away for the sole purpose of driving me 12 miles to the train station. Frankly, I was a bit embarrassed about that. Clearly it was totally unreasonable of me to expect her to help me help her. I didn't get any thanks for the car until I mentioned the lack-thereof about a week later.

So what's the problem? Apparently none of that.

This sounds like my relationship with my children's father, same roles. I was the ungrateful woman.

I can only try to give you some insight as that's what I think you want.

I can look back now and see that really what happened was bigger than I realised.

I felt very trapped. I was in my 20's and had 2 under 2. We had money, but was always worrying about the next thing to pay out for. And it was his money, not mine. And he got to go out all day with other people and I got nappies and cleaning. And then I got depressed. Then the more depressed I felt, the more I stopped caring about Coke cans on the floor or moss because in the grand scheme of things, it didn't seem important to me. We only spoke when it was about the kids or something else I had done wrong. So then I retaliated by picking faults with him. I would anticipate him picking a fault with me so would feel instantly resentful when he got home even when he hadn't yet said Anything.
I also got very upset after one particularly annoying weekend with him doing DIY to his super high standards and pretty much spent it all on my own, trying to keep the kids out of the room, entertained, whilst really feeling my whole weekend was wasted and just feeling sad about it. So I escaped to the Internet to find people to talk to, about all kinds of things we never spoke about.

I'm not saying you are wrong. But maybe you have very high expectations and she has reached a point where she just can't stand it anymore. And when talking about stuff, the same 'petty' things come up so you go round and round.

The only way you can make it work is for you to also admit your faults and start communicating with her with a totally fresh start.
It's not that these things don't matter to you, it's just they should not matter more than the real important stuff.

Both of you have become dull and bogged down in mundane problems so neither of you will back down and say hey, what does this really matter?
She may be finding it hard to nurture and love the house when she's stuck in it all day every day being told how to treat it. And you come home annoyed that she isn't doing as you've asked.

There's probably some things that won't kill either of you to let go and forget about

Good luck

Sue51 - It was a pre-emptive replacement of the washing that was literally on it's last legs, she didn't have to wait at all. It was my idea to replace it because foolishly I thought that a general improvement to yield efficiency gains would be a 8kg/14minute quick wash versus the outgoing 5kg 1hr quick wash model. The old one had mould all over the back of the stainless drum :/

Zaurack - Not like that at all. I try, as far as I can to take the burden of the children from the point that I get home. I try to ensure she gets her long-lie at the weekend. I'm often up later at night and do at least the earlyish part of the 'night-shift' which sees DC2 & DC3 usually restless up to about 2am. Thereafter they normally both sleep through until around 5:30am then it's anyones guess who deals with them at that point - could be either of us, no set routine. Wife gets probably much more sleep than me these days since DC3 settled more through the night in the first few months.

BertPuttocks - As above for Sue51, but 3 young children don't generate 24kgs of washing in a day.

Samoyedy - Yeah, this obviously comes off as several very big moans lumped into two big rants (of sorts). Point is if something clearly causes damage to the house or whatever, why exacerbate by doing precisely nothing differently going forwards. And that is kind-of parallel with the realisation that I'm not perfect and something has to change to make things better - all feedback is good, even negative feedback really. But, I really don't moan about everything. I bite my tongue far more than not when something is up. But; if you knew pouring water on the driveway was making the problems bigger rather than smaller, would you just keep doing that anyway. Is that not a problem in itself?

ThomasRichard - Ironically I offered to put up a new washing line a few years back and was shot down on that front. Believe me I'd rather not be doing any DIY at all - it's a combination of necessity or generally her demands for something to be done. Playing with the kids would be just fine instead. As for the economics of being a SAHM, believe me I know.

BertieBotts - Yes, that was the decider, not many cars even MPVs can do that. Took a lot of fact finding beforehand though.

If she is staying home to raise your children, why are you bitching about footing the bill for everything? No mate. That's family money. But yeah, you sound like you hate her and take great pleasure in pointing out her faults and failings. She's right. Grow the fuck up.

Forum, sorry. Even your title is something SHE might say, as if you are hoping it will catch her eye.

I can see you now, shakily perched on the edge of the armchair, mad eyed and finger hovering, desperately refreshing the thread to check if DW has responded.

God almighty.

You typed all that out? How long did it take? You could have pressure-washed the moss off your driveway instead. No - don't tell me - pressure washing would probably damage it.

Nice. Posting on a forum you know she uses so she doesn't have a safe space AND has the opportunity to 're read all your endless, tedious nagging. I hope she doesn't bother.

I can't help but read your story as a SAHM of 2.

What I read is you saying that your life is hard, that you are trying your best for your wife. You are upset your best is not good enough.

Your best includes providing for your wife as best as you think. When she asks for something, you try hardest to provide it. When you provide it, she doesn't always look after it as you expect. You don't always respect what it is she asks you to provide.

Just. Stop.

YOU HAVE 3 KIDS AND SHE IS DROWNING.

She doesn't want any more practical help. She doesn't want to spend her life going over and over and over the complexity of fitting a dishwasher. She wants to make her life easier. In some ways when you are trying to help her you sound like you will just be making it harder. She wants a car, she wants a 7 seater car, you spend bloody ages if your post is anything to go by sorting it out. If you talk in person anything like you do in online I bet she was ready to be hit with that car when she got it after all that chatter.

For what it's worth I have a husband similar to you. We see life from other sides of the coin. You see the flooring needs to be fixed and banking needs to be sorted out. I see the piles of dishes to be washed and clothes to be put away.

With 3 children under 4 I was mostly astonished you wrote that you rested and went on the computer when there was nothing else to do. How have you ever reached the bottom of your to do list? Does she??

My husband and I mainly cope by being able to say to each other "Life sucks. It's too hard. I'm not coping". We both do it so we both work really hard to make time for the other. We make sure we keep talking, we pay a babysitter so we can go out. We make sure the other one has time off that is their idea of time off. Eg my DH can play on the computer for a bit or I can lie in bed in peace with a coffee.

I did not read any heart, or compassion, or love for your wife. I wonder if that is because you are on the spectrum as you say. She's not going to give you an error code you can Google, she is telling you in as many ways as she can that she is not coping. I suggest you try and give her a bit of time off and take the 3 kids away somewhere for the day, maybe overnight if you can go to her or your parents?

Why isn't he emptying that water from the drawer of the condenser tumble drier, a few litres at a time usually, directly into the drain of his choice?

Also this story doesn't add up.

Tumble dryer by the garage door yet impossible to get to it from inside? Is his wife putting 45 kg of washing in it through the front tarmacked drive wading through knee high moss he harvests bi-monthly?

MyNameIsMyUserName - Thank you for that, that sounds very similar to where we are now. Did you guys sort it out (I'm guessing from the first sentence no..?). Can you tell me/us more?

Phew.....have to admit, I gave up halfway through the second rant! But one thing stood out, your DW had to manage without a washing machine for two weeks......with three small children?!

I thought that a general improvement to yield efficiency gains would be a 8kg/14minute quick wash versus the outgoing 5kg 1hr quick wash model.

You cannot treat your wife and family like a business!! Just because you are the sole earner does not give you the right to control all the household expenditure like this. She's doing the laundry, let her choose the machine she wants without all this obsessive 'research'.

The poor woman. She must be tearing her hair out.

Read the whole thing and my thoughts are that you need to cut each other some slack. You may work very hard but she is working non stop, that whole stay at home parent thing is mentally shattering a lot of the time as well as rewarding, and doesn't offer any kind of quiet lunch hour, she needs to understand that you could do with less of a list of ways she isn't happy in your life because *insert material issue here.
I think counselling would help.
And a weekend away from kids if possible to rekindle something, laugh and be silly and sleep!!!!!

Btw regarding work hours.

You work outside the home 8.30 - 6.00 (or whatever it was you finally settled on)

She works inside the home the same hours.

Then, when you are back, you are both equally responsible for both childcare and housework, etc.

Neither job trumps the other. It's called teamwork, or marriage. You're not 'helping her out' with the children.

I suspect your wife feels completely undervalued and unloved (been there). I also had a husband who had very fixed ideas about the 'right way' to do things. Basically, the right way was his way and anything else was wrong. There was never any appreciation of the work that I did, or that my priorities could be different but equally valued.

I was also the crabby and grumpy one. It was because I was constantly conscious that nothing I would do would be right.

We eventually divorced (my instigation). I still regret the fact that I wasn't able to get him to see that sometimes there really isn't a right or wrong. Sometimes it's just a difference of opinion and both are equally valued.

Btw, my ex was also always doing 'stuff' around the house. But it was always his priority stuff, never mine......

I think I'll be bucking the trend here....

1. I read it
2. I felt sorry for you

I'm not saying it's not hard looking after three young children but you should all at least be working together. The responsibility of providing for a family is a hard one, getting work life balance especially when it's your own business is tough.

I do wonder if your both better out of it all, but that's for you to decide as a couple. I can't imagine anything more disheartening then being taken for granted whilst working like a dog

I think for as long as you both feel your paddling in your own boats and sinking you'll not get far.. If you can't talk/get counselling then I don't think you'll be able to understand one another...

I hope that there is enough in your relationship for you to battle through if that's what you both want

OP, I feel for the obvious frustration in your posts. I will say that the 'keeping our things nice' thing is something my OH does, and there is nothing that enrages me more than him hovering behind me as I load the dishwasher or giving me 'helpful tips' on how to cut onions or to wash his posh knives.

It's really, really hard to live with another person even when you don't have any kids, so I think you need to give yourself, and your wife a big old break. You sound really resentful, she (from what you say) sounds really resentful too - you do really both need to be on the same team. The nub of it is - do you love her? Would you miss her?

I think, practically speaking, you both could benefit from a bit of counselling - as someone upthread said, it's not about who's right/wrong, it's about trying to unpick what's frustrating you both, finding solutions and loving each other more. You could probably make a list of three things each that are depressing you - her: never ending household drudgery you: perceived carelessness and find ways around them.

I'm not married yet, I don't have any kids, but I try to, when frustrated and enraged with OH, 1) deep breath to calm down and 2) a little hug, because he's usually angry too, but I love him, and it's no fun arguing. Physical/verbal affection goes a long way. Sometimes when my OH goes to the shop he brings me back a chocolate bar I like - it sounds stupid, but he's just doing something nice for me, and I appreciate it.

Good luck.

What Iknownuffink said. Maybe her parents will point this out to her, poor kids. Maybe the parents will just indulge her in which case I think you have a continual problem and need to take action before it escalates even more. Counselling? Would she agree? Would you go?

Hope putting it all down helped as you sound so very much at the end/baffled.

No we didn't sort it out. I pretty much walked out on him in a similar way and said no more. I don't care about the bin bag that I over filled or the time I didn't empty out the rubbish from the car, or when I over filled the washing machine and it leaked. Or the time I went to take a child to nursery and forgot the babies socks and it was cold and got locked out and he had to drive angrily home from work to let me in.
Because he would not stop bringing it up, and I felt like a total failure. All the time. Like I was not the best version of woman he would like. Initially I tried but then I gave up trying to be perfect and stopped caring.

I am on my own for a very long time. And I will only settle for someone who makes me feel GOOD about myself all the time even if I never meet them... Life is way too short for all this crap, it honestly is. It's also a total sexual buzz kill. They have to love me, for me. Diet Coke cans and all!

How do you know she writes about you on here OP. You are sounding quite controlling and a touch obsessive.

Run OP's wife, run!

You do come across as an overbearing nag? Perhaps I'm being judgemental but if you spoke to me in that kind of condescending tone your post is written in I'd probably also deliberately piss you off.

I agree with What Ellie 264 said. I think you are really trying to be a good husband. And maybe your wife is trying to new good wife too - but somehow you are both failing to communicate what is important to you to each other.
I think the counselling idea was a good one. Would you be willing to try it?
Good luck.

I admire your wife's restraint to be honest. If I was married to you you'd be wearing one of those Teflon pans by now. You do understand that if there are five people in your family, you either get a 7 seater or are never able to give one of your kids' friends a lift? It's hardly being a princess...

Jesus. Not much shocks me but the contempt in your posts did.

3 kids under 4? I've got 2 and it's all I can do to keep us all alive and fed some days. It's a fucking siege.

I hope she stays away. And good luck keeping house perfectly when you have all 3 kids on your own, when she drops them off to visit you.

You sound like the parent,you talk like she is a child....she is yr equal....do you give her
Equal say in washing machine purchase etc ..does she have her own money so she doesn't have to ask you for any?are you demanding/ sulking / pressuring her in to sex when shes tired????...if you want yr wife home, firstly contact mumsnet and deleat this post...it's not going to help matters...secondly..send a huge bunch of flowers to her parents for her....with a card saying..I'm a twat ..I love you..I'm sorry..talk to me..I'm listening.....then give her some space ...and hope she comes home...if she does.LISTEN. X

I do feel sorry for you by the way, there are 2 sides to the story but I feel sorry for my ex in the way that he would never ever have thought to ask people what he did wrong. You at least do want advice and to gain insight so I think you do love her.

She feels under valued and not good enough and you keep reinforcing that, even though you probably don't realise you are doing it. And she then makes you feel under valued.
You HAVE to let some of this stuff go, even if you don't stay together it's no good for you. Brooding on these things just never helps you in life.