Should I cancel our wedding?

[crazyassfool]

Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....

I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.

When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.

Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.

This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.

Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding :(

I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!

I am a gambling addict. No one knows the extent of my gambling because I lie. OP, whatever your man says about the drug use is merely damage limitation and if he cannot quit drugs now for you, for love, he never will. If you have pleaded with him and he hasn't been able or willing to fight, he never will.

Also - you need to free yourself from the tension of your man and his drinking because one day it will get worse than you ever thought possible. There is enough going on in life to hurt us, to mess with our heads, to worry us or make us angry without marrying someone who adds to that. No marriage is 100% happiness and rainbows but the person you share your life with should be the person shielding you from pain, not causing it. Even in the midst of a row, your man should respect you - a bitch is nothing more than an animal and that insight into his perception of you makes me sad for you.

It's worrying that you are using your personality as a possible excuse for him. It shows you are already weaker as a result of him. We flourish and grow when we're in a good relationship. Go out and seek more than this 98% and you'll be stunned, once the hard part is over, how much better it can be.

Wetpaint - good post, I hope you're in recovery?

OP - I really feel for you, this must come as a massive shock to read this more or less unanimous call to cancel the wedding. I'm afraid I agree with PPs who are warning you that going through with it will be a big mistake.

You laid down some clear, reasonable boundaries when you told him that cocaine use was a deal breaker for you. Not only did he step over that boundary but he also took a great shit on it from on high but using IN YOUR HOME. This, to me, shows such a massive lack of respect for you, your relationships and the home you have built together. He's saying, in clear unambiguous actions that your feelings and opinions mean exactly zero to him.

I married a man who went on drink binges every couple of months and was a bit of an arse when drunk. Once we were married he became an habitual weed user, a drunk who abused me physically and emotionally and cheated on me. He went out about once a month and just didn't come home at night. We had two children and it was devastating for a few years until I screwed up my courage and divorced him.

I wish I'd heeded the red flags a waving before I married him and had our children. You have been given a great gift by posting here - a glimpse into you future. You have the chance to change it before this ruins a substantial part of your life.

Best of luck.

Wedding or no wedding, please do not have children with this man.

I'm another who thinks cancel the wedding.

You say you asked him to stop drugs, he told you he'd stop the coke but smoke weed once a week. But then he didn't stop the coke either, and lied about it. And those "5-10 times" will be way more. If someone is lying about drugs, you will never be able to trust them. You will never be able to leave your DC with him because he just doesn't think that he should have to not take drugs regardless of who is asking him or why.

The drinking I wouldn't have a problem with, other than that he gets nasty, which just makes me feel really sad for you that you think this is all you deserve.

OP my friend married a man like this . Had DC He died of an overdose recently. Get out now

Don't have children with him!
Don't marry him!

You don't have to justify it. You don't have to justify why you don't like people being "drunk".

Most people at a wedding or other social occasion do not drink to the point of being "drunk", especially by their late 20s.

Nevermind the lies and drugs. And if he has "friends" who can readily supply him with Coke - are those the kind of "friends" you would like around your children?

When you have got rid of him, try to get some counselling, and find out why you feel "guilty" for having standards. What lessons did you learn from your childhood?

It doesn't matter is someone else would be cool with his behaviour. What matters is how you think and feel.

Thank you Younicorne, I decided at the weekend to really try again to give it up. Only three days but it's a start

Good for you WetPaint. You're already taking the brilliant step of acknowledging you've got a problem and trying to address it! Amazing!

Have a look for any local GA groups, or online maybe?

All the best of luck to you!

Yeah, I'm going to go to GA because I know I need help. I just have to build up the courage to go. But thank you

Apologies OP for slightly derailing your thread.

Wetpaint, please do get the help, really hope you can move onto better times.

crazyassfool if you were my daughter I would want you to cancel the wedding.

I would be shocked and upset to hear the truth about your partner, but I would believe every word you said, share your worries about the future and support you in cancelling all the arrangements, whatever the cost.

Mummytime some good points there. About the friends supplying, that's exactly how it happens for some people, my fella's dealer was a friend of his who would turn up at our front door at 6am with a bag of drugs. He lived about a 2 hour drive away but he would just come on over at stupid o'clock because my fella was giving him quite a lot of money.

We eventually moved to another part of the country and didn't tell him. That's how bad the situation had been. Oh and we switched on the TV one night and another ex friend of my fella's from his drug abuse days was up in court on a murder charge.