Should I cancel our wedding?

[crazyassfool]

Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....

I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.

When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.

Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.

This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.

Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding :(

I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!

You should never be on edge because your partner drinks and can become a nightmare/nasty. NEVER

If anyone drinks to that level then he isn't a safe partner. Or you can get round the drinking by going away for the weekend when he drinks.

What is your plan when kids come along and he gets bad following a drink? You tiptoe around him and hide in the spare room? That's what a lot of women in that situation do.

They keep the kids outof harms way because Daddy will yell at them.

He likes the coke and won't stop it.

No man or woman is perfect, but your fiancé uses illegal drugs. That's not something I would find acceptable. Now you're just trying to justify and lowering your values so he can slot in.

His behaviour clearly changed after the coke use or your mind wouldn't have been suspicious.

I appreciate this may sound harsh but based on my experiences from what you've outlined yes, I'd break up.

1. He's lied to your face about something he's going to do
2. he's not going to stop doing drugs just cos you have a child
3. what is a nightmare (in your own words) but manageable now with no children, will I bitterly assure you, be 1000 times worse should you have a child. I've been there and it is awful.

Trust your instincts on this one. Walk away

Yes, cancel the wedding.

He's had opportunities to change and he hasn't.

Be embarrassed now to save yourself from a future with him.

(I've asked relationship advice on here before, I ignored it then a few months later realised everyone was right so had to write another thread about leaving him! Do it now to save needing a divorce!)

On a fundamental level, you don't seem compatible.

I know you're saying 98% of the time you are etc but - unless you are willing to accept his drug use/extreme drunkenness this will just come up again and again.

The fact that the drug taking is a deal breaker for you makes you fundamentally incompatible. He won't stop taking drugs. He won't understand why you want him to. He won't think he's really doing anything wrong. You have two totally different perspectives on a fundamental deal breaker issue. He should never have said he would stop doing drugs if he didn't intend to. But I think you need to accept that he isn't going to change this behaviour and make a call on that basis.

Sorry to be blunt but either you accept that he is going to do this or it's a deal breaker and you break up.

Sorry you're going through this

My husband has never once called me names or "been an idiot with me" in over 20 years of marriage and he likes a drink.

Same with my DP. He hasn't been a "nightmare" 6 times in our relationship, let alone six times a year. Not saying this to be smug OP but because having to put up with that shit isn't part of a healthy relationship. You've been with him your entire adult life, so understandably it may seem normal or acceptable to you, but it's really not.

Also I find the nasty drunk stuff worrying. Being called a bitch would be a deal breaker for me.
I really think you deserve more.

When I don't know what to do, I write a honest, even-tempered letter to the person who's trying me (even if that person is my OH). I give it 24 hours, re-read the letter and decide if I want to give the letter to them and if not what I DO want to do. It helps me prioritise and it might help you to!

An ultimatum might not be the answer, but I wouldn't marry someone who could lie like that to me. Maybe if he knew how it made you feel and you reinforced the dangers of drug use: to his career, to your relationship, etc... He might change his attitude.

And if partying on cocaine n more important to him than you are, then he's not worth marrying.

Best of luck.

Silver, that is a good post. I am not completely anti drugs. I don't like them around kids and I don't like them if one half of a partnership lies and takes the piss.

Surely everyone's partners have faults?

Of course they do, we all do. But, speaking personally having been with the same man for 26 years, his faults are more along the lines of he likes watching football on the tv (I never knew this about my husband before I married him!) or he is a bit lazy and doesn't offer to help with the washing up, not major issues such as lying to me.

And faults tend to develop slowly over many years, not rear their ugly head 3 months before the wedding. I know it is hard to read these opinions, but, tbh at the best of times, marriage is bloody long and hard enough as it is, without there being massive red flags waving at the very start.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-have-boundaries-in-your-relationships/

He'd have to give up both weed and coke, and probably alcohol too as he's snorting after having a few drinks.

Should you walk away? Well answer this, he was supposed to give up coke years ago, he lied and is still using and I agree with the poster who said it will be ten times what he admitted to, or more. So do you want to have kids with this guy, do you want your kids finding this shit around the house? Do you want him pretending he's not using because of the kids, or do you want your kids growing up thinking coke must be OK because daddy snorts it?

He's not going to be a great dad, no man who lies about snorting coke will make a great dad. Don't bring kids into this, you think you've got problems now? Just wait until you've just had a baby and he's gone out and you don't know if he will stay away from cocaine.

And smoking weed once a week, drug addicts need to give up ALL drugs in order to sort their lives out. He is deluded if he thinks that he can still smoke and do weed, absolutely deluded. I speak from experience by the way.

I meant still smoke weed.

As shovetheholly says, there is a world of difference between someone who takes recreational drugs occasionally, and someone who is addicted. It's the difference between having a glass of wine with dinner and being an alcoholic.

The trouble is that though your dp doesn't drink often, he has a tendency to drink to excess when he can, and when he does he becomes unpleasant. That would seriously worry me.

When he takes drugs, he becomes unpleasant. That too would worry me.

It seems that when he takes drugs, I include alcohol in that, he becomes unpleasant.

The risk is that he will do drugs and/or alcohol more often, possibly in greater quantity (this is likely, I'm afraid), and then be nasty. It is also likely that the nastiness will increase too.

There are people who just become silly (and funny) when their barriers are down. I do, and dh is unintentionally hilarious when drunk so not everyone becomes horrid.

The question is, would you rather the father of your children was a silly drunk or a nasty drunk?

I'm 53 and not one man has ever called me a bitch. You are ignoring the red flags.

Starry0ne, my guy gave up weed a few years ago. For the next few months it was a huge struggle, in order to give up he had to get a new phone, block his friends out of his life (one was a drug dealer), completely change his whole outlook on life. When he was smoking he had really bad mood swings, got in trouble with speeding offences (twice), started fights outside for no reason, one time he started shouting at some poor bloke in McDonald's because the guy had accidentally walked into him. It was horrible, I was walking on eggshells for years, but he's off weed just over three years and it's like he's a different person now.

By the way OP you name it my fella did it, cocaine, legal highs, everything except meth and heroin. But the one drug that he found the hardest to come away from was weed.

Boaty people can go from taking recreational drugs occasionally for years to addiction. I'm wondering if this guy has become an addict in this way? You don't have to take a drug every day or even every week to be an addict.

Your marriage is going to be built on lies, mistrust, disrespect and a potential drug problem. Who wants that? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

Its a lot easier to cancel a wedding than end up miserable, full of regret then spending even more money on a divorce.

Skip the divorce; do not marry him. The prospects of the relationship going the distance are nonexistent.

I also just want to say that some alcoholics and drug addicts successfully give up alcohol and drugs way younger than 31. If OP thinks that it's asking too much for a 31 year old to give up alcohol and drugs then she's definitely not really that bothered about what happens in their future after all and perhaps we shouldn't waste any more time pointing out the issues that certainly lie ahead of her and wish her luck.

Is it possible that he wants out and engineered you finding the evidence so that it would be you ending the relationship and not him? Some guys can't cope with being seen as the bad guy which he may feel pulling out of an expensive wedding that you are obviously looking forward to would paint him as.

Even if this isn't the case I would be cancelling the wedding as soon as possible. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to pull out. No one would criticise you for wanting to be sure before making this kind of commitment.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

I'm pretty sure that he will lie to you about anything he wants to keep from you. And then if exposed, he will lie again - as he did to you this weekend.

Wisdom on MN points to these kinds of behaviours getting much worse after getting married.

He's called your bluff after your last ultimatum. He's confident that you won't call off the wedding. Once you are married/have children he will be confident you won't want a divorce or won't want to upset the children, and he will continue to do what he wants to do, and lie to you to cover it up.

And he will keep doing what he wants to do despite the rules you have agreed on - because although he smiles and nods with you, he isn't really in agreement with you at all.

Needless to say this isn't a great place to start a marriage from.

Is it possible that he wants out and engineered you finding the evidence so that it would be you ending the relationship and not him?
this crossed my mind too - I mean it's hardly difficult to hide evidence of cocaine taking in the house. Do consider you finding this evidence might be deliberate OP.

ouch 2nds. That is harsh.

I am heartbroken, in denial and yes probably justifying his actions to myself as I am so desperately unhappy that i'm in this situation.

Sorry if that has got your back up. I'm 28. I've bee with him since I was 19. I don't know any other relationship or all the rules of what i should feel and should do.

I don't think he is addicted to alcohol. And given our age and the fact that we constantly attend weddings and social gatherings then alcohol is a big part of that. maybe he does need to give it up i don't know? I never said he shouldnt? just that a short term ban wouldn't necessarily help our situation.

I don't think the evidence was deliberate no. He just didn't clean up fully after himself and I spotted it... whether his behavior is him subconsciously wanting out I don't know. But no I don't think what I found was a deliberate action.

Drug taking is irresponsible. It is illegal and can land you a criminal record. That's not what I would want for my kids. What kind of a role model is he going to be ?

Do as I say and not as I do?

Excess alcohol is also bad and can mean you aren't the best parent.

Why do you accept him called you a bitch when drunk? So would you be happy if a future child of yours was called a bitch by her DP?

Up your standards girl.