Should I cancel our wedding?

[crazyassfool]

Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....

I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.

When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.

Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.

This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.

Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding :(

I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!

Like an action replay of the lead up to my wedding

I went through with it, had 2 children. He got WORSE not better, and yes, surprise surprise we are now divorced.

On the coke thing, he told me after we divorced - "you have no idea how much I took and it was much much more than you think"

I wish I had had the guts to trust myself when I was 28 and wavering a few months before the wedding. I really do. Yeah yeah I have got 2 great kids, but they are ties to HIM, I could have should have chosen better.

Get it out, all your fears about calling off the wedding. If you can become an emotionless rational machine about it, you will be fine. Complying to "what you should do" will only end in pain for you.

He won't really give a shit btw.

Cancel NOW. He uses class A drugs and lies about it. He's a binge drinker who turns into a wanker when he does so.

You're young. PLEASE cancel the wedding now and break up with him for good.

"Being a bit of an idiot with me"

That really could mean anything. what exactly does he do?

I have a slightly different view. To my mind the drugs aren't the problem here - and honestly once children are on the scene they would likely be a distant memory because there just isn't space in that small child dynamic for coke etc.

He is an adult and you have no kids, so to most of my contemporaries pre-kids his position looks reasonable to be honest.

But, for whatever reason he has lied. He might well be feeling that you've cornered him into this lie.

To give you a view to his possible perspective. He doesn't want to give up drugs entirely and he doesn't want to give up you either. You made it an either or option, which was pretty much doomed to failure. So having set him up to fail, he has failed. But this is not what you want to hear.

If he had asked you for permission and said to you, I want to take drugs this weekend what would you have said? Probably not "Yes".

So what next? Can you be ok with the reality of this situation? If you make it either you or a bit of coke occasionally, the coke (or whatever) will win one way or another. If you can be a bit grey about it - ok occasionally - couple of times a year, never around kids/you, or the day before being around kids or whatever works, then you are much more likely to find a compromise that is realistic.

You've made yourself the looser in this because he almost definitely thinks you want to kill his bit of occasional fun.

I guess if you want to save your future marriage you can talk to him and see what he says in view of what I've just written. But, if you are not capable of being a bit grey on this issue, then you might as well cancel the wedding.

The far bigger issue for me would be being an alcohol fuelled tosser 6x a year.

x-post

I see you are 28 too

I am 42 now and if only I could somehow tell you that you have your whole life ahead of you and calling off a wedding would be laughed about within year. When you are 29.

At the very least postpone it and see how you feel in a year.

If drugs is your line in the sand then you have your answer...

Do you want him to have all this around your future kids? Doesn't seem like it...

surely every's partners have faults?

Not of the drug taking, habitual lying, broken promises variety, lovey.

And on the drinking.. it depends how much of an idiot he is when he drinks... what do you meant by that?

But anyway, the drug taking would be enough for me to be out.

It might be good to ask the question if there is anyone out there who was unsure if they were making the right decision on their wedding day for whom it has now worked out?

ElspethFlashman - By being an idiot a couple of times a year I mean that he drinks to excess. Sometimes to the point where he can no longer stand. He can be very argumentative in this state, not wanting to stop drinking, calling me a bitch if I want to leave the night out etc. Generally being unpleasant. To put it into time context the last time he was like this was NYE this year.

OK, let's leave the issue of honesty aside for just a second. Not ignoring it, but just bracketing it for two minutes.

I think the question I have is: how sure are you that this is very occasional use? Practically speaking, there is a world of difference between sporadic recreational drug use and a proper habit. I would be seriously concerned about the latter and I would definitely cancel a wedding before it was resolved. I would be far, far less concerned about the former. Many of the people I know took drugs in their 20s and 30s occasionally - and most are high-achieving, fairly bohemian professionals (writers, academics, artists etc) for whom it's had no impact at all on their lives. The notion that sporadic, recreational drug use is the same thing as a serious addiction is simply not true, however much Mumsnet tends to treat the two as the same! However, you do need to be really, really sure that this isn't an iceberg problem - where there is an addiction that is being presented as occasional use.

Now the lying. I think this is a big deal - far bigger than the drugs. However, I think it's sortable if your DH is truly willing to stop (or if you can agree another compromise). However, once trust has been broken you need full transparency to restore it. That means that you need to have financial oversight and any other access (e.g. to phones) that is required for you to feel certain that he's going to stick to the new agreement. If he baulks at that, then I think that's a sign that he's not willing to be completely open with you. Don't buy any bullshit that 'When the trust is gone, it's over'. If you want to regain someone's trust, you offer them complete openness, an all-access pass to every corner of your life. (DH and I do this anyway, not because there are trust issues but simply because it radically simplifies everything).

I have a slightly different view. To my mind the drugs aren't the problem here - and honestly once children are on the scene they would likely be a distant memory because there just isn't space in that small child dynamic for coke etc.

That is such a naive statement.

I know that it is untrue and many men people continue with this lifestyle after children. I probably thought that to be true when I was 28 though and took the risk. Didn't work out too well.

Yes cancel the wedding. Do not get married. Not wasting the money spent so far is not remotely a sensible reason to undertake a contract as serious as marriage.

A marriage isn't about a wedding day, it's about the rest of your lives. IF he turns his life around and you decide to marry him eventually you still can. One of the loveliest weddings I went to was one where the couple had planned and booked a big wedding, which then got called off and all their money was lost, and a couple of years later after coming through many troubles they did get married on a shoestring with a bring&share picnic for the reception and the reason it was so lovely was that every single item - service sheets, decorations, plastic forks, you name it - was an expression of love for the bride and groom from their friends. Calling off the wedding needn't be a disaster - but going ahead with it certainly could be!

The OP has already stated that she doesn't find drug taking acceptable.

It's completely unnecessary to tell her that occasional drug use is okay.

Don't marry anyone who gets drunk and calls you a bitch because you want to go home.

Yeah, it is true that getting married is the easy bit.

It is an actual legal agreement that you will share everything with this person - so if he chooses to lie and piss money up the wall, you are half liable and in my cynical view on people like him, he is exactly the type to piss money away and rack up debts.

Divorce and ongoing marriage to a fuckwit costs you much more than a wedding.

In 13 years my OH has never called me a bitch. Not once.

I think your standards are very low if you think being called a bitch a few times a year by someone who's meant to be deeply in love with you is being "an idiot". It's actually very upsetting and a massive red flag.

If you have a daughter - "Mum he gets paralytic and he's vile to me, calls me a bitch and all sorts"
You: "Well love your father's been doing that to me for 30 years so maybe you shouldn't make that much of it"

I also know of married fathers who partake in drug use. It's not uncommon.

Op ultimately the choice is yours. If the choice was mine i would absolutely NOT be marrying a man whose word I cannot trust...or who calls me a bitch when drunk even just once

scrap that the last time was my friends wedding in march. He wasn't mean to me that night but did drink quite a bit so I was embarrassed of how drunk he was. Stomping around the dance floor then joking about going out after when everyone else was more than happy to call it a night after a great day.

I must add though - I have never liked to see my parents drunk either (despite liking a drink myself) so this is an issue which is as much about me as him I think. I am uptight around him and he reacts by being mean sometimes.

He calls you a bitch? It sounds like he did that while you were out in public too? Jesus woman. You are at risk of sleepwalking into Hell here. You can't marry this person, listen to yourself??

If you insist on marrying please be careful not to have kids. They will suffer so much.

My husband has never once called me names or "been an idiot with me" in over 20 years of marriage and he likes a drink.

You all need to stop associating the word 'drugs' with bad people (as has been said before) and think about this a bit more. Your fiance says he has taken coke 5 - 10 times in the last 5 years. This is recreational use, he is not an addict as some of you are jumping all over yourselves to label him as. OP, why did you think that giving a drug user who you willingly got into a relationship with an ultimatum was a good idea? If anyone ever gave me an ultimatum about anything I'd leave as it strikes as controlling and possessive. Those of you saying he won't be a responsible father because he has taken drugs - what about those of you whose partners drink alcohol? Are they not responsible either because any given day they could decide to get drunk?

I don't know whether you should marry this man or not but I think you should stop being so narrow-minded and think about how your behaviour has contributed to this situation.

It's called experience TheBOss

I know the type she is talking about.

They are not good marriage material.

The flags are flying bright and red.

Depressed is not a reason to lie and call your loved one a bitch

I have a partner now who has never said one vile thing to me in many years, not one, never raised his voice or criticised me, or lied.

The type of man the OP is describing is a waste of space, and they never change - I am 42 now and see the 40-odd year old version all the time. If they happen to be still married, it is miserable. They may even give up their drug use, but they are still usually liars.