Should I cancel our wedding?

[crazyassfool]

Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....

I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.

When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.

Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.

This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.

Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding :(

I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!

He can be very argumentative in this state, not wanting to stop drinking, calling me a bitch if I want to leave the night out etc.

I like a drink, my husband likes a drink. I/He will on a fairly regular basis get pretty pissed. It's a pretty normal, if undesirable part of British and Irish culture. I have never been verbally abused by any partner or given abuse to a partner when I have drunk to excess. Should I do so, I would a) be extremely apologetic and b) take some serious steps to control myself better.

A nasty drunk is someone to avoid, not marry. Someone who hides their drug taking and deliberately uses your absence to abuse drugs is sending you a very clear signal that they don't respect your views/wishes/dislike of their drug taking and will continue to do so.

You are asking complete strangers on the internet as you want to validate your desire to listen to your gut and run very far away, but you are culturally conditioned by a country that sees very little harm in drinking to excess, and certainly wouldn't cancel a wedding and a long term relationship over it.

You are 28. There will be other men who love you and respect you.

If you asked him to stop drinking [and anything else] between now and your wedding day [including his stag] do you think he would?

I am pretty certain it is occasional and not a habit, nor likely to escalate into a habit or debts. Due to our issues in the past I am very 'in tune' to when he has lied/is feeling guilty. Hence me knowing something was off before I found the evidence.

crazyassfool in each post you write your partner sounds more and more like my exH. The lying, drugs, drinking, nastiness, everything.

Please please don't marry him, or at the very least postpone the wedding for a good while. It honestly won't end well.

I'm so sorry, and totally get the embarrassment and 'shame' of pulling out of the wedding at sort notice. Tbh, it sounds like this is getting more regular and as the wedding gets closer I'd bet he thinks you won't pull out so can behave as he likes. I WISH to God I'd never married my ex; please don't make the mistake I did.

You are "uptight" when he drinks for a very god reason. His nasty side comes out. It's always there. Tie yourself to this man, make yourself vulnerable by having a couple of kids and boom you find yourself trapped in a bad relationship. And he won't stop "being an idiot with you" and you won't stop worrying about the next time he gets high... risking his health, his job and his marriage.

Not a great way to live.

Op your minimising the situation here and giving excuses for his behaviour. The fact that you don't like to see people drunk does not give him the go ahead to act like a tool and be abusive towards you. It's never ok for your partner to call you a bitch or be vile to you drunk or not. It's also not ok for you to ask your partner not to do something which they agree not to do and then lie back when they disrespect you so much. I

I know it's easy for us all to say this...we're not you and it's not our lives. But read back this thread and really read what you have said about your life with your partner. 1%vile shitness can not be disregarded because 99% is ok

I think it's difficult for one partner and not the other to be into recreational drugs on an occasional basis. Clearly you are dead against so he lies about it. It might be symbolic of deeper divisions in your relationship and differences in your personalities but it might be that he is a bit of a hedonist and you aren't. Only you can decide if it is serious enough to call off your wedding though.

My heart goes out to you op. It really does. I would hate to be in your position.

As someone who is getting married In 10 weeks I must admit if DP did this to me, I would cancel the wedding, on two counts. He has lied to you, would he have told you about this had you not found out? It appears he waited till you were gone so he planned this, it doesn't seem it was a spur of the moment thing. What else can he lie about?

If in a year or two and there is children on the scene, do you want them to
Grow up thinking this is normal?

I would also cancel it because of the drug taking but I wouldn't want that in my life. Your DP sounds like a prat when he's drunk and I wouldn't tolerate that.

It's like the shit in the coffee cup

That coffee is good and delicious but only the tiniest drop of shit renders it foul

Yes I think if I asked him to stop drinking between now and the wedding (his stag was in April) I am pretty certain that he would. But I also think that it's not practical to think at 31 that he'll give up alcohol forever and so I don't think a short term ban would really achieve anything.

A "nightmare" drinker every 2 months. Smokes weed weekly. I don't think the coke is your biggest problem at all.

This is him at the easiest point in his life. He has the benefits of living with a nice girlfriend who gives him loads of attention and is awfully forgiving. He has none of the big stresses that come with having children yet. You mention that he "helps" around the house. Blimey. It's already your job and he "helps". Two incomes, no kids, maximum disposable cash, still young and healthy, parents not yet decrepit and needing help, career still on the up. Yep, he is in the easiest time of his life.

God help him when he has some real stress. Like when you have children and responsibilities.

This statement says it all I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed

He is an embarrassment to you.

You are planning to marry a man who is an embarrassment, unless you hide his behaviour from others. His behaviour. Not yours.

You know full well your friends and family will be shocked and will be cross with him. They will feel sorry for you. They will know you don't have a great relationship. There will be gossip. They will talk about any bad stuff they've noticed (there will have been stuff and they will have noticed). That'll feel rubbish to you.

However, can you imagine what they'll say and how you'll feel, if you wait until you have a broken marriage along with damaged children of a problem drinker / druggie and a history of increasing anxiety / depression? Especially when they inevitably find out he was pulling some pretty bad shit even before you got married or got pregnant.

One of those painful futures will happen. Your choice of which one.

Start telling the truth in RL. It is the least bad option.

BO, you sound like a blatant goader or someone who isn't the full shilling.

Yes, you should cancel the wedding.

Because you have doubts. Doesn't matter what the doubts are about - drugs, drink, religion, politics... If you're sitting here now wondering whether it's a good idea, get out while you can.

The person who wrote that marriage is endless made me laugh. It really is.

The money will sort, the embarrassment of calling it all off will fade.

I disagree with the tone of the debate here. Recreational drug use doesn't make you an addict. Harsh words do not automatically constitute abuse.

But the doubts you are having? They are enough.

Plenty of us have made bad relationship decisions!

You initially said he drinks to excess and says/does unpleasant things around every other month. That's way more than a couple of times a year. Calling you a bitch is unacceptable at any time! And when he drinks you worry. He doesn't care if he embarrasses you or others. All this suggests a problem.

You also say you organise everything about your lives. That's not great either.

This does not sound at all like someone who is a good partner or friend or someone who will be a good father.

Why do you question yourself and call yourself uptight? Did someone in your family have drink problems and was this "normalised"?

A friend who had DC with someone like this (minus the coke - "just" weed and booze) still has to deal with the impact on her DC years after they broke up, eg worrying about her ex being drunk or stoned while in sole charge of DC, expressing permissive attitudes to drink and drugs, DC noticing things aren't right.

The wedding dilemma brings the sunk costs fallacy to mind.

Can I offer another perspective here. Try not to judge me, I am trying to be helpful. I was a coke user (and other drugs, serious ones) for a number of years, within a marriage where we both were. It worked well up to a point, and when we split up (after over 15 years) it was nothing to do with the drug taking. It wasn't a conventional marriage but we had a helluva ride together and managed at the same time to both get on very well in our professional careers. BUT: we did not lie to each other about our drug use, AND we accepted that we were not going to have any children. If those two conditions had not been true it would not have been viable. I would therefore urge you to think again unless you are content with a very unconventional and childless life.

(PS before anyone has a go at me, my life circumstances are totally different now, I don't use drugs, and I do have children...)

"Yes I think if I asked him to stop drinking between now and the wedding (his stag was in April) I am pretty certain that he would. But I also think that it's not practical to think at 31 that he'll give up alcohol forever and so I don't think a short term ban would really achieve anything"

LOL to the first sentence, are you really that gullible?. Its hard enough to change just one of your behaviours, asking someone else to change theirs is an exercise in futility. Your man has an addictive personality and is basically using substances both legal and illegal for his own reasons. Its nothing to do with you and predates you as well.

Why is your relationship bar so low in the first place that you chose this person to at all enter into a relationship with let alone think about marrying him?. Are you really a people pleaser, a rescuer and or saviour when it comes to relationships?.

Sorry, you need to cancel. xx

It is pretty unanimous OP - how have the responses made you feel?

I am 28. Intelligent, I have a good job, financially independent if needs be. I am not a fool in any other aspect of my life. Yet here I am begging for opinions from strangers on the internet

I don't think you are begging for opinions from strangers, I think you're looking for validation of the decision you know you need to make, but are having difficulty putting into action.

The more you describe your relationship the worse it comes across.

If I were you I'd cancel the wedding and sooner rather than later. Any financial loss or embarrassment will pale beside the likelihood of an unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce.

Yes, cancel. Immediately.

RunRabbit that is a fantastic post.

Oh, another massive red flag is that you are hyper-alert to spot his lies and see this as a positive thing! And perhaps that this will somehow insure you against his lies (It's not positive or and must be exhausting).

"Yes I think if I asked him to stop drinking between now and the wedding (his stag was in April) I am pretty certain that he would.''

Oh yes, my ex would stop drinking for defined periods of time too. And then when he started again, the binges would be worse. It doesn't mean anything. You would both be kidding yourselves.

Re the being the one to organise everything, that was me in my relationship with exP. I once started a thread about his twatty behaviour and some people said I was controlling/micro-managing. Well yes I was, because as others pointed out, if the other person does fuck all, you end up sorting stuff out for you and for them because it has to be done. It's not healthy, but it's an easy dynamic to fall into if you happen to be a doer and organiser type person.

Yet here I am begging for opinions from strangers on the internet. Such a sad state of affairs

No, it's not. Many, many of us do it and get great advice, whether it's about ending a relationship or what shoes go with this dress. I think it's fantastic and sometimes only strangers can give a truly clear-eyed view. That's what MN and many other forums are for, and it's incredibly useful. After all you don't have to take any of the advice, but it helps you see what people in general think. It is also great for support with breakups if you do go ahead.

The few things that concern me with this post the drinking in itself is not the concern ..Many men go out and get drink every couple of months ( women too for that matter) THe concern is how he behaves and you feel like you are on eggshells waiting for who comes home.

The drugs I have no doubt he is taking more than you are aware.He consistently lies to you to cause minimal damage but continue as he was.

My now exh ( note the ex) was very paranoid on weed and he said he gave up numerous times and didn't. When DS was tiny I gave the ultimatum weed or us he said us but carried on using..Things just got steadily worse until the point . I left with ds..

A few months later he wanted to try again.. I didn't for many reasons however he said when he "gave up" before he was forced and didn't want to but did now.

I don;t doubt if we had tried again he would of continued using. At a later conversation he said he expected to be smoking it for the rest of his life... You post reminds me of this situation..

As others have said a marriage is far easier to cancel than a divorce.