Should I cancel our wedding?

[crazyassfool]

Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....

I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.

When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.

Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.

This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.

Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding :(

I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!

I think this is pretty simple, you have 2 choices...

You either accept that you are going to marry a man who takes drugs, lies to you and talks to you appallingly when intoxicated...

or

You cancel the wedding

It really is that simple. If you decide to go ahead with the wedding then it can't be done under the illusion that he will change because you've given him yet another ultimatum. It's been proven that you wanting him to change is not enough motivation for him to stop. You will therefore need to go into the marriage accepting him exactly as he currently is... if you don't the marriage is doomed already.

If you cannot accept him exactly the way he is now then there really is only one choice here - cancel the wedding, let him go his own way and you start living the life you want to live.

Being drunk just reduces inhibitions. Therefore he says what he bites his tongue about when sober. Thus he thinks you are a 'bitch'. That's why he couldn't care a less what you say about the drugs and drinking. He does not see you as his equal.

Upthread it has been said: imagine a man on coke and/or drinking excessively till he falls over looking after your future child. Imagine being called a bitch or worse infront of your future child. Acceptable? To you? Or your future children?

Your family don't know what you know.

OP I can't imagine how devastating it must be to read this thread. I imagine you thought there'd be more varied opinions - there usually are.

But, I think you did well to ask and while it may not feel like it right now, you're lucky to have had the advice of so many who were in your shoes before and went ahead with it, as well as a wider range of experiences (people never been called "bitch" etc). It's hard to know something we've not experienced and we rarely get such honest advice in real life.

Whatever you choose to do, you're armed with a whole lot more information than others who came before you, which already puts you at an advantage.

But, that's the wider picture and maybe doesn't soothe a breaking heart right now.

I think the fear of ending the relationship is causing you to override your feelings and instincts.

I know, I was you many years ago.I went ahead with wedding and did divorce once I realised it would never change.

I didn't have people I could go to for support, no wise friends and my family liked him.I felt alone and couldnt see the other side, a life without him. Like you I had met at 19.My ex, despite being close to 50 is exactly the same and it's very sad.My life is a world away from his now.I remarried and can confirm that whilst my husband drinks I am never ever on edge.

Is there anyone you can confide in? I think you know the right decision is to cancel the wedding but you need support to handle the 'fallout', the friends telling you that you are over reacting.

MN is here however to tell you that you are not over reacting.You don't need to tolerate his behaviour and you don't have to.

There really is a better man out there for you.You don't need to settle for this.I hope you can get support, it's easy for us to say leave but you have to make it happen in real life and ending a relationship takes courage.Good luck

I was you...I married a man who everyone loved, was charismatic and stop dead gorgeous.
He also smiled weed and drank. I thought it was just youth. Two dc's later the drinking for worse...he was verbally abusive and we all went through he'll. I'm now alone with two kids and huge debts and he doesn't support us. It's he'll. We have all suffered with our mental health, particularly my 13 year old dd. I'm an intelligent well educated women and I've wasted 20 years of my life because I saw the potential in a flawed man. Please listen to everyone..postpone at least.

I was with a guy like this and believed the promises to cut down/ stop.

Eventually left when I found ground up weed on our crawling baby's hand.

Horrible.

I couldn't be with someone who I had to be on my guard with when he had a drink, in case it was one of those times. I also couldn't be with someone who took drugs, ever.

I've been with my DH since I was 18. He has never called me a bitch, he has never shouted at me, he doesn't lie to me, he respects me. It doesn't sound like your fiance respects you at all. He shows you this in those times he gets drunk and is horrible and takes drugs knowing your feelings then lies to you.

Do you want to be tied to someone who has no respect for you?

but I think you should stop being so narrow-minded and think about how your behaviour has contributed to this situation.

You idiot. How the fuck can it be the OP's fault that this arse smokes dope, takes coke and is a nasty drunk? When he starts smacking her round, will you still say it's her behaviour that's contributed to this?

OP, in ten years, how do you see your life? With a bloke who gets nasty when pissed and lies to you about taking drugs? What else is he getting away with? Dump the twat.

At the very least postpone wedding until he agrees to get drug counselling and that's your final offer.

I thought when I read the title of you are asking that question then I would think you deep down know the answer.

I go to he will be a great dad some day which in the same paragraph says about his behaviour when drinking. That's enough for me I'm afraid. Someone who does that, drugs and lies aside, won't make a great dad or a great husband. Sounds like you have grown up and moved on and he hasn't. Really sorry lovely but I think you would be better to end it now than potentially be on the divorce thread 2 years from now.

From bitter experience, if it isn't right before you get married, it won't be right after.
And the getting out will be a lot worse when married than before.

The only person you should worry about is YOU! No one else will have to live your life, only you, so YOU and what YOU feel matters most. If you are not 100% sure, don't do it.

Blimey I really feel for the OP I can't believe she thought she would get this reaction.

As said upthread, trust is the minimum requirement in a long-term relationship of any sort; but he lies to you.

At the very least you can expect your partner to treat you with basic courtesy, which does not include calling you a bitch in these circumstances (or any other circumstances).

You can postpone the wedding if cancelling is a step too far right now. Oh, and you don't need to explain anything to anyone. "He has lied to me consistently for years." is more than enough by way of explanation.

I am really sorry he's been such a shit. You are reeling at his deceit, and probably don't know which way is up right now. If you postpone, it will give you time to think.

Crazyassfool you call it harsh I call it reality, no point thinking that a man snorting coke is anything but a major problem

I agree and am surprised at all the people saying that coke is not a problem. I used to live in a town when I was young then moved away. When I went back most of my friends were taking heroin and some were taking coke. Personally I would put drug-traffickers up against the wall and shoot them. The heroin was appalling and turned the addicts into thieves, but the cocaine was worse and as it makes its users violent and paranoid.

Cancel the wedding love. Save yourself years of heartache.

He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months
So every 8 weeks you're on edge because he'll turn into an arsehole when he gets drunk. Assuming that he is the same age as you and also assuming an average life expectancy, that's over 1,300 occasions where he'll do this in the future.

You say that he is caring and attentive. That doesn't tally with lying to you or keeping illegal drugs in your home, when he knows you have strong feelings on this.

You say that he'll be a great Dad - really? What about when the baby's ill or grizzling and you're knackered and need support - is he really going to NOT go out and get pissed or high and stay at home instead to help you mop up sick and poo explosions? Can you guarantee that he will put you and the baby first every single time - because he isn't putting you first at the moment, is he?

Cancel the wedding. You know that you should, otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking for advice. The reason you are is because you are - understandably - scared of taking such a drastic step. But your self-preservation instincts are kicking in and telling you not to shackle yourself to a drug addict with alcohol issues. Walk away from this man and do not look back.

I think your fiance is an adult and if he wants to take drugs, he can. You do not have the right to control him in that respect.

That said, you do have a right not to want to be with someone who takes drugs. If you feel that strongly about it then yes, you should cancel your wedding.

I have a good male friend who likes a bit of cocaine. He is always hiding it from his girlfriend who does not agree to it. I think far rather openness where both parties can decide how they want to live their lives and if they're compatible than secrecy.

No one in their right mind would marry a coke head.

Do you know the expression "in vino veritas" - truth comes out with wine.

If your fiancé treats you like shit when he is drunk, be assured that that's because at some level that's what he thinks you are.

Knowingly marrying someone who takes drugs is insane. And yes, he has taken more coke than you realise. Much more.

And also, to all the people that regard occasional coke consumption as acceptable - do you have any idea of the human toll it takes? Do you know how many people in the world suffer violence and exploitation and are killed because of drug trafficking?

Go to Colombia. Go to Bolivia. Go to Mexico. See where the coke you snort for fun comes from and what it does.

OP, I had a similar situation. I met my ex-DH at 19, married at just turned 26 with limited life & relationship experience.

Unfortunately he saved his drink & drugs for after we got married; it started going wrong when he couldn't cope with the pressure of work & took to smoking dope out the window every night as a "coping" mechanism. He was a real Jekyll & Hyde, and could be aggressive when drinking. Everyone loved him, all our friends & families. Mainly as they didn't know the truth.

I was 29 when I left. With hindsight, I wish I'd had my boundaries in place & dumped him earlier. It was the thought of having children with him which forced me to make a decision.

I'm sad I wasted a decade on him, and wish I'd known the extent of things before we married - I would have ended it before had I known.

Asking him to give up something is a waste of time, Telling, begging pleading or giving him ultimatums is a waste of time. Walk away OP and don't look back. I wouldn't marry someone that called me a bitch let alone all the rest of the crap! Crap you will have to deal with for ever if you marry him. Why would you do that to yourself? Get away and one day you will look back and wonder what the fuck you were thinking, considering marrying this arsehole.

Try to get some real life support. It must feel hard. I don't know what your life is like, but possibly you are thinking about starting a family and feeling the biological clock tick tock. It is very hard to walk away. I didn't although I had doubts. You cannot change people. You can build yourself up so that you no longer feel the need to live with certain behaviours.

If you are having doubts now, you need to take a close look at yourself and your life and ask and find out how it could be otherwise. If you are not being hurt, emotionally or physically, perhaps you could try some relationship councelling.

Absolutely! Cancel the wedding! He is selfish and untrustworthy and certainly not worthy of you You so could do way better than this

I cancelled my wedding last year - for entirely different reasons, which I will talk about here when I collect my thoughts regarding exactly what I want to say

But, yes; cancel the wedding You need to be free of this situation and to perhaps find someone truly worth your time

Drugs change people. It changes personalities. You might find in five years you are married to someone completely different. That you never would have married. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but I think deep down you know what you need to do. Don't let your 40 year old self say I wish I listened to that little voice 💐

‘Oh, and multiply those incidences you thought had happened by about 10 fold’

Red flags galore

Illegal drug use
Lying
Broken promises
Problem drinking
Aggressive behaviour

And this is BEFORE you have dc/are bound legally to him.

“But I am on edge when he drinks in case it's one of those times.” that suggests you don't feel safe - MASSIVE red flag.

Whatever you've spent on the wedding will be a damn site less than a divorce would cost!

Re all partners have faults, yes thats true. Im divorced due to his infidelity but I admitted to myself afterwards he was also abusive.

‘God help him when he has some real stress. Like when you have children and responsibilities’ I wish someone had said this to me.

But I have lots of male friends who are not perfect (untidy, old-fashioned, bad timekeepers, sport obsessed if unchecked etc) but who are truly lovely partners/husbands and father's who would never treat the people they love like this.

“I think some people hear the word drugs and instantly view the person as 'bad'. They associate drugs with, violence, crime etc.” It IS associated with violence, crime (including organised crime), political corruption, exploitation etc etc ad infinitum.

The minimising of the harm of illegal drugs on the user, their friends and family and in a wider context really makes me angry.